I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brené Brown | Book Summary
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I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brené Brown
Do you ever think back to something embarrassing you did in the past and wish the earth would just swallow you up as you replay that moment over and over? Perhaps you texted someone you liked and were flatly rejected, or maybe you made a major blunder at work in front of all your colleagues.
That feeling? It’s shame – a complex blend of embarrassment, pain and a sense of isolation that makes you suspect your mistake somehow marks you as a mediocre or deeply fallible person.
But in the end, absolutely everyone is fallible. Realizing that mistakes, and the profoundly negative feelings they can prompt, are shared by many helps to mitigate our experience of shame, and can let us feel safe in the knowledge that we’re not alone.
In this summary of I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) by Brené Brown, you’ll learn
- what can trigger shame;
- how empathy can be a powerful antidote to shame; and
- why we should all give up on the pursuit of perfection.
I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #1: Shame is a confusing and painful emotion caused by rejection at sensitive times.
There are plenty of uncomfortable topics of conversation that most of us will try to steer clear of, but one subject that people particularly loathe discussing is the emotion of shame. As a result, many of us don’t have a proper understanding of what it really is.
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Shame is a visceral emotion whose exact characteristics are difficult to describe, but at its core, it has to do with a feeling of not being good enough. Articulating such an experience can be difficult – after all, discussing shame requires us to, at least to a certain degree, relive the pain it causes.
That being said, when the author interviewed over 300 people about how they experience shame, she discovered a theme; shame is a negative feeling connected to a sense of rejection and the exposure of aspects of ourselves that we tend to hide.
Based on this information, the author put together the following definition: shame is a deeply painful sensation that stems from the belief that we’re not good enough, and that this shortcoming will prevent us from being accepted by and belonging to a group.
But how does shame arise?
Most often, shame occurs when people seek compassion, but experience rejection instead. For instance, one participant in the author’s study spoke about how her mother persistently shamed her because of her weight. When the participant visited her mother, the first words out of her mother’s mouth would be about how she was still fat, and the last would be about how she hoped her daughter could lose weight before they saw each other next.
Or consider another participant whose mother committed suicide when she was in high school. It was a time when she needed support and compassion, but she was instead ostracized by her fellow students for being the daughter of a crazy lady who hung herself.
Even from these examples, it’s clear that a lack of empathy precipitates shame, and that’s precisely what we’ll explore next.
3:22 I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #2: The solution to shame is empathy; understanding another person’s perspective without judgment.
If you get bitten by a poisonous snake, you can receive a dose of antivenom that will save you. This is a dramatic example of the many antidotes available to us, and thankfully, a powerful antidote also exists for the feeling of shame – it’s called empathy.
Since everyone experiences shame, what truly matters is that we learn how to manage it.
Every participant interviewed by the author pointed to empathy as the essential factor in quickly overcoming and recovering from shame. However, receiving empathy from others isn’t the only important step; it’s also essential for you to empathize with them.
Most people first feel empathy by sharing a difficult experience with another person and hearing them say that they understand. Knowing that another person has experienced what you’re experiencing, and that it’s not unusual or uncommon, makes you feel less isolated and more accepted.
But to achieve this understanding, you need to be able to see things from the other person’s perspective without passing judgment, which means being present and aware of the other person’s story.
For instance, one year, the author was overwhelmed by the number of tasks she had to complete one weekend. She had promised to bring cookies to a party at her daughter’s school, but she forgot. In her embarrassment, she lied to the teacher, claiming a dessert brought by another visitor as her own contribution.
Later, when she told a friend about this, the friend responded by saying that the author had done her best, that she was juggling too many things and didn’t want to make a bad impression on the teacher. This response was purely empathetic; there was no judgment, just a simple taking of the author’s perspective.
You now have some sense of how to relieve shame. Next up, you’ll learn how to identify when exactly you’re experiencing it.
5:27 I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #3: Dealing with shame requires recognizing it and understanding where it comes from.
Have you ever felt like you’re coming down with some sort of illness, but just decided to ignore it? If you have, you likely learned that listening to yourself is important to your physical health – and the same goes for your mental health.
As such, to deal with shame, you first need to recognize it. Through her research, the author found that the people who could notice and precisely describe their shame were much better at handling it.
Some of these people, when confronted with shame, might get a dry mouth and have difficulty swallowing. Others turn red and start shaking, while still others become incapable of even getting out of bed.
However it manifests, noticing your shame enables you to overcome it, because to truly deal with shame, you also need to understand what triggers it. Accurately identifying shame lets you start looking for these triggers.
That being said, there are no universal causes of shame, since it’s largely dependent on negative personal experiences from early on in one’s life. For instance, one of the people interviewed by the author, Sylvia, made an error at work and found herself on the company’s loser list, a piece of paper posted in the hallway detailing all the people who had messed up that month.
While others might have shrugged it off, Sylvia, who grew up with an extremely competitive father, simply couldn’t. Her father had always told her and her sister that nobody likes losers, and that there’s nothing worse than being one. Naturally, being publicly shamed as a loser was deeply triggering for her.
The good news is that by knowing the triggers of your own shame, you can take a step back when it starts to flare up. Doing so will give you a better shot at processing the emotion and emerging with a positive feeling on the other side.
7:27 I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #4: Critical awareness gives us a wider perspective on shame.
On one occasion, while giving a presentation on critical awareness to a pharmaceutical company, the author found herself losing the interest of her audience. Rather than feeling shame or panic, she simply told them that they seemed more interested in the pizza that would follow the presentation than in her talk. By doing so, she was exercising awareness of herself.
She went on to explain that she knew they only had a short lunch break and that the pizza was a major incentive for them to be there at all. By pointing this out, she was displaying critical awareness. This all-important ability refers to understanding both why and how something happens.
Critical awareness is vital to handling shame because it gives us the ability to zoom out. After all, when we feel ashamed, we can’t really think of anything else. By taking a step back we can notice the social causes of our shame and address it more easily and effectively.
For instance, when we complain about our frizzy hair, our freckles or the size of our bellies, it can feel like we’re the only ones experiencing such thoughts. But the reality is that beauty and body image are almost universal triggers for shame. To understand these thoughts, we need to look at society and understand the expectations it places on us.
Not only that, but critical awareness helps us see when we’re being manipulated. By zooming out even further, we can see that there’s an entire industry fuelling our negative feelings regarding body image, and that we consume its content in the form of magazines and TV shows.
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Such media makes us feel shame, and that’s exactly what this industry wants; this shame is what makes us spend so much money trying to live up to impossible standards of beauty and attractiveness.
Naturally, the results of such a process are disastrous. For instance, some 7 million women in the United States alone suffer from eating disorders. But by being able to see this bigger picture, we can realize how others suffer too, normalizing shame and taking away its sting.
10:05 I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #5: Connecting with others is a form of healing, both for us and for them.
When we feel hurt or ashamed, a common reaction is to retreat into ourselves. However, what we actually need is to do exactly the opposite; connecting with others is crucial to healing from the experience of shame.
The opposite of shame is self-esteem. There is a broad tendency to believe that certain things, namely a successful career or a terrific outfit, will boost our self-esteem – but the reality is entirely different.
The psychologists Jean Baker Miller and Irene Stiver found in a 1997 study that forming and maintaining relationships is the most reliable way to make people feel grounded and sure of their value. And this is especially true when it comes to shame.
Having friendships and support networks through which we can share our life experiences shows us how others share our difficulties. This removes the isolation from shame, makes it easier to manage and can change the way we see other people.
We can even help other people heal by reaching out to them. Such an ability is so powerful that we can actually transform shameful experiences into positive ones.
Just take a participant interviewed by the author, whose father was married to a younger woman and whose mother was married to a man with six previous wives. She was often shamed for the eccentric marital histories of her parents, and when she hears someone being judged for having a strange family she shares the story about her own.
When it comes down to it, we all have weird families, each with its own imperfections. It’s only because we habitually lie about such things that visible imperfections are met with ridicule.
12:02 I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #6: The lie of perfection fuels shame and makes it hard for us to care for others.
Most of us know that the perfection we see depicted on TV isn’t real. But it’s still easy to get sucked into the illusion that it is.
This is a prime example of how perfection is a shame-producing lie. Just take Alex, the iconic 1980s character played by Jennifer Beals in the movie Flashdance. In the famous dance audition scene, Alex nails an incredible number that combines ballet and breakdance. But in reality, the scene is a combination of Jennifer Beals’ face, a professional ballet dancer, a top gymnast and even a male breakdancer.
With enough editing and polish, movie scenes or photo shoots end up providing the false image of perfection that we get from the mass media. Naturally, the major problem with such images is that we’re led to believe that we should admire and emulate these perfect humans; who wouldn’t feel ashamed trying to live up to such an unrealistic ideal?
But there’s another issue with the perfection lie: it makes it difficult to fill human roles, like that of a caregiver. After all, if we expect to be perfect, we’ll expect it from others too. This can only lead to difficulty in imperfect situations, such as caring for an elderly parent who is losing his cognitive faculties.
As a result, caregivers are often extremely hard on themselves, disappointed by their feelings of resentment. For instance, one of the author’s interviewees, Chelsea, cared for her mother for two years before putting her into a nursing home. But when she did, she was overcome by guilt and shame for not having been able to do everything by herself.
It’s clear that such ideals of perfection aren’t healthy, and a good way to overcome them is to show the opposite: vulnerability. By accepting our own limitations in such situations, we can alleviate many of our shameful feelings.
14:12 I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Key Idea #7: Anger is a tempting way to cover up shame – but it only makes things worse.
Have you ever totally lost it on someone just so you didn’t have to be honest about how hurt, ashamed or embarrassed you were feeling? It’s a common reaction, and anger is a tempting tool with which to hide shame.
In fact, shame even appears to be directly related to blaming, as people are constantly pointing fingers to avoid confronting their feelings. Psychologists June Tangney and Ronda Dearing say that people can protect themselves from their shame by projecting it outward and blaming others through a self-righteous burst of anger.
Essentially, this is a way for people to regain control over their shame by exerting power. However, anger really just makes things worse.
Many of the people the author interviewed admitted that they invariably regretted the angry outbursts that resulted from their shame. While such explosions might feel good in the moment because they relieve some of the pain, in the long run, they are simply detrimental to relationships.
People can become alienated because they can’t understand where their anger is coming from. This, in turn, isolates the angry person, producing more shame as their connection to the other is weakened.
But that doesn’t mean everybody should suppress their anger. Anger is actually a healthy emotion – just not when it’s hiding another one. That’s why, if you’re feeling shame, it’s important to try to stay with it, describe it and reach out to other people.
You now know that anger can be a mere mask for shame, that focussing on perfection isn’t a solution and that it’s essential to avoid being trapped by shame.
Rather than letting yourself fall into these unhealthy patterns, let yourself be vulnerable, turn to those around you to forge connections and share the empathy that you and others need to heal.
16:13 In Review: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Book Summary
The key message in this book:
We’ve all experienced shame and we’ll all experience it again at some point down the road. Rather than trying to ignore this inevitability of life, it’s essential to acknowledge and normalize it. By doing so, we can constructively deal with this painful emotion, connect with others and emerge from a difficult experience with our self-esteem intact.
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Rescuing Socrates | Roosevelt Montas Interview | How the Great Books Changed My Life
Roosevelt Montás. A Senior Lecturer at Columbia University. He holds a Ph.D. in English and Comparative Literature from Columbia University. He was Director of the Center for the Core Curriculum at Columbia College from 2008 to 2018. . a renaissance man who loves literature and writing, as well as being the director of Columbia University’s Freedom and Citizenship Program. He speaks and writes on the history, meaning, and future of liberal education and is author of Rescuing Socrates: How the Great Books Changed My Life and Why They Matter for a New Generation
ROOSEVELT
[00:00:00] Best Book Bits podcast brings you Roosevelt Montes, a senior lecturer at Columbia University. He holds a PhD in English in comparative literature from Columbia University as well. He’s also the director of Center for Core Curriculum at Columbia College from 2008 to 2018. A Renaissance man who loves literature and writing.
As being Director of Climate University’s Freedom and Citizen program, he speaks and writes on. Meaning in the future of liberal education and is the author of Rescuing Socrates, had a great books Change My Life and Why they Matter for a New Generation Roosevelt, thanks for being on the show. Thank you, Michael.
I’m delighted to be here. No worries. Now what A book and a personal story. Now let’s go all the way back to when you and your brother took that first flight, three hours that changed your life. How did your story unfold from. I came from the Dominican Republic to New York. It’s a, as you said, about a three hour plane flight, but oh my God, I might have as well [00:01:00] landed on Mars.
It was of a culture shock. I didn’t speak English. It was also a shock at a kind of developmental level. I grew up in a rural mountain town, and here I was in the middle of new. In the middle of the decade of the eighties, and yeah, you couldn’t speak English and you went in New York.
What was the next steps for you? What did you do then? How did your journey unfold and where did you start? Those were pretty rough years coming in. We, I had come to the stage with my older brother to join our mother who had immigrated a few years earlier. She. Minimum wage job in a garden factory.
She lost that job not long after we came we ended up living in the basement of a, a distant relative. Went to the public, the local public schools. Middle school for me that seventh and eighth grade. My first grade was seventh grade. The local public school was a pretty under resource.
Rough difficult environment. And from there I went into the local high school and that was a [00:02:00] sort of a better situation in that this high school John Bound High School in Flushing, Queens happened to be, at the time, it probably still ranks pretty high up at the time, it was the most diverse high school in New York City.
It is because of its location. It is at the knob of various immigrant communities. So there were a lot of immigrants, a lot of different languages spoken and like me, there was a kind of cohort of immigrant kids that were looking to school as their way out of poverty and marginality.
So my sort of immediate peers, , pretty high achieving and very serious students, and I just followed along and it was that work in high school, that environment that nursed a kind of intellectual orientation that landed me at Columbia where I studied as an undergraduate and where I have been in one way or another ever.
Yeah. Awesome. And what did you, what got you into studying books? What was that and what was the catalyst for education that changed and changed your life for a [00:03:00] better future? Do you remember what sort of kick started the journey on that? There were a couple of really crucial junctures and influences.
One was in high school my first year of high school. I made this relationship with a person who turned out to be a really important, decisive mentor in my life. Somebody who saw me in the hallway reading a philosophy book and engaged me. And he continues to be my friend to this day.
So he was very important in guiding, orienting mentoring me. But influences go back even further than that. The household I grew up in, the Dominican Republic with my father was extremely political. My father was a kind of left wing Marx. Dissident who spent time in jail was an opponent of the right wing regime.
So I grew up thinking, I grew up listening to. Debates and interested in the world of ideas and interested in a world that was larger than my own sort of domestic personal space. So I [00:04:00] think that was a sort of a crucial orientation that I came to the United States with already, and which set me on the path of of scholarship and the life of the.
Yeah. Understood. Yeah, it makes sense. One of the things I found interesting, you had a key passage about how people in the Dominican Republic react to what Americans throw out in the garbage. Can you describe this encounter of cultures and how you found, treasure in someone else’s trash? What book did you find?
Yeah, there’s a, in the Dominican Republic there, there are a lot of people from there in New York and they would go back and talk about this place. , unbelievable affluence where you could just pick stuff from this pick up stuff from the street, TVs, couches appliances and furniture of all kinds.
So I had a, I I had a kind of a habit of always checking out the piles of garbage, and indeed did find a number of interesting things there, the most decisive of which was a pile of books that my neighbors have thrown away. And I fished out two volumes from there that, whose names. Rang a bell.
One was a volume of [00:05:00] Shakespeare and one was a volume by Play-Doh, the dialogues of Play-Doh, that record Socrates’ last days. And that’s the book that I started reading and introduced me to ancient thought to philosophy. I didn’t really know what I was reading, I didn’t know, didn’t really have a conception of what antiquity was or didn’t have a conception of really how far away this man I was reading about was.
But that book. So profoundly transformative for me. And one of the ways in which it was, is that it opened the path to this relationship. I alluded to before. That was the book that teacher saw me reading. He, that teacher is a Greek man himself. And he was just wide-eyed with astonishment that this kid who’s struggling in English is here reading the dialogues of Play-Doh.
So he be, became a mentor and Play-Doh Socrates became a, For the intellectual life, a model for the kinds of questions, the kinds of pursuits that would come to really shape my life and career. Yeah. Excellent. Let’s fast forward to why you wrote the book. So what’s the [00:06:00] book about the Rescue of Socrates and what is the liberal education for the people out there that dunno what liberal education is?
The book is fundamentally. About just that issue. Liberal education. And part of what motivates it is that it is a thing that is so poorly understood. It gets thrown about in public discourse a lot. People sometimes. Think that liberal education means like politically liberal as opposed to conservative.
Like you go to university and you become a com, you become a a left wing activist, and that’s because you’ve got liberal education. But in fact, liberal education goes back way before our kind of political divides, right now it goes back to ancient Greece. And the idea there was what kind of education is appropriate for a free individual?
And a free individual. In the context of Athenian democracy meant a citizen meant somebody who participated in direct democracy in the shaping and govern governance of the society. They made laws, they sat on juries, they made [00:07:00] foreign policy. Every aspect of Athenian city life was determined democratically by debate and deliberation of the free citizens.
So what kind of education are we going to? For individuals to prepare them for this task of collective self-governance. That’s what liberal education is and to this day, that remains the kernel of the idea. What does an individual need to a participate meaningfully? In a collective democratic project of self-governance, and B, what does an individual need personally to organize his or her life in a way that is satisfying, in a way that is productive in a way that LE leads to the fullest?
Human flourishing available to the person. That is what liberal education is about. Yeah, said. And especially we’re in the age of, education information, overwhelmed. And the old saying is to know where we are, we need to know where we’ve been to understand the present. We need to understand the past as well.
In terms of where we come from in the education [00:08:00] philosophy and all the great people, books and stories behind us. We’re at the apex of civilization, but we’ve got a mountain, we live on a mountain of information. And we need to know where that base comes from as well. So the, these great authors in your book, you talk about four of them.
So that’s Saint Augustine Plato, Sigmund Freud, and Mahat Macand. You’ve probably, and Ian asked this a million times, but why these four? I’m sure there’s others, but how did you choose these four individuals and what impact did they have on your. It was actually hard deciding what four authors I wanted to showcase in making the case for liberal education.
So the book wanted to do three things. One was to tell the story of my own intellectual development and how liberal education had shaped my own life. B, talk about the history of liberal education, explain what that was, and three, exemplify the kind of liberal education that I. Through the reading of Great Books.
So finding those four authors was a bit challenging because so many authors have been [00:09:00] important to me and so many authors I think are worthwhile people’s attention. Those four, however, rose to the, to, to the top because for idiosyncratic, sometimes accidental reasons, I happen to read them at decisive, pivotal points in my life and they had an outsized impact in the way that.
Thought about myself in the way that I approached the world. And in retrospect, I realized that part of what accounts for that is that these four authors are people who are utterly devoted to self-exploration that is utterly devoted to understand the inner resources of their own mind and their own.
they’re always looking at the world. They’re all very engaged with the world in politics, in religion, in clinical psychology. So they’re not withdrawn from the world or kind of self-absorbed, but their engagement with the world is always an occasion to look inside, to look deep and to search for a grounding, to search for an understanding, to search [00:10:00] for some kind of clarity, some kind of authentic vision within themselves.
Sort of self-exploration. The search for understanding for self-knowledge is the through line. Of these four, four writers and in some ways a through line for my intellectual trajectory. Yeah. Saint Augustine. What’s the story with him? If people dunno who he is, how he converted to Christianity became a saint of what’s his story and how does it relate to your life?
So the key text that I read is Augustine wrote a lot. He was a major writer in antiquity third, fourth century. He wrote a sort of autobiography called The Confess. . And this is a book in which he looks at his life and his trajectory from the time he was born to his conversion to Christianity, and it’s a sort of intellectual and personal autobiography.
He had made a career as a teacher of rhetoric, now back in, in anti, in, in Rome called the Roman Empire Up. Teacher of rhetoric was [00:11:00] essentially a philosopher, but somebody who thought deeply about the questions of life and taught students how to essentially be free citizens. Both philosophical, ethical, legal, historical studies, but all having to do with language expression, understanding.
So he was a superstar teacher of rhetoric, explor. All of the deep philosophical questions that preoccupied his time and this questioning initiative had led him away from Christianity. His mother was a Christian, but he soon thought that Christianity was foolish and irrational and superstitious and not worth anyone’s time, but he wanted answers to the big questions in life.
So he goes through a series of philosophical religious experiences and little by. He droves closer and closer to Christianity until finally in a kind of dramatic climax scene. He has this experience in a garden, in his house in Milan and becomes converted to Christianity. It is an and Augustine, because he’s a teacher of rhetoric he has at his [00:12:00] disposal.
