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The Five Laws of Stratospheric Success
- The Law of Value— Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.
2. The Law of Compensation — Your income is determined by how many people you serve and how well you serve them.
3. The Law of Influence — Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first.
4. The Law of Authenticity — The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself.
5. The Law of Receptivity — The key to effective giving is to stay open to receiving.
Chapter 2: The Secret
You get what you expect.
What you focus on is what you get.
Ultimately, the world treats you more or less the way you expect to be treated.
Chapter 3: The Law of Value
A very useful thing to remember: appearances can be deceiving.
Everyone likes to be appreciated.
People will do business with and refer business to people they know, like and trust.
But a great restaurant — ahh, a great restaurant strives to defy imagination! Its goal is to provide a higher quality of food and service than any amount of money could possibly pay for.
First Law: Your true worth is determined by how much more you give in value than you take in payment.
The point isn’t to have them pay you more, it’s to give them more. You give, give, give. Why? Because you love to. It’s not a strategy, it’s a way of life. And when you do, then very very profitable things begin to happen.
All the great fortunes in the world have been created by men and women who had a greater passion for what they were giving — their product, service or idea — than for what they were getting. And many of those great fortunes have been squandered by other who had a greater passion for what they were getting than what they were giving.
Chapter 5: The Law of Compensation
The First Law determines how valuable you are. In other words, your potential income, how much you could earn. But it’s the Second Law that determines how much you actually do earn.
Second Law: Your income is determined by how many people you serve and how well you serve them.
Or to put it another way: Your compensation is directly proportional to how many lives you touch.
And there are two amazing things about this. First, it means that you get to determine your level of compensation — it’s under your control. If you want more success, find a way to serve more people. It’s that simple.
It also means there are no limitations on what you can earn, because you can always find more people to serve. The Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr., once said, ‘Everybody can be great because anybody can serve.’ Another way to say that might be, ‘Everybody can be successful because anybody can give.’
Chapter 6: Serving Coffee
Sometimes you feel foolish, even look foolish, but you do the thing anyway.
Chapter 7: Rachel
They are the three universal reasons for working. Survive — to meet your basic living needs. Save — to go beyond your basic needs and expand your life. And serve — to make a contribution to the world around you.
Chapter 8: The Law of Influence
Now, by a network I don’t necessarily mean your customers or clients. I mean a network of people who know you, like you and trust you. They might never buy a thing from you, but they’ve always got you in the backs of their minds. They’re people who are personally invested in seeing you succeed, y’see? And of course, that’s because you’re the same way about them. They’re your army of personal walking ambassadors. When you’ve got your own army of personal walking ambassadors, you’ll have referrals coming your way faster than you can handle them.
Stop keeping score.
Watch out for the other guy. Watch out for his interests. Watch his back. Forget about fifty-fifty, son. Fifty-fifty’s a losing proposition. The only winning proposition is one hundred percent. Make your win about the other person, go after what he wants. Forget win-win — focus on the other person’s win.
Third Law: Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first.
Because if you place the other person’s interests first, your interests will always be taken care of. Always. Some people call it enlightened self-interest. Watch out for what other people need, with the faith that when you do, you’ll get what you need.
They love to give. That’s why they’re attractive. Givers attract.
Chapter 10: The Law of Authenticity
These lessons don’t apply only to business, Joe. A genuinely sound business principle will apply anywhere in life — in your friendships, in your marriage, anywhere. That’s the true bottom line. Not whether it simply improves your financial balance sheet, but whether it improves your life’s balance sheet.
I care more about my wife’s happiness than I do about my own.
I learned something that day. When I said that my life as a mom, wife and household manager left me with nothing the marketplace wanted, I was wrong. There was something else I’d learned over those years, and that was how to be a friend. How to care. How to make people feel good about themselves. And that, my friends, is something the marketplace wants very much — always has, always will.
What I’m here to sell you on is you. People, remember this: no matter what your training, no matter what your skills, no matter what area you’re in, you are your most important commodity. The most valuable gift you have to offer is you. Reaching any goal you set takes ten percent specific knowledge or technical skills — ten percent, max. The other ninety-plus percent is people skills. And what’s the foundation of all people skills? Liking people? Caring about people? Being a good listener? Those are all helpful, but they’re not the core of it. The core of it is who you are. It starts with you.
It’s worth ten thousand times more than all the closing techniques that ever have been or ever will be invented. It’s called authenticity.
Fourth Law: The most valuable gift you have to offer is yourself.
Chapter 11: Gus
You just love what you do. You love talking with people, asking them questions, learning all about them, finding ways you can help them, serve them, fill a need, share a resource.
Chapter 12: The Law of Receptivity
It’s better to give than to receive, right? If you’re a good person, that’s what you do, you give. Good people give and don’t think of receiving. But you, you think about receiving all the time, you can’t help it. Which means you’re probably not really a very good person… so why bother trying? All this giving stuff sounds great — for some people. For people like me, maybe, or Nicole, or Ernesto. But not for you. It’s just not who you are.
It’s not better to give than to receive. It’s insane to try to give and not receive. Trying not to receive is not only foolish, it’s arrogant. When someone gives you a gift, what gives you the right to refuse it — to deny their right to give? Receiving is the natural result of giving.
Every giving can happen only because it is also a receiving…
All the giving in the world won’t bring success, won’t create the results you want, unless you also make yourself willing and able to receive in like measure. Because if you don’t like yourself receive, you’re refusing the gifts of others — and you shut down the flow. Because human beings are born with appetite, nothing is more naturally geared toward being receptive than a baby, and if the secret of staying young, vibrant and vital throughout life is to hang on to those most precious characteristics we all have as children but which get drummed out of us — like having big dreams, being curious and believing in yourself — then one of those characteristics is being open to receiving, being hungry to receive, being ravenous to receive!
So the secret to success, to gaining it, to having it, is to give, give, give. The secret to getting is giving. And the secret to giving is making yourself open to receiving. What do you call this law?
Fifth Law: The key to effective giving is to stay open to receiving.
Chapter 13: Full Circle
You can’t measure your success by whether or not you get the account. That’s not the point. The point is not what you do. Not what you accomplish. It’s who you are.
SHOUT OUT TO http://goodinfection.com FOR DOING THE WRITTEN SUMMARY
- The author says this is a book that’s going to teach you how to win the mental game by silencing fear
- If you can change your response to situations that make you nervous or scared, then you will change how you think
- You will win the mental game and you will take control of your life. The only thing that makes you feel out of control in your life is fear
- You have allowed fear to teach you to think in ways that keep you stuck, and that undermines your courage
- Fear comes down to one thing: control
- You feel nervous or afraid at any moment when you sense you’re about to lose control
- The irony: it’s your desire to keep control that is actually screwing things up
- Three step method that will help you change where are you struggling
- First you must identify what you’re scared of, Second, you’ve got to see the new unique way you silence yourself or run whenever you feel nervous or afraid
- First person is Dan, who is a teacher and his greatest fear is having regrets in his life in regards to not being able to for fill what he wants in life
- Pick a field or area of study that you enjoy and that makes you light up
- Don’t focus on trying to do the right thing because it gives you a false sense of control
- Session 1: Dan
- Teacher, greatest fear is regret not doing things he wanted by the time it’s too late
- Mel says that she believes a lot of people get to teaching because they love learning
- But the trap is when you’re teaching the same thing over and over, at a certain point you stop growing
- A study showed that the number one regret people had near the end of their life was that they wish they stopped worrying so much
- The worry comes from fear and stops them from doing what they wanted to do
- We worry about stuff that will never happen and causes us to not do things
- At the top of Maslow‘s hierarchy of needs is the need to grow, which is what causes a crisis in us when we are in our 30s and 40s and 50s and recognize our mortality
- Thinking about something is very different than doing it
- Thinking gives you a false sense of control
- It is an illusion that you’re working on something
- Research shows that fantasizing about your goals actually saps your energy and leads to decreased motivation in achieving them
- 1st Takeaway: anytime you catch yourself overthinking, follow the fear
- What am I afraid of?
- When you feel out of control or afraid, don’t speed up, slow down
- Busyness gives you a false sense of control, but it’s not going to get you the results you want
- There’s something about slowing down and tuning in that brings the truth to the surface
- There is research that shows why long walks in nature helps your nervous system and your brain focus
- This explains why she has breakthroughs during walks
- If you want your dreams to come true, it starts with the courage to state it
- You have to be able to state it in order to create it as your own
- You change your life inch by inch, brick by brick, not mile by mile
- Brick by brick helps you focus on steps rather than thinking about the huge picture
- Every move you make forward in life is going to be valuable
- We are obsessed with thinking about the big stuff, but you can only control the small things
- Smaller is better. The bigger it is, the less control you have
- Ask yourself:
- How will I know if I completed it?
- What is the biggest obstacle to doing this?
- Passion is just energy, it’s not a destiny
- What you are passionate about is what energizes you
- Passion is what you feel inside about what you’re doing, about the way you’re living your life
- Figure out how you can grow into what you want
- Look around and ask yourself what are the things that energize you?
- What are the things that actually energize you?
- What are you curious about?
- What do you like to learn?
- What’s a new skill you want to develop?
- Passion is not about the thing you ultimately want to achieve
- It’s about how you feel as you’re living your life and growing into it
- Start paying attention to where your energy increases and where you feel depleted
- Passion is a feeling you get when you’re doing something you care about
- Passion is the energy that expands inside of you and expands your life
- Start intentionally slowing down and start aligning your life with things that energize you
- Do this audit for everything: hobbies, food, people, type of work, topics you read about
- Recap of 5 takeaways from Dan’s session:
- Always follow the fear
- Ask: what am I afraid of?
- Being busy doesn’t mean you’re in control
- You have to state it to create it
- How to take steps? Go brick by brick to make it stick
- Break down your goals into small chunks
- Simplify your goals into the smallest actions forward everyday and then just start working on it
- Passion is not a person, place or thing, and you’re not gonna find it
- You’re gonna follow the energy and grow into the things that interest you
- It’s all about the pursuit, not the endgame
- Perfectionism is a defense mechanism
- Wherever you’re focused on perfection, your life is probably out of control
- Session 2: Heather
- 29, New York City, Marketing, Engaged
- Book reference: Mindset by Carol Dweck
- She’s telling Heather that it’s important to teach kids the growth mindset where effort is more important and you have the capability to learn new things through hard work, creativity, and resilience
- Takeaways from regarding perfectionism:
- In order to gain control you must follow your fear
- Ask what are you afraid of and what do you do when you are afraid?
