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Dale Carnegie: How to Win Friends and Influence People Book Summary

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A SHORT-CUT TO DISTINCTION

  • Personality and the ability to talk are more important than a knowledge of Latin verbs or a sheepskin from Harvard.
  • Leadership gravitates to the man who can talk.
  • Any man can talk when he gets mad.
  • Any man can speak acceptably in public if he has self-confidence and an idea that is boiling and stewing within him.
  • The way to develop self-confidence, he says, is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you.
  • By constant practice, they develop a courage, confidence, and enthusiasm that carry over into their private speaking.
  • Conquer their fears and develop courage.

 

HOW THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN AND WHY

  • Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you a business man.
  • About 15 per cent of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85 per cent is due to skill in human engineering – to personality and the ability to lead people.
  • The human individual thus lives far within his limits. He possess powers of various sorts which he habitually fails to use. (Professor William James)
  • Education is the ability to meet life’s situations. (John Hibben)
  • For the great aim of education is not knowledge but action. (Herbert Spencer)

 

Part 1: Fundamental Techniques in Handling People

  • Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, no man ever criticizes himself for anything, no matter how wrong he may be.
  • Criticism is futile because it puts a man on the defensive, and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a man’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses his resentment.
  • Let’s realize that criticisms are like homing pigeons. They always return home. Let’s realize that the person we are going to correct and condemn will probably justify himself, and condemn us in return.
  • With malice towards none, with charity for all. (Abraham Lincoln)
  • Judge not, that ye be not judged. (Abraham Lincoln)
  • Next time we are tempted to give criticized. Ask, how would Lincoln handle this problem if he had it.
  • When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.
  • Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain-and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.
  • A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little men. (Carlyle)
  • To know all is to forgive all.
  • There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it.
  • Freud says that everything you and I do springs from two motives: the sex urge and the desire to be great.
  • The deepest urge in human nature is the desire to be important.

 

Almost every normal adult wants:

  • 1) Health and preservation of life
  • 2) Food
  • 3) Sleep
  • 4) Money and the things money will buy
  • 5) Life in the hereafter
  • 6) Sexual gratification
  • 7) The well-being of our children
  • 8) A feeling of importance
  • I consider my ability to arouse enthusiasm among the men, the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a man is by appreciation and encouragement. There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a man as criticisms from his superiors. I never criticize anyone. I believe in giving a man incentive to work. (Charles Schwab)
  • The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other comes from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other is universally condemned.
  • Emerson said: “Every man I meet is my superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.

 

HE WHO CAN DO THIS HAS THE WHOLE WORLD WITH HIM. HE WHO CANNOT WALKS A LONELY WAY

  • The only way on earth to influence the other fellow is to talk about what he wants and show him how to get it.
  • Every act you ever performed since the day you were born is because you wanted something
  • Professor Harry Overstreet in his illuminating book, influencing human behavior, says “Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire.
  • First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way.
  • Henry Ford, “it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from his angle as well as from your own.
  • And if a salesman can show us how his services or his merchandise will help us solve our problems, he won’t need to sell us. We’ll buy. And a customer likes to feel that he is buying – not being sold.
  • Yet many men spend a lifetime in selling without seeing things from the customer’s angle.
  • So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage.
  • William Winter once remarked that “self-expression is the dominant necessity of human nature”
  • A deep, driving desire to learn, a vigorous determination to increase your ability to deal with people.
  • The rapid pace with which we forget is astonishing.
  • Bernard Shaw once remarked: “If you teach a man anything, he will never learn. Shaw was right. Learning is an active process. We learn by doing.

 

Part 2: Six Ways to Make People Like You

 

1) DO THIS AND YOU’LL BE WELCOME ANYWHERE

  • A dog makes his living by giving you nothing but love.
  • One can make more friends in two months by becoming genuinely interested in other people than one can in two years by trying to get other people interested in him.
  • People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me. They are interested in themselves-morning, noon, and after dinner.
  • It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring.
  • The ability to put his personality across the footlights.
  • All of us like people who admire us.
  • So if you want people to like you, Rule 1: Become genuinely interested in other people.

 

2) A SIMPLE WAY TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION

  • Smile had been worth a million dollars.
  • Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” That is why dogs make such a hit.
  • A man rarely succeeds at anything unless he has fun doing it.
  • You don’t feel like smiling? Then what? Two things. First, force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune or sing. Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
  • Everybody in the world is seeking happiness – and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.
  • Nothing is good or bad, said Shakespeare but thinking makes it so.
  • Abe Lincoln once remarked that “most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
  • A man with a smile is always welcome.

 

The value of a smile at Christmas.

  • It cost nothing, but creates much. It enriches those who receive, without impoverishing those who give. It happens in a flash and the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None are so rich they can get along without it, and none so poor but are richer for its benefits. It creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in a business, and is the countersign of friends. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad, and Nature’s best antidote for trouble. Yet it cannot be brought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is no earthly good to anybody till it is given away. And if in the last-minute rush of Christmas buying some of our salespeople should be too tired to give you a smile, may we ask you to leave one of yours? For nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give! So if you want people to like you. Rule 2 is: smile.