Extraordinary, expressive, rhetorical. For the project that he’s doing, A comic explaining his life, explaining his own psychology, explaining his own evolution of thought. So we know the inner life of St. Augustine better than we know the life, inner life of any individual in antiquity. And one of the things that strike your reading St.
Augustine, is how modern and contemporary he seems, how so many of the things that he articulates and struggle. Are recognizable to an individual 2000 years later in a different culture, a different time, a different language. There is this powerful sense of recognition when you read Augustine One, one famous line, people know augustin is when he’s struggling to, to become a Christian.
He says, Lord, make me chased, but not yet. So he articulates things that are quite vivid, vividly felt by even contemporary. Yeah, thanks for sharing. And just a side note, liberal humanities was invented at Columbia, is that right? In the thirties, and it was offered to read one classic [00:13:00] book a week, and that was considered a radical thing back in the time.
Can you expand on the history of that with Wich humanities and why it’s really important at Columbia? Yeah, that’s right. So at the turn of the 20th century as Columbia University in the city of New. One of the oldest universities in the country, part of a, kind of a small cohort of very elite institutions.
Columbia, at that point, was undergoing a kind of identity crisis and transformation, and it had to make a decision between being a. Elite school for the traditional cr la creme of society prep school boys or to turn towards the new influx of immigrants that the city represented.
And it made the decision to go urban. So it dropped its Latin requirement, it dropped its Greek requirement and began to organize a curriculum that was meant. absorb and democratize the student body. Now it’s a complex history. Not always not always pretty Colombia, like all of the other elite schools were also worried about having too many Jews and did all kinds of things to exclude and [00:14:00] keep down the number of Jewish students.
But it’s in that, in, in that mix that Columbia creates this course. That it’s, the idea is that students will read in translation at classic every week. So one day you might be reading Roman Classic one day, a Greek classic later an English classic. And this was a radical idea because the part the university was organized then and now around kind of departments.
So you could take an English class and you would just read English literature or a classics class and just take, just read classic classics Greek and Roman Classic. . So this new course was going to be not affiliated with any particular discipl or department. It was gonna be a kind of look at all of the stuff that’s really valuable, we think, for an undergraduate to be exposed to.
It meant it was hard to find teachers who felt comfortable teaching that kind of range of texts. Course was a huge success at Columbia, and in fact it influenced the way that the curriculum in American Higher Education developed so many schools adopted versions of [00:15:00] this model. And for a long time, this was the dominant way in which students encountered the humanities.
it’s no longer the case. Now, Columbia is a kind of an outlier in maintaining that approach to education, the sort of dominance of departments, the dominance, specialization, the reluctance of faculty to teach outside of the specialty has Dom dominates again, the cor the curriculum of American Higher Education.
So it’s very rare. To find a course in which you can do what I did as a first year student at Columbia, which has encountered all these great thinkers, all these great questions in a way that was vital and alive and connected to, not a discipline, but my condition of being a human being. Yeah. One thing you touched on, which is really interesting, I know you’ve touched on this in the past before but we know we’ve got great institutions around the world with universities.
There’s a thirst and a zeal of students that one learns knowledge, but the key element in the middle of this particular is the teacher. How important is it to have [00:16:00] the right teacher? The qualities, what kind of qualities does it take for the right teacher to influence the students as well? Can you expand on that and how important it is to have the right.
Yes, it is. It is in invaluable inestimable the role that a teacher plays. Most people who have had their lives transformed or impacted by education have that ha have had that happen, not because. extraordinary intellectual content that they encountered. But because that content was delivered through a particular vehicle, through a particular channel, through a teacher that somehow ignited their mind and liberal education, unlike other forms of education in the university, is something that happens from person to.
Liberal education happens. I sometimes I say that it happens by contagion. It’s like something that you catch rather than by instruction. A [00:17:00] liberal education teacher is concerned with the full development of the individual. Ask a person. Not as a future lawyer, not as a future banker, not equipping you with the right knowledge to build a bridge or to solve a differential equation.
The subject matter is always secondary. In liberal education, the primary thing is the development of the student, is this kind of unfolding, flowering, flourishing of the students. That happens always in a unique way. There’s no pattern. Every individual is going to be different and the teacher’s.
for the individuality of the student, for the particularity of the student, for the kind of wholesome, full development of the student. That’s what drives liberal education, and it is when you, as a student encounter that, when you encounter somebody who suddenly seems to you to care about you, not just about your mind, that is the, that connection that conduit.
Of really [00:18:00] psychological, emotional af really affection. It’s what it is that becomes the vehicle through which the education gets transmitted and happens. So teaching and teachers are absolutely critical in the project of liberal education. Yeah, and just in education, I they’ve made a good couple movies of it.
Goodwill Hunting, Robin Williamson and Matt Damon. The story of the teacher and the student, and even Dangerous Minds with Michelle Pfeiffer as well. That’s cool. That just shows the power of the teacher who’s engaged and brings out the best in the students as well. What qualities do you see from great professors and teachers that really bring out the best in their students?
One is that they are not trying to reproduce themselves. That is their interest is not in reproducing their specialized knowledge. If they are, a physicist, their interest in you is not to make you a physicist, or there are, if they are a classicist, their interest is not making you a classicist.
Their interest is in equipping you to develop yourself into kind of the best version of yourself. So that kind of prior prioritization of the student, of the subject [00:19:00] is a quality of the teacher. The teacher is also not trying to persuade you to see the world in the way that he or she sees it.
The teacher is trying to, in a way, replace him or herself, does not want you to ape or mimic his thought or her thought, but to develop your own capacity. So there is a a sort of independent and a skepticism that the. Is interested in fostering a teacher is also has to be a, in the context of a classroom, has to be a very good least listener and a kind of a sort of conductor of conversation.
It, there’s a kind of skill involved when you’re running a discussion, where do you push where do you encourage where do you add information? Where do you try to? The topic, when do you encourage minority opinion or when do you add information into the discussion that shifts that kind of reframes what’s being said and all of this happens.
There is no formula. All of this happens spontaneously, and it [00:20:00] is a very , but subtle skill that is required to be that kind of discussion. Leader in a c. Yeah. And it’s not something you could put on a resume or a profile. I think finding the right people for the right job, it’s one of the hardest things in the world.
They call it recruitment or head hunting. But we’ll move on it, it’s another topic in itself, but talking about Sigmund Freud, how did you uncover Sigmund Freud? What got you started? And he talked about, Tara Incognito, finding out that, the world’s full of mysteries and the mysteries and shadows that live in our mind.
How did you uncover that, and what’s the story with Sigma f? Freud has such a bad reputation today, right? So Freud is often when I first introduced Freud to students, the often the first thing I hear is, oh, Freud has been discredited. Freud was wrong about everything. And of course, Freud was wrong about a lot of stuff, and he was very bold.
He would assert pretty hypothetical and pretty speculative things as if they. Undeniable truths. He got a lot of it wrong. [00:21:00] But the big thing that Freud got right was that we are not fully transparent to ourselves. That our knowledge of ourselves is fragmentary, that we hide from ourselves even more than we tell ourselves.
And that to live an authentic and genuine life involves a kind of skepticism and curiosity about yourself. That the mind, your mind is, as you put it, terra and cota, they are vast regions of the mind that are not accessible to you, and that only become accessible through disciplined, dedicated curiosity.
So what Freud did for me was reveal myself, my own mind as an object of study. It has made. Cautious and in some ways humble about my own certainties, about my own motivations about my own accounts of myself. It has made me attentive to my emotional [00:22:00] responses. There the, sometimes there’s an image is used to, to.
Freud’s kind of understanding of the mind of the, as centor this kind of mythical being that has the head of a human being, but the body of a wild horse. And it’s like the head is rational is cognitively developed, abstract. But underneath that is a beast, is an irrational, emotional, chaotic perhaps lutful, perhaps aggressive beast.
And those things live together. So it’s made me, and I think it makes any attentive reader of Freud aware that there’s a lot more going on in your thoughts than you think that there’s a lot more going on in your. Narratives about yourself. In your own understanding of the worlds there are hidden agendas.
You are driven by hidden agendas that you hide from yourself. So the, any effort you can make to clarify those agendas and any progress you make in uncovering those agendas [00:23:00] deepens and enriches your life in in, in just invaluable, priceless. Yeah, I think it’s an interesting fact that you make in the book as well, that when you’re at Columbia, that everyone is on the curriculum, you’re accustomed to everyone being in therapy all the time.
You say that everyone in your class was at therapy and you shared a personal story of yourself. Six years in psychoanalysis. This untangle in the psychic tangles that accumulate in your life. But right now, I meet a lot of authors that talk about shadow work and inner work and, child childhood traumas.
And I think we’ve all very accustomed to now being very open and talking about doing the shadow work as well. We’ve all got tangles and accumulation of the psychic traumas of our paths that make us and shape us to what we are now. Talk to me a little bit about psychoanalysis. Back in the day it was considered a very controversial thing, but now it’s very open.
Do you see any changes in psychoanalysis now? Yeah, psychoanalysis. Yeah. Psychoanalysis is hugely different today than it was. In the kind of Freudian line, although psychoanalysis, that term [00:24:00] continues to be pretty, pretty Freudian. In fact, when people talk about being trained in psychoanalysis or doing psychoanalysis as opposed to therapy that’s a flag that they are in a more Freudian.
cast than regular psychotherapy. So psychoanalysis is a sort of Freudian term, but therapy in general has moved very far away from the thing that Freud theorized cognitive behavioral therapy, castile therapy, group therapy, marriage counseling it’s really exploded, whereas today it is utterly entrusted in the kind.
Mental health, medical establishment. Again, even while Freud is not all of these practices that were opened up by Freud’s talk method and it is I think healthy that people are that has been largely destigmatized. Now, I say largely because it’s, there’s still a long way to go. And there is a socioeconomic marking to it that [00:25:00] is usually people that are more affluent that are more highly educated, that have more resources at the disposal, are much more open to psychotherapy and psychoanalysis than working class.
Less. The non elites. So there is still tremendous stigma among populations that would really profoundly benefit from therapeutic interventions. There’s still a big stick stigma there. So even though it’s much more pervasive and ubiquitous in the culture, it’s still too much localized in a particular sort of socioeconomic.
Yeah, just like anything, the low socioeconomic people, they just don’t have the resources all the time to do it. And the wealthy people have all the resources and all the time to to ru ruminate and think about what they’re thinking about. And definitely go see someone and get help from it as well.
But you just gotta stop thinking about that. Moving on to gti, GTIs, one of my favorites as well, the autobiography, his quest for truth, self realization. He’s looking for moksha and he’s on always on the verge of death a few times. Search for truth meeting wanting to meet God [00:26:00] face to face.
What’s your experience with Gandhi and why is he so important in your life? So Gandhi was a really profound kind of life transformative revelation for me. And I came to Gandhi quite late in my life. That is all of my formal education was done. I had a PhD, I was a professor. And I had cut my teeth in what loosely called the Western tradition, reading the Western classics of literature or philosophy of religion.
But I knew that there was a whole sort of universe of ethical, philosophical thought. That I had no exposure to, and my own appreciation of the Western Classics led me to appreciate the fact that these other classics were really worth my attention. But how did I start? Gandhi emerged as a sort of entry point.
Let me explore Gandhi because I knew enough. You, there’s a great sort of biopic of Gandhi with Ben Kingsley. Yeah. Amazing movie. Amazing movie. Amazing movie, right? So you can [00:27:00] start there and you will grasp immediately that Gandhi is a kind of hinge figure that Gandhi is western educated.
He’s a lawyer barrister trained in England a kind of good English colonial subject for the British Empire. But then he is rooted in this deep and ancient spiritual tradition as an orthodox. . And he is as learned in the Western classics as he is spiritually committed to his Hinduism. So Gandhi became a kind of a figure that through which I entered this whole different ethical universe, this whole different way of understanding spirituality, of understanding politics, of understanding humanity, ethics, justice, truth that we’re.
Quite different than what I had encountered and which were really powerfully enriching. At the time that I started really Gandhi, I had also begun to explore meditation. I had a fledgling practice in Buddhist meditation. So Gandhi also fed [00:28:00] and invigorated, enriched that, that meditation practice.
And it opened up. sort of dimension of spiritual growth for me that has been, continues to be really central. in my life. Yeah. We actually have a similar past, so I’m in between two worlds of Buddhism and Christianity as well. Studied Buddhism for I think 20 years and Christianity as well. think there’s a convergence of truth there.
Truth is truth no matter if you agree with or not. But yeah, talking about. Gti, for example, he’s talking about his life, so it’s an autobiography of his life. These aren’t things that he sat there and he thought about and wrote about. These are things that he actually lived as well. So people, things that he actually experienced and went through.
It’s amazing how teaching, you liberal arts and education in humanities and just the classics, so there’s so much rich knowledge in someone’s life experience that just because we don’t have to experience it, we can still mentally understand the inform. And experienced by reading those rich text and experiences of life as well.
So yeah, great stuff. The classics are classics because they [00:29:00] engage with humanity’s deepest questions. The things that we grapple with, the things that when we wake up in the middle of the night in our kind of solitude cause us awe and wonder and sometimes anxiety. Those are the questions that the classics are concerned.
Probably a good segue to talk about why the classics are under threat as well. So can you talk to me about the challenge liberal education has in the growing emphasis of a higher education on workforce training and what you call transactional and instrumental education, there are two ways in which you can think about education to to understandings of education.
One is equipping you with very concrete and practical. Applicable knowledge. If you study civil engineering, you will learn, about how to manage water systems and maybe how to build bridges and about infrastructure. Very concrete, applicable knowledge. Then there’s another meaning of education that’s that’s [00:30:00] much older, that, sometimes we use it still in English when we talk about somebody.
A child who is educated a child which is it’s cultivated, it’s civilized, it’s mannered. And so that meaning of education has to do with the sort of human development of an individual. And those two meanings of education. HF coexisted in the university for a long time.
One of them is embodied in the research mission of the university and the professionalizing mission of the university, and one of them is embodied in the liberal arts tradition of the university today. The first of those meanings, the research professional applied meaning of education has largely overtaken the univers.
In some ways for good reason. The story of the modern university is the story of the triumph of science. We have unlocked such powerful technologies and such powerful capacities to master nature and to master the world. So there is [00:31:00] no, there’s no challenging the dominance of that way, of that notion of learning, of that notion of knowledge in the.
Yet we are still human beings and we are still caught in basic existential dilemmas that need to, that, that we need to confront rationally, humanely, and which are not examined, instrumentally. They’re not examined for the sake of something else, only for the sake. Greater clarity and engagement with those things themselves.
Beauty, justice happiness love. These are things that we, that constitute our own humanities our own human and which the humanities explore. Now, one thing that I should say is that sometimes those two missions of the university, Placed in a kind of zero sum game where if you go to university, you will either [00:32:00] get a liberal education, which means that you will end up a kind of maybe very refined and articulate and thoughtful individual, but have no skills with which to go get a job.
So a jobless, refined person, or you can go and study something very practical business engineering. computer science, in which case you may be a sort of, maybe not that interesting, a person to talk to, but you’ll be, you’ll have a good job and you’ll be well placed. Economically. These two should not, must not be offered as alternatives.
. The argument I make in the book and the, and the sort of institutional advocacy that I engage in is in embedding liberal education in all of the professional degrees. You want to be an engineer, but that engineering. Knowledge and skills should emerge from a liberal foundation in which you explore questions of humanity, questions that matter to you, whether you’re an engineer or a banker, or a computer programmer, if you [00:33:00] want to be a banker or a business person.
Similarly, that education should be rooted in a humanistic education. My, my sort of educational activism has to do with embedding the liberal. Education inside as the foundation of all of the degrees and all of the profess. Yeah, said. And what comes to mind? My mind as well, it’s you can’t be too strong on one hemisphere of the brain.
So for example people are chasing fame, people have fame, spend a lot of money on privacy. And then there’s people that want a lot of fame, that spend a lot of time to try to get that money, but they don’t understand that. What comes with that is, Fame and then no privacy. So it’s two extremes.
What I was really trying to basically say is people get outta balance. So getting back to what you’re talking about with education, you could be a triple PhD, broke no job, or you could have a great job with really no understanding of the foundational stuff in terms of, liberal education.
So what I really wanna say is what I was getting around to is the best students are the [00:34:00] lifelong learners that understand that education doesn’t stop. When you stop paying for an education at university or when you get a. Or when you have kids and have family, the greatest thinkers and teachers of the world are people like yourself and me who just have a thirst for knowledge and their continuous lifelong learners and understand that, you don’t have to have all the answers.
That’s number one. So drop dropping the ego and forced an education on people because their parents paid for it. You got a university with paid tuition, you gotta do this, you gotta do that, and you’re forced into learning. . And then when you get out, you realize that they don’t have to learn anymore.
And that’s really sad as well. Coming back to a society that doesn’t value continuous, lifelong learning, and even people getting into jobs where they’re, their knowledge is not valued. It’s literally just like a robot, do this job, hit that target. Come to work that time, leave then.
And then we don’t care about your classics, liberal arts guarantee, Sigmund Freud, whatever it is. Just be quiet. Just go sit in the corner. So that’s society, that’s culture that’s environment. But you know how important it is to teach [00:35:00] students to become, lifelong learners and give them a thirst for knowledge, not just give them the whole meal at university.
What’s your philosophy on that and how do you communicate that with students? That their time at university will end, but their education will not. I think you raise a really important set of issues and I, it’s something that I’d like people to who are listening to this, to walk away with away with.
So one thing I often tell my students on the first day of class is at the end of the semester, after we’ve spent, 15 weeks reading classics and grappling with philosophical debates and deep questions of humanity, I’m gonna give you a grade because I have to. If I were being really honest, the grade that I should give you is an incomplete and 20 years from now when you come for your alumni reunion, in this scenario, I’m still alive.
And to get with it in 20 years, we can have a conversation about what ha, how what happened in this classroom fed into the kind of life that you lived. And at that point [00:36:00] I might be able to give you a grade. At that point, I might be able to assess whether. benefited whether you got what I am trying to achieve in this class.
That is what liberal education does. Is it reorients you. There’s a line in Plato where Plato says, education isn’t what people think it is like putting knowledge into source that lack it. Education really assumes that people have division, have the site, but they’re not looking in the right.
And what education does it does is it turns them around and gets them to look in the right direction. That’s what liberal education does, and that raises this point, which is really, I want people to you, your listeners, to walk away with that liberal education is not something that needs to happen in a classroom.
While if you are going to have a university, education, university ought to, needs to make that central to the education. Really, this kind of education is something that you can pursue and should pursue wherever you are. Get together with friends. Read a good book, have a glass of wine and talk about it.
Have [00:37:00] a meal and talk about it. Look at a political debate and talk about it. Not in the partisan way, but a little bit above the fray. Look at a. Go to a park engage in the kind of reflection, open and honest inquiry and conversation with others who are different from you. That tries to get at the root, at the kernel, at the essence of your experience.
That is a liberal education, and that is something that is within the reach of all of us, and which we should all. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And one final thing that people don’t realize is how powerful tool, Facebook groups are, you could join a Facebook group on liberal arts, you could join a Facebook group on anything.
I just joined a Facebook group on, I met a lady and she does nlp. So I joined the NLP group. And you know what, you could jump on a YouTube channel. You can in interview amazing authors like yourself, Roosevelt, and talk deeply about a book. So you’ve got no excuse now, but you’ve just gotta get around those new.
And they change as well. So one click of a button and you could be in a new environment and start having new conversations as well. Spark [00:38:00] some curiosity and new thoughts as well. But one last question I wanna talk about and expand your experiences on is liberal arts across the world.
You, you’ve taught and in different countries like Latin America, China, and Israel as well advised. What’s your experience like there and how is it different from, the liberal arts in America? What experiences can you. It’s a very curious thing that is happening that while in America liberal arts is on the defensive and contracting in the rest of the world, it is actually in the offensive and expanding.
And part of what accounts for that is that people in China and Latin America in Asia are looking at the US and see their the most powerful and the most successful higher education. . And, why is that, why is it that America produces such innovative culture, such kind of a culture of invention?
How why are there so many Nobel prices? Why is there so much creativity? And one of the things that is beginning to dawn on on, on the rest of the [00:39:00] world is that the key to the Amer, to the success of the American Higher education system is its liberal arts. is the fact that in America, every bachelor’s degree contains a good hefty amount of courses that are not in your special, in specialization, that are not in your major.