- The secret to mind control is body awareness
- Feeling out of control begins with your body, not with your mind
- Fear triggers a physical response
- Research and studies show that our bodies are designed to sense things around us and send signals to us about safety or threats, and our bodies are always communicating with us, even before our minds react to any perceived threats
- A study with rigged decks of cards prove that our bodies figure out what’s happening faster than the conscious brains do
- First, slow down and slow your breathing
- Maybe walk around, and count forwards or backwards from 90
- You can also hug someone for 90 seconds
- Just make sure it’s someone you know because that’ll be a long awkward hug
- You don’t have to experience trauma to be paralyzed by fear
- Even the seemingly little moments can have a huge impact on our lives
- When you’re young, every failure can feel like a life or death
- From then on you develop coping mechanisms so that you’ll never have to feel out of control again
- Being hard on yourself and self criticism is actually a coping mechanism to protect yourself from being hurt
- It’s like punching yourself so that nobody else well
- It’s bracing yourself for impact so when others criticize you, it doesn’t matter or hurt as much
- On top of that, it becomes a destructive pattern and habit that doesn’t stop even when others aren’t being hard on you
- How to get rid of deep rooted pattern of self criticism
- When you increase self compassion, you boost your feelings of self worth and reduce fear and anxiety
- Create anchor thoughts– positive images that makes you happy or excited
- Anchor yourself on something positive that you achieve in the past or something you can be happy or grateful for
- If you’re negative, don’t hang out with negative people
- Fixed vs Growth mindset:
- Fixed mindset people believe their skills and talents are fixed traits and therefore you can’t change
- You can teach yourself how to have a growth mindset
- What you believe is that your talents and skills can grow with time and experience
- You have to prioritize learning, growing, and trying over seeking approval, perfecting, and succeeding
- Focus on the process instead of the result
- As a parent, reward the actions and effort, not the traits
- If you want control, expect to hear “no”
- Kevin Hart gave a speech and told students he’s successful because he heard 3,607 “No’s” and he kept showing up and began expecting them
- The game is showing up and facing rejection
- It’s not about how good you are, it’s a numbers game
- With a growth mindset, you hear a no, learn from it, and keep moving forward
- The only thing you have in this world is your willingness to try
- You are 1000% in control of that and you’d better get comfortable with it
- Climbing the “ladder” doesn’t make you happy
- It only gives you a fake sense of control
- Session 3: Rosa
- Mother of 3, Secondary teacher, Canadian, Divorced
- Once you identify and change your response to fear, you’re gonna get control of your life
- Stuff will never give you what you seek
- Focusing on the things in your life will never get you the control that you want
- Life is defined by what’s inside your head, not by what’s outside of you
- You take what’s inside your head wherever you go
- A therapist told her that it’s actually a good sign when your kids come home and can let it all hang out emotionally because it means they feel safe to do so with you
- You have to worry when they bottle it up and not talk to you at all about anything that’s going on
- It’s way more motivating to change your life for the better if you care for and love yourself first rather than making yourself wrong
- This is why giving yourself grace and compassion is such an important first step
- Focus on the side of it that’s about being kind to you
- Excuses mean fear is winning
- There are two kinds of people in the world
- People who see the opportunity
- People who see the excuse
- You either see what you want or you see all of the obstacles in between you and what you want
- Instead of asking yourself what’s wrong with me, ask yourself what happened to me?
- Takeaway: Any time you got an excuse, that is fear talking
- The excuses make you feel like you’re in control
- But no change will happen until you break through them
- Session 4: KC
- 28 years old, Detroit, Michigan, Recently engaged, Real estate agent
- His greatest fear: being labeled and separated from the pack
- Sometimes we have imposter syndrome because we haven’t fully embraced who we’ve become
- When you own your story in a different way, it becomes something powerful for you, not done to you
- Mel said one of her all time favorite lines she’s ever heard anyone say:
- “Who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming“
- Own the fact that all the change is gonna come from you
- The hardest thing for most of us is to just be ourselves and not try so hard to fit in
- Have a learning disability can be a struggle in school, but it is an advantage in life
- It’s an advantage to learn differently because your learning style forces you to be a creative thinker and problem solver
- You can see things other people can’t see because your brain thinks differently
- Your learning difference can make you more resilient in the long run
- It’s a struggle, but you get used to failing
- You get used to trying over and over
- You get used to understanding that you have to work a little bit harder and differently than everyone else
- That will pay dividends in your adult life
- If your child has a learning difference, you must be the safe place for them when they get home
- Always praise the effort they’re putting in
- Growth vs fixed mindset
- Reward the work and focus on creating a growth mindset
- Be their advocate by utilizing tools and resources to help them adapt, but more importantly to being their advocate for doing more of what they’re good at
- Remember that it will get better
- Takeaway: Introverted vs Isolating yourself
- It’s all about energy
- Studies even show that introverts tend to be better leaders
- Authenticity limbo: you know you’re not the old version of you, yet you haven’t fully embraced the new version of you
- Communicate your change through your actions, not your words
- Session 5: Amy
- 46 Years old, Michigan, Married, 4 Kids, Insurance
- Being a social chameleon is a psychological term that means you change your personality in order to fit in
- Lies always catch up to you, and so does blending in
- Learn how to trust the guidance system that’s inside of you rather than waiting for somebody else to figure it out for you
- Your internal compass always points in the direction of things that you’re interested in, curious about, or energized by
- You can feel out of control and still take control
- Recognize when you’re being a chameleon and hiding in plain sight
- Unresolved issues follow you
- Session 6: Cassandra
- Washington, Not married, 3 kids
- Her biggest fear is that she doesn’t know how to have a functional, committed relationship with a man
- You don’t hurt people because you love them
- People’s actions say they don’t love you because they can’t
- Some people are not capable of giving love or being in love
- Love is getting control of your anger
- Love is treating people with respect, dignity, and kindness
- Some people are so broken, they are incapable of loving others
- Victims of abuse mistakenly categorize the trauma these people caused as love
- Be aware of your own emotional landmines
- It is hard to see the patterns in your own life until you follow the fear and your response to it
- Your judgements are created by your own perception, not the truth
- Takeaway: Judgement comes as a result of hurt
- Decades of distance can be erased with one phone call
- Main ideas / Themes:
- Always follow the fear by asking “What am I afraid of?“
- You change your life inch by inch, brick by brick, not mile by mile
- What you are passionate about is what energizes you
- Perfectionism is a defense mechanism
- Being hard on yourself and self criticism is actually a coping mechanism to protect yourself from being hurt
- Fixed vs growth mindset: Focus on the process instead of the result
- Excuses mean fear is winning
- “Who I was does not dictate who I am and who I’m becoming“
- Communicate your change through your actions, not your words
- Learn how to trust the guidance system that’s inside of you
- Some people are not capable of giving love or being in love
- Love is treating people with respect, dignity, and kindness
- Judgement comes as a result of hurt
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How happy would you say you are with your life, on a scale from one (“not at all”) to ten (“my life is perfect bliss”)? If your answer to this question was anything below a seven or an eight, this book summary is for you.
Happiness isn’t a given, but it is something you can work toward. And doing this isn’t as difficult as you might think. This doesn’t mean that you need to go on expensive yoga retreats, visit all seven wonders of the world, or have millions of dollars in order for you to feel positively about your life. All you need are the nine secrets outlined in this book summary. Let’s get started.
In this summary of The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha, you’ll learn
- that you’re already a lottery winner;
- about a part of the human brain that actually searches for problems; and
- why retirement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #1: IT’S IMPORTANT TO START FROM A PLACE OF HAPPINESS AND PARTICIPATE IN ACTIVITIES SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU ENJOY DOING THEM.
In the early parts of your life, you may have been taught that happiness is only achievable after a great deal of hard work and lots of success. However, this exact logic is actually responsible for a lot of people’s unhappiness, because the equation actually works the other way around.
This leads us to the first secret of happiness: success and great work come from people who are already happy.
Happiness isn’t something to chase. External circumstances, such as getting a raise at work, only account for 10 percent of someone’s personal happiness. The rest comes from within oneself, and is based on viewing the world in a positive light.
In order to assist in the recognition of this everyday happiness, do a 20 minute replay before going to bed. This simple practice involves keeping a daily journal to write down at least one thing that made you happy during the day. This can help in multiple ways: from helping you recognize moments of happiness in the future to allowing you to relive that happy emotion at the end of each day.
Motivation is another great contributor to a person’s overall happiness, which brings us to the second secret of happiness: do things because you love doing them, not because of external goals, rewards, or what other people might think.
When you’re solely motivated by money or admiration, you’re entering a never-ending cycle of unhappiness. Even in reaching your goal, it will only result in a fleeting moment of happiness before you feel the compulsion to set another goal.
The author started his blog, 1000 Awesome Things, because writing brought him joy and he liked the idea of posting one happy detail for one thousand workdays.
However, when the site started to gain a following, he began setting goals. At first, he wanted to reach one million visitors. Once he’d accomplished that, he wanted to reach ten million. Then, his goal was to write a book. And then he wanted the book to become a bestseller. There was simply no end.
He was chasing a happiness that didn’t – and couldn’t – last. This lead him to start participating in activities simply for the sheer joy of doing them.
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #2: THERE ARE TWO CONFLICTS THAT INTERFERE WITH BEING HAPPY, BUT SIMPLY BY BEING ALIVE, YOU ALREADY HAVE THE TICKET TO HAPPINESS.
There’s no escaping negative thoughts. They’re simply bound to show up no matter how positive of an outlook you have on life.
When you’re trying to work through these thoughts, you’ll likely feel as if you have a battle raging in your mind. Well, that’s because a battle is raging, one between two parts of your brain: the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex.
The amygdala is very old, and its job is to always be on high alert, scanning every situation for potential problems and threats. Way back when, our ancestors were constantly on the lookout for saber-toothed tigers and other predators, and the amygdala was responsible for keeping them alive. Clearly, times are different now, however the amygdala still has the same old job, which means it sets off alarms no matter how small the threat, for example, that upcoming presentation you’ve been preparing for.
The prefrontal cortex, which developed more recently, attempts to reason through these worries with rational thoughts and logic. However, the amygdala often wins these battles, therefore resulting in a lot of anxious and unhappy people.
As if that weren’t enough, there’s another battle that we’re constantly having with ourselves, which is a conflict between feelings of self-worth and feelings of self-doubt.
A great example of when this might happen is in seeing a neighbor’s new car. Though you might’ve been fine a minute ago, suddenly you start feeling miserable about your life and your inability to afford your own new car.
While you might not always be able to calm your amygdala, especially if you’re about to make your public-speaking debut, there are definitely reliable methods to dealing with envy and discontent.
This brings us to the third secret, which is all about putting things in the right perspective: make an effort to consciously remember how lucky you are to simply be alive in the first place.
Think about how truly unbelievable it is that all the conditions necessary for human life on earth came together perfectly to make the human race – how remarkable it is that you’re even capable of engaging with this book summary!
Keep in mind that while there are 7 billion people alive today, there are 108 billion people who have died, which means that 14 out of every 15 people who have ever been born are already deceased. Being alive at all is a little like winning the wild cosmic lottery!
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #3: RETIRING ISN’T THE KEY TO HAPPINESS — IT’S MORE IMPORTANT TO PURPOSEFULLY REMAIN ACTIVE IN YOUR LIFE.
Are you looking forward to hitting retirement age, sitting back and enjoying the fruits of your labor? If you actually want to remain happy and healthy, though, the answer to that question should be, “No!”
Retirement is a concept the Germans invented in 1889. The idea was to open up the job market to younger people and let people over the age of 65 enjoy their final years.
Sure, it sounds like a noble idea – but it’s no longer appropriate. In 1889, the average lifespan was 67 years. Nowadays, a person at age 65 may still have decades of healthy, active living to look forward to.
Research has shown that healthy people have a natural motivation to stay productive. A survey from the mid-twentieth century shows that 50 to 60 percent of people over the age of 65 would actually rather postpone retirement and continue working.