 

3) IF YOU DON’T DO THIS YOU ARE HEADED FOR TROUBLE

  • Remembering names and making people feel important.
  • Good manners, said Emerson, are made up of petty sacrifices.

 

4) AN EASY WAY TO BECOME A GOOD CONVERSATIONALIST

  • Listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay to anyone.
  • Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that.
  • Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. “They have been so much concerned with what they are going to say next that they do not keep their ears open…Big men have told me that they prefer good listeners to good talkers, but the ability to listen seems rarer than almost any other good trait.
  • So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener, to be interesting, be interested.
  • Ask questions that the other man will enjoy answering; encourage him to talk about himself and his accomplishments. Remember that the man you are talking to is a hundred times more interested in himself and his wants and his problems than he is in you and your problems.
  • Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves.

 

5) HOW TO INTEREST PEOPLE

  • Talk in terms of the other man’s interests.

 

6) HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU INSTANTLY

  • Always make the other person feel important.
  • The desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature.
  • The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated. (William James)
  • Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.
  • Almost everyone considers himself important, very important. So does every nation.
  • Each nation feels superior to other nations. That breeds patriotism-and wars.
  • All you had to do was to talk to a woman about herself.
  • Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.
  • Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely.

 

Part 3: Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

 

1) YOU CAN’T WIN AN ARGUMENT

  • Always avoid the acute angel.
  • It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man by argument.
  • Buddha said: “Hatred is never ended by hatred but by love.
  • The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

 

2) A SURE WAY TO MAKING ENEMIES – AND HOW TO AVOID IT

  • There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.”
  • A scientist never tries to prove anything. He attempts only to find the facts.
  • Jesus said, “Argue with thine adversary quickly.”
  • Show respect for the other man’s opinion, Never tell a man he is wrong.

 

3) IF YOU’RE WRONG, ADMIT IT

  • When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking; and when we are wrong-and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves-let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. That technique will not only produce astonishing results; but believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend one’s self.
  • If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

 

4) THE HIGH ROAD TO A MAN’S REASON

  • Begin in a friendly way.

 

5) THE SECRET OF SOCRATES

  • In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing-and keep emphasizing-if possible-that you are both striving for same end and you only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
  • Get the other person saying, “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep him, if possible, from saying “No.”

 

6) THE SAFETY VALVE IN HANDLING COMPLAINTS

  • Once having said a thing, he must stick to it.
  • The skillful speaker gets at the outset a number of yes responses. He has thereby set the psychological processes of his listeners moving in the affirmative direction.
  • It doesn’t pay to argue, that it is much more profitable and much more interesting to look at things from the other man’s viewpoint and try to get him saying “Yes, yes.”
  • If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you. (La Rochefoucauld, the French Philosopher)
  • Let the other man do a great deal of the talking.

 

7) HOW TO GET CO-OPERATION

  • Don’t you have much more faith in ideas that you discover for yourself than in ideas that are handed to you on a silver platter.
  • Wouldn’t it be wiser to make suggestions-and let the other man think out the conclusions for himself?
  • No man likes to feel that he is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas.
  • So if you want to influence people to your way of thinking is let the other fellow feel that the idea is his.

 

8) A FORMULA THAT WILL WORK WONDERS FOR YOU

  • Remember that the other man may be totally wrong. But he doesn’t think so. Don’t condemn him.
  • Try honestly to put yourself in his place.
  • That success in dealing with people depends on a sympathetic grasp of the other man’s viewpoint.
  • I should rather walk the sidewalk in front of man’s office for two hours before an interview, than step into his office without a perfectly clear idea of what I am going to say and what he-from my knowledge of his interest and motives-is likely to answer.
  • Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

 

9) WHAT EVERYBODY WANTS

  • I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you should undoubtedly feel just as you do.
  • Three-fourths of the people you will meet tomorrow are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.
  • Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

 

10) AN APPEAL THAT EVERYBODY LIKES

  • Appeal to the nobler motives.

 

11) THE MOVIES DO IT. RADIO DOES IT. WHY DON’T YOU DO IT?

  • Dramatize your ideas.

 

12) WHEN NOTHING ELSE WORKS, TRY THIS

  • Throw down a challenge.

 

NINE WAYS TO CHANGE PEOPLE WITHOUT GIVING OFFENCE OR AROUSING RESENTMENT

  • Rule 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
  • Rule 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
  • Rule 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
  • Rule 4: Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
  • Rule 5: Let the other man save his face.
  • Rule 6: Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.
  • Rule 7: Give a man a fine reputation to live up to.
  • Rule 8: Use encouragement. Make the fault you want to correct seem easy to correct; make the thing you want the other person to do seem easy to do.
  • Rule 9: Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.

 

SEVEN RULES FOR MAKING YOUR HOME LIFE HAPPIER

  • Rule 1: Don’t nag.
  • Rule 2: Don’t try to make your partner over.
  • Rule 3: Don’t criticize.
  • Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.
  • Rule 5: Pay little attentions.
  • Rule 6: Be courteous.
  • Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side of marriage.

 

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