That for the most part you become a professional. By going beyond your bachelor’s degree into graduate school, become a doctor in graduate school, a lawyer in graduate school, a businessman or woman, a journalist an architect. These specializations come in the postgraduate with a non professionalizing emphasis in the first four years of college.
And I think people are waking up to the fact that this broad foundation in humanistic learning actually is the key to the innovation. To the business success, to the technology, to the scientific breakthroughs that it is in fact the opening into those things. By grounding people in things that are not meant to be [00:40:00] applied or are not meant to be sort of money making.
Yeah. They’re foundational. These things are foundational. It’s they’re learning cooking. It’s foundational. You know what I mean? People don’t learn how to cook. They’ll eat shit food for the rest of their life. But people understand nutrition and, you can go on and on.
But Roosevelt, where can people find more about yourself? Where do you spend time online and where can people find the book and connect with you as well? Thank you. There’s a lot of stuff on YouTube and a lot of podcasts. And of course, faculty page on the Columbia website. You can get basic information.
What to find me. You can follow me on Twitter at Roosevelt montas or find me on Instagram and Facebook also. Same, my, my first name and last name is my handle. And the book, rescuing Socrates is published by Princeton University Press. It’s available at the presses website and of course at Amazon and other online and physical book.
Yeah. Thank you so much. And I just wanna congratulate you on your book and all the work you’ve done so far and all the work you’re gonna be doing as well. So yeah, I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. Congrats. And keep going. Will there be more books coming from you in the [00:41:00] future?
Thank you Michael. There will be more books for me in the future. I’m beginning to work on a book on American political culture and what it means to be American and what. underlying ideas in the American National Project. So expect that out in a few years. Cause I’ve just started.
Alright, I’ll sit tight and I’ll wait patiently. But yeah, thanks for being a guest on the Best Book Bits podcast. And to my audience out there, go follow Roosevelt, check out his books, he’s amazing. Get stuck into the liberal arts, humanities, the classics, and start educating yourself because it’s never too late to learn.
It doesn’t matter what age you are at your mind’s always ready for new stimuli information. So give it that stimulus. But I’ll let you get on with the rest of the day. So yeah, thanks for being a guest on the show
The Golden Ticket | ED ANDREW INTERVIEW 2023 | Master Your Life, Master Your Business
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[00:00:00] Best book Bits podcast brings you Ed Andrew, a successful entrepreneur who’s built four different companies on three different continents and grown to eight figure revenues. Author of the book, golden Ticket To Your Dream Job, host of the podcast, human Impact transformational Coach, business strategist, and really nice bloke.
Ed, thank you for being on the show. My pleasure, Michael. Thank you very much for inviting me. I’m looking forward to. . Great. Me too. As a fellow podcaster yourself, I know. How many episodes have you done so far? Just coming out for 150, I think. Yeah. Wow. I’ve listened to quite a few and really impactful as well.
Your story’s amazing. I want us, I want you to take me back on your journey as a a barrister in London in the mid nineties. How did your story unfold from there? Oh, here you go. Okay. I’m trying to, I’m trying to be brief for your. Benefit. So yeah, I always only ever wanted to be a lawyer.
In England, we have a two tier system, barrister, enlisters, the barrister, the specialist. We do a lot of the the litigation and the high level expert advice. Anyway, I always wanted to be a [00:01:00] barrister. I like debating probably, so I went off and did that. For a couple of years, I really enjoyed it.
It’s very much still in my dna. But I couldn’t do what I wanted to do. It was the, probably the first, so I’d spent my entire life until the age of, 24, pursuing one particular drink. Which was to be a barrister. I nearly went into the wine trade cause I really loved that as well. But anyway, I was, I advised by my grandparents.
That was a stupid thing to do. Bearing in mind you got a law degree. I dunno if it was or it wasn’t . Anyway, , we’ll go on from there. Anyways, the first time in my life I had to say, What am I gonna do with my life? This is the, I thought I would die age 90, still being wheeled into a court somewhere probably.
I was so passionate about it and and I decided I didn’t wanna do it anymore, simply because the one thing I wanted to do, I wasn’t able to do in that domain, which was arbitration. Mediation didn’t really exist, only 30 years. Tiny market. So I thought I’m not gonna be mediocre. I’m gonna go and do something else for my life.
And I had no idea what that was gonna be like. Many people, like how do [00:02:00] you change careers when you’ve only been focused on one? And so I went and spoke to as many people as I possibly could for about nine months. And obviously in the uk, being a young barrister has a lot of cudos, a lot of prestige.
We have the wig and the gown. Seen as being rather like a surgeon. We are well respected. And here I was I’ve just thrown that all away. What am I gonna do next? And it was all down to people. So I met this firm of head hunters in London, and they were ex-bankers.
They’re all very successful people like me. In fact, some of ’em more qualified than me. Marine biologists, all people who have done different things. The commonalities. We like people and we like research and we like inquisition and the higher level of head hunting those days than we were doing with investment banks and people making millions and millions of dollars a year.
It was about our ability to understand them and their drives and motivation also find out all their weaknesses. And so that natural style of interrogation, I guess as it was then led me into [00:03:00] that world. But these were most importantly, they were really good. and that’s what I was looking for. I wanted a home cuz Barris is a self-employed, right?
We do everything for ourselves. I wanted a home which was small, where we had that autonomy and independence. So anyway, that took me on that journey. I do that in the UK for a few years, but I had this my father had died and I just wanted to get out of England. It never really suited me. I felt that I, there was something else calling me in life.
the way I was raised in England, wasn’t gonna allow that to happen in my own mind. So anyway, went off to Australia, sold up a business. The day after nine 11, had my first client meeting in London where there were no planes flying, and my clients, we were talking about. Was everyone still alive because they had offices in New York.
Fortunately for them, they were, it’s so very surreal. I came to Australia knowing one person who I’d never met , but had a contact, right? I did, that was 21 years ago, landing in Sydney to sell up a business, which was a head-on business which I was very successful. We did that in over, 30, 40 [00:04:00] countries around the world.
I sold that 12 years. That market disappeared. So there’s another example of a business where incredibly successful for a period of time, but that market just no longer exists for what we were sending people around the world. It just, it’s a very different world now. So then what are you gonna go and do again?
And at that time I was very interested in technology and software and I thought, okay, I’ll build a marketplace a bit like a seek or a monster in those days. It’s hard to put people together, but using the inside of head hunting, so making more granular anyway, went off to London, built a SaaS company Lord of critical acclaim, no revenue.
So we closed it at enormous expense, was self-funded, so it was my cash. co-founder, who’s one of my oldest friends, came back to England came back to Australia with a very young family having taken them from Australia to the UK for two years. And what am I gonna do? So again, what am I gonna do with my life?
I’d always pursued passions and people. And I think one of the things about the tech companies, it wasn’t a people centric like we are a. [00:05:00] So we built software. I didn’t talk to people and actually probably what I enjoy most is resolving people’s problems at a face-to-face level. I don’t, solving them technically through software is probably not what I’m wired to do.
So it’s interesting, came back into the Sydney tech scene, got involved heavily in st in the tech startup world. Made some investments find out I had cancer six months later. So that was a really good one. Lose a lot of money and then get cancer’s just what you want when you’re 42.
So I put everything on hold. I filed all my clients and said need to, literally the day after, so I got the call from the doctor. It was something tiny. It was never gonna kill. . Mentally it was destructive, particularly having closed a business. My wife said, are you gonna be okay? I said, just give me tonight.
I just need tonight just to wire in my pity for a little bit. Next morning I got on the phone to my doctor and said how do I get rid of this? So I went down the path of Ave Medicine, Chinese energy Medicine, cuz Western Medicine wasn’t gonna do anything cause it’s too small. And basically I had to re-engineer how I thought about [00:06:00] life because I’d obviously inflicted this on myself.
incredible amounts of stress running a co company with a young family and all the rest of it goes with it and losing a lot of money. So then it was a question, I’ll only really wanna work with people I like. And a lot of people I worked with, I didn’t actually like that much or respect where they were going.
So I did, I’d consult it for a little bit in Sydney, and then my wife was a fashion designer. She wanted to grow a business. I thought I’m not sure what I want. You want a fashion business? I’ll grow the business. We went to Bali with our two young children. That’s the next move. Two years later for, for my health to, to heal.
Cuz Poly’s a beautiful place, spiritual place. And and to grow our business. Cause we had factories in China and India and Indonesia. And the fact, it’s one of the most fun things I’ve ever done, cuz I love going to factories, seeing how people work, talking to them, touching the fabrics, seeing, an idea to solution.
It was a, it was probably the most fun I’ve had in many of the businesses I’ve owned. Anyway, we made a decision like many people who own a business [00:07:00] together we’re either gonna stay married or we’re gonna have a business, but we’re not gonna have both. . So we opted to stay married. Put this down to my wife actually said to me a few years ago, she said, I really only wanted to do it myself.
She said, you didn’t know what you wanted to do, so you imposed your money and yourself and your will on me. And I actually, I did it cuz I knew you were struggling, but I didn’t really want you to do it. I wanted, this was for. . That was a bit of a shock when she revealed that. It’s okay.
She’s absolutely right. I didn’t know what I wanted, so I attached to some idea that I could be helpful and I loved it, it’s not what she wanted. Anyway, , we then came back to we went to France for a little bit. . Then we went to the uk, did some leadership consulting over there, which was quite fun.
And came back to Australia again about another two years later. I just went there, explored that. But my little one was at Chronic Asthma and it was, I, even though I’m English, I haven’t lived there for. 20, 20 years, Michael and my networks actually are not there. My networks are [00:08:00] here. So going there and trying to build a new business in the uk wasn’t easy to do.
And we found that Australia actually suited us better. And anyway, so we came back here again. What am I gonna do now? And led me to building this program and course and writing, which is, okay, I’ve got all this. , I’ve had to re-engineer my life. I’ve spent my entire life helping other people solve their problems.
And I was talking to a friend who was 20 years young. She said, ed, if you don’t share your knowledge, it’s completely useless. And I thought, okay, so the first thing I’m gonna do is I’m gonna write a book about how to land your dream job. Cuz I used to be in head hunting, but I haven’t been in that space.
You. 10 for a decade. So I thought I’ll write the book and be done with it. , no one will ask me the question again. But and it’s true cuz it’s quite technical. You’ve read it, it’s philosoph Phil’s philosophical, but it’s also quite technical if you really want to be the best applicant.
In the interview process and it holds through today. There are certain things you’ve gotta do, and if you don’t do ’em, it’s just [00:09:00] not going to happen for you. And it the things which most people don’t share because they don’t have that information. So I thought the head hunter and recruiters, they all have their own agenda because they want.
to get paid to put you into a job. They don’t care if you’ve got two or three other roles going on, it’s gonna unsettle them because their chance of getting paid is gonna be reduced and diminished, and therefore they’re gonna be less invested in you, or they might be too committed or over-committed and not necessarily tell you the full truth of what you’re getting yourself into.
So I wanted to lift the lid on the world. , this mysterious, mythical world of head hunting and also given insight into, you’ve gotta take control of your own life. Don’t give your con, don’t give control of your life to somebody else, which is what we do when you’re looking for a job. If you put in the hands of other people, you’ve really got to, you can get advice and guidance, but you’ve got to understand they have an agenda at.
Some of them are excellent, some of them are awful. And you’ve got to [00:10:00] understand who’s gonna be good and who’s gonna be bad and who’s gonna help you. So that was the, and I really enjoyed writing like I always used to write. I don’t you Michael, you’re a writer. You’re a writer, right? Yeah. One of the reasons I wrote my book, success in 50 Steps was to put an end to personal development.
Cause I researched it for over a decade, did 500 book summaries and that’s where Best Book Bits Spawn. But for me writing it was finishing the research on personal development and everything to do with success. And like you said, with head hunting, you wanted to put it behind you. I know ex when you said that, I know exactly what you mean by that as well.
But yeah. Lots to lots to unpack what you said. So barrister traveling, cancer, marriage, health, business, head hunting risk, chance, money. Such a journey and a life as well. I do have one question though. Why Australia? When you first moved to Australia, wh what was the reason one of those things?
So I was sitting in London and as I was thinking of setting up my first business, I thought, I’ve only done the very high level [00:11:00] executive search. We get paid a fortune to do this. I want to see the other one. I really wanna see the dirty side of it, the churn and the burn.
So I went and took a job with someone else for six months just to see this contingent site where, you know, they only get paid on success, whereas head on, you get paid regardless. You’ve gotta succeed, but you’re getting paid to do all the work. And there’s Australian girl and the lady who’s a, also a links lawyer, and she said, we are talking about what I want to do.
She said, no one does that in Australia. It’s never been done right in terms of what I want to do. So I thought, okay as I say, my father had died. I had some money in my pocket, I thought, and I was not happy at all. I was pretty miserable with life mainly because of that. But I didn’t know what I wanted to do.
My passion as about it had gone and head hunting was fun, but it wasn’t really, it wasn’t inspiring. . And so Whimsically I spoke to a couple of clients who were global law firms and I said, this is what my idea is. I said, sure we’ll, if you do it we’ll with you. So I literally got on a plane, booked a flight, came to Sydney
I’d always had a. An interest in being. My father always wanted to come [00:12:00] here. He spent some time here. My brother spent some time here, so like I, and I wanted to get as far away as I possibly could from England, to be quite honest, right? 10,000 miles is a lot of distance, . And I came here and I fell in love with it.
It’s just, it. I think for many people from the Northern Europe, it offers us the freedom, I think, at a spiritual level, even if we don’t necessarily know what that is. That we just never get there. Yeah. Thanks for sharing and we’ll go back and forward between your journey and your stories as well.
Just want to untie the things. So is it the human Consultancy business set was founded was the next business that you did. So then so when we came back five years ago. Yeah. The human consultancy was. Founded to solve many different problems and like business is a journey iteration, right? So what am I gonna do?
These are things and I had to map out, and this is what I teach now, right? Here are all the things which I’m good at. Here are the things which I’m good at and I’m interested in, and here are the things which I want to [00:13:00] learn more about. So if you look at. Book of personal development, right? Is that curiosity to continue to learn.
And I was in that hyper-growth phase, hence the podcast, right? Cause I wanted to learn from as many people and share and talk and also see where do I sit in the matrix of all of these con transformational coaches. People like Jack Anfield wrote Success Principles, chicken Soup for the. . And his co-author Mike Victor Hansen.
Now, where do, if I talk to them, where’s my knowledge base going to be against their knowledge base? And I discovered it was exactly the same. , right? This is that they’re weapons and marketing and I wasn’t. So the iteration was, I’ve always had, I like business. I’ve always been an entre. and I like people and I’ve had a very successful career in the world of careers and the recruitment and head.
So how do I take that knowledge and apply that to some that I can share and teach? And so there’s very, so the human consultancy was set up to do that. [00:14:00] But the reality with that is that if I was going into the corporate. that I think a brand such as the Human Consultants is a strong brand.
I remember said that the branding, the logo was very powerful, but I didn’t want to do that. I actually wanted to go and talk to you, Michael, or whoever it was, and that’s not in the corporate world. That is very much talking to business owners. So what I want to do is blend all of my knowledge of business with how do we change our life.
as you would’ve spoken to authors, public speakers, many people get to a certain stage of life and you might be 20 hitting that stage. You might be 40, 56, 70, 80, where you’re getting all this information. You’re not happy with where you’re at. So how do we change that dynamic? But also we need to earn money to support our life.
Like we can’t kid ourselves. I love, I, I’m gonna segue a little bit here. I love all the stories of these young women, mainly young women doing van life around the world. And the reason I. is because it shows courage and [00:15:00] freedom and autonomy. They’re just going to, they’re not necessarily sure what they want, all of them, but they’re going to chase a dream and they’re going to remove themselves from the convention of the world to chase that dream, and I think that’s very powerful.
They’re in between stages of life. So I’m gonna go and explore. And I think that’s such an important part of what we do and something that we miss. Hence, coming to Australia, going to Bali, going back and forth, is that constant process of exploration. So to answer your question, finally I decided I don’t need a brand.
I just need to. Like all of the major coaches or training businesses, like you’ve got even Marshall Goldsmith, you’ve got Marshall Goldsmith training, you’ve got Tony Robbins International, you’ve got Jack Canfield. Training is, it needs to be me, like it people are coming for the problem that I solve, but I’m the person who solves the problem.
Yeah, ab absolutely. We have a similar day to day business consulting, podcasting, reading, educating, sharing. It’s a beautiful thing and I get, I guess you [00:16:00] get to a point in life where I’m only starting the journey and I know you are trying to encapsulate the journey you’ve had, and you’ve had such a, an amazing couple of decades, so of working with businesses in crazy companies as well.
You advise, fortune 100 CEOs, world champion athletes, veteran startup founders, professional coaches business leaders and all that kind of stuff as well. What’s some trends that you see or what are some of the things that make these people in the top sort of 1% of their field, or what are some of the strategies or tactics that you help ’em out with, or some things that sort of my listeners can take away with?
So what are some of the common things that you see? It’s interesting. You can unpack, like there are podcast you can listen to unpack the top thousand leaders on the planet. There’s actually, there’s a guy who’s who I, and I don’t normally share other people’s podcasts. There was a guy called Corey Quer, you might have come across him in Canada.
He has this thing called Business live University. He’s interviewed, I think 7,000 people. And no, I’m not gonna plug it anyway. I’ll leave it. But the point is so you can go and unpick the the attributes of these highly qualified people at a technical. What I’m more [00:17:00] interested at is how do we unpack it at a human basis?
And when I look at all of them, the reason they’ve got to where they want to be is drive. Like they’re generally running to something or they’re running from something. They don’t necessarily know what that is. And this is the interesting part of where I get to work with them because in the case of the Fortune 50 ceo highly successful as a business leader.
However, his challenge was that he never built a network because people come to him. So he didn’t need to do this. I said, let’s unpack who the people are, and it was very few people, but he never had to ask for help because everyone was al always selling him something. So that was, developing a networks is very important.
Otherwise, in his case, when you lose your role, you’ve got. , right? So one of the, one of the I guess the criteria they’ve developed good networks, so they generally know how to [00:18:00] ask people for things. So there’s a lot of drive, but generally they’re also running from something. We look at, when I start to work with them, what is the generally unresolved trauma that’s led them to this incredibly powerful high charging life.
Like you look at. She, her clothes was a hessian sack. She never wanted to wear that sack again. So generally they’re driven by something they’re experienced in their childhood. What happens is that the mission they set, which is, I never wanna wear a hessian sack before. I never want to be abused again.
I never wanna see a, another alcoholic or, even though I’m incredibly smart, I never wanted to go and be a doctor. Actually, I wanted to be a painter. Like these things doesn’t really, it doesn’t have to be, when we say trauma, it doesn’t have to be. A higher level of abuse. It’s just that to them, they’re not getting what they want.
Their emotional needs are not filled, and so it drives them to move out of that, or, and generally they stay attached to it, so [00:19:00] the further they run from it, we have these principles in in what I teach, but it comes from Tibet and Buddhism called the Three Obstacles of Life, attachment aversion and lack of knowledge.
So we push away from the thing that we want to get. But in pushing away from that and not wanting to be part of that, we’re attached to the notion of that. And so we’re always held back by what we’re trying to run away from, and eventually it trips them up because they have these highly successful careers.
Which no longer fulfill them. They don’t understand why it, and it’s very frustrating. Why does this highly successful career no longer satisfy me? I’m wealthy, or whatever it may be. Because they haven’t set a new mission in life. They haven’t realized that the little boy or a little girl they’re running away from, they did a long time ago, but they never stopped.
And so now the passion and the energy is dissipated and they dunno how to. Yeah, it’s I like what you said, drive two people either drive into something [00:20:00] or they’re driving away from something as well. And trauma does. The un undisclosed or undiscovered trauma you might get to a stage later in life and you realize, hey, what you were running from is no longer chasing you, and you could have dropped that burden a long time ago as well.
Let’s touch on a little bit about your trauma and. Going through cancer and you’re basically changing your whole paradigm and your foundation as well. And, moving to to Bali. And I’ve heard you say once before that you went to see a shaman and he said your cancer was a mental thing, not a physical thing.
Do you wanna expand on that and tell us a little bit about how your life shifted? In an instant? Yeah. Just, I’ll answer, I’ll ask that, that last part first, is that in Chinese, They believe that prostate cancer, which is what I had and is an emotional illness. It’s not a physical illness.
In other words, it’s a blockage in our chakra system from our head, which is our logic center as men into our reproductive system. And so they believe that it’s a blockage and a blockage can [00:21:00] be removed. So that’s why they say you’re not sick. It’s just, you’re basically, you’re sick in the head, not in the physical body.