And this truly is a good thing, since being productive gives us purpose and a reason to get out of bed in the morning. Purpose is one of the most important factors of happiness, and it’s something people living on the island of Okinawa, in the East China Sea are very familiar with.
Okinawans have the highest life expectancy on Earth, and they have no concept or word for retirement. What they do have is ikigai, which roughly translates to “the reason you wake up in the morning,” and this is recognized as being vital to longevity, as well as quality of life.
Researchers at Tohoku University spent seven years studying the impact of ikigai on 43,000 different people. The research showed that the people who actually felt healthiest and least stressed all reported that they had a reason to get out of bed in the morning. And by the end of the study, 95 percent of those with an ikigai were still alive, compared to 83 percent of those without one.
This means it’s incredibly important to make sure that retirement doesn’t strip you of your purpose in life, remembering the fourth secret to happiness: stay productive and keep your ikigai alive!
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #4: THE WAY YOU SPEND YOUR TIME IS FAR MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOU’RE MAKING.
It might feel good to be paid well for a job well done, but the amount on your paycheck doesn’t actually tell the entire story.
For instance, a Harvard graduate makes an average of $120,000 per year, but they also receive a maximum of two weeks vacation while working 85 hours per week for each of those remaining 50 weeks. That adds up to 4,250 hours per year and only $28 per hour.
Now let’s look at an assistant manager of a retail store, who earns an average of $70,000 per year. She also gets two weeks of vacation, but her average workweek is 50 hours, meaning she works only 2,500 hours per year. And lo and behold, the assistant manager also earns $28 per hour.
So, you have to look at what you value more – the number after the dollar sign on your paycheck, or the time you lose when you spend all your time working instead of doing the things that bring you joy?
We need to start valuing our time more — we have so little of it. Actually, it might help you to adhere to the fifth secret of happiness, which is to overvalue your time.
Doing this means that you should have a keen awareness of the way you spend your time, reconsidering how important your time is when you’re not spending it doing the things that make you truly happy.
If you’re a person who has difficulty with time management, it might help to set up a structure. Divide your week into three separate categories – “Sleeping,” “Work,” and “Things I Love Doing.”
When you evenly divide the 168 hours of the week into these categories, you’ll get 56 hours to allocate to each, which should leave you well-rested and feeling the benefits of a healthy work-life balance.
This isn’t what Harvard alumni feel on a daily basis. With their 85-hour average workweek, it’s far harder than it should be to actually find the time to get a good night’s sleep, let alone do anything other than work.
In the next book summary, we’ll explore how to make room in the day for the things that are truly important.
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #5: IN ORDER TO REDUCE YOUR STRESS AND FIND THE TIME TO ENJOY WHAT’S REALLY IMPORTANT, ENSURE THAT YOU HAVE LESS TO CHOOSE FROM SO THAT YOU CAN CREATE SOME MUCH-NEEDED SPACE.
Making decisions can be stressful. And it’s not helpful that the average day includes an almost endless list of them. When the author counted each of his daily decisions, he found 285 of them. And it turns out, most of these daily decisions weren’t even truly important, such as what time to check his mailbox.
However, the truth is that every decision we make takes some mental energy, meaning it can cause some level of stress. You can reduce this stress, however, and even save time and increase productivity, through eliminating your choices.
Benjamin Lee, the author’s former colleague, had an epiphany that resembled this and acted upon it. He only goes shopping for clothes once a year, at which time he buys 30 boxer shorts, 30 identical pairs of socks, 15 shirts, and 5 pairs of black pants.
Because of this, he only has to do laundry once a month, and it’s never necessary for him to make a decision about what he has to wear. According to his calculations, by removing these decisions, he saves 15 minutes every day, which adds up to an entire week every year.
Lee worked to create space that would help him to have time to focus on the things he actually wants to spend his time doing and which make him happy – and that’s what the sixth secret to happiness is all about.
There’s another way to allow yourself more time, which is to take the time you need from competing tasks through being creative with deadlines.
In 1955, the scholar C. Northcote Parkinson developed Parkinson’s Law, which states that work will only take as long as your deadline allows it to take.
For example, if you have a deadline for a writing project that’s due in three weeks, you’ll more than likely spend most of that three weeks researching and writing while also procrastinating the project and worrying about it. But what if you made your own deadline of one week? Since you’d no longer have the time to procrastinate, you’d probably start working as soon as possible, and because you’d be working harder, the quality of your work might not suffer as much.
Setting fake deadlines like this is just one way you can make more time when it appears to be in short supply.
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #6: IT’S IMPORTANT TO BREAK PAST YOUR BARRIERS AND DO THE THINGS YOU LOVE, EVEN IF DOING SO SEEMS SCARY.
Can you remember the last time you crossed something off your bucket list? If it’s been a long time, it might be time to consider what might be stopping you from doing so. It’s usually not money or resources that prevent us from doing something we really want to; we actually set up our own barriers, fooling ourselves into staying away from things that would make us happy.
Typically, the two barriers that keep us from happiness are the Can’t Do and the Don’t Want To barriers.
Having the idea that you can’t do something is a great way to prevent yourself from even attempting the activity. The author believed he couldn’t swim, but this belief stemmed from a bad experience he’d had in the water as a child, which led to his brain creating the false belief that he couldn’t do it.
Another trick our minds like to play on us is that we can often convince ourselves that we don’t actually want to do that activity, creating a second barrier that’s often attached to the first.
The author told himself plenty of reasons that kept him out of the water: it’s a waste of time, there are many other ways to get exercise, and more.
Having these preventative thoughts do nothing but prevent you from experiencing so much of what life has to offer. Fortunately, it’s possible to break through these barriers, bringing us to the seventh secret of happiness.
While it might be hard to picture yourself doing something unfamiliar and perhaps scary, imagining it is an important part of overcoming your fear. Through being able to imagine actually doing the thing you’re afraid of, your brain will eventually get used to the idea.
The next step is to just dive in and do it. When the author met his wife, a woman who loved swimming, he decided that he had to learn how and overcome the barrier. He eventually stopped searching for excuses and signed himself up for swimming lessons. Once he’d done this, he never looked back.
Remarkably, once he got in the water, his thinking shifted and a new belief took shape: he could swim. Soon thereafter, he realized that he actually wanted to swim.
THE HAPPINESS EQUATION KEY IDEA #7: BE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF, ENSURING THAT YOU DON’T RELY ON THE ADVICE OF OTHERS.
If you’ve ever attempted to be friends with someone who’s rude and hurtful, then you’re probably familiar with the pain and discomfort that comes with not honouring your true emotions.
Which brings us to the eighth secret of happiness: be yourself!
In life, the most important relationship you’ll ever have isn’t with another person — it’s with yourself!
Even though this is true, so many people have a tendency to neglect this important relationship and fail to live in line with their authentic selves. As human beings, we tend to put on an act, doing things we wouldn’t do otherwise, either to earn respect from others or to move up in our careers.
To help improve this relationship and be your authentic self, take the Saturday morning test.
Ask yourself, “What would you enjoy doing on a Saturday morning, when there are no other obligations?”
Do you love going to the gym? Then maybe you could become a personal trainer. Do you love writing? Do what the author did and start a blog or start submitting articles to a magazine.
Whatever your answer is, think it over and start working toward a path to your true self. You’ll eventually figure out that the more Saturday morning activities you do, the happier you’ll be in the long run.
Finally, there’s the ninth secret to happiness: be trusting of your own thoughts and emotions, ensuring that you don’t live a life according to the advice and wishes of other people.
Not a day goes by when we don’t come into contact with ads, articles, experts, and even friends who are trying to give their advice on how we should be living our lives and achieve happiness, and it’s super common to run into contradictions.
Let’s say your partner cheats on you, a friend might advise you to immediately file for a divorce, while your mom might tell you to try couples therapy and work things out. Even clichés like “the early bird catches the worm” and “good things come to those who wait” contradict each other!
The truth is, you’re the only person who can know your true hopes and desires, which means that you’re the only one who can come up with the best solution for the situation. To be happy, you can’t rely on the advice of others – you have to ask yourself what you really want and trust how you feel.
IN REVIEW: THE HAPPINESS EQUATION BOOK SUMMARY
The key message in this book:
In order to achieve true happiness, it’s necessary to stop chasing external goals, like that new car or promotion, and instead adopt a healthier mindset and habits. Happiness lies in realizing that you already have everything you need. Once you start shifting your life toward the things you truly love and being yourself, you’ll be able to start enjoying your life and living it to the fullest.
Try a seven-day challenge.
If one of these practices resonates with you, it might be a good idea to challenge yourself to try it out for seven days and see how it changes your daily life. Keep track of your progress in a calendar. Once you do this for seven days, you’ll be able to then convince yourself to keep practicing it for another seven, and then another, on and on until it becomes part of your daily life.
BOOK SUMMARY: WHAT’S IN IT FOR ME? LEARN HOW TO PROGRAM YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS TO ENJOY LIFE MORE.
Programming is a word we tend to associate with computers and technology; it can be used for anything from complex operating systems, to smart life-hacking apps with summaries of books, to incredibly detailed computer games. But wouldn’t it be great if we could program ourselves in a similar way?
It turns out we can.
Neuro-Linguistic programming, or NLP, is a way to change how we act and behave. It’s based on the connection between the neurological processes in your brain (neuro), the language you use (linguistic) and your behavior, such as your fears or beliefs (programming). Each of these parts can be altered, ultimately changing the way you act, feel and think. So, let’s look at how these processes work and what techniques you can use to program yourself.
In this book summary, you’ll discover
- how emotions resemble yogurt;
- what the meta model is; and
- how your breathing can help you connect with other people.
SUMMARY PT 1: EVERYONE CREATES A MIND MAP THEY USE TO UNDERSTAND THE WORLD.
What causes humans to disagree with each other? The answer is simple: we see the world in different ways.
Everyone creates a map in their mind that they use to make sense of the world. This concept is central to the idea of Neuro-Linguistic Programming, or NLP: a person’s understanding of the world is based on their internal map, not the actual world around them. Your personal map is a composite of your ideas, values, knowledge and preconceptions.
When you create your map, you employ three basic processes.
First, you delete some of the information around you. Just think of a city map: it doesn’t have cars or trees on it. Your personal map is also missing certain things, but they can be much bigger. Have you ever walked down a familiar street and noticed a shop for the first time? That’s because your map didn’t include the shop before you noticed it.
Second, you generalize. Physical maps generalize too: roads are all drawn the same way and water is always the same shade of blue. Making these generalizations on your personal map can get you into trouble, however.
Sometimes it’s good to generalize information, like “hot things shouldn’t be touched,” for example. However, if your partner cheats on you and you become paranoid that everyone will cheat on you, this can become a serious problem.
The third thing we do when using our maps is to distort information. A map of a city distorts information because it’s flat and smaller than the actual city. On your personal map, you might distort information by attributing meaning to things when you shouldn’t.
Imagine one of your colleagues doesn’t greet you one day. Your map might tell you to believe that they’re angry with you – but they might just be late for a meeting.
SUMMARY PT 2: UPDATING YOUR MAP NOW AND THEN IS A KEY PART OF STAYING HAPPY.
Conflict arises when people’s mind maps have them interpret the world differently, which is exactly why it’s important to expand your map as much as possible.
Expanding your map is vital to living a happier life. When you broaden your map, you’re able to view the world from more perspectives. Your relationships also improve when you’re better at empathizing with other people’s feelings and opinions – and you’ll feel better, too.
So it’s a good idea to check in with your map every now and then to make sure it’s up to date. Much like ordinary maps, mind maps can become outdated. When new roads are built or others are removed, a city map has to be changed; your personal map works the same way.
Two common problems arise when you don’t keep your map up to date.
First, you might imagine that you have constraints or limitations when you really don’t. Some people limit themselves out of fear, for instance. Maybe they don’t travel because they’re afraid of flying.
These kind of fears only exist in our heads. We’re only born with two fundamental fears: a fear of loud noises and a fear of falling. All other fears are learned – which means they can be unlearned!
Your map might also interfere with your life by making you believe that something works when it doesn’t. This often leads people into counterproductive behavior.
Imagine your business partner betrays you. Your map might then tell you that it would be safest to never trust any business partners again. However, if you follow this assumption, you’re sure to always work alone. Do your best to avoid this sort of thinking; instead, reconsider how you choose your business partners.
SUMMARY PT 3: YOU CAN ALTER YOUR EMOTIONS, LIKE HAPPINESS AND FEAR, BY CHANGING THE WAY YOU THINK.
Have you ever thought about something scary and suddenly felt anxious? Not surprisingly, your thoughts have a major impact on how you feel, both physically and emotionally.
Our thoughts are like images of a film reel – and they can profoundly alter our emotions. And, sticking with the same analogy, you can change your emotions by adjusting the colors, brightness or noise level of the images in your thoughts. Think of it like watching a film in a cinema instead of at home: it’s the same film either way, but the experience is better in the theater.
So you can choose to minimize your negative feelings or amplify your positive feelings. But how?
You can intensify a feeling by anchoring it to another form of stimulus you can control. Think of a happy experience, for example; it should be so good that you smile when you remember it. Now, imagine this experience is attached to a lever labeled “fun,” and pull the lever.
This might feel silly, but when you come to associate that lever with a happy feeling, you can imagine pulling it whenever you’re feeling down. Your brain remembers the happy sensation and you’ll start feeling better.
You can also use anchoring to quell your fears. One of the authors had a client who was able to use anchoring to overcome his fear of talking to women. He was afraid to approach them, but he was very into ski jumping, a sport where one skis off a mountain and flies off a ramp into the air at high speeds.
The author helped the man anchor that feeling of excitement to the experience of talking to women. Once he leveraged the happiness he got from ski-jumping, he was much more comfortable with the opposite sex.
SUMMARY PT 4: YOUR FEELINGS HAVE AN IMPACT ON HOW OTHER PEOPLE FEEL.
Have you ever noticed that happy people improve your mood, while depressed people bring you down?
Emotions are contagious. Other people’s emotions influence you, and your emotions influence other people in turn.
One of the authors conducted an experiment on this phenomenon using yogurt. He separated a yogurt culture into two containers and attached one of the containers to a device that could measure the yogurt’s electrical activity. Then he poured milk, which yogurt “eats,” over the half that wasn’t attached to the device.
Interestingly, when that half received the milk, the other half of the yogurt somehow picked up electrical activity. It “knew” the other half was getting the milk added to it.
The researchers tried putting barriers between the yogurt, such as metal, wood or even electromagnetic fields, but the results were always the same.
The author then placed a fish tank full of a different kind of yogurt between the first two containers of yogurt – this stopped the transmission of electric activity between them.
The researchers asked the author how the first batch of yogurt could “tell” that the second batch was there. His reply was simply, “yogurt knows yogurt.”
People work the same way: people know people. We spread our feelings like yogurt spreads electrical activity.
Your mental state has a significant impact on how people interact with you. So, if you want to change someone’s feelings, you have to change your own feelings first. You can’t expect people to feel happy around you if you’re feeling depressed. If you’re in a bad mood, you’ll spread it to others around you.
So, work on improving your own mental state through anchoring before you try to help with anyone else’s. You can’t make other people happy until you’re happy yourself.
SUMMARY PT 5: YOU COMMUNICATE BETTER WHEN YOU MATCH YOUR CONVERSATION PARTNER’S BODY AND VERBAL LANGUAGE.
Have you ever clicked with someone as soon as you met them? If so, it was probably because your communication styles matched, both verbally and nonverbally.
We naturally adjust our communication style to suit the person we’re talking to; it’s called matching. Matching is an important part of communicating effectively.
You match with someone in different ways, such as through your breathing. You build a strong connection with another person when you breathe at the same rate as them.
Synchronized breathing is more powerful when you do it subtly, so don’t go overboard. Matching your breathing should eventually become an unconscious behavior, like walking or driving a car through a familiar neighborhood.
You can also influence people with pacing and leading. Humans naturally mimic each other’s body language, so when you have someone’s attention you can influence their behavior. The author once attended a presentation in which, at one point, the presenter took a deep breath – and nearly all of the audience repeated the action.
A person’s communication style also reveals a lot about the way they think. People tend to fall into one of three categories, depending on which sense they base their thinking on.
Some people use visual imagery to describe the world and explain their thoughts. They use phrases like “It looks like” or “I see it.”
Others rely more on their ears for understanding and communication. They say things like “That sounds okay” or “Stop telling me…”
The third group communicates and understands the world through their feelings and physical sensations. They use phrases like “I feel great” or “I don’t grasp the idea.”
You can strengthen your bond with someone by matching with them on their speaking style. If you mismatch, however, by using visual language when they use auditory language, you’ll distance yourself from them.
SUMMARY PT 6: GAIN A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF A PERSON BY ASKING QUESTIONS TO FIND OUT WHAT THEIR GENERALIZATIONS ARE.
We’ve looked at how our internal maps cause us to make generalizations about the world around us. But we also make generalizations about people, which can be a problem for communication.
The meta model is a good tool for avoiding this, and challenging other people to expand their maps as well.
The easiest way to understand the meta model is through an example. Imagine you come home from work and your partner says, “There’s been an accident.” What exactly do they mean? Was it a car accident? Did they burn dinner? Is someone hurt? Ask questions about the situation using the meta model: What? How? When? Where? Who? Each answer deepens your understanding.
You also help enrich other people’s maps when you use the meta model. Imagine a person says, “Everybody hates me.” This, of course, is an absurd generalization and there’s no way it could possibly be true. Even so, this kind of generalization can completely undermine a person’s happiness.
So if a friend says something like this, ask him who “everybody” is. After he gives a more specific answer, ask how he knows everybody hates him, or what makes him think so. Ask if there are any other possible interpretations of others’ behavior.
The more you question this friend’s beliefs, the more likely he is to doubt them. If you do this the right way, you may be able to guide him into thinking more positively about himself. He might start to question and rework his own internal map.
NLP doesn’t only help you overcome your own negativity, it can help you bring out positivity in others, too.
SUMMARY PT 7: CREATING A WONDERFUL LIFE STARTS WITH LEARNING HOW TO FEEL GOOD.
Do you ever make yourself worried about the future by dwelling on the problems you’ve had in the past? Negative thoughts are powerful – so don’t let them control your future!
Not letting your past control your future is a crucial aspect of maintaining your happiness. The author once did an exercise related to this in an NLP seminar. First he told the audience to breathe slowly and steadily, then he asked them to think about five wonderful events from their past that they could remember vividly.
Then the author asked them to think of a future event they were worried about, and imagine it as the sixth event in the chain. This helped them feel more optimistic about it. Once they associated the future with happy memories in their past, they were more at ease with it.
Another good way to overcome your negative feelings or bad habits is to make yourself feel stupid (strategically!).
The author used this method to help a client who was endangering his life by eating too much chocolate. Instead of confronting the addiction head on, the author put some chocolate on a chair and had the man look at it. Then he said that the chocolate was smarter than him, and had more willpower and self-control than he did.
The man started to feel foolish about his desire to eat the chocolate. Once he associated that feeling with his craving, he didn’t crave the chocolate anymore. After all, no one likes to feel stupid.
Readjusting your thoughts isn’t only about feeling better about the future and overcoming cravings; when you have a positive outlook, you live a happier and more fulfilling life.
IN REVIEW: THE ULTIMATE INTRODUCTION TO NLP BOOK SUMMARY
The key message in this book:
Taking control of your life starts with taking control of your mind. Most problems are rooted in your thoughts, whether it’s stress, fear, anxiety or a lack of self-discipline. Start making meaningful changes in your life using the principles of Neurolinguistic Programming. Your thoughts are powerful – use them to your advantage!
Ask thoughtful questions.
If someone tells you they’re depressed, don’t ask “Why?”, ask “How do you know?” If someone tells you they’re struggling with shyness, ask them “What would you do if you weren’t?”
50 Words to Your Dreams: Chapter 46 Leadership
- Do you want to know how to manifest your dreams?
- Do you want to know the simple, straight forward, no B.S path to take your dream out your head into reality?
This 50 Chapter video series titled “50 Words to Your Dreams” has the answers.
Researched for over 10 years and compiled into video, written & audio format for easy consumption, this series will empower you with the know how and tools you need to manifest your dreams into reality. Created by myself Michael George Knight, the creator of Youtube Channel bestbookbits and the websites bestbookbits.com. This series is a wealth of knowledge condensed down into 50 bite size pieces.
So without further ado I bring you Chapter 46 of 50 of the series
“50 Words to Your Dreams”…Leadership
The word Leadership broken down really is lead a ship. What ship? Your ship, your partner ship, your relation ship, your friend ships any and all type of ships. Lead your own ship first before trying to lead other people’s ships. Leadership can be displayed in the workplace, in the family, amongst friends and throughout the community. If you cannot be a self-leader and lead your own life you won’t be able to lead others successfully. Understand that there is a massive difference between managing people and leading people. Most managers think of themselves as leaders, while most leaders don’t see themselves as managers.
Once you become a leader in your own life, you will develop naturally the skills and traits to start leading others without being consciously aware of it. Leadership is a sign that your self-growth has outwardly affected other people in a positive way. If your actions and words inspire others to dream more, to become more, to learn more you are a leader. Lead with no title, lead without being told to lead, lead when no one is looking and lead with no incentive. Become the leader that you would want to be led by in your own life and work life.
BE THE WAR GENERAL OF YOUR LIFE
What if you started to take your dreams seriously and went to war on your personal dreams. You called yourself out and declared war on your dreams. Rallied yourself, put a war plan together and became the war general of your life. You put your dreams on the table and developed a strategy of war for success or death on your dream with a final deadline of completion. What would happen if you became a general instead of a solider? What would happen if you treated your dream as a war mission and took a life or death approach to the successfully completion of that mission. Your energy would change, your thinking would change, your actions would change, your motivation would sky rocket, your priorities would shift. Why not declare war on your dreams and get them out of your head into the reality of life. Get off your comfortable behind of mediocrity and lead yourself into an internal battle of success. Lose sleep if you have too, work like your life depends on it because it does, focus like you are defusing a ticking time bomb, do whatever you need to do to pull yourself across the goal line and get the mission complete. Become a war general and be ruthless with making your dreams a reality and be the leader of your own life.
QUOTES ON LEADERSHIP
- A genuine leader is not a searcher for consensus but a molder of consensus. (Martin Luther King, Jr.)