So we need to relieve it. Doesn’t mean it won’t it, it might, the cancers can kill you obviously, so you’ve still got to remove the blocks. So the interesting thing and is, I said in my twenties, I recognized that there was something greater than me in this universe. But, I was brought up English boarding school boy, very traditional childhood.
But I had exposure to some things we shouldn’t, like my grandmother was a she was an American philanthropist. She was, she was a Rockefeller Vanderbilt at one stage, so she’s married into the most, old school American families. But she had this very whimsical. , this fairy spirit.
And so you saw this, my grandfather was a neurologist. He was a professor at his own hospital, so he was very scientific. And then you had this very whimsical person. And I think what interested me is what else is going on out? That. [00:22:00] So in the my twenties in England, I started doing things like Tai Chi, just practicing.
And I started beginning to feel, not think, cuz I’d spent my life thinking, wow, there’s something pretty cool going on here. I’ve got no idea what it is, but I’m drawn to it. So going back to your question about Australia, I think I was naturally drawn here as well as it plays to. Emotionally grow, spiritually grow in whatever context that is.
Cause I’m not religious, never have been. But I’m curious. And I think from that perspective and that journey, when I had that diagnosis, I knew, okay , there’s a whole world out there which I can explore and I’m gonna do that. No, I’m not gonna wait a second longer. And Chinese, I had two businesses in India.
So Ave Medicine, I would go and get a massage from a healer. That’s their practice. So I’d always been immersed in, in, in Australia our proximity is to Asia, which is experiential. It’s not to America and Northern Europe, which is scientific. So I think we are naturally more.
To, there may be [00:23:00] something else slightly more powerful than us, and maybe we should dive into that a little bit more. Yeah, definitely. And I read that your diet change, raw vegan diet, reiki treatments, sun and meditation retreats, visualization of breaking down cancer cells, sending out white light.
Like you wouldn’t have done, correct me if I’m wrong, if you didn’t get the cancer, you wouldn’t have done any of this. I think that’s probably right. I think I suspect I would’ve done it. , I was always on that pathway, but I think that was the catalyst to, I need to really answer my true calling.
And if you want, if I was saying this to someone, a client say, this is what your soul’s looking for. Like we can trash our emotions every second of the day by using our analytical mind. But actually we need to sit and stop and say, what am I actually, what am I designed to do here?
What do I enjoy doing? And I think that’s the. And sometimes, adversity does, shake our foundations and make us move, sometimes we don’t need that major adversity in our life to change our foundation and change our life completely with a total 180 reversal as [00:24:00] well.
Are you still practicing those type of things as well? Like how have you incorporated sort of those into your lifestyle now? After I’d been seven years. Yeah. I have a daily meditation practice. Which should generally do first thing in the morning for about 20 minutes. And that’s a, it’s a breath work practice as well.
And the most important part of that meditation practice for me is to calibrate where I’m at. And this is part of what I train people as well, is energy. Like everything we do is end. Is based on energy, money’s energy. We as cellular human beings, an animal is all energy based, right? If we have low energy, we’re gonna be in a bad mood.
We have high energy. We’re gonna have be excessive high mood. If you’re go and take caffeine and alcohol and drugs, you’re gonna have a full sense of a high mood. So everything’s rated to energy. So one of the things that helps me to do is say, okay you wake up in the morning, you think I’m good.
Sit and meditate now. Oh no, I can feel there’s some tension. I’m anxious about something today, or something’s disturbed me, and I have to then hook into that and let that go so that I can get a better quality of day. And this is one of the things [00:25:00] I share with people as well when I work with them, is that to understand their, to calibrate this level of energy.
Because if you’re going to go into, say the typical example, I’ll make it very quick, is, you wake up seven o’clock on Monday morning and you feel, yeah, I’m good, and you get. and if you’re commuting, so you get on a train or a bus and someone coughs in your face and he goes, so he puts you in a bad space.
You open, go to work, you open your laptop. Nine o’clock, you get a message on the bus, which came in on Friday saying, where’s the report? You’ve file some horrible message back and your day’s unraveling already, right? ? I’m sure everyone’s been there. Whereas, and then, you, it unravels. The boss explains, I was just asking where it is.
I wasn’t having a go at you. It’s just a question like, there’s no blame attached. Just let me know what’s going on. . So of course then you go home at the end of the day and you have an argument with your boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, wife, whoever. It happens to be your friend. If you do this little exercise, what you realize is the reason you’re actually the whole day started like that is because say, [00:26:00] you, you were exhausted over the weekend.
You did something for a friend at the end of last week, or you went to an event. where you are already exhausted so you depleted yourself even more. You didn’t recharge cuz you went and had a really busy weekend. So here you are, you’ve had no sleep, you’re stressed, you’re anxious. Your body is telling you, we are not feeling good today.
But you haven’t listened to it, right? You haven’t tapped into it. So this little meditation breathwork exercise makes you, I realize, okay, I’m not feeling good, so what am I gonna do about that? I might do 10 minutes of yoga. I might go for a walk. I’m gonna do something to change the way I feel.
so that my mood state becomes six out of 10, not below five, so that when I do get on that train or that bus and I see that person coughing, I’m gonna walk into a different carriage. I’m gonna stand further away. And when I get that email from the boss, I’m just gonna pick up the boss and pick, make a phone.
Make a phone call and say, what’s going on? What do you need? Otherwise, I’m gonna react completely differently to the way I would’ve done if I hadn’t done that exercise in the.[00:27:00]
Yes, so the app is, that’s not my app, that’s actually an Aussie guy called Christopher Plowman who’s been on my show. But it is a, it’s a meditation app. Those courses are on there. There’s some training on there. And that’s a beautiful app cause it’s free. And me and my family for years have listened to meditations before we go to sleep.
One thing that I’ve heard you say before, and I think exactly what you’re talking about then to people understand the point was you’re talking about getting yourself in a heart instead of a mindset. Because what happens is we walk around unconsciously, mentally, in, in the minds. So we’re so busy, social media, this, that and the other.
We’re always thinking. , but getting yourself connected with your body and getting yourself in a heart set, and it’s instead of reacting through the day, you’re responding during the day. I think that’s so important and we are missing that, that connection to our body. So slowing down, having the meditation or whatever your process is, but just connecting, breath work what, doesn’t matter what the process is, just connect this to the [00:28:00] heart and then you’ll have a better day instead of just going unconsciously.
In the mind all day anyway, that you can expand on that if you like. But yeah, I’ve heard you talk about heartset before. Yeah. Heartset, that’s exactly right. And if you look at as I say, coming from Australia, we look at the experiential side. But a lot of people nowadays in the western world, they want science, they want facts.
So neuroscience now helps us prove with people like George Dispenser and Guyer and these apps like that, exactly how this works. And there, there are 10,000 chemical markers in your heart, which your brain cannot access unless your heart is. . So when you breathe through your heart and you feel gratitude and you feel love and kindness and empathy, these chemical markers are released.
You can’t do that by thinking, so the whole process of neuroscience is how do we, so when people will say to you, I feel stark or frozen or lost, or I can’t think straight it’s because their prefrontal cortex is basically shutting them down saying, we’re not gonna allow you to do anything cuz your body’s exhausted.
And that’s very frustra. . So we have to, as you [00:29:00] say, Michael, slow down in order to start connecting and reconnecting with the heart. To get into a place is called a place called coherence, where our mind and our heart is coherent with each other. So I would describe it as a human operating system.
We’ve been programmed to only turn the laptop on, right? And that’s it. To do everything in our life. So imagine your laptop does everything for you, which is of course our brain, our logical, our analytical thinking. It because that’s what pays the bills, because that’s what the value is. Dollar equals thought.
And we’ve lost this animalistic instinct to feel, I think. Jeff Bezos says his greatest decisions come from a place of instinct, not analysis. And intuition. Yeah. And it’s something that we need to tap into as well and take chances and bets on ourselves because your body knows more than sometimes your brain knows.
So the intuition is a real thing. They say your gut is your second brain, but I think your [00:30:00] heart is your number one. Your apparently isn’t. The heart gives that a strongest single than the brain or something like that. On an electromagnetic basis, I’ll have to go and look. But yes, on a vi, we give off a vibrational frequency, right?
And when we don’t connect with our heart, our frequency is gonna be much lower than it is when we’re feeling in an upper mood state. We’re feeling a, a natural euphoria. And so the whole premise of this is that we want to go through life in a place of homeostasis, which means harmony if we are balanced.
between heart and mind. The chemical and our body is balanced. With the right oxygen, hydration, nutrition, then we have a better chance of living a happy longer life. We don’t get extremes. So when you see people celebrate and they do the ex, celebrate the big rah, and they go off in a bender for days, there’s a natural crash that comes with that celebration is.
But also means that when we have, really crisis in our life, we don’t go into a state of depression as [00:31:00] a result because we’re experiencing the extreme low. We want to stay place where when things hit us, we can manage them easily and move on. Even, the most extreme levels of grief. And there’s lots of research into this as well, and we’re gonna have time for that.
But there’s a lot of research into supervisors, which is based around proximity of time to getting help and experiencing g. in terms of accelerating the recovery journey. So all of these as you rightly say, these are fundamental, but we can’t go into a corporation and teach how to connect to your heart.
There are businesses which do that. They want to know, how do my perform at my peak? The reality is you’re not gonna perform your peak if you’re only using your brain. And you have to understand that why won’t I only perform. . If I’m just sitting at my desk bashing away on a computer all day long because there’s no connection and there’s no observation, you’re not, you’re gonna miss the opportunity that flies in front of you.
You’re gonna miss the red flag that pops up and go something’s wrong and something’s off with [00:32:00] this because you’re gonna ignore it. Because the, you’re told to keep going. It is actually not using this human operating system efficiently at all. Yeah, it’s, we get so. We waste our time in quantity sometimes.
It’s all about quantity, numbers, output, never really about quality. And I was listening to a podcast recently with David Goggins and they talked about his morning routine and he spends like six hours on the body stretching all this kind of stuff. And the person said when, where do you find time for business?
And he said, you gotta cap success. And it was just like, you gotta cap it. And at the end of the day, you got the three buckets. Health, wealth, relationships, you gotta. , some people burn themselves out because they’re trying so much and they’re trying to do so much, but they’re never really putting the quality work in.
There’re always trying to put the quantity in there as well. Really just interesting stuff. But I wanna switch gears a little bit and get a little bit selfish and talk about tech startups and entrepreneurs. I know you’re into that as well. I’m involved in a tech startup at the moment, which is very exciting.
Hopefully [00:33:00] it’ll be a unicorn business in seven years. And, reading the. Billion dollar apps, and I’ve been through startup values as well. What are some of the reasons why startups fail, but what are some of the traits of why startups succeed as well, and what are things that you look for in the founders and or trends?
So just an oddball question, but let’s talk about tech startups. . I got 60 seconds to answer that one. Yeah, good one. Okay. First of all, as we all know, we don’t really look at product. We look. It’s something I learned very much, very early days as an investor and as an investee. They’re the product’s interesting, but they really want the people.
If you’ve got a if you’ve got a really good cohesive team that is able to be coached, that is far more valuable than a product, right? So that’s the first thing for startup founders. In terms of you, this goes right back to the point. Red flags, intuition, you’ve got to be absolutely on the ball the entire time with what’s going on.
I was helping a business which had a $1 billion valuation and they had a, just they was [00:34:00] having a conversation about it and they said, can you help? I said sure, what’s the problem? Was the problem with their raising money? Cuz they had a dispute amongst the shoulders and said where’s your documentation?
We don’t have any, how many shoulders you got? 30. So you’ve got 32 shareholders who are all at war and you’ve got no documentation trying to raise 50 million. You’re not gonna do it because they got Slack. They got so excited by the idea of this vision, and they had a contract. You It, the business was legitimate and a really good cause.
They just got really slack. And these were highly experienced business owners, entrepreneurs. They weren’t coming from the corporate world. They were highly experienced because they got so excited, they forgot the document. . Like when I see a new technology, you’ve got a high, got a high growth tech company.
The first thing I do goes back to my legal days is I want to go and see the IP agreements because you might not have any technology. I was advising a company last week and I said show me the moral rights clause in your contracts. They don’t have any. Moral rights clause for the audience [00:35:00] means that when you work for somebody else, you give away your intellectual property to that organization.
So if you work for Google and you invent, goo Google number three, that’s owned by them, not you, , right? But if you don’t have that clause in your contract you’re stuffed, right? Because they get it. So the first things I do is look. the technical. So the people like, can I work with these people?
Are they open to being coached? Are they open to advice? What’s their technical level of integrity? Are they sloppy or are they really good at it? Do they really understand what the me it means to lay the foundations of a business? Then we look particularly in, in tech world, is we have to look at product market.
So that obviously has to go hand in hand, but one of the biggest failure. Of high growth tech companies is they’re so obsessed by product. They don’t understand marketing or sales, particularly if the owners are engineers and they’re product obsessed because they don’t understand it. Iterate cuz they iterate and they over iterate constantly, right?
Is [00:36:00] get the product into the market, find a customer, make your first dollar of sale, and make your first dollar of profit. Then you have a. When you make your first dollar profit. Until then, it’s just an idea. It’s a concept. Doesn’t mean it, but I know it took Bezos 10 years I think, to make Amazon profitable.
But he had, the business was generating cash. It just wasn’t generating any profit because the amount of debt and everything else and the systems and he was expanding rapidly, but he had a lot of cash to enable him to do that. Most startups have cash poor, right? So they burn a huge amount of money on product iteration cuz they’re scared of putting the product to market.
I was, , oh, one of my podcast guests, and he came on to explain how, why the business fell over and he had 800,000 subscribers in the app store, 80 million visits on it. He was the darling of Apple In the world of meditation. I get highly commercial, highly critically successful. They took their eye off the ball on.
they knew it wasn’t generated. It was a free premium [00:37:00] service. They knew it wasn’t there. They kept building. They had this incredible audience, but they couldn’t sell it to anybody. Shut it. That’s a big failure. And it’s because they didn’t lean in to where the business wasn’t working.
I spoke to a lot of people that say spend 90% of the time on where the business is failing, not 90% of the time where the businesses winning and you’ll grow and succeed. So it’s yeah, it’s a tough world tech startups and it’s very exciting. That’s what we see a lot of. It’s and even at the unicorn level, Michael, I had, there’s a lovely lady who came on the show who had.
A what was an eSports business? Fank it was the biggest eSports business in the States, and it was bought by Patty Power. And I think the price was over a, it was a billion dollar business. They haven’t received a dollar. , you think, how do these incredibly smart people who’ve created the biggest eSport bus eSports business on the planet not receive a dollar because the paperwork went against them.
So basically the new owner devalued the business and the earner and got reduced to [00:38:00] zero. In a nutshell, you people can go and listen to it. So here you have the other end of the scale where you’ve got your unicorn, but the founders end up with nothing. How is so possible? Law contracts, documentation.
So they, they did all this work, but they got screwed. They got screwed by the vc. Yeah. And it happens all the, look it’s, this is relating the story, but effectively they got screwed by the VC apparently, and it happens a lot. So again, this goes back to, so the, what I teach now is this program called Reclaim, and it’s part of the other program I have, which is the Business of Life, which if you wanna go and do this before you even.
Putting a dollar or a thought into it, you really need to understand how this system works cuz it’s designed to protect you. It’s designed to allow you to work 17 hour days. It’s designed to tell you I’ve had enough 17 hour days, I need to sleep, it’s designed to pick up on, I don’t need to do that.
Deal with that person cuz it’s off, right? [00:39:00] It’s designed to protect you and it’s designed to give you as much wealth and abundance. As you possibly need, because when your system works right in harmony with each other, what happens? You can manifest just like that. Opportunities will come straight into you and you’ll know whether they’re right or they’re wrong.
But if you don’t do that, your mind, your brain will allow you to create. But you’re gonna miss so many different things. You’re gonna miss so many red flags. Your idea may even. The wrong idea at the beginning because you’re so obsessed with it. So what I say to them now is, like you were talking about when they fall off the cliff we wanna get them to fall off their cliff, but we also want to teach the young ones.
This is what you need to know before you say you wanna run, own a business. Great. Learn this before you learn the business, because then you’ll have a much better chance of success when you. Yes. And it’s all about having those micro failures and those wheels coming off early in your life.
[00:40:00] So the later the later in life that they don’t fall off when things get really serious as well. Yeah, I I think there’s a lot of research into older stage older entrepreneurs tend to be really good because they have tended to have loss of failures, but. Entrepreneurs coming out of the corporate world have a lot of failures as well, because they follow corporate principles that don’t follow lean principles or startup principles.
So that’s a big thing says this cuz you’ve got a guy who’s come out of what man? Or a woman who’s come out of, news Core or Google or Atlassian. and only had a corporate career, last, they’re gonna be short anyway if they come outta it last anyway. But the point is don’t believe they’re gonna make a good founder.
Because if they’ve only been used to enterprise level architecture and enterprise level systems, they don’t know how to sell a widget to a human being on the street. They’ve got no idea. But the failures, if they’ve had lots of them, those micro failures and failure’s not even a word that we want to use in investment terms anymore because it’s just a human experience.
Put it down to an experie. You’ve got to, the whole process of iteration is [00:41:00] 80% failure , right? Or is it even 90%? Is he say, Michael. So if you don’t allow that to happen and you can’t allow that to happen, if you’re obsessed only with success, . Yeah, absolutely. And there’s so much more to unpack about this and we can have conversations offline about technical things on this, but yeah.
Thank you for unpacking and sharing that as well. Where can people find more about yourself and where do spend most of the time socially? I know you’ve got the podcast through there, but where can people find you? The best price to find is through my website, which is just head andrew.com.
I’m gonna be creating more. I’m not a huge social media player. I’m a consumer of it, but I need to put more out there. So I have Instagram. I probably, out of all the channels, I probably hang out on Instagram more than anywhere else. And that’s just Ed, Andrew, and YouTube is going to have to grow because as we discussed earlier, we need to get good at marketing.
Here’s the thing on that, you can grow highly [00:42:00] successful businesses without enormous social media followings. It just depends on where your client is. And how you want to get them. You can do it organically or you can do it with money, I’ve got a friend who sold a 70 million business.
He didn’t have even have any social media accounts. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. The sometimes people forget that the online business is not always cracked up to what it be. It’s hard work like the offline business is. Sometimes more profitable than new online business. Kids these days forget about brick and mortar stores and brick and mortar businesses and old school businesses and they just keep thinking about the new stuff as well.
But yeah, we could go on and on forever. I do apologize we didn’t even get deep into the book as well about the recruitment industry. Explain head hunting being in the top 1%. Rodney, your killer resume. You had all these notes. For it. We can save that for a later date. I know you’re working on a, another book that will come out later in the track, so we’ll definitely have you on to my audience out there.
Yeah, go check out Ed his podcast as well. He’s got some amazing guest and stuff on there as well. And you’ve got a lot of programs on your websites too certified Transformational [00:43:00] Life Coach. What other programs have you got through there as well? Oh yeah I changed it in between. I spoken today, so
Yeah, I might have caught you up. Oh my God. . So basically the, Yeah main program, the Business of Life is what we’ve been talking about. So whether you’re a ceo, whether you’re a entrepreneur, it’s mainly for business owners, but obviously executives and people starting their journey.
And it’s to teach them exactly what we’ve been talking about today. So how do we prepare ourselves, the battle, which lies they have. Because everybody, even these wonderful people who are love in doing their van life. They’ve still got to pay to put fuel in the van. They’ve still gotta pay for their insurance.
They’ve still gotta put food on the table, right? So the concept is how do we build the life that we want to lead and the person we want to be, and then layer into business, which supports that, not the. Correct. Not the other way around. Yeah. That’s this notion of reclaim, which is the business we need to reclaim our life and [00:44:00] then build everything which pays for our life around that, not the other way around.
And then the transformational coach is where I certify and train people in the art of what. . So I have clients who’ve come through the program, they’ve come out the other side. They’ve, they’ve, their business has gone through the roof and it’s okay, the business is making a lot of money, but what I really want to do is help people like you.
So right now I can certify you in that process, but just before we wrap up, when you talked about bricks and mortar as well my, me and my wife created a a bricks and mortar store for our girls who are 12 and 13. So it’s their business. It’s called a Secret Life of Sweets which won’t mean anything to anyone outside of Australia.
But basically they have an online lolli store and we go to the markets. That’s awesome. So tomorrow I’ll be going to Y Mundi Markets, which is the biggest markets in Australia, up here in outside new. So they get about 1.5 million people a year, and I will be there at six o’clock in the morning setting up on my Saturday [00:45:00] morning because they’re excited about learning about the value of the money.