- A leader is a dealer in hope. (Napoleon Bonaparte)
- A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way. (John C. Maxwell)
- A leader is someone who demonstrates what’s possible. (Mark Yarnell)
- A leader leads by example not by force. (Sun Tzu)
- A man who wants to lead the orchestra must turn his back on the crowd. (Max Lucado)
- A real leader is always persistent and never accepts temporary defeat as failure. The leader who changes his mind often soon loses the confidence of his followers. When a leader changes his mind often he thereby outs his followers on notice that he is not sure of himself, and if he isn’t sure of himself, how may he expect his followers to be sure of him. (Napoleon Hill)
- A successful leader means having the ability to make meaningful decisions quickly and hold them persistently. (John Demartini)
- As we look ahead into the next century, leaders will be those who empower others. (Bill Gates)
- Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others. (Jack Welch)
- Broadly speaking, there are two types of people in the world. One type is known as leaders, and the other as followers. (Napoleon Hill)
- Demand integrity from yourself, you can’t demand integrity from someone else, integrity is like loyalty, you can’t demand from someone else. Only demand it for yourself, be the best example of loyalty and you’ll get some loyal followers. Be the best example of integrity and you’ll have people surround you that have integrity, lead the way. (Jim Rohn)
- Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)
- Don’t manage people. Lead them by example. (Jack Welch)
- If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. (John Quincy Adams)
- In Chinese philosophy, leadership is character. People with great character, developed overtime, naturally become leaders. (Sun Tzu)
- Leaders have no interest in proving themselves, but an abiding interest in expressing themselves. (Warren Bennis)
- Leaders must understand the facts, that there is good and there is evil, there are shepherds and there are sheep and there are wolves. Some wolves do dress up like sheep. (Jim Rohn)
- Leaders seek results. Many have wishes, but effective leaders act. (Abraham Lincoln)
- Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other. (John F. Kennedy)
- Leadership is action, not position. (Donald H. McGannon)
- Leadership is not about being in charge. It’s about taking care of those in your charge. (Simon Sinek)
- Leadership is not something you do to people. It’s something you do with people. (Ken Blanchard)
- Leadership is practiced not so much in words as in attitude and actions. (Harold Geneen)
- Leadership is really the challenge to be something better than mediocre, something better than average. (Jim Rohn)
- Leadership is the capacity to translate vision into reality. (Warren Bennis)
- Leadership is unlocking people’s potential to become better. (Bill Bradley)
- Leadership, to attract attractive people you must be attractive, personal development is the key to the better future. To attract dedicated people you must be dedicated. To attract positive people you must be positive. To attract loyal people you must be loyal. To attract gifted people you must be gifted. It’s a matter of attracting the people you want that’s the key to leadership. (Jim Rohn)
- Leadership-by-consent of the followers is the only brand which can (Napoleon Hill)
- Not all readers are leaders but all leaders are readers. (Harry S. Truman)
- One of the duties of the leader is to lift up those who are not able to advance themselves. (Eleanor Roosevelt)
- Only about 2% of people can work entirely without supervision. We call these people “leaders.” (Brian Tracy)
- Reputation for honesty made people trust him and increased his ability to lead. Top leaders are expected to do the right thing. (Abraham Lincoln)
- Successful men never wait for others to show them what to do or how to do it. They take the initiative themselves, appoint themselves to leadership, enlist the necessary assistance and capital and forge ahead despite all opposition. Self-confidence is one of the essentials for success in leadership. One of the natural tendencies of human nature is that of willingness to follow the man with great self-confidence. No one wishes to follow a man who does not seem to be sure of himself. (Napoleon Hill)
- The art of communication is the language of leadership. (James Humes)
- The difference between leadership and management, leadership deals with direction, management deals with speed, co-ordination, logistics and going in that direction. We manage things, we lead people. (Stephen R. Covey)
- The few who have the courage to listen to and act upon their mission lead the many. (John Demartini)
- The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things. (Ronald Reagan)
- The key to successful leadership today is influence, not authority. (Ken Blanchard)
- The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The leader adjusts the sails. (John Maxwell)
- The quality of a leader is reflected in the standards they set for themselves. (Ray Kroc)
- The successful leader must plan his work, and work his plan. A leader who moves by guesswork, without practical, definite plans, is comparable to a ship without a rudder. Sooner or later he will land on the rocks. (Napoleon Hill)
- There are two types of leaders in the world. One resorts to power and controls his followers through fear; the other resorts to persuasion and controls his followers through able salesmanship. (Napoleon Hill)
- Those who lead others lead themselves first. (John Demartini)
- To be a great leader, you must be a great listener. (Richard Branson)
- To be a leader, bring certainty, to an environment where there isn’t any. (Tony Robbins)
- True leaders always practice the three R’s: Respect for self, Respect for others, Responsibility for all their actions. (Unknown)
- True leaders are always givers. (Dexter Yager)
- True leaders are not interested in proving themselves, they want above all to be able to express themselves fully. (Warren Bennis)
- True leaders don’t create followers, they create more leaders. (Unknown)
That’s a wrap on
50 Words to Your Dreams
Chapter 46: Leadership
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THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK SUMMARY
By John M. Gottman
As much as we all want to live in perfect relationships, few of us are in a completely stress-free set-up with zero tension, conflict or problems. In fact, if you’re married or in a relationship, chances are it can be improved.
Enter relationships expert John M. Gottman. He’s been working with and researching couples for years, and has compiled a list of the fundamental problems that every marriage faces – and their solutions. This book summary explain each one of his seven fundamental principles and discuss ways in which you can avoid becoming another unhappy statistic.
In this summary of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman you’ll know
- how one couple eliminated marriage stress by waking up ten minutes earlier every day;
- how to talk to your mother-in-law; and
- why boring conversations are the secret to successful marriages.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #1: PRINCIPLE ONE
If you have a husband or wife, you’ll likely be wise to plenty of special, private or sensitive information about them. But did you know this information is actually stored in our minds in a love map?
The more developed your love map, the stronger your love.
In several recorded cases of divorce, partners weren’t actually that familiar with each other; they didn’t dedicate enough space in their brain for the marriage. With no love map, you can’t fully know your partner, and without really knowing your partner, how can you truly love them?
Take the example of Rory, a paediatrician who ran an intensive care unit for babies. Being a workaholic, he often slept at the hospital overnight. At work he got along well, but his homelife was a different story. He didn’t know the family dog’s name or where his house’s back door was. In fact, he had become so tangled up in work that his emotional connection to his wife and children had deteriorated. His love map left a lot to be desired.
It’s important to be aware of your love map because it contains your own and your partner’s aspirations and life philosophies. But it can change. Having a baby can radically alter a woman’s life purpose or direction, and thus change her love map.
Take Maggie and Ken, who had been together only a little while before they chose to marry and start a family. They were aware of each others’ beliefs, hopes and fears; Ken understood that Maggie was dedicated to her career as a computer scientist. However, when Maggie gave birth to her daughter, she put her career aside in order to stay home and look after the baby. Ken saw that his wife had changed.
This is not unusual; becoming a parent changes your values and identity. Maggie’s love map had changed to fit her new priorities, and Ken had to realign his own love map accordingly.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #2: PRINCIPLE TWO
If your marriage is on the rocks how do you know if it’s salvageable? The key is to assess your feelings when you both think of the past you’ve shared together.
To see if a couple still have what is known as a fondness and admiration system – where both partners share a sense of respect and appreciation toward one another – ask them how they see their history.
If some positive feelings remain within the marriage, partners will speak emphatically about how they first met, their first date, and so on. If a marriage is really struggling, however, recalling beautiful moments with your partner will feel like trying to get blood from a stone.
The way you see your shared past is key: 96 percent of couples who see their marriage history in a positive light are likely to enjoy a happy future.
Remember Rory the paediatrician in the previous book summary? During one counselling session, he recalled the early days with his wife with love, admiration and respect. This helped him realize how much he wanted to experience those feelings again. To fix the rut he’d fallen into, he overhauled his work schedule, trained someone to assist him at the hospital, and he now is home for dinner every night.
Rory’s fondness and admiration for his partner were also antidotes to growing apart. If you have no fondness or admiration system and don’t believe that your partner deserves your honour and respect, it makes having a successful marriage impossible.
So how can you assess your fondness and admiration system? One way is to answer true or false to these statements:
When we’re apart, I think of my partner positively.
I can easily list three things I admire in my partner.
My partner is happy to see me when I come into a room.
If the answers are true, your fondness and admiration system is pretty solid!
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #3: PRINCIPLE THREE
Here’s an intriguing truth about marriage – no matter how dull they seem, the important moments in a marriage are the daily conversations you have with your spouse.
In marriage, spouses frequently make “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection, humour and support.
When you take a brief pause in your work day to give some attention to your partner and his or her worries, you turn toward each other, meaning you reinforce your marriage and maintain romance.
For example, when your wife confides in you one morning that she had a horrifying nightmare and you reply with, “I have to get to the office, but tell me about it now and we can discuss it tonight,” instead of brushing her off with “I don’t have time today,” you enrich your marriage with romance. Romance endures when you signal that your spouse is valued during the monotony of daily life.
This is what is meant by turning toward your partner. To do this well, you have to be cognizant of how vital these banal moments in everyday conversation are.
Many couples can improve stability and romance simply by realizing that they should avoid taking their everyday interactions for granted; it’s more likely that your spouse’s emotional needs are neglected out of mindlessness rather than spite.
If your spouse is thoughtful enough to call you one morning to see how your meeting went, you should be conscious not to take this for granted, even if it becomes a daily habit. Remember these considerate moments and practice some gratitude for the attention your partner gives you.
You can turn toward your partner any time, so the next time you’re chatting with them, focus on enjoying it rather than seeing it as mindless nattering.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #4: PRINCIPLE FOUR
We all value fairness and equality in society, and marriage is no different. These qualities greatly influence the arguments and discussions you have with your spouse.
For instance, if husbands don’t demonstrate honor and respect to their wives, other gender conflicts can be exacerbated.
Although wives can get aggravated by their husbands, they seldom react by increasing negativity. On the contrary, husbands tend to react in a way that intensifies their wives’ negativity.
If a husband yells “You’re not listening!” the wife often replies with “Sorry, now I’m listening,” in order to prevent an argument. But if a wife starts with “You’re not listening to me!” the husband likely either ignores her, gets defensive (“Yes, I am!”), becomes critical (“I don’t listen because you never make sense.”) or displays contempt (“This is a waste of my time.”). All these reactions escalate a minor conflict and demonstrate that the husband couldn’t care less about what his wife thinks.
It’s useful to note that most long-term, stable marriages are those in which the husband treats his wife with respect. A long term, 130-couple study by the author showed that marriages in which husbands allow their wives to influence them are happier and less likely to end in divorce that those with husbands who don’t let their wives influence them.
Indeed, there’s an 81% chance his marriage will fall apart when a man refuses to share any power with his partner.
For example, Jack wanted to buy a used Honda from Phil. But Jack promised his wife he wouldn’t go ahead until a mechanic had checked it. Phil ridiculed Jack for letting his wife advise him about cars. But Jack kept his word, and it’s a good thing he did: the mechanic actually found a fault with the transmission. Thanks to his wife’s influence, Jack didn’t waste his money on Phil’s Honda after all.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #5: PRINCIPLE FIVE
It’s no secret that conflicts happen in every marriage. But even if they happen frequently, you can still clear them up easily and save yourself some stress.
Solvable problems in a marriage are minor problems that can result in excessive tension and pain.
Just because the problem is solvable doesn’t mean it actually gets resolved. This is because couples often haven’t learned how to deal with them. Sometimes all it takes is for each spouse to begin a discussion more calmly and monitor themselves as it goes on, keeping alert for alarm bells such as emotional flooding – i.e., when we become overwhelmed by feelings.
To monitor yourself, take notice of gestures, facial expressions and vocal pitch – don’t scream at your wife when you see she’s already in tears!
Take the case of Rachel, who thinks her husband Jason drives too fast. He claims speeding is necessary because she takes forever to get ready for work. Rachel argues that it takes her so long because he takes ages in the shower every morning. If they just took a broader view here, they’d see this clash is solvable: waking up a mere ten minutes earlier each day could solve it.
Unlike solvable problems, which can be short-lived, most marital problems are perpetual, meaning they keep occurring over and over again.
69 percent of couples have a conflict that they have been rowing about for many years. Even though there often is no real solution, they must keep recognizing the problem and talking about it in order to deal with it. Remember, perpetual issues don’t necessarily equal a disastrous marriage!
Some perpetual problems can signify more serious issues, but there are ways around them. For example, Tony wants to have his children raised Catholic, yet his wife Jessica is Jewish and wants their children to follow her faith. How do they cope with this perpetual conflict? They have a sense of humor about it, and don’t let their religious preferences spoil their love for one another.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #6: PRINCIPLE SIX
Now you know what kinds of conflicts can weasel their way into your marriage, but what do you do if you think they’re unsolvable and you feel trapped?
In these cases, you need to get out of gridlock, which is that feeling of being caged by the same problems that come up over and over again. The aim of this is not to eradicate the problem, but to convert it into a dialogue.
Even if the issue seems unsolvable, you should keep working at it and try to target what is actually feeding the conflict.
If you blame him for doing something wrong or her for being demanding, you need to acknowledge that you are contributing to the conflict, too.
For instance, Laura thought Mike was a slob and she had endless housework to do because he never pulled his weight, leaving rooms in complete disarray. Eventually she decided to raise the issue with Mike and it turned out he never actually realized Laura cleaned up after him – he would have helped or done it himself if he had been aware. By having a dialogue, Laura freed herself from gridlock immediately.
Experiencing gridlock is a sign that you have hopes for your marriage that aren’t respected by your partner. These hopes can be anything from reaching a certain salary at work, to having a spiritual awakening. Your partner must learn how to deal with your desires and respect that they are a part of you.
John and Amy, for example, quarrel about where to eat on Sunday evenings. Whereas John wants Amy to cook and eat at home, like his mother did when he was a child, Amy prefers to go to a restaurant to feel special. In this case, the conflict is symbolic of what makes each of them feel loved. To settle their dispute, they need to respect each other’s wishes and take turns.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #7: PRINCIPLE SEVEN
“Birds of feather flock together.” Hmmmm, not quite! You can take joy in a long-lasting marriage even if you and your partner see life very differently, but you still need to share things with one another.
Marriage has a spiritual aspect to it, and for that to develop you must build a sense of shared meaning. It’s extremely difficult to live harmoniously together without being familiar with each others’ values.
Sometimes young couples want to have a relaxed relationship, but a lot of the time they run the risk of not knowing enough about one another’s values and aspirations.
Take Kevin and Helen, who wanted a marriage with their own independent careers, interests and social circle. But trouble arose when Helen noticed she didn’t feel connected to Kevin. There was no real family feeling to their relationship, so they sat down together and shared their past, childhood and family values with one another. They were then able to connect in a way they hadn’t before and find some common ground.
You don’t have to be two peas in a pod to have a stable marriage, but the more shared meaning you can find, the deeper and more fulfilling your relationship will be.
Your marriage will further deepen when both of you agree on the roles you play in the relationship.
All of us have a specific idea of who we want to be and which role we want to play in a marriage. To have this work in the long term requires communication and agreement. For instance, Ian and Hilary held the view that the husband should be the protector and provider, while the wife should fulfill the nurturer role. In contrast, Chloe and Evan desired an egalitarian marriage, where they could support each other emotionally and financially.
Whichever way each couple wants to be, the most important thing is that the couples agree on their roles, and enjoy happy and long-lasting marriages, as the couples above did.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #8: THERE ARE VARIOUS SIGNS WHICH INDICATE DIVORCE IS LIKELY.
Ever had a sneaking suspicion that your friend’s marriage was doomed? Could you pin down why you got this feeling? Well, there are many factors that can indicate that a marriage is heading for the rocks.
Four of the largest indicators, which the author labels “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Let’s start with criticism, usually the first of the four horsemen to appear in a marriage. In every relationship, there will be complaints about mistakes, missed chores or forgotten anniversaries. But a warning sign of a troubled marriage is when these complaints turn into criticism. Whereas a complaint focuses on a specific failure, for example, “You forgot to take the trash out again!”, criticism highlights a fault in your partner’s character, such as “The trash was left again – you’re so lazy!”
Mild criticism is common in a marriage, but if left unchecked, it can lead to the next, more dangerous, horseman: contempt.
Contempt is snarling or mocking behaviour designed to undermine your partner and make them feel small and useless. Contempt is toxic because it leads to further conflict.
After all, if your partner constantly tells you that you’re useless, you’ll feel compelled to become belligerent and aggressive in return.
And this is when defensiveness, the third horseman, usually enters the stage.
Faced with a contemptuous partner, you respond by getting defensive and arguing that your behaviour isn’t as bad as they say it is. For example, if your partner sneers at your spending habits, your response will probably be something like “I don’t spend that much! I know lots of people who spend much more than I do.”
Of course, being defensive won’t soothe any problems, it will only lead to more contempt and defensiveness.
Now we turn to the final horseman, stonewalling. When someone has experienced enough contempt and criticism from his partner, he’ll disengage from conversation. Rather than becoming defensive, he’ll respond to an attack with an “Uh-uh,” or “Sure,” or by avoiding face-to-face interaction.
Witnessing the approach of each horseman is a sign that a marriage is in jeopardy. So keep an eye out for them.
THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK KEY IDEA #9: TYPICAL MARITAL CHALLENGES WHICH CAN BE SOLVED ARE IN-LAWS OR A NEW BABY.
There are plenty of naysayers when it comes to the concept of lasting marriage. But let’s examine the two most frequent conflicts that marriages face, which are thankfully solvable.
The first conflict is true for many: your relationship with in-laws can wreak havoc on your relationship because both sides seem to fight for the love of the same person.
Parents-in-law sometimes find it tough to share their child with someone else. This is especially hard when they think they know best for a newborn baby, how and where you should live, and so on.
To deal with this, the son or daughter should emphasize to his or her parents that they have their own family now, and it’s their new priority.
Consider David. David’s parents came for a visit and his wife Janie made a reservation at her favourite Italian restaurant. She was excited about it because her parents-in-law were Italian. However, David’s mother showed up with his favourite dish, saying she forgot about the reservation. To handle this, David put the dish in the refrigerator, and they went to the restaurant as planned. This showed his mom that Janie was his priority now, and that his mother must adjust to it.
Big challenges also arise with a newborn. Whether or not a marriage endures this depends on whether the husband experiences the transition to parenthood with his wife or not.
Having a baby transforms the new mother. Her love becomes deeper and selfless and her life takes on new meaning. But often the bond between her and her partner can fall to the wayside. For example, when Lucy became a mother, she also became a supervisor. Her husband John wanted to be a good father but couldn’t seem to do anything right; Lucy disapproved of everything he did. This meant he did less and less and began to feel excluded.
To avoid this, mothers must remember that the baby is the father’s child, too, and that it will benefit from multiple parenting styles.
IN REVIEW: THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR MAKING MARRIAGE WORK BOOK SUMMARY
The key message in this book:
A long-lasting marriage is possible! All it takes is becoming conscious of how you think about and react to your partner and your behaviour toward them not just in daily life, but also in conflicts. By practicing some straightforward healthy behaviours, you can enjoy a harmonious partnership with your spouse.
Test your love map with these true/false statements.
I can name my spouse’s best friends.
I know my spouse’s current biggest worries.
I can tell you my spouse’s philosophy on life.
I can list my spouse’s favourite music.
Respect your stress response.
A stressed body massively impairs your ability to solve a problem, so take a break for a few minutes until your body has noticeably calmed down before attempting to resolve a conflict with your partner.