They also have horses and we say, Can you pay for your own horses? Let’s see if you can actually have a business which pays for your own horses. So it’s bricks and mortar yeah, and I’ve always wanted to have a cash generative business, so you know, it’s fun. It might not be fun for a long time, but the moment.
We gotta teach, you gotta teach the kids to take over the businesses so then you can relax even more and get those 17 hour days down to a couple hours, which you’re probably doing. I don’t do many. And when I don’t do a lot the next day. We you do the same, Michael, you’ve got five businesses to run.
We know when you need to put the drive in and other times where you can go, I’m just going to the beach for the afternoon because I’m not . Yeah, abs, absolutely. I’m getting to that stage of stop working 17 hours and really putting the things into place. But yeah, I’m sure we’ll have some great conversations offline, but tomorrow’s out there.
Check out Andrew’s got some great stuff out there and some, 150 episodes on your podcast. As well. So definitely subscribe to the podcast and I might be able to give some tips on some YouTube going forward. But [00:46:00] yeah, thanks for being a guest on the Best Book Bits podcast and we’ll speak very shortly.
So have a great day and enjoy the nooses weather today. I’m sure it’ll be lovely up there. Thank you very much, Michael. It’s a pleasure to talk to you always. No problems at all. All right, speak to you soon. All right, bye.
About Ed Andrew Every single individual has patterns and behaviour that hold them back. Ed Andrew, podcaster, author and international coach, is here to guide you in your new journey, Ed has helped over 19,000 people in 40 countries transform their business, work and life, and coaching through their transformation for greater fulfilment, wealth and profit reaching their peak potential and living on purpose. As a successful entrepreneur Ed has built 4 different companies on 3 continents and grown to 8 figure revenue. Through expert advice and proactive coaching, you’ll soon be exploring new paths and thriving in a way that you have always wanted. If you are committed to investing in yourself then Book a free discovery call today to find the change you’ve been seeking.
THE POWER OF ONE MORE by Ed Mylett | FULL SUMMARY
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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The Power of One More – The Ultimate Guide to Happiness and Success by Ed Mylett
Introduction
THE POWER OF ONE MORE IS THE CULMINATION OF A PHILOSOPHY I’ve been developing for more than 30 years.
At its core, The Power of One More is about your willingness to do one more rep, make one more phone call, get up one hour earlier, build one more relationship, or do one more thing for whatever your situation calls for.
You can find your best life by doing “one more” than the world expects from you.
I wrote The Power of One More to transform your life by adopting strategies I’ve successfully used time and time again. By living a One More life, you can completely change your relationships, finances, emotions, the way you do business, your outlook on life, and more.
You were not born to be average or ordinary. You were born to do something great with your life.
I know this about you.
The Power of One More is a dynamic contract between us. It’s an important exchange of ideas and knowledge. Depending on who you are, what I’m about to teach you will impact each one of you differently. By changing how you think and act, you’ll find answers in those areas of life that matter most to you.
The beauty of all this is that, most times, the answers are relatively simple.
But for whatever reasons, you may not have been able to see them or resolve them on your own. Figuring out where to begin can feel daunting. Most people are under the impression there are a thousand different things they must do to change their lives. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I’ve learned, and you will too, that one more thing is often all it takes. And frequently, it’s only one more step away from where you are now.
Begin with ONE MORE.
You’re a lot closer to changing your life than you think. You’re one more meeting, one more relationship, one more decision, one more action, or one more thought from leading the life you deserve. The Power of One More challenges you to become hyper‐focused and addicted to searching for the “one mores” in your life. The more you begin to see them and then execute the actions to realize them, the more your life will change.
The individual thoughts and actions you take don’t need to be profound. However, when you compound these small thoughts and actions and stack them up on top of each other, the resulting changes over time are profound.
I’ll teach you to keep promises to yourself, creating an internal belief system that you are destined for a better life than what you have now. When you implement One More strategies, you live by a set of principles above and beyond those of most other people.
This is not just a “how to succeed in business” or a “how to succeed in your relationships” book, although, for some, it will be. For most of you, this book will have several applications. That’s why you should think of this as a “how to succeed in your life” book. Your challenge is to take these strategies and apply them to the areas of your life that matter to you.
There are no wasted words on these pages, but some parts of this book will connect with you more than others. Certain principles will challenge your ways of thinking, beliefs, and values. And several will land on you like a ton of bricks and change your life forever. I’ve purposely designed these strategies to be universal as well. You’re going to read about principles that apply to all people in every area of life.
You can take lessons from each chapter whether you’re a world‐class athlete, a CEO, a rapidly rising star in the business world, a parent, or still in college. Some of you will use this book to transform your life completely. Others will focus on insights to enhance specific parts of your life that are lacking or troublesome.
I’m confident The Power of One More will resonate with you because, in many ways, I’m just like you. I’m not the person now that I was when I first started on my own transformational journey. Like you, I struggled at times. I get what it’s like to worry about money, relationships, and my purpose in life. I know what it’s like to lack confidence, fall into a slump, and wonder if I’ll ever feel happy. I’ve been beyond poor, to the point I couldn’t even pay the water bill in an apartment where my wife and I once lived.
I’ve faced health problems.
I’ve lost people close to me.
And over the years, I’ve battled doubt, frustration, fear, and anxiety.
I’ve lived with not having the answers. Even worse, I’ve also been in places where I didn’t know what paths to take to find the answers I so desperately sought.
For those of you who have lived in a stressful or dysfunctional family, I also know what that’s like. Later in this book, I’m going to tell you about the personal challenges I faced being raised by an alcoholic father who was also my hero, and how that impacted my self‐esteem.
In fact, one of the reasons I’ve become so proficient at learning how to grow is because I had such a far place from which to come. The truth is, I needed to learn how to grow so I could simply function to reach a baseline.
The good coming from all of this is that it reinforced my belief people can dramatically change their lives. I saw it firsthand from watching how much my father changed over the years.
I also wrote The Power of One More because after years and years of struggling, and trial and error, I learned what it takes to succeed in life. I’ve paid a price, but I now know what many of the answers are and what it takes to win.
Along the way, I’ve also watched good friends and business associates chase what they think is fun at the expense of winning. Sadly, they become distracted and lose sight of just how good winning feels. Then they spend a lot more time and energy trying to get to a place they could have been already.
When I first started out, I often set fun aside in favor of winning. The ironic thing is, it didn’t take long before I figured out that winning is fun. In fact, one of the quotes I’m best known for is, “Winning is more fun than fun is fun.”
I’ve been living by these principles for 30 years, applying what I’ve learned to design my best life. My goal for The Power of One More is to help you identify your talents, gifts, and abilities, then maximize them for your own greater good and for the people around you.
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
Download the PDF Summary here
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Many self‐improvement and performance books I read say the same thing over and over. I don’t know about you, but I lose interest after a couple of chapters. I purposely set out to make The Power of One More different in that respect. The strategies and philosophies I’m going to share with you are unique unto themselves.
The Power of One More teaches you to combine your gifts with directed, intentional thoughts and focused actions. That gives you the resources you need to produce the standards, goals, and outcomes you deserve. Every one of the principles I share in these pages has worked for me beyond my wildest dreams. I’m also humbled and aware that I’ve been gifted with a certain amount of luck and God’s blessings.
You have your own version of these same gifts as well. But, like me, you also need to put in the work and keep an open mind when it comes to making changes in your life. In many cases, those changes won’t be easy at first. In fact, the more worthy a goal and the more changes you go through to reach it, the more resistance you’ll encounter. Expect that—plan for it. When you put yourself in the right frame of mind and you’re mentally tough, you’ll succeed more often than you otherwise would.
The Power of One More is the product of years upon years of how I have lived, grown, and changed my life to produce wealth, happiness, and meaningful relationships with people I care about deeply. I want to share the lessons I’ve learned with you so that you can lead your best life, too.
Approach The Power of One More like a key that will unlock your mind, and you may be surprised how one more thought and one more action will change your life forever.
Remember, we’re a lot alike, you and me.
If I can do it, you can too.
1 One More Identity
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. —Andy Warhol
IN MANY WAYS, RESHAPING YOUR IDENTITY IS THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL CONCEPT of what it means to be a One More thinker and doer.
Your identity is a powerful and influential driver that governs outcomes in all parts of your life. Identity defines the limits of your success, finances, and achievements. It controls the quality of your emotions, relationships, and self‐worth.
What exactly is identity? I define it as the thoughts, concepts, and beliefs we hold as the most genuine parts of our inner being. You can put on a face or act a certain way for the rest of the world, but you can’t lie to yourself when it comes to these things. Deep inside, you know what’s true about you.
Put another way, identity is this: What we perceive about ourselves is what we believe about ourselves.
Here’s the paradox about identity. Many people know they could improve their lives significantly if they changed their identity. However, many people aren’t willing to take the necessary steps, even when it’s in their own best interests.
Are you willing to sacrifice who you are for who you could be? The answer should be a resounding “Yes!” That’s a logical conclusion and sounds obvious, so it’s a mystery why lots of people struggle with this fundamental question. You weren’t put on this Earth to be a bump on a log, or a lump of coal in the ground. Your mission is to keep growing, expanding, and learning to lead a full and happy life. When you do these things, your identity will change.
Identity is so important because it unlocks so many other amazing things in your life. When you create a One More identity, you give yourself the gift of taking control by dictating internal messages instead of being governed by external forces that have been undermining your happiness, possibly since the day you were born.
Your Identity Is Shaped Early in Childhood
As a child, you were a blank canvas. You were impressionable, happy, and accepting.
You had no reason to believe the external world was out to hurt you in any way. Gradually, you learned to function in the world based on what you were taught by your parents, family members, friends, teachers, and others with whom you came in contact.
Of course, many people were well intentioned. However, that doesn’t mean what they taught you was always right. The fact is, nobody is ever always right. As a child, you accepted much of what you were told, right or wrong. Your identity became the good and the bad parts of how other people influenced you. The unfortunate thing is that you were defenseless. Your critical thinking skills did not exist to give you the tools you needed to survive in the world.
As you grew older, you began to confirm your identity. If someone said you weren’t a good student or a lousy athlete, that became a part of your identity. You still didn’t have the capacity to disavow what you were being told. You grew into adulthood, and you carried with you these beliefs about yourself. Your identity had taken root. Your limitations became a part of you, and because they were so ingrained, you weren’t even sure where they came from.
That’s a lot of baggage to lug around, isn’t it?
By the time you were old enough and able to question your identity, you were living with the identity you had adopted at a time when you didn’t have a choice. Of course, this assumes you’re even aware of how your identity impacts you. Many people simply go through life, screwed up and unsuccessful, and never quite knowing why.
However, as a One More thinker, you are now aware, and you can change your identity once you become intentional about it. Here’s how.
Adjusting Your Identity Thermostat
I’ve touched briefly on your identity thermostat in the past, but now I want to give you more details on how this concept can work on your behalf. Your identity is the force that governs your life and regulates your results. Think of it like a thermostat. Your internal thermostat sets the conditions of your life.
You walk into a room, and if it’s too hot or too cold, you look for a thermostat to adjust the temperature to what you like. It doesn’t matter what the external conditions are. The temperature can be 100 degrees outside, but if the thermostat is set for 75 degrees, it kicks on, and the air conditioning cools down the temperature and regulates the environment. The same applies when it’s 30 degrees outside. The thermostat kicks in and warms your surroundings to 75 degrees.
Your life works exactly the same way. If you’re a 75‐degree person, you turn on the air conditioners of your life and cool it back down to what you think you’re worth. This is what happens every time your results begin to exceed your identity. You unconsciously turn on the air conditioners of your life and cool it back down to what you believe you deserve.
Much like a thermostat, your identity regulates your internal self‐ worth. It regulates your actions and results. Many people are under the false assumption that external factors are what regulates your thermostat. They believe that getting a promotion, getting married to the love of your life, or getting an advanced degree from college determines their identity. If you don’t raise your identity, then eventually you will turn the air conditioning of your life on sooner or later, and that temperature will drop back down to 75 degrees, or some other setting you don’t want, simply because you didn’t take charge and decide what identity you wanted. However, if your thermostat is set the right way, it will transcend conditions and you will find success no matter what the external conditions are.
The truth is that you can acquire all the talents, skills, and abilities you want, but until they align with your identity, you’ll fall short of the goals you’ve set. That applies across the board.
For example, think about your fitness identity. Let’s suppose you lost 20 pounds at one time in your life. Despite being armed with the best weight‐ loss recipes or workout regimens, a year later, you added all that weight back on and you’re right where you started. That’s because, when your fitness identity thermostat is set at 75 degrees, it means you’re comfortable carrying 20 extra pounds, and try as you might, you’ll always drift back to that 75‐degree setting.
You can take all the right actions with diet and exercise, but if your internal thermostat is not set for success and remains at 75 degrees, eventually you’ll drift back to your old thermostat setting by eating the wrong food or falling out of a solid workout regimen. You’ll use external circumstances to find ways to cool you back down to what your internal circumstances believe you’re worth.
Here’s another example. Maybe you’re doing well financially, but you can’t seem to get to that next level of wealth you think you deserve. You may want $10 million in the bank. However, until you turn up your thermostat to believe your identity is worth $10 million, even if you make that much money, your thermostat will eventually cool you off to what your identity believes you are worth. It may take a few years, but eventually, unless you change that internal thermostat, you’ll start to experience financial setbacks. Chances are these types of situations and many others are something you’ve experienced.
There’s no shortage of information, coaching, or paths to success in any part of your life. So it follows, the barriers to success are found inside of you. That is why you can do all the right things and still not get the results you wanted.
Remember this key point! Unconsciously, we always find a way to get back to where our thermostat is set based on what we think we’re worth.
Simply put, you can’t achieve 100 degrees of fitness or wealth with a thermostat set for 75 degrees of fitness or wealth. Your thermostat boxes you in until you can create a new identity that triggers growth and change. This isn’t to say that you can’t achieve success, because you will in many cases. However, unless you adjust your identity, down the road, your thermostat will bring you back to where your identity is set.
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
Download the PDF Summary here
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Typically, most people blame external forces when this happens. Do these examples sound familiar?
I tweaked my back and couldn’t work out for eight weeks, and then I lost interest in getting fit.
The economy turned, and I lost a ton of money in the stock market, so I gave up on my dream of being worth $10 million.
If your thermostat isn’t set high enough, you’ll see these as coincidences, karma, or bad luck that conspired against you. But that’s not what they are. If your thermostat is set high enough, these are little more than temporary setbacks.
However, the difference between you as a One More person and everyone else is that you will view these as speedbumps on the road to your goals. You won’t use temporary setbacks as an excuse to create permanent failures. You’ll have the grit it takes to gravitate to where your thermostat is set, and eventually, you’ll rise to that temperature.
Remember, as a One More person, change comes from thinking and acting. This book is not about doing one thing or the other. You must do them in unison. When you think and act in congruency, you don’t cool your thermostat back down. Instead, you’re best positioned to turn your thermostat up to achieve the results you deserve.
The Trilogy of Changing Your Identity
Once you buy into the concept that changing your identity is the key to changing your life, the question then becomes, “How do I readjust my thermostat to create my new identity?” That process is anchored in a Trilogy of core principles: faith, intentions, and associations.
Faith
According to Matthew 17:20–21, “Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”
Nothing moves mountains quite like faith. The same applies to moving your thermostat so that you can move your identity to a new place, too. If you’re a person of faith, whether you practice Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Judaism, or any other faith‐based teachings, fundamentally, you believe that your God loves you.
As part of my faith, I believe that I come from the most extraordinary DNA in the world: God’s DNA. As an extension of this, I also believe that God did not make me in His image to live with a thermostat set at 75 degrees. God created us to live a full faith‐based life with a thermostat set at 100 degrees.
Many people say they lead faith‐based lives, but how many of us say they have God and faith in all parts of their lives? Several people I know read the Bible, go to church, and are kind‐hearted and loving people. But do these same people extend their faith into their beliefs about personal fitness, finance, relationships, and business? In many cases, the answer is “No.” One of the keys to changing your identity is to let faith move mountains in all parts of your life.
Intentions
When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets. —Anthony Douglas Williams
I meet many people who constantly beat themselves up for where they are in life instead of giving themselves credit for their intentions to move to a new identity. If this sounds like you, all you’re doing is reinforcing your current identity—your 75‐degree life.
Do these moans sound familiar?
I’d give myself more credit if I had gotten that promotion.
My life is a complete mess since I got divorced three years ago.
I’m a failure since I had to claim bankruptcy during the pandemic.
You’re not letting yourself up off the mat when you do this. It’s a dead‐bang loser of an approach to life. You’re not being fair to the person who matters most—you!
Thinking this way creates a downward spiral, and the farther down you spin, the harder it is to climb out of it and create a new identity. You’ll accept frustration. You won’t want to be around people. And, quite frankly, most people won’t want to be around you.
Instead of souring on life, flip your script. Tell yourself you intend to do good and to serve. That you intend to create a thriving business and have money in the bank. You intend to treat the people around you with care and are worthy of a loving and caring relationship. Apply good intentions to all parts of your life, and then watch what happens.
Your intentions will set your mind to work creating your new identity. Your brain works on what it is told. When you tell your brain what you want to attract, it will design internal messages that will feed the good parts of who you are and manifest themselves in a new identity over time. Intentions are the currency that lets you make deposits in your “identity bank” instead of you creating a run on that bank that will eventually drive you into identity bankruptcy.
Associations
Consider the words of T. F. Hodge, “What surrounds us is what is within us.”
You can’t possibly stay at 75 degrees if you hang out with people operating at 100 degrees.
Through proximity, you absorb the traits, actions, and beliefs of the people you associate with. Consciously and unconsciously, their knowledge and ideas become a part of who you are.
This is why you should seek out quality associations that can either directly or indirectly help you grow to be the 100‐degree person you’re meant to be.
The other side of this is that if you want to raise your thermostat and change your identity, you may need to say goodbye to many of the 50‐degree people in your life.
Yes, I know that can be a hard thing to do. Until you clear out space in your life for the right associations, you’ll be mired in relationships that have outlived their purpose and now hold you back. I’m not saying this part is easy, but at times, it is necessary.
The other way to approach this is to reject 50‐degree behavior and raise other people’s thermostats instead. This is an especially viable approach when you’re dealing with family members or lifelong friends where saying goodbye could be difficult.
The bottom line is that you’re a reflection of the people you associate with. If you associate with people who elevate you and make your thermostat rise, then you’re on the right path to creating a new identity. Once you’re armed with awareness of the Trilogy, you can only move forward if you adjust the level of self‐confidence you have to change your identity.
Self‐Confidence Is the Unifying Factor
I go into greater detail in Chapter 12 on habits, but self‐confidence and how it relates to identity are crucial concepts worth repeating.
The first thing to know is that identity is different than self‐confidence. Identity is what you believe you’re worth. Your internal thermostat. Self‐ confidence is the means to deliver on it.
Self‐confident people share one habit in common, and that is the ability to keep the promises they make to themselves. When you’re in the habit of keeping promises you make with yourself, you’re on the pathway to self‐ confidence.
Self‐confidence is also a form of self‐trust, and if you can’t trust yourself, you need to do some hard thinking about your life.
It also follows that if you’re timid, you won’t act. If you have doubts, you’ll paralyze yourself with fear. Doubts are the products of external factors in your life. They are incubators for negative thoughts. When these negative thoughts grow, they take over all your thoughts, and your mind descends into unproductive and damaging places.
That’s why you must guard your thoughts. Pull out the mental weeds that threaten to take over the good parts of your psyche. You may not get them all, and that’s okay. Self‐confidence is not about doing away with fear or timidity. It’s about moving forward anyway because of the agreements you made with yourself.
The other critical thing is that self‐confidence is generated from within. And because it’s an internal emotion, you can stack the deck in your favor. Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way: “What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.”
Let this sink in. You are the only one who gets a say in how much self‐ confidence you want. When you break internal agreements, you’re only fighting with yourself. If this sounds a bit crazy, that’s because it is.
Wouldn’t you rather save your energy for the other battles you’re fighting? Like most things in life, when keeping a promise to yourself, the first step is always the hardest. I guarantee that once your train of thought pulls out of that station in your head, you’ll find the momentum you need to act.
You’ll see results as you develop a new identity. Those results will be the fuel that keeps that train moving on down the tracks.
The opposite of self‐confidence is self‐sabotage. It’s like a computer virus that lurks inside many people and is only triggered when you try to move forward with an important part of your life. Self‐sabotage triggers discouragement and doubt, the mortal enemies of self‐confidence.