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- She now believes that asking a kid what they want to be when they grow up is a useless question
- As if growing up is finite and there is an endpoint
- She learned that kids know at a very young age when they’re being devalued, when adults aren’t invested enough to help them learn
- In this case, they aren’t bad kids. They’re just trying to survive bad circumstances and it’s not their fault
- Her brother Craig learned while playing basketball in various areas that most people are good people if you just treat them well
- In life, you control what you can
- In context of their family being prepared for things like fires and always arriving early so that they don’t have to worry about parking for their dad and bad seats so they won’t have to walk far
- The noise from critics and doubters doesn’t go away, but the most successful people she knows have figured out how to live with it, to lean on the people who believe in them and to push onward with their goals
- Barack was unlike anyone she had ever dated. Mainly because he seemed so secure
- He was openly affectionate, he made her feel good, and he was almost like a unicorn
- He was unusual almost to the point of seeming unreal
- He never talked about material things and his money went largely towards books
- She had to learn to adjust to Barack’s air of certainty he had about him, which made even her feel sort of lost in her own life
- Barack saw marriage as the loving alignment of two people who could lead parallel lives but without foregoing any independent dreams or ambitions
- She saw marriage more as a full on merger, a reconfiguring of two lives into one, with the well-being of the family taking precedence over any one agenda or goal
- When you lose someone, everything in life hurts and everything feels flat
- Barack baited Michelle into another one of their marriage arguments and then surprised her with a proposal after their celebration of his finishing the bar exam
- Inspiration by itself is shallow. You have to back it up with hard work
- When two people with different personalities get married, you have no choice but to adapt
- What she knows about her husband is that you don’t dangle an opportunity in front of him that could give him a wider field of impact and expect him to just walk away
- Barack got a lot of heat from opponents and other politicians for missing a very important gun control vote because he had to stay back in Hawaii for his sick daughter
- She learned from her close group of friends that there is no formula for motherhood, no single approach could be deemed right or wrong
- When campaigning in Iowa, all she did was speak her story and her truth about her and her husband‘s journey and why she believes he would be a great president and why she would vote for him
- She learned from her mom that bullies are just scared people hiding in scary people
- The key was to never let a bully’s insult or aggressions get to you personally
- Having Sasha and Malia with them while campaigning was a relief because it made Michelle and Barack more relaxed
- The two girls weren’t invested in the end result like they were
- She learned that it is harder to hate up close
- She knew that as the first African-American First Lady, she was held to a different standard
- She knew she had to be better, faster, and stronger than ever
- Her grace needed to be earned because she knew it wouldn’t be given
- She was humbled and excited to be first lady, but not for one second Did she think she would be sliding into some glamorous easy role
- Nobody who has the words first and black attached to them ever would
- Confidence needs to be called from within, she learned
- If you don’t get out there and define yourself, you will be quickly and in accurately defined by others
- The age old maxim in the black community: you’ve got to be twice as good to go half as far
- Kids care about fame, it turns out, only for a few minutes
- After that, they just wanna have fun
- Kids learn at a young age how to measure, even if they do not know the value of things
- Hopefully they learn later on and this is wrong
- Life was better always when we could measure the warmth of people
- When going abroad, Michelle had opportunities Barack did not to bring warmth to wherever she went and really meet people
- She loved being with kids. Kids made her feel like herself again
- To them, she was not a spectacle. She was just a nice kind of tall lady
- Living in the White House at times could feel so confining
- Little things like walking outside made her feel guilty because it would impact the people around them due to security measures
- Her and Barack were a nuisance, a disruption to any normal scene. There was no getting around that fact
- Her intent was always to go deep, not broad with the issues of the stone
- Her fashion and the clothes she wore was also a big part of her life that she had to take into consideration
- She tried her best to emphasize American designers who are up-and-coming and promote diversity
- She quickly found out a truth that no one talks about
- Today, virtually every woman in public life has some version of her trifecta, her hairstylist, make up artist, and wardrobe person. It is all but a requirement, a built in fee for their societal double standard
- She knew from experience that even during hard times, especially during hard times, it was still OK to laugh
- For the sake of children in particular, you had to find ways to have fun
- For her, the garden was simple, prosperous, and healthy
- A symbol of diligence and faith
- It was beautiful while also being powerful
- And it made people happy
- She learned to leave the politics to Barack and shift her focus elsewhere
- She made more of a human appeal to leaders in private sectors, rather than a regulatory wife
- She wanted to collaborate rather than pick a fight
- She wanted to speak directly to moms, dads, and especially kids
- Growing up, she had been taught that self-sufficiency was everything
- Now she left the safety and security of her family with other people, many of them 20 years younger than her
- Barack’s job, it seemed, was to take the chaos of the world and metabolize it somehow into calm leadership, every day of the week and every week of the year
- She understood that they represented the nation and they’re obligated to step forward and be present when there was tragedy, hardship, or confusion
- Part of their role as they understood it was to modelreason, compassion, and consistency
- She learned many times over that grief and resilience live together
- She discovered a sense of pride and self sufficiency from military hospitals and the resiliency of injured soldiers
- Many of them refuse any pity from others
- She sees these values reflected in all parts of the military
- They were both getting better at compartmentalizing their work and family life so that they didn’t spill over into each other
- Barack read letters seeing it as a responsibility of the oath
- He had a hard and lonely job, but he knew he had an obligation to stay open, to shut nothing out
- This was part of his nightly routine
- Her mom always says that her and Craig are not special, and that the Southside is filled with kids like them
- The parents just needed to help them get into those rooms
- The important part of her story is to acknowledge the many small ways she has been buttressed over the years, and the people who helped build her confidence overtime
- She remembers them all, every person who waved her forward, doing their best to inoculate her against the slights and indignities she was certain to encounter in the places she was headed
- Friendships between women, as any woman will tell you, are built of 1000 small kindnesses, swapped back and forth and over again
- Every once in a while she would invite 12 of her women friends to a Boot Camp where they would bond and engage in activities together
- She wanted to show up in the world in a way that honored who they were, the black women who came before her and paved the way for a potential better future for women like her
- Life was teaching her that progress and change happens slowly
- We are planting seeds of change, the fruit of which we might never see
- American citizens are for the most part far less cynical than their elected leaders, they just needed to get them out and vote
- She was learning how to connect her message to her image
- In this way, she could direct the American gaze
- She felt it was important to reach out to kids multiple times and in multiple ways in order for them to feel that it was all real
- Her early successes in life she knew were a product of the consistent love and high expectationswith which she was surrounded as a child at home and at school
- Kids will invest more if they feel they are being invested in
- There was power in showing children her regard
- You may live in the world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it should be
Main ideas / Themes:
- Most people are good peopleif you just treat them well
- In life, you control what you can
- Successful people learn to to lean on the people who believe in them and to push onward with their goals
- Inspiration by itself is shallow. You have to back it up with hard work
- Bullies are just scared people hiding in scary people
- Confidence needs to be called from within
- As a minority, you are held to a different standard. You’ve got to be twice as good to go half as far
- During hard times, especially during hard times, it is OK to laugh
- Grief and resilience live together
- Progress and change happens slowly
- Successes in life she knew were a product of the consistent loveand high expectations
- Kids will invest more if they feel they are being invested in
- You may live in the world as it is, but you can still work to create the world as it should be
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The Footprints to Success by Richmond Dinh
- The purpose life is to be happy. Your job is to find out and decide on what makes you happy and simply act on that decision every single day.
- Our beliefs are the center of what controls all our emotions and actions and hence our results. Not just self-belief as in the context of certainty, but our beliefs about events, life, people, money, relationships, health and also about ourselves, our identity, and who we are as a person. Our beliefs about anything and everything controls our results and ultimately our destiny.
- How powerful our beliefs can control every single aspect of our lives. Because we will do whatever it takes to defend our beliefs.
- Because in life, you get what you focus on. What you pay attention to grows and what you think about expands.
- If you believe that the principles are false and will not work, then they will not work. However, if you believe that they will work and have the power to transform every area and level of your life, then they will work. The principles only work if you work them. Such as life only works if you live it.
- The secret to all success is constantly living on the edge of your comfort zone.
- The more you become comfortable with being uncomfortable, the more successful you will be.
- The journey to ultimate success always begins with a compelling vision. You may call this a goal, a target, an outcome, a dream or a destination. Whatever term you are familiar with using, the bottom line is, to get from where you are to where you want to be, you need to firstly know exactly where it is that you want to be. As obvious as this may sound, surprisingly, less than 3% of people sets goals and visions for their life and less than 10% of business sets goals and visions for their business.
- When you don’t set goals.
- You do things that you don’t need to do
- You forget to do the things you do need or want to do
- You spend more resources achieving your outcome, and that’s assuming your outcome is even achieved!
- You spend so much more time achieving your outcome, and that’s assuming your outcome is even achieved!
- Most goals are not achieved because people call it a goal. People have a weak emotional attachment to the word goals and so it does not juice them or excite them into taking action.
- Most goals are not achieved because people call it a goal. You need to be labelling your goals as ‘Outcomes’, Results’, ‘Vision’ or ‘Standards’.
- The terms outcomes and results are more impactful as they define what you ultimately really, really want.
- The other key difference between a goal and a vision is that goal is looking into the future of the outcome you want. Whereas a vision is you standing in the future and looking backwards into the past of an outcome that you’ve imagined as already being completed. Placing yourself in the future and looking back being completely proud of what you have achieved.
- Setting yourself a clear vision gives you a deeper sense of certainty and confidence, which is the fuel that drives success.
- There is a fine line between ego and confidence and that line is called intention. Ego comes from a place of insecurity.
- The moment you call your goal an outcome, a vision or better yet, a standard for your life, is the moment you attach your identity to the task. You immediately begin to say to yourself ‘this is no longer a goal I’m trying to achieve but rather just being who I am.
- The strongest force in the human personality is to remain consistent with who you believe you are.
- The number 1 rule to success is that you must have a vision. You have to be able to imagine what it is that you want to create in your life and have the belief that you can achieve it.
- Setting a vision
- Use the S.M.A.R.T. principle. They must be: Specific, Measurable, Ambitious, Realistic, Time Bound
- Vague goals equate to vague results. Specific and clear goals equate specific and clear results. Remember, clarity is power!
- If we can’t measure it, how do we know if we’re on track and moving forward? And more importantly, how do we know we got what we want?
- What’s the point in setting a vision that is way too easy for you to achieve?
- It is more important to play full out and stretch yourself than to obtain the actual outcome.
- Personal growth only counts when it’s not easy.
- Time Bound
- Finally, you must have a time frame! Without a time reference, the vision becomes immeasurable.
- Remember, if you have a dream worth dying for, then you’ll have a life worth living for.
- So what type of vision should you be setting for your life?
- The best way to answer this question is to look at your wheel of life. There are 6 broad categories of your life of which you need to be setting a vision and a standard for each category.
- Select an area from the wheel of life and write down your 10-year Vision for this area
- Write down your 5-year Vision
- Write down your 3-year Vision
- Write down your 1-year Vision
- Write down your Standards. Your non negotiables. Your code of conduct.
- By far, the most important ingredient to all success is “Hunger’. Hunger delivers us the ambition to move forward and the inner drive to consistently want more. It gives us this deep insatiable thirst that makes us focused and persistent and pulls us towards our dreams. It makes us push though and fight when times are tough and it allows us to stretch beyond what we believe we can do and stimulates growth. It makes us resourceful when we lack resources and heightens our sense of awareness opening up our own intuition. And most importantly, hunger allows us to achieve both short term and long term sustained success. Without this, the other pillars of success crumble. It is without doubt that hunger is the foundation for all success.
- One of the most common comments spoken in a post interview (from the losing team) after a sporting match is a some version of the following “They simply just wanted it more than we did. They were just hungrier than we were”.
- So the big question is, where does hunger come from? And how do we create more of it? Four simple words – Your Compelling Reasons Why. Hunger is created from the motivating factors WHY this vision is so important to you. And the more reasons you have and the deeper each of those reasons are, the hungry you will become.
- The following diagram is called the success cycle
- It’s not what you do that creates success, but why you do it. And one key distinction and beliefs that I learnt from my mentors is that a big part of their hunger comes from this belief that success is your moral obligation. Success is your birth right.
- The moment you make success your moral obligation, is the moment you decide that you will no longer settle for less than you have, be, do or deserve.
- If you truly believe that there is greatness within you and you do not show that to the world, then you’re being selfish.
- Your WHY must make you cry. It must inspire you every day. It must wake you up early in the morning and keep you up late at night. It must juice you to take action and give you the courage to push through all the setbacks that will come your way.
- Hunger also provides you with the ability to maintain focus and direction.
- You see, in life, you get what you focus on. You get what you pay attention to. What you think about expands. Without a strong sense of why, your brain will simply not know what is important to focus on.
- In reference for the Vision you created for yourself in chapter 1, please write down Why is this so important to you?
- What will it cost you if it does not happen?
- What would your life look life if and when you did achieve this?
- How would it make you feel to achieve this?
- What kind of person would you become?
- Now when it comes to achieving our vision, there are 2 major sacrifices you will have to make in order to achieve your outcome. And the sacrifices will either be an investment in your time or your money. In most cases, it will be both.
- How much time are you willing to invest in per week or per month to turn this vision into a reality?
- How much money are you willing to invest per week or per month to turn this vision into a reality?
- You may call this faith, trust, conviction, confidence, belief or fact. Either way, certainty is a belief or a feeling of conviction about what something means.
- Your beliefs shape your destiny.
- Certainty is about the building blocks which give rise to the power of will, the power of faith, the trait of courage and the gift of compassion.
- 99% of our fears and doubts hinder our success and place a hand brake on our progress. If you’re going to fear anything, then fear the pain of regret. Fear the pain of looking back thinking ‘If only…’. Fear the pain of looking back and thinking ‘Damn…I wish I had…’
- Or one of the worst fears of all is the fear of not making a decision and playing small for most of your life.