Farnham Street Media founder Shane Parrish perfectly described how these things could damage you when he said, “Optimism might not make you successful, but pessimism will ensure you don’t succeed.” When you self‐ sabotage, you dial down your thermostat and deny yourself the bliss that was headed into your life.
Maybe this is you. Perhaps it’s somebody you know. Some people just have a knack for being given a gift and then finding a way to undermine the outcome. The worst part is that the same people seem to repeat this type of thing over and over. They’re labeled the “hot‐mess” or somebody who hasn’t gotten their life together yet. In reality, they’ve just dialed their thermostat to what they believe they’re worthy of receiving.
How often have you seen somebody you know meet the woman or the man of their dreams, only to cheat on them, be gross and inappropriate, or downright rude? Do you know people who have made a pile of money but then go on a self‐destructive spree using drugs and alcohol, recklessly spending, or gambling their wealth away? Most of us have also heard cautionary tales of pro athletes who don’t train or eat well or who overindulge in vices, and in some cases, it costs them their lives. They’re all guilty of self‐sabotage because their lack of discipline is a lack of self‐confidence that does not match up and support their identity. Their internal thermostat doesn’t match the initial success they’ve enjoyed. Eventually, that thermostat resets itself, and the person crashes back down to where their thermostat says they should be.
It’s sad when this happens because it doesn’t need to be this way. Here’s an exercise I use to destroy self‐sabotage, discouragement, and doubt. I pay attention when I have a self‐sabotaging thought. I mentally record that thought. Then, I visualize and see myself scratching it out. The first time I record the thought and strike it out, I’ll still see it. So I do this repeatedly, as many times as it takes, until I can no longer see the thought because it is so marked over and blacked out. When I get to the point where I can’t see it, the thought has been stricken from my mind. My mind no longer lives with the thought, and that thought loses its limiting power on me.
To successfully align with your One More Identity, you must keep the right promises with yourself. You must eliminate negatives and create an environment where self‐confidence becomes an asset instead of one more thing you fear.
Now that you know more about how self‐confidence and identity work together, it’s time to look at misconceptions that can skew proper thinking.
Misconceptions About Self‐Confidence and Identity Recognize and reject these misconceptions, and you’ll fortify your quest for a new identity:
I am what I possess. Lots of people link self‐confidence and identity to their possessions. They make the flawed assumption that the more possessions they acquire, the higher their self‐confidence will be, and the more perfect their new identity will be.
That’s not the case. It’s a hollow approach to self‐confidence and identity.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with acquiring material things. I would be disingenuous if I told you that. What I don’t do is link my possessions and material wealth with my self‐confidence and my identity. I consciously keep them separate, and so should you.
I am my accomplishments. This is a horrible trap to fall into because all your life, to feel good about your self‐confidence and your identity, you’re going to have an insatiable need to keep accomplishing things.
Keep it simple. You are you. You were put on this Earth to do great things but feeding your ego is an insidious trap. By all means, attempt great things. Accomplish great things. Just don’t get so caught up in patting yourself on the back that you lose the humility you should have. Remember, it can all be taken away in an instant. And if you use your accomplishments as a crutch for your self‐worth, that fall will be hard, I guarantee you.
I am what other people say I am. Wrong. The essence of self‐ confidence and internalizing your search for a new identity flies in the face of this belief. Forget the ego strokes. Don’t base your worth on social media hearts and likes. Don’t beg for compliments. It’s a cheap and needy way to live your life. When you do, you’re doing the opposite of improving your self‐confidence and designing your new identity.
What I look like means everything. So many people fall into the trap of what they think beauty should be. This is especially true for women who are bombarded with television programs, blogs, podcasts, social media, and magazines, all of which place an extreme focus on external beauty.
Here’s the real deal. True beauty comes from within. Your beauty comes from your soul, intentions, your capacity to give, how you treat people, your beliefs, and your kind heart. It’s not bad to work on your health, lose weight, dress in nice clothes, and pay attention to your grooming. The trick is to do it for you and nobody else. Remember, you are defined by the content of your character and not by the reflection in your bathroom mirror.
As a One More thinker, your identity is foundational to who you are. Use the Trilogy and apply self‐confidence to find the right temperature on your identity thermostat. When you do, you’re well on your way not only to creating your best identity but also to leading your best life.
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
Download the PDF Summary here
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2 One More and Living in Your Matrix
This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill—the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill—you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit‐hole goes. —Morpheus, The Matrix
I’M A HUGE FAN OF THE MATRIX. Not only was it a groundbreaking movie when it was released in 1999, but the film is also stacked with One More lessons. If you haven’t seen The Matrix yet, stay with me. It’s all going to make sense in a moment. Also, be advised, spoilers are ahead.
The Matrix tells the story of Keanu Reeves’s character, a computer programmer, Thomas A. Anderson, who leads a double life as the hacker Neo. He joins forces with legendary hacker Morpheus in a quest to destroy artificial intelligence that is running human life, known as the Matrix. As they battle the Agents that protect the Matrix, Neo begins to display super‐ human gifts—including the ability to slow down time—that indicate he could be The One, or the chosen person to bring down the Matrix.
Speaking of The One, I want you to realize something. When you see a happy or financially successful family, understand that at some point in their history, they weren’t happy or successful. That is, until The One showed up, and The One in that family changed the family tree forever.
The One can change the emotions, finances, level of happiness, and the way the family thinks, among many other things.
In my family, I am The One. Not because I wanted it or I liked it, but because I was ready to fight for it, and because I learned the strategies it takes to be The One.
My prayer for you is for you to become The One in your family. The reason I love the story of Neo being The One is because I believe it’s a metaphor for what exists in every family.
It bears repeating. When you see a family that is happy, successful, or living out their dreams, understand that they did not start out that way. And then, The One in that family stepped up and changed that family legacy forever. I’m teaching you about the Matrix so that you can be The One who steps up in your family, too.
Here’s something that may surprise you.
What if I told you that you’re already living in your Matrix? What if I told you there are already forces at work deep inside you that are slowing down parts of your life, interpreting and reinforcing what you’ve already programmed into your consciousness? You’re not even aware this is happening.
But it is.
Your Matrix is a more colloquial name for your reticular activating system, RAS for short. Your RAS is the filter that gives weight to the important things in your life and filters out the things that are not.
The RAS is a concept I’ve talked about in the past. Much like creating a One More identity, I haven’t explored it as much as we’re going to do in this chapter. And just like a One More identity, learning about your RAS is vital to linking with many of the other chapters in this book.
However, while understanding the science behind your RAS is important, because people are sometimes intimidated or turned off by heavy duty scientific concepts, I’ve translated our discussion into a more accessible and digestible strategy using the Matrix as an example.
Whether you identify it as your RAS or your Matrix, remember this. Think of the RAS as the filter that reveals to you what’s most important to you in your life.
Here’s an example that illustrates how the RAS works. Let’s say you want to buy a blue van. Immediately, you start seeing blue vans everywhere. It could three lanes over on a freeway, when you’re out running errands, or dropping your kids off at school.
Guess what? Those blue vans were always there, you just never noticed them before. But now you see them because they’ve become a part of your RAS. They have been filtered into your consciousness since they have become important to you.
This extends out to other parts of your life. For example, the clients, your level of fitness, the relationships, or the emotions you want become your blue vans. They were always there; you just never saw them because they weren’t programmed into your RAS. You just filtered them out because they weren’t important enough to you at the time.
How do they become important? Through repeated visualization and thought. These things teach your RAS what it should be hearing, looking for, and feeling because your mind moves toward what it is most familiar with.
This is what I mean by slowing down. When you repeatedly visualize and obsessively think about something, you tell your RAS to pay attention to that thought, and that’s when the world slows down.
That’s how the RAS works.
You already do this exceptionally well, but chances are you don’t do it with enough direction, intention, or awareness. However, if you can direct your RAS to focus better on the blue vans in your life, then your life begins to change.
One More thinkers learn to work in concert with their Matrix. In turn, this repeatedly creates opportunities and outcomes that will fast‐forward your life in countless ways.
Living a Deeper Life by Slowing Down Your Matrix
The concept of slowing down time can be traced back to ancient civilizations. The fifth‐century BC philosopher Zeno posed the question, “If a flying arrow appears to be at rest in any particular instant in flight, doesn’t that actually make it motionless?” It was one of many paradoxes he posed in his time.
We’ve come a long way since then. But the concept of our relationship with time still fascinates us. Just like in The Matrix, if you want to live a deeper, more meaningful life, you must learn to slow down your internal pace. From a technical standpoint, The Matrix used cinematic special effects to create what has become known as bullet time. Bullet time was created by placing 120 cameras in a 360‐degree circle around the action, taking thousands of shots, and then stitching those shots together. The results make viewers feel like they’re moving around a slow‐motion scene that plays out in a matter of seconds, which is what you ultimately see in the movie.
As directors, the Wachowskis weren’t the first to use the technique, but they were the first to take it mainstream. It’s used several times in The Matrix and subsequent sequels, but the best known and remembered use is when Neo dodges bullet after bullet on a rooftop—hence, bullet time.
Bullet time can work for you, too. It’s the equivalent of an extreme version of “stopping to smell the roses.” But it’s a lot more than that. When you strategically slow down your physical and mental being, you create a space that allows your senses and brain to reset. You see things differently, and you start to realize One Mores have been there all along.
You just needed to change the variables in your life to see them. The key is to be aware of your circumstances and your environment. Bullet time allows you to go looking for one more business deal, concentrate on one more way to improve your tennis game, or one more way to make your marriage better.
I’m trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You’re the one that has to walk through it. —Morpheus
It takes time and focus to engage in your present life. Much like The Matrix, you’ll be more invested in what happens to you when you put forth this effort.
Just as important, you must consciously decide which path you want to choose. This brings us to the famous blue pill versus red pill choice Neo must make. When Morpheus asks Neo to choose between the pills, he essentially asks Neo to choose between fate and free will.
In The Matrix, taking the blue pill represents choosing fate. All choices are already decided, and actions are predetermined. The concept of choice is only an illusion. Neo instead opts for the red pill and places himself in a place of free will where he can change his fate based on his decisions. He joins Morpheus and Trinity, another key freedom fighter, who also place a higher value on free will, no matter how unpleasant that world is.
Everyone has this same ability to choose their reality. One More thinkers are simply more intentional about it. They choose free will and action because they know what they want and combine thinking and action to move them closer to their standards and goals. They raise their awareness levels. In doing so, they slow down their world. And their world changes to better align with what they want in life.
Neo, sooner or later you’re going to realize, just as I did, there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. —Morpheus
Because of the pace of our lives, we often choose to look at only certain things. To travel along pre‐established paths. For many, it’s a matter of expediency. But it also eliminates several colors in the big, beautiful rainbow of life.
Don’t be too hard on yourself if this sounds like you. From the time we’re born, we’re taught to obey others, follow the rules, and memorize facts. As the world goes faster and faster, it’s more of a struggle to keep up in a light‐ speed technologically driven era. To survive, we constantly accept that others decide what’s best for us and that we should follow without question.
What if you challenged that assumption? Not all the time, but in the areas of your life that are important to you. What if you gave yourself a mental time‐ out and thought long and hard about the choices you face? What if you explored your options more deeply when it mattered?
One More thinkers should be more deeply engaged in their own lives when possible. Your Matrix and your choice between the red pill and the blue pill are waiting for you.
How Your Matrix Works
It’s cool to attach a movie label to one of your core functions. But to fully appreciate how your Matrix works, you need to understand the science behind your Matrix as well.
I mentioned the reticular activating system (RAS) earlier. It’s the mental muscle that allows you to recalibrate your Matrix. Your RAS filters things into your awareness that are important to you and filters out the things that are not.
In neurological terms, reticular means “net or web‐like.” The RAS is a network web formation of nerve cells and their connections located deep in your brainstem, between your spinal cord, traversing up through your thalamus in the center of your brain. These cells extend outward to your cerebral cortex, which is the thin layer of neural tissue on the surface of your brain.
The RAS does not interpret the quality or the type of sensory input you provide it. The RAS activates your entire cerebral cortex, putting it on high alert. This increased arousal creates an enhanced ability to interpret incoming information and preps the brain for appropriate action.
Appropriate action means that the RAS alters your brain’s electrical activity, regulating the electrical voltage of brain waves and the speed at which nerve cells engage. It also releases chemicals that regulate sleep, pain, motor function, emotions, and memories. These chemicals include acetylcholine that regulates movement, and dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin that are associated with consciousness and feelings. The RAS has been linked to psychological disorders, too. Abnormalities in the RAS result in schizophrenia, Parkinson’s disease, and post‐traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), among others.
When you’re awake, your brain produces low‐voltage brain waves that are incredibly fast so that you can organize information quickly and attentively. The same thing occurs during the rapid eye movement (REM) cycle of sleep, which produces intense dreaming, body movements, and faster breathing and pulse rates.
How the RAS configures these signals also makes you more or less alert, more or less cognizant, and will determine how your brain interprets various messages you receive. In this way, the RAS is your brain’s natural filtering system. It filters out everything that’s not important to you or unnecessary noise that interferes with your decision‐making process, including processing messages when you sleep.
The RAS also filters in all the things that are important to you into your consciousness. By doing so, you can create your own reality. But you have to be intentional and work at it. For One More thinkers, your RAS is your Matrix. Understanding the science behind how your Matrix works makes it easier to understand how and why you should find ways to put it to work in your favor.
Here’s a quick illustration. If you’re looking for things to be offended by, your RAS will activate, and that’s what you’ll find all day long. On the other hand, if you’re looking for things to be grateful for, that’s what you’ll find instead.
When you intentionally activate your Matrix to focus on certain things, you’ll see One Mores everywhere.
Without consciously knowing it, your Matrix sifts through a mountain of data and presents only the pieces that are important to you. Your Matrix programs itself to work in your favor. You’ve heard of the saying, “garbage in, garbage out”? I’ll bet you didn’t know there was a whole branch of science connected to it. It’s all about you and your Matrix.
Your Matrix also seeks information that validates your beliefs. It filters the world through the parameters you give it. Your beliefs shape those parameters in a self‐fulfilling prophecy of sorts. If you think you’re bad at hitting a golf ball, or painting as a hobby, or giving a speech, then you probably will be horrendous at those activities. Conversely, if you think you can hit a 90‐m.p.h. fastball, learn a new language in three months, or master ballroom dancing in a year, you have a much better chance of doing so. Your Matrix helps you see what you want to see, and then it goes to work to influence your actions.
Your RAS also helps explain the Law of Attraction. This is the concept that you attract what you tend to think about. It’s often touted in some kind of New Age, cosmic way, but the Law of Attraction is a lot less magical and mystical once you understand how your Matrix works.
Here’s a One More thinker key takeaway. When you can train your Matrix to take your subconscious thoughts and marry them to your consciousness, you become intentional. I talk a lot about being intentional, and now you know how and why the process works.
It requires focus and patience. However, if you can master this skill, your Matrix will align with you to reveal information, people, and opportunities to help you achieve your standards and goals.
Training Your Matrix to Get What You Want
The next and most obvious question then becomes, “How do I train my Matrix to get what I want?” There are simple and concrete ways to do this. You start by planting a seed in your Matrix. Think about a situation you want to influence. For example, “I want to lose weight.” Next, give more directed thought to the specific outcome you want. In this case, “I want to lose 20 pounds over the next six months.” Finally, start creating visualizations of how you ideally want that goal to play out. Let your imagination hear the conversations, actions, exercise, foods, and other details you’ll need to reach that goal. To lock in your Matrix, you’ll need to replay these things over and over with intention.
When you do this, you’re unleashing your Matrix to go to work for you. One More thinkers must also put actions to these thoughts. It’s not enough to mentally convince yourself. You can’t wish your way to success. Let’s say you want a dog. You love huskies, but you never noticed how many of them you see during your day until you set your mind to work, deciding that’s the kind of dog you want. Suddenly, you see huskies everywhere.
How about your dream car? Maybe all your life, you’ve dreamed of owning a Porsche. It’s one of those “someday” dreams with no actual timetable in place. Then, your career takes off. You get a big raise and your “someday” Porsche dream starts to become real. You see online ads, TV commercials, and billboards for Porsches. Every time one passes you on the freeway, your brain fires off. You have a chance meeting with a guy who already drives a Porsche, and your Matrix elevates your dream to an even higher state.
When these things happen, your Matrix has taken the first steps in moving you closer to what you want out of life.
Your Matrix and Confirmation Bias
Confirmation bias is the tendency to interpret new evidence as the confirmation of your existing beliefs or theories. Your Matrix and confirmation bias are joined at the hip. When your Matrix generates specific beliefs or outcomes, confirmation bias kicks in and reinforces those beliefs, further strengthening the effect. As this happens, any evidence or theories that undermine or could disprove what your Matrix believes are undervalued.
Confirmation bias is an extension of selective recall. When you choose to remember things in a certain way that confirms what you’re thinking, you’ll be biased to the outcome you want to achieve. The stronger your beliefs, or the more emotionally charged an issue is to you, the stronger your confirmation bias and selective recall will be.
These embedded beliefs become stronger over time. Subconsciously, through repetition, your obsessions eventually become your possessions. When combined with intentional actions, confirmation bias, and selective recall, your Matrix drives you unrelentingly toward your goals. The key is to make sure the right seeds are planted in your Matrix. If you plant the wrong things, you’ll harvest the wrong results.
Biased interpretations and memories can be powerful tools when you harness them the right way. In our respective worlds, we’re inundated with confirmations daily. Social media is a prime example of an echo chamber that reinforces our beliefs. We gravitate toward what aligns with our thoughts and beliefs. And we often repel points of view that differ from our own.
In recent years, the media has become an obvious example of confirmation bias. Fox News, CNN, MSNBC, and others routinely express points of view that either confirm or enrage viewers, based on their political leanings. Confirmation bias also minimizes a mental conflict known as cognitive dissonance. That occurs when a person is exposed to two contradictory beliefs, resulting in psychological stress or uneasiness. Confirmation bias helps avoid incongruent points of view and strengthens information‐ reinforcing views that align with what we want to believe.
Your Matrix Is Unique to You
Every person’s Matrix is unique. Just as no two brains are alike, the same holds true for your Matrix as well. You are the one‐of‐a‐kind total of your memories, experiences, thoughts, relationships, fears, ambitions, and more.
That’s why learning how to control your Matrix is a solo journey. You can’t delegate this responsibility. It’s up to you, and only you. And keep in mind, confirmation bias heavily influences how your Matrix behaves. Consider this. A Wall Street stockbroker has configured their Matrix to find money in the vast array of financial markets. By slowing down and letting their Matrix see opportunities, they see deals that someone who is not intentionally wired does not.
Likewise, ponder the plight of a homeless drug addict on Skid Row. Even though they have no place to sleep and wonder where their next meal is coming from, they always find a way to get their next high. They’ve trained their Matrix to find drugs. And they become very good at doing it.
Both are living their realities. They have trained their Matrix to elevate specific thoughts and opportunities consistent with their goals, and everything they run across tends to confirm that they’re moving toward those goals. In each case, their obsessions become their possessions.
Society may judge them differently. But is either right or wrong, or are they the result of how their Matrix impacted their lives?
The point I make is that your Matrix is yours, and yours alone. You control it, whether you’re looking for your next big sleeper stock or a dime bag of heroin. And the longer your Matrix sees things a certain way, the more ingrained and intense your beliefs become.
Here’s another example. If you’re a quarterback, does it make more sense in a game to avoid receivers who are covered or look for receivers who are open? When you train your mind to look for an open receiver, that’s what your brain looks for instead of focusing on covered receivers.
Rookie quarterbacks often struggle because they don’t have the depth of experience planted in their Matrix. But seasoned Hall of Fame quarterbacks like Joe Montana or Peyton Manning literally picked apart defenses. They were more deeply invested and embedded into believing they could control the action on the field because their world had slowed down and put them into their in‐game Matrix.
It’s also how an experienced color analyst in the booth like Tony Romo or Troy Aikman can spot a blitz, know what routes receivers are going to run, and what the coverage will be even before the snap of the ball. Years of experience on the field now translates into interpreting, in advance, what’s going to happen on the field for millions of viewers at a time.
If you’re a golfer, you filter out sand traps, water hazards, and out‐of‐ bounds markers on every swing. You know exactly where you want to place the ball on every shot, and that’s all your Matrix allows you to see.
Using your Matrix also extends to your relationships. When you activate your Matrix, you begin to see the qualities in people you want to have a relationship with instead of missing those people who were there all along.
What if, instead of huskies, Porsches, and pass routes, you focused on creating more business prospects? You would begin to hear opportunities at work or on a sales call that you wouldn’t otherwise because your brain is now actively looking for these kinds of possibilities. You begin to see money‐making opportunities that were always there but weren’t filtered into your Matrix before.
If you’re an entrepreneur, you already train your brain to look for opportunities, not roadblocks. You seek ways to connect two disparate services, products, or relationships in a way that will make you money. To some degree, your Matrix filters out all the people who are not good candidates for you to work with and instead focuses on the ones you are most compatible with.
Think about what could happen if you became even more focused on this. Would the quality and quantity of your deals rise? Would you put more money in your pocket at the end of the year? Based on my experience, yes, you would.
I’m a big believer that everything you need is already in and around you right now if you can just put in the work to see it.
Optimizing Your Matrix
Your Matrix is already hard at work. But is it working the right way on your behalf? Do you think about the things that will enhance your life, or are you thinking about avoiding bad things that will detract from your life? There is a difference.
Shifting your Matrix mindset to a more positive framework removes fear and anxiety and replaces those thoughts with confidence and forward momentum. To do this, two things are essential. First, you must intentionally elevate the quality of your thoughts. Frame them in the positive. Set your goals so that when you achieve them, you’ll be excited about the outcome instead of breathing a sigh of relief that you avoided a crisis.
Second, repeat, repeat, repeat!
You must continuously and consciously fill your Matrix with the thoughts you want. Let your beliefs become so embedded that you’re not even aware they exist. However, your Matrix won’t lose sight of them. In its way, your Matrix will become your biggest ally and turn your thoughts into results. Program your Matrix through intentional repetitious feelings, words, and visualizations. Be doggedly persistent if you want success.
Breaking it down further, activation also comes from preparation, gathering knowledge, courage, permitting yourself to fail, giving yourself permission to chart your path, gratitude, and more. Also, remove procrastination from your life. As Victor Kiam, an entrepreneur and former owner of the New England Patriots, said, “Procrastination is opportunity’s assassin.” Conversely, change is the instigator of opportunity.
When it’s time to dance with a pretty girl, you can’t sit on the sidelines, otherwise, another guy will be two‐steppin’ with her in no time. And you’ll just be left at the bar, grumpy and drunk.
Few things are more expensive than opportunities you miss. You pay for them with regret, doubt, and a lingering, haunting feeling of what could have been.
English philosopher Francis Bacon once said, “A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds.”
In the same way, One More thinkers are intentional about opportunities. They set their Matrix in motion and hone this powerful tool through repetition.
When you activate your Matrix, you’ll bend reality and find One More opportunities that will reveal themselves to you in ways you would never have seen otherwise.
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
Download the PDF Summary here
FOLLOW US HERE > |YouTube |Spotify | Instagram | Facebook | Newsletter | Website
3 One More Try
It ain’t over ’til it’s over. —Yogi Berra
IF YOU EVER WANT TO ACHIEVE ANYTHING MEANINGFUL IN YOUR LIFE, the strategy you must master is One More Try. Here’s why.
One More Try doesn’t run in an isolated path in your life. It’s an overarching concept that links to many of the other strategies in this book.
One of the core beliefs I hold is the importance of compounding. Compounding takes place when you attempt One More Try, time and time again. When you’re successful in implementing a One More Try mentality, you’ll create and compound more wins for yourself.
Each of those wins creates an incremental advancement toward your goals. You stack them on top of each other to produce significant long‐term changes in your life.
Here’s a simple example that illustrates the point. When you were a child, the first time you tried to ride a bicycle, you didn’t do so well, did you? You probably started with training wheels, going slow, and with your mom or your dad by your side to steady you.
As you climbed on your bike day after day, you got better at learning how to balance, pedal, and go forward. Eventually, those training wheels came off, and slowly but surely you started to ride away on your own. Not long after that, you were whizzing up and down streets and sidewalks without a care in the world. And your life had changed forever.
Until you understand and embrace the fundamental, life‐changing power of One More Try, you won’t fully understand why it’s essential to try and make one more call, do one more set in the gym, meet one more person at a convention, or learn one more skill to put you head and shoulders above everyone else.
When you act and do the same things as everyone else, you’ll get the same results as everyone else. When you implement a One More Try mentality, that’s where you’ll find your greatest successes and your most significant personal growth.
Doing so also will give you more confidence than your competitors. It’s a secret weapon of sorts. Although they may not see it, you’ll know you’re willing to do more than them. You’re eager to make One More Try than they are. That’s a tremendous advantage in your favor.
This isn’t exactly a new idea. Confucius understood the battles that go on in a person’s mind when he wrote, “The man who thinks he can and the man who thinks he can’t are both right.”
Confucius knew that an individual executes to the level of what he or she believes in themselves. Confidence fuels your belief that you’re worthy of making One More Try.
Many people like to think of themselves as overachievers. If you call yourself an overachiever, you’re declaring that your standard practice is to go above and beyond what’s necessary for achievement.
To be an overachiever, you must wholly embrace One More Try.
There is another critical component to this. Even though you may be willing to do the things that other people aren’t willing to do, you must be intentional and look for opportunities in everything you do. That mindset must become second nature to you. When you practice this strategy long enough, it becomes a reflex. You don’t think about it. You just do it.
On an even more fundamental level, you must believe that you can create a One More Try life for yourself. This is like confidence, but it’s more about creating a higher level of self‐esteem. Many people don’t buy into themselves enough, and the limitations they live with come from within.
Being your own worst enemy is something I’ve seen a lot.
I don’t buy into this limiting mentality and I don’t want you to either. It doesn’t have to be that way!
I learned a long time ago that we all have the wisdom inside us to create the future we want for ourselves. Most of us simply don’t tap into this rich vein, for whatever reason. We block that part of our identity and accept something less.
Sometimes we accept a lesser life because we weren’t given a good role model to follow, or we’ve suffered through adversity that’s made us mentally fragile. We wither under criticism and refuse to dig deeper to find the mental toughness and grit that even we didn’t know we had.
Here’s something that should excite you. When you do break through, the places where One More Try takes place are a lot less crowded than when you run with the pack. Most people give up. They don’t do the work you’re willing to do. So, they won’t get the results you’ll get.
Rather, when you move to this new place where One More Try is the norm, the law of averages is now working in your favor. Simply stated, more tries equal more successes.
That’s a good place to start if you’re looking for the boost you need to start implementing One More Try.
Busting Open the Piñata
One More Try is so important that I want to give you a few examples to drive home the point that often in life, it feels like we’re making no apparent progress, even though we are.
My favorite of these is what I call “busting open the piñata.” Life is like taking swings at a pin˜ata. It’s also an excellent metaphor for how to understand the impact of One More Try. There’s no external evidence that we’re making progress and that’s why people often quit before getting to the part of their lives where the candy comes out.
The perfect example of this is from a few years ago when I went to a birthday party for a 5‐year‐old. At the party, there was a pin˜ata, and one by one, the kids put on a blindfold. They stepped up, were given a bat, spun around, and then told to swing at the pin˜ata.
The first couple of kids grazed the pin˜ata. They were disoriented and didn’t know which direction to swing. Even with some well‐intentioned help from their fellow partygoers, they did no apparent damage to the pin˜ata. Or so it seemed!
Those kids got a little frustrated when nothing came out. What they didn’t realize is that inside, the pin˜ata was slowly breaking down.
The kids who went up later figured out the game a bit more. They stepped up, bat in hand, and took their swings. Many of them made solid contact and did some damage, whether they knew it or not.
The compounding effect of pounding on that piñata, even if it seemed like the piñata was holding firm, was making a difference. Every time a blow landed, those kids made invisible progress, growing ever closer to the ultimate goal of busting it wide open. All the kids shrieked with anticipation after each thump. After a few more whacks, they sensed the paper‐mache beast was weakening. Still, the piñata would not break.
When all of the children had taken their swings, mom blindfolded the birthday boy and he stepped up for his turn.
That little man reared back, and with the mightiest “One More Try” you’re ever going to see, he busted that piñata wide open.
You know what came next. More than a dozen children scurried to gobble up all the treats and goodies that had fallen from the piñata.
Was it that one shot that busted the pinata wide open? Absolutely not. It was the compounded accumulation of all those hits that contributed to achieving the goal of getting the candy.
Too many people quit their business, their workouts, or their relationships before the candy comes out! Although they’re making progress, it doesn’t always show up externally.
My advice to you is to keep hitting the pin˜atas of your life. Whether you can see it or not, you’re making more progress than you might think.
Is this starting to sound like your life yet? It should. We all swing at a lot of pin˜atas and early on, we don’t generally bust those pin˜atas open.
I told you at the beginning of this book that you were a lot closer to realizing your goals and dreams that you may think, and this is a perfect metaphor of that concept.
Just like the children, you’re making invisible progress in your life. Unfortunately, most people don’t stick around long to realize the outcomes from that progress.
However, when you know that you’re moving forward, even when you can’t directly see you’re moving forward, you’ll stay more focused on your processes and tasks to accomplish your goals.
Invisible progress is more than having faith. It’s knowledge you’ve acquired because your efforts produced results on other things you’ve attempted in the past.
When we do bust open a piñata, we get an undeniable rush.
You’ve experienced it many times. You know exactly what that rush is. In fact, the harder it is to bust open that piñata, the more intense the rush is. As we keep swinging, anticipation builds. Adrenaline kicks in. Confidence grows. You may even get a little angry as you dig deeper and refuse to yield.
In your piñatas, the “candy” that tumbles out can be your bliss. It’s your financial freedom. It’s falling in love with the special someone in your life. It’s landing the dream job you’ve always wanted.
All because you didn’t give up. You gave it One More Try. And over time, those efforts compounded until you got precisely what you wanted.
You must tune out the naysayers and all the negative distractions to focus on busting your piñata wide open. You’ll feel disoriented at times, doubt may creep into your mind, and you may think that your goal is not worth it. Until you learn how to win those battles, you’ll never enjoy what your piñata holds for you.
If you stay with it long enough, you will enjoy the fruits of your labors. And everyone else in your circle who sticks around and supports you will enjoy those things as well.
Take your swings. As many as you need. Get that candy. There are a lot of piñatas waiting for you to bust open and enjoy.
A Father, a Daughter, and the Power of One More Try
I want to tell you what happened on April 26, 1998, and why that date means everything to me.
I was relatively new to the business world, and I was scheduled to give a presentation that night to 40 people on my team. The RSVPs didn’t materialize the way I had wanted, and by the time the presentation rolled around, only eight people showed up.
I was crushed.
I started to doubt whether this was a career for me. I began to think maybe there was something better out there, something else that I was meant to do with my life. I was frustrated and discouraged and didn’t know if I should keep doing this or not.
I sat down and had a talk with myself. It’s as honest as I’ve ever been. Had I done everything I could for as long as I could? Had I done the right things at the right time? I really needed to decide if I had put forth my best effort to make a go of it.
Because I was candid with myself, the answer was “no.” That’s a hard thing for a proud man to admit to himself. Hard but necessary.
Even more important, I had to acknowledge my shortcomings. Until that point, I had followed a pattern of quitting when things got hard or embarrassing. I found it easy to pull the plug. Too easy.
Instead of walking away, I dug my heels in and decided I was going to give this one more try. I was going to empty my tank and do everything that I could to make sure that I had given my very best to my chosen profession. Retreating and giving up were no longer options for me. I set my old limiting identity aside and launched a new version of myself. That “come to Jesus” talk with myself, that refusal to give in, and my decision to go the distance by tapping into One More Try changed my life forever.
From that night forward, my efforts and my mindset turned into a business life that has paid me hundreds of millions of dollars.
There’s one more example I want to share with you.
Fair warning: there’s a proud parent moment ahead. Those of you who are moms and dads will completely understand where I’m coming from.
As I write this, my daughter Bella is 17. Wow, where did that time go? Much to her credit, she recently decided it was time to go out and get a job. Bella applied at a local pizzeria in town and had a great interview. They were ready to offer her the job until one final question tripped her up. They asked if she was 18 yet. Since the pizzeria served beer, it was a minimum age requirement, and she didn’t meet it.
Bella called me right after she left that interview. She was dejected when she shared the news. I was bummed. As a parent, when your child hurts, you do too.
But that’s not the end of the story.
A half‐hour later, Bella called again. The first words out of her mouth were …
“Dad, I got a job!”
Talk about somebody else getting candy from the piñata your daughter busted open. I can’t even begin to tell you how elated I was. And, I was curious.
After a disappointing setback, most teenagers will tuck their tails between their legs and head home. But as she was leaving the pizzeria, Bella noticed a small café next door. Instead of passing by like 999 out of 1,000 job‐ hunting teenagers might do, she went inside and started talking to the hostess.
One thing led to another, and it turned out the café was looking to hire someone. And, that person didn’t need to be 18! Bella met with the manager and was hired on the spot.
That’s how my beautiful daughter, using One More Try, took a potential defeat and turned it into a victory instead.
I’m hard‐pressed to come up with a more perfect example of how pushing yourself and using One More Try can work in your favor. It would have been so easy to give up, but because Bella made an effort to talk to one more business, she got a job, and it changed her life.
Perhaps the coolest part is that she did it all on her own. Like father, like daughter. It’s one of the best proud parent moments I’ve had in my life.
Three Ways That One More Try Can Turn You into an Overachiever
Your path to becoming an overachiever is linked directly to One More Try. The more you try, the more you achieve.
Here are three overachiever principles to consider.
Extremity Expands Capacity
Your most significant gains don’t come from places you’re already at or where you’ve already been. Your greatest gains and successes happen when you push yourself to new places and new limits. You create an extreme condition compared to what you’re used to, and when you do that, you expand your capacity for success. Your new level of capacity becomes your new norm.
As you become more comfortable pushing yourself to extremes, you become more confident because you know what waits for you on the other side.
If you’re worried about pushing yourself to the point of exhaustion, don’t be. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t get your rest, but I’ve found that most people are tired from too little activity, instead of too much activity.
High degrees of activity produce energy, and you feed off this energy. Much like batteries, if you don’t use your energy, you tend to lose it over time.
But when you use your energy, that produces even more energy. When you produce more energy, you can go to a more extreme place. Once you’ve been to that place, you’re able to see it, feel it, touch it, and understand what that new level of capacity is to you.
Those of you who know me now know why I’ve adopted the motto MAXOUT. For 30 years, I’ve understood that maxing out your life creates a new extreme level. That new extreme level creates a new capacity and the place where you will grow and achieve the most results. In other words, when you MAXOUT, you will also MAXUP.
Winning Is a Numbers Game\
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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If you want to be an overachiever, you must create better numbers for whatever is important to you.
Much of your success will come down to your commitment to executing basic tasks again and again. You must learn to do simple things well. You must be obsessed with perfecting processes repetitively until you create big enough numbers to give you the wins you’re looking for.
Overachievers don’t think in terms of quality or quantity. They think in terms of quality and quantity.
Tiger Woods doesn’t just go through the motions when he practices hitting golf balls from two to four hours a day. He is obsessed with repetitively hitting each ball the right way with the same backswing, same stroke, and same follow‐through each time.
If you watched The Last Dance, a documentary about Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls, you saw how hard Jordan pushed himself. You either got on board with Michael’s level of practice and play, or you didn’t last very long. Jordan didn’t land in the record books by accident. He understood that you must put in the work and rack up the numbers when you practice, so that you can rack up victories of all kinds when you play.
The highest achievers always condition themselves to incorporate One More Try into their daily routines. As I mentioned, there’s less competition when you rise to that level, and your victories will be bigger and better in all cases.
Perhaps you’ve coasted from time to time in your business. Maybe you haven’t applied One More Try to its fullest advantage. Everybody goes through peaks and valleys, but you shouldn’t wallow in those valleys for very long. You’ll know when you’re not putting forth your maximum effort.
You’ll know when you’re not doing everything you can to make you and your business as successful as possible.
You can hide from yourself sometimes, but you can’t hide from the numbers.
The numbers are a black‐and‐white reflection directly related to your effort. It’s easy to compare month‐to‐month or year‐to‐year sales volume, phone calls, and other metrics. You should have no trouble keeping track of how often you go to the gym, how many sets and repetitions of weights you lift, or how many miles a week you go for a run. You can’t dominate when you don’t crank out better numbers than your competitors or when measured against your past performance levels.
Nothing Creates Everything
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. —Genesis 1:1–3
Some theologians interpret Genesis as God creating the whole universe out of nothing. He just spoke existence into being out of total nothingness. I happen to be one of those people who also believes this, and I go into greater detail about my faith as part of One More Prayer in Chapter 18. This belief is known as creatio ex nihilo and is the answer to how the universe came to exist. Creatio ex nihilo teaches matter is not eternal but had to be created by some divine creative act, frequently attributed to God. Here’s how that applies to your life.
When you push yourself and empty everything you have inside of you to the point of having nothing left, that’s when everything will be created.
When you empty yourself, you create room for new experiences, goals, and efforts. Bruce Lee echoed that sentiment when he said, “Empty your cup, so that it may be filled.”
I’m not talking about driving yourself to physical exhaustion. You should never put yourself in that state. What I am talking about is always doing One More. When you do, you’re emptying yourself out. When you have nothing more to give, you have reached a state of ex nihilo. And you’re ready to fill yourself up in a higher capacity.
Making the Power of One More Try Work for You
Life won’t hand you opportunities. You need to be the type of person who goes out and creates opportunities for yourself. Don’t wait! Be aggressive and understand that One More Try does not have to be perfect. It simply needs to be attempted. When you hide from One More Try, all you’re doing is disguising your insecurities.
Even when you don’t get exactly what you want, when you attempt One More Try, the next time you try again, you’re not starting from scratch. You’re going to be starting from a new level of experience that you can leverage to increase the odds of a better outcome.
As you implement One More Try, you’ll also create new levels of capacity. These levels are where you’ll find your most satisfaction. The more often you attempt One More Try, the more often you’ll win because winning is frequently a numbers game, if you execute well and give your maximum effort. Also, keep in mind that you’ll create new possibilities to fill up your life when you make every possible attempt and empty your tank.
The key to One More Try is to be intentional. You must have the strength and the focus to take steps that will drive you closer to where you want to be in life.
This is not always an easy thing to do. It requires a quiet determination to stay the course. Or, as Mary Anne Radmacher once said, “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ ”
If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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4 One More and the Five Principles of Time Management
Every day is a new life to a wise man. —Dale Carnegie
EVERYONE ACCEPTS THERE ARE 60 SECONDS IN A MINUTE.
Sixty minutes in an hour. And most of us still think there are 24 hours in a single day.
You’re probably thinking, “Of course, we do. That’s how many hours there are in a day. Right?”
Not if you’re high performer. Not if you’re a One More thinker. Instead, what if I could show you how to bend and manipulate time to your maximum advantage? One More thinkers don’t get 24 hours in one day. I’m going to show you how we get three days in a single 24‐hour block of time. I know it sounds crazy. But it’s not.
As much as anything else, this principle has contributed to my success since I first started using it more than 20 years ago. Along with the other time management principles I employ, I’ve used it to triple the number of days I have, and that has helped me triple my amount of productivity.
One More thinkers perceive time differently. And now, I’m going to teach you how to do the same thing.
Your Relationship with the Perception of Time
Time is a constant. But we treat time as a variable. How often have you heard these expressions?
“Ugh! This day is taking forever”.
“That month flew by”.
And my personal favorite …
“I can’t believe the weekend is over already”.
Through our experiences, age, current circumstances, how much rest we get, and how busy we are, our perception of time is continuously shifting. Scientists call this mind time, and it’s completely different than clock time. Mind time is what the speed of time feels like, and clock time is a constant chronology measured by the ticking hands of a timepiece on the wall.
Time is a fundamental element of our being and how we perceive the world around us. Our sense of who we are is shaped by how our brain connects our memories, present sensations, and our anticipation of the future. Neuroscientists, linguistic, psychological, and cognitive experts have studied the perception of time extensively for hundreds of years. Among other things, researchers know that perceived duration is unique to every individual and does not focus on a singular sensory system. Instead, time perception is a blended distribution system that involves the cerebral cortex, the cerebellum, and the basal ganglia.
Here’s the takeaway. Once you understand that you can alter how you perceive time, you can begin to bend time and use it to your advantage.
Time Is Your Most Valuable Asset
Time is more valuable than money. Money is a replenishable resource. You can always add more dollars to your bank account, but you can’t add more time to your life. Your time is finite. If you’re 40, you can’t turn back the calendar and become 30 again.
Authors, artists, songwriters, and poets have romanticized time throughout the ages.
The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. —Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace
The wisest are the most annoyed at the loss of time. —Dante Alighieri
My favorite thought about time may be the simplest and is attributed to Benjamin Franklin who said, “Time is money.”