- One of the most important mindset traits that you need to have in achieving your goals is to have absolute certainty in your ability.
- The biggest lie you can ever tell yourself is that you can’t and that you are not good enough.
- Certainty is simply a feeling. It is an emotional state. And all emotions are created by 3 ingredients – called the emotional triad.
- How much power your physiology can have over the way you feel.
- Amy Cuddy, a Harvard graduate showed that by power posing (standing in a winning / superman position) for 2 minutes would produce a spike in testosterone, the hormone responsible for feeling confident and certain, whilst at the same time showed a reduction in cortisol, which is the hormone responsible for stress and anxiety.
- This refers to the internal dialogue that we all have with ourselves. Whether we are conscious of it or not, we all talk to ourselves and some of the thought patterns can have a positive or negative impact on the way we feel. Of all judgements we make, none has more weighting than the ones we make on ourselves.
- Examples of negative self-talk may include
- * I am really stressed by this
- * What if I fail?
- * This is the worst thing that can happen
- * What if they don’t like me?
- Examples of positive self-talk may include
- * I’m looking forward to learning from this
- * This will really make me grow
- * I’m excited about the challenge
- * I’m proud that I am giving it a go
- A belief is a feeling of certainty about what something means.
- The building blocks of a belief are called ‘references’ which can be pictured like legs on a table, where the legs are the references and the tabletop is a belief. The more legs you have to support the tabletop, the stronger your belief will be.
- Add more legs on your empowering beliefs of ‘I can’ and plant seeds of doubt and question the legs on the table of ‘I can’t’.
- Your biggest problem right now is forgetting how brilliant you really are. How amazing and outstanding you really are. Because anytime you focus on why you can’t do something, you are forgetting all the great things that you have accomplished in the past. And you’ve forgotten how persistent you can be, how resilient, determined, tenacious, hungry, driven and certain you can be.
- Understanding that we all have rules and conditions of the things that must happen in order for us to feel certain.
- Some rules can be disempowering whilst others empowering. Some rules we can control whilst some we have no control over.
- To create lasting certainty, you must focus on re-constructing these disempowering rules to empowering rules.
- What’s the point in not believing in yourself? It’s the worst time-wasting activity you can do!
- Faith occurs when your imagination is directed onto the best possible outcome. Fear and doubt occurs when your imagination is directed towards the worst possible outcome. Both have not happened yet, so if you’re going to make something up and imagine what has not happened yet, then you may as well make up a compelling future.
- The journey to success always begins with 2 simple words ‘I can…’
- Knowledge is no longer Power. Action is Power.
- Certainly back in the pre 1800s, knowledge was power and a pen had more power than a sword. Fast forward today, it’s the person who takes the most swings with the sword that will end up on top.
- What makes the difference between success and failure in today’s world is not what we know, but what we do.
- Most people are hooked on a drug called ‘Hopeum’ because they have this belief that they can sit at home and ‘hope’ to manifest their dream life without doing anything.
- The key difference between the successful and non-successful is that successful people create their dreams while they are awake whilst non-successful people create their dreams while they are asleep.
- Hunger is the magic fuel that drives you into action.
- The next most common reason that stops people from taking action is fear.
- Who is winning the day, the fear? Or you? Who is really in charge? And more energy and attention.
- We all are 100% responsible for how we feel and what we focus on. What we pay attention to is the only thing we can control. And at the end of the day, you need to decide which side of the fence you want to live on. Fear and doubt? Or how brilliant and amazing you really are.
- Your biggest problem right now is forgetting how brilliant you really are. How great you really are. How amazing you really are. How outstanding you really are. How determined, persistent, ambitious, hungry, strong, honest, resilient and resourceful you really are.
- Too many people tip top through life hoping to safely make it to death.
- The third most common reason that stops people from taking action is the self-deflating limiting belief that things needs to be ‘perfect’ for you to start. That everything has to be right, in order and sorted for you to start, that all the pieces have to fall in place. The problem with this belief is that it will never be perfect.
- You don’t have to be great to start. But you do have to start to be great. And premise for this phrase is to employ the belief that when you take action, only 2 things can happen: you either get a valuable lesson, or the outcome.
- In life, you only ever get 2 things and 2 things only… you either get the lesson or the outcome. And almost always, the lesson is more valuable than the outcome.
- Because the lesson makes you smarter, stronger and wiser and that knowledge gives you a massive advantage to succeed the next time. And the beautiful thing action takers get rewarded with either the lesson or the outcome. Sadly, procrastinators get neither. It’s a complete win, win situation. You simply cannot lose by taking action.
- Good things may come to those who wait but great things come to those who take massive action and make shit happen!
- If you’re going to procrastinate, then procrastinate later. Ideally save the procrastination for when you’re sleeping in your coffin.
- Tony Robbins says, when you talk about it, it’s a dream, when you envision it, it’s exciting, when you plan it, it’s possible. When you schedule it, it’s real.
- Never ever forget to celebrate along the path to success.
- The road to success is never straight and smooth. It is often littered with pot holes, speed humps and sometimes even forks with no clear signs on which way to go.
- Persilience is the ability to be Persistent and Resilient at the same time. This means that you are able to both recover from, and persevere through any adversity especially when things don’t go your way.
- Some people call this hustle, whilst others may call it push, grit, perseverance, tenacity or stamina.
- Your brain is built to survive, to protect you, to make you feel safe. It is not designed to make you succeed.
- You only ever fail when you stop playing the game.
- When Persilience becomes a part of your mental framework, and becomes a standard and an expectation of the game, you begin to play it differently.
- The 6 human needs are as follows: The need for certainty, uncertainty (variety), significance, love and connection, growth and contribution. The first 4 – certainty, uncertainty (variety), significance, love and connection are the needs of our consciousness and personality. The final 2, growth and contribution are the needs, however, the order of which we value them and the method of how we attain then dictates our destiny.
- The number 1 reason why people fail is due to the lack of resourcefulness. In fact, your greatest resource is your own resourcefulness. And the solution to all your problems is always starring at you in front of the mirror.
- Your T5
- Have you ever wondered why only 2% of people succeed at applying the principle to success and the rest fail? Have you ever wondered what makes them so different? It all comes down to who you spent time with, more importantly whom you spend most of your time with. That is, your top 5 alliances. In fact, one of the most important decisions you will ever have to make in your entire life time is actually deciding that this is an important decision! And the decision is about who you spend time with. Obviously, the most important person is your spouse, followed by the next 4 people you consciously decide to have in your inner circle and peer group.
- You see, your current situation and results in your life is a direct reflection of the standards you set yourself because in life you get what you tolerate. And the biggest influencer on what sets your standards in the long term is who you spend more time with. Because once we commit ourselves to a ‘tribe’, we will do whatever it takes to be a part of that tribe, and that means over time, we will match out standards to the standards of your tribe or top 5.
- The reasons why motivation never lasts is because your standards are not changed.
- If you’re earning $100,000 per year and you want to earn $500,000 year, then you must begin to spend time with people in that income bracket. Because they will set the standards of how you will live your life. More than that, they set the belief structures, mindset and values that you need to employ to be able to achieve what they achieve.
- In life you will always get what you focus on. Because what you focus on expands.
- My standards outgrew the tribe, and I made a fatal error in not slowly finding myself a new tribe to continually raise or at least keep my new standards.
- Success breeds success and success is contagious.
- You are the average of the top 5 people you spend most time with.
- Not just from an income perspective, but also the way you dress, what you eat, your level of health and fitness, what you believe, the language you use to the way you parent your children. Every aspect of your life becomes adversely affected by your peer group. Every aspect.
- It all comes down to who you spend time with. Do not, I repeat, do not underestimate the power of your peer group. They silently influence you more than you would ever know. While it’s great to have support from your peers, ultimately, to grow to the next level, we need a peer group that will consistently challenge and push us to grow to the next level.
- Spend more time with the most successful or positive person in your current top 5 and less time with the least successful person and least positive. Then you can ask that person to introduce you to one or two people in their top 5 that you can begin to spend time with as well. And you can slowly build your way up from there.
- You can volunteer to crew at success seminars.
- You could also seek mentorship.
- Every road to success leaves footprints. Footprints of which can be traced back to its source to find out exactly how someone walked the path to success. And the quickest way to achieve your vision is to model another person who has achieved what you’re aiming to do and to follow their footprints. Not only is this the quickest way, it is the method that will give you the most certainty in achieving your outcome.
- Your life will only present to you a handful of big forks in the road, and when this happens, you need to have more certainty in your own intuition than the certainty of the outcome you’re after.
- Following your heart is scary. Yes, it cannot see far into the future, but it always knows what’s next.
- Everything that occurs in life has both positive and negative aspects. The moment you understand this and understand that there is a divine hidden perfection in the universe, you’ll be able to get into a state of equanimity.
- The strongest force in the human personality is to remain in congruence and integrity with who you believe you are and people will always follow through with and take action on who they believe they are.
- I firmly believe that we are all born with greatness. With brilliance. With divine power. And we are all destined to shine in our own unique special way. And anytime you let your fears, worries, stresses, anxieties or negative identities shape who you are, the real truth is that you are really playing it small. Because playing it small is being safe. And this is the most selfish thing you can do. Because if you truly believe that there is greatness within you, and you are not calling yourself to it, then you are being selfish. Because being small does not benefit your family, your friends, your colleagues, your community and it does not benefit the world in any way shape or form. By playing small, the only person it benefits is you. That is why it is selfish.
- How much longer do you want to be selfish for?
- Some empowering beliefs that you use to help you along your journey to success are:
- I AM POWERFUL BEYOND MY WILDEST DREAMS.
- I AM A VISIONARY. I KNOW WHAT I WANT.
- I AM PURPOSEFUL IN ALL THAT I DO.
- I AM THE ULTIMATE BELIEVER IN MYSELF.
- I AM THE MOST PROACTIVE PERSON I KNOW, ACTION IS MY MIDDLE NAME.
- I AM AS TOUGH AS STEEL. I NEVER EVER GIVE UP.
- I AM AS RESOUCEFUL AS THEY COME.
- I ALWAYS FIND A WAY.
- I AM WORTHY OF LOVE.
- I AM INFECTIOUS TO BE AROUND.
- I OOZE FUN POSITIVE ENERGY.
- I AM A GOOD PERSON WIH A BIG HEART.
- I AM INTELLIGENT.
- I AM OUTSTANDING.
- I AM AMAZING.
- Play with chance and work with opportunity.
- Everything is a question of behavior in life and you have 2 categories of people:
- Those who dread failure at any moment and are more pessimistic.
- Those who on the contrary seek only success and great results and have a more positive attitude to life.
- 50 Words to Your Dreams47
- Brian Tracy11
- Business & Marketing68
- Chris Guillebeau3
- Dale Carnegie3
- Donald Trump2
- Earl Nightingale2
- Eckhart Tolle3
- Evan Carmichael2
- Gary Vaynerchuk6
- Grant Cardone7
- Jim Rohn3
- John Maxwell2
- Lewis Howes2
- Malcolm Gladwell2
- Napoleon Hill6
- Og Mandino2
- Personal Development123
- Real Estate2