When your time is over, you get no replays. You can’t reclaim time. However, our most valuable asset is frequently manipulated.
Mind time is perceived time and is directly related to the brain’s interpretation of several variables.
As we get older, the rate that our brain processes mental images and how quickly they are perceived decreases. It’s part of the natural aging process. Our vision and brain plasticity lessen, our neural pathways that transmit information degrade, and these shifts lead us to a sense of time speeding up. Even though an individual act happens in a fraction of a second, it takes longer to get to the same place. We lose that fraction of a second thousands of times a day.
There are several other variables we can’t control as well. When we’re physically tired, our brains can’t transfer and process information as quickly. Our tired brains can’t optimally see and make sense of visual, auditory, or tactile input. Our reaction times slow, and this also makes us feel as if time is speeding up. In reality, it’s just us slowing down in relation to the rest of the world.
That’s why athletes who aren’t well rested will play a bad game. Their ability to process is thrown off. That knocks their sense of timing out of balance. They can’t see or respond to in‐game variables effectively, which is one of the reasons why even the best shooters in the NBA sometimes go 4‐ for‐20 from the field.
Psychological trauma, drug use, intense feelings of fear or shock, ADHD, autism, depression, schizophrenia, and other factors also contribute heavily to altering perceptions of time.
The Five Principles of Time Management
Over the past 20 years, I’ve immersed myself in the concept of maximizing my time to accomplish my goals. What I discovered early on is that you must respect the nature of time. High achievers universally embrace this as a foundation of their success, including me.
As much as any other variable, your relationship to time can profoundly affect how far you go in life. I’ve tried all sorts of time management strategies. I’ve added and subtracted parts of various philosophies that make sense to me. And, eventually, I developed my own system that I refer to as the Five Principles of Time Management. If you can adapt and master these principles in your own life, you’ll enjoy more success, make more money, be more productive, add layers of bliss, and build the life you were meant to enjoy.
Let’s take a look at those five principles.
- Add More “Days” to Your Day
One More thinkers should set aside the notion of a 24‐hour day. The 24‐ hour day worked well before we had the internet, smartphones, wireless technology, computerized cars, jets, satellites, and other tools that let us expand our footprint and move at the speed of light.
We can now send an email anywhere in the world in an instant. We can hold a teleconference with dozens or hundreds of people 24/7. Instead of going to the library or digging through an encyclopedia, we can Google anything and get answers in a matter of seconds.
The ability to accomplish tasks has multiplied exponentially. Accessing information, people, and locations takes place with lightning‐speed immediacy. That’s why, if you want to be a high achiever, the 24‐hour day is an antiquated concept. In my world, and for all One More thinkers, it no longer applies.
We’re now able to accomplish more in five minutes, one hour, or one day than we could in an entire week or month 100 years ago. Our ability to compress time is our ability to bend and manipulate time for our best purposes. Guess what that does for your goals? It puts them in your face like never before. And when you’re closer to a goal, you naturally approach it with greater urgency.
Here’s a mindset you can put into practice today. It’s effective. I’ve been doing it for more than 20 years now, so I know it works.
From time to time, you’ll have one of those days where everything is falling in line. You’re able to knock out a ton of stuff and be more productive in four or five hours than you are in one of your normal full days. Or maybe you’ve had a day where you knock out more than you have in an entire month. What if you could replicate that rush every day?
Here’s how.
Instead of approaching your day as a single block of time, divide your waking hours into three equal parts, or mini‐days. For me, that means my “first day” runs from 6 a.m. to noon. My “second day” is from noon to 6 p.m. And my “third day” is from 6 p.m. until midnight. While you’re living seven days in one week, I’m living 21 days in one week.
To turbocharge how I spend my time, this is how I do it. By creating shorter days, my mind believes that each minute becomes more valuable. I don’t waste time because my sense of urgency is operating at a higher level. Instead, I’m focused even more on what I need to accomplish “today.” I compress work, relationships, productivity, fitness, and fun into shorter and more intense pieces of time with this strategy. I shrink the finish line so that more of what I do becomes a sprint.
Don’t lose sight of the fact that your life is still in balance. You still make time for all parts of your life. All that you’re doing is squeezing useless air out of the wasted parts of your day. At first, you may be intimidated by attempting to do this. But as you give it a try, you’ll replace old bad habits with effective new ones. You’ll move faster and have greater control of your time.
Here’s the cool part if you implement this mindset. Imagine the compounding effect of working 21 days a week for a month, a year, or a decade. Or for the rest of your life. Now compare that to people you compete against who look at their days as a single 24‐hour block of time. In my mind, I’m living more than 1,000 days in the same timeframe as others who think of themselves as living in a 365‐day year.
Who has the advantage? You already know the answer.
I am a living example of what this strategy can do for you, and my results have been pretty good so far.
- Approach Time with a Greater Sense of Urgency
The German philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer once said, “The common man is not concerned about the passage of time, the man of talent is driven by it.” Do you want to be common, or do you want to be a person of talent? Urgency is the key. From my experience, there is a direct correlation between how fast you’ll run versus how close you are to the finish line. If you watch distance runners in a race, why does the last lap or leg of the race invariably produce some of the race’s fastest times? In a 26‐mile marathon, you keep a steady pace. As you get closer to the finish line, your adrenaline kicks in, and you find another gear. You push yourself because you’re closer to completing your task and crossing that finish line. That produces a release of endorphins, and you feel that warm and positive rush. Now think about running a 100‐meter race. It’s a flat‐out sprint from start to finish. You approach the race with maximum urgency. A different mindset is required to do your best. Your body and your brain respond to a different set of stimuli.
It’s not that people approach life with a lack of vision that causes them to fail. It’s the type of vision they call on to get them across the finish line. Your depth perception affects your ability to summon that sense of urgency required to perform better. When the goal is further away, you jog toward that goal. When it’s right in front of you, it’s a sprint. Here’s another example. You’re a student who is assigned a major project at the beginning of the semester with a deadline toward the end of the semester. Do you jump on that project immediately? Most put that project on cruise control. They quietly slip it onto the top shelf of their life, knowing that they’ll deal with it later. That is until the deadline starts to creep up.
At some point, panic, fear, dread, thoughts of “I hate college,” and “I think I’ll just become a bartender”, kick in. But if you had attacked that project with a sense of urgency as soon as possible, the looming shadow, the boogieman, the beast you’re facing, would be reduced to almost nothing.
If you apply this thinking to everything you do throughout the day, week, or year, you’ll get more done and enjoy a sense of accomplishment that others only dream about.
- Learn How to Control Time Instead of Time Controlling You
When you manage your time with a sense of urgency, you become the master instead of the servant. Moving faster puts you in control of your time more often than not. You have a sense of urgency, but you also have a greater say in what you think is important. That lets you spend more time on what’s meaningful and rewarding to you.
Controlling your time is a mindset that should turn on as soon as your brain wakes up in the morning. If your mind is in the right place, controlling your time will start even before your feet hit the floor in the morning. As you’re waking up, your brain is already planning your day. Do you pay attention to what those first thoughts of the day are? The first 30 minutes of your day are critical.
Think about the “timely” words of British statesman Lord Chesterfield: “Take care of the minutes, and the hours will take care of themselves.” How you approach the first 30 minutes of your day will set the tone for the balance of the hours to follow. That means staying away from your phone, computer, television, or any other forms of input that can distract you from what’s important in your life. Instead, use that 30 minutes to plan out your day; review your meetings, phone calls, and projects; create priorities, meditate, pray, stretch, practice equanimity, reaffirm your standards, and update yourself on your goals.
Before your brain becomes cluttered with people, events, and information of the day, it has a chance to focus. Your brain receives the message that you’re in control instead of the world controlling you. You’re better able to start the day filled with confidence and the purposes that you choose. Of course, surprises, changes, and redirection will spring up throughout the day. You react accordingly. But when you’re not dealing with the unexpected, you’re in greater control and working toward your life goals instead of reacting to everyone else.
In other words, dictate the terms of your day, or your day will dictate those terms for you.
- Measure Your Performance Often
Where performance is measured, performance improves. Close proximity to measurement is critical. Every leading motivational and organization expert from Zig Ziglar to Peter Drucker builds this idea into their foundational strategies for a simple reason.
Measuring performance works.
As you shrink your timeframes and increase your urgency, you also need to shrink the intervals of how often you measure your performance. If you don’t take time to measure, you’ll have a more difficult time course‐ correcting. That leads to inefficiency and wasted time.
Just make sure you’re measuring the right things. Be clear on your goals, priorities, and standards. Understand how they work in concert with each other. Learn to identify not only weaknesses but the potential sources of those weaknesses.
Legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden put it into perspective, saying, “If you don’t have the time to do it right, when will you have the time to do it again?” Wooden was a stickler for doing things the right way, right down to how his players tied their shoes. He fine‐tuned every technique and process on his teams for years, accepting only one standard and measuring the interim steps almost daily.
If your goal is to run a five‐minute mile or to bump up your sales by 50 percent or your income by $50,000, how will you know if you’re reaching these goals unless you look at the numbers? Anything less, and you’re just throwing darts and hoping you’ll hit your targets.
Average people assess themselves once or twice a year. But only making New Year’s resolutions is not appropriate for One More thinkers. Top performers measure themselves monthly or weekly.
Do you take stock of your week’s accomplishments on a Friday evening? Do you take stock and set your plans for the coming week on a Sunday evening? The top performers, the One More thinkers, go through this process daily.
There’s even one more level beyond daily measurements. Some people measure themselves hourly. The most elite have an internal mechanism that is triggered with urgency. I have trained myself to do this, and I’m not lying when I tell you, as hard as it sounds, this discipline has served me well. Think for a moment. Who’s going to do better? The person who shrinks their measurement interval or the person who rarely measures where they’re at? You already know this answer, too.
- Focus on the Future
Too many people are stuck in the past. That kills their ability to be productive in the present. And robs them of making plans for the future. The past is gone forever, but until you let go of it, the past is a thief and steals your ability to dream and imagine. You need to spend time thinking about your future because that’s where you’re heading. You must also stay connected to the present because that’s how you build a better future.
It drives me nuts when I see so many people stuck in a loop of how their lives would be different today, “if only” that one big thing had been different. People getting out of bad relationships or trying to distance themselves from poor family dynamics are particularly vulnerable to past thinking.
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t address the trauma of your past. You must find a way to process it and move forward. If you can’t, the only person you’re hurting is you and the people you care about right now.
Conversely, don’t fall into the trap of falling in love with your past if you’ve had great things happen, whether you earned an advanced college degree, got a big job promotion, got married, and so on. Those things are nice, but if you rest on those laurels too much, you’re still not living in the present and building a better future. As Coco Chanel once said, “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door.”
One More thinkers have the innate ability to spend time dreaming and imagining about their future while taking decisive actions in the present to shape what lies ahead.
Changing Others’ Perception of You
When you incorporate the Five Principles of Time Management into your life, how others see you is going to change, too. When people see you’re no longer wasting time, they begin to not waste your time. They see you’re also no longer spending too much time taking care of other people’s priorities because you’re too focused on taking care of your own.
At work, you need to be reasonable about this. Find a way to make your employer’s goals your goals and blend the two to create harmony.
Your friends, family, and co‐workers will understand that you’re in an attack mode in your life instead of a react mode. They will respect you, and your relationships with them will be redefined. It’s an added benefit that alters your life because your newfound time management is actually newfound life management.
Also, as you change your approach to time, you’ll be open to meeting new like‐minded people and embark on new projects and adventures you may have thought were just a pipe dream.
Let me leave you with this one final thought about time from Charles Darwin. “A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life.”
Stop wasting time and start bending time to your advantage to get on with the …
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WHY IS MY CHILD IN CHARGE? CLAIRE LERNER INTERVIEW | Child Development Specialist.
https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/
Claire Lerner CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than eighteen years. Lerner has been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. She also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Lerner is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers. Lerner is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and stepmom of two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Bethesda, Maryland, with her husband and two dogs.
CLARIE LHNER
[00:00:00] Best Book Bits podcast brings you Claire Lerner, a child development specialist with over 30 years of experience working in the trenches with families. She’s the author of the book, why Is My Child In Charge, which we will be talking about today. Claire, thank you for being on the show. Thrilled to be here.
Thanks for having me. No worries. Now tell me how you got started as a clinical social worker and a psychotherapist, beginning your career as a family therapist. Take us back and what made you starting that career? I always loved kids and I was fascinated about. Development and how we became, the adult humans we become and what the roots of that are.
And also really helping parents understand that from the get-go because at some point early on, I did some work with teenagers and as I started to do histories and try and understand how these problems evolved that were. Much more serious when it came to adolescence, and I started to uncover [00:01:00] all sorts of patterns and signs from very early on where if parents had understood what those behaviors meant and had better tools for supporting their children in their emotional regulation, in their ability to cope with challenges in their building of their self-esteem, and.
Confidence that a lot of those problems could have been prevented. And so I became very passionate about and focused on really starting with the youngest ones and supporting parents in having those insights and those tools. Yeah, absolutely. And there is no catch you on the show today. I’ve got two small kids myself.
I’ve got a four year old and a little girl going on too as well. And I can tell you parenting is very challenging. They don’t teach you how to make children. That’s natural. But parenting is one of those things that it’s like you get thrown in the deep end. You try to replicate what you were taught, as your parents taught you, or how your parents raised you [00:02:00] and how your family did as well.
But it’s just one of those issues that I’m now reaching out to experts like yourself to find out how can I improve parenting? It is this relationship as well. Talk to me about zero to three. What is zero to three and what’s your what do you do with that organiz? So zero to Three is a large national nonprofit that is devoted to promoting the healthy development of babies and toddlers.
And so they do that by educating parents, by educating and supporting professionals. So that could be anybody from a pediatrician. To a childcare provider anybody who is in some way influencing the life of a young child. And then they also do a lot of policy work to encourage legislation that supports families with young children and gives them the supports and the resources they need to help their kids get off to the healthiest start.
and I actually no longer work for zero to three, [00:03:00] but I was there for 22 years. And it was a major foundation of my, my professional development and my understanding of the science behind. Early childhood and how to best understand what children need to thrive that I now implement every day when I’m in the trenches with families.
At zero to three, I was doing a lot of training. I was writing a lot about the translation of the science to actual practical parenting skills, and now I’m back in the trenches with families, every day Really puzzling through you. Why is my child in charge? Why is bedtime three hours? Why can’t I get my child to agree to get dressed in the morning and get in their car seat?
Why will they not sit at the table and eat a meal? So I’m basically using that foundation and that knowledge to inform my practice every day. Yeah. And that’s something we’ll deep dive onto is today as well. [00:04:00] When did the book come out and what made you motivate to write this particular book?
Why is My Child in Charge and I love the title by the way. Definitely grabbed me because my children are in charge and I want to be in charge. So yeah. Tell us a bit about why you wrote the book. Let me just say, To give credit where credit is due. I did not come up with the title. I have a very brilliant close friend who’s done a lot of work in communications and when she interviewed me about why I wrote the book and what problem I was seeking to solve, she was able to like just distill it down to, oh, so the kids are in charge and the parents are really struggling with that.
Credit to Leslie Rotenberg, my close friend who came up with that. Why I wrote the book is a really good question. Because as as any parent knows, this field is like flooded with a caffe of voices and content and blogs and Instagram and. Thousands and thousands of experts providing [00:05:00] guidance on how to get a child to sleep, right?
How to get them to cooperate, how to get them to stop. engaging in sibling rivalry and the many many maddening things that happened in the early years. So I never intended to add, right? I if I was going to write a book, it was going to be because it was additive. And what happened was in my practice as parents would come to see me, sharing with me these very vexing challenges often.
Were rooted in power struggles. It was a just a power struggle over everything. Screen time suites, bedtime routines getting through morning routines to get to school. It was endless. And as I tried to figure out where were the pitfalls, like where were things going off the rails, why was it hard for parents to set and enforce a clear limit that.
In a quiet moment, they knew [00:06:00] was an important limit. Like they know that kids running around the house at 11 o’clock at night. It’s not a healthy thing. But somehow two books turned into five books turned into 10 books turned into sleeping in mom and dad’s bed, even though that’s not where mom and dad want them and I.
in seeking to understand what the root cause was, because just guidance is rarely helpful. Do this, take these five steps to get your child to stop having a tantrum. Take these five steps to get your child to sleep at night, are rarely helpful because they’re formulaic. , they don’t take into consideration the unique child.
They don’t take into consideration the parents and their context and their beliefs and values or the whole context of the family. And so I. , I started to really in the trenches, figure out with each individual family where things were going awry, and what I identified in that process were eight key [00:07:00] consistent mindsets that led parents down a path to just pa perpetual power struggles and in helping parents.
Tune into those mindsets, become aware of them, and help them make important mind shifts, which of course we can dive into. That was the key that unlocked their ability to be the parent they wanted to be, to thread this seemingly elusive needle of being that loving, warm, connected, validating parent. while also setting the clear limits and boundaries Kids need to thrive.
Like I’ve never met a family where absent limits and boundaries were happy and joyful. Like it’s just not possible because then parents are just stressed and exhausted and angry and frustrated all the time, and that infects the whole family. And of course, all that does. Is [00:08:00] breed more acting out because the system is stressed.
There’s no clear limits or boundaries to help scaffold the child learning to make good choices. And , that’s when I decided to write the book because I felt like it was adding, it was offering a new insight that I didn’t see out there. And so that is what the book does. It lays out, as from having read it, these eight key mindsets and with tons of stories from the trenches about.
These mindsets lead to increased distress and power struggles and how making the mind shifts when you apply it to sleep feeding, tantrums. All the chapters that I go into showing families how changing your mindset enables you to create a, an approach. [00:09:00] To. Being that loving parent while you’re also able to help kids get to sleep on time, to have the evening, you need to have to refuel to get yourself to work and your child to school on time to help them manage their big emotions when they can’t get what they want, when they want it.
So That’s why I wrote the book. Yeah. Ex thank you for expanding that and Wow. Yeah. Three decades of working in the trenches with family. Is It definitely shows and one of the biggest joys of being a parent is when both kids are asleep at night and you can sit back and relax, have a cup of tea, and watch some tv or read a book and go, ah, the day is over.
It’s like a being a parent, it’s like having two jobs. One, you go out and work for the money and the other one is just to make sure you’re managing a household. And it definitely is stressful. And one of the things you said, Which I love from the book was, it was about the parent changing the mindset because at the end of the day, the child doesn’t know any different.
They don’t know there’s a problem. They don’t know their caus in all this stress for the parent. At the end of the day, it’s if the parent can change their mind shift and implement some [00:10:00] tools and some strategies and some things that work to balance that out. And at the end of the day, it is a relat.
Between the parent and the child too, which will deep dive into that in a second. But one of the first complaints and the most common complaints you get is my child won’t listen. My wife, he pulls her hair out cuz my son, my four-year-old son doesn’t listen to her, but he listens to me. You know what do we do?
Basically? What? What’s the question? Why won’t children listen to their parents first? I would reframe. and think of it as, it’s not necessarily the child isn’t listening and that may be an issue, like they may actually not be tuned into what you’re saying, and that’s one issue we can address. But more often than not, what parents are really saying is, my child’s not cooperating.
Like they may be listening that I’ve said it’s time to clean up toys, or it’s time to get in the car seat, or it’s time to get ready for bed, but they’re. Getting with the program and taking action to follow through. And that’s often when parents are playing. My child won’t listen. I’ve told him 50 times, if he doesn’t do [00:11:00] X, Y, or Z I’m taking away, there’s no PAW Patrol.
I don’t know if they have Paw Patrol in Australia, but it’s a very popular show here. And It, that is really the problem that’s at play for most parents. So I will say that there are times when a child literally is tuned out and they haven’t processed the direction. So there’s different strategies.
If that’s the issue, then that’s pretty simple. You make sure you go, you make eye contact, you get on their eye level, right? And you say, Michael, I know you’re. So much fun playing this video game, but it’s time now to put it down and to get ready for bed, and I’m gonna help you do that. So that’s step one is that you just make sure that they’re not diverted and that they are actually processing the direction, because that’s one foundational problem, right?
Is that your child hasn’t even processed the direction. And then part two is whether they actually. With the [00:12:00] direction. So when it comes to cooperation, here was my major insight. That is one of the mindsets I focus on most in the book because I would say almost 99, if not a hundred percent of parents who come to see me, and I’ve seen thousands of families over the years.
The main issue at play is that the parents, All of their strategies. Are focused on trying to get the child to change their mind and change their behavior, and that’s the one thing you have no control over. Like this is the most humbling thing that nobody warns you about when you become a parent. We come into parenting thinking, we’re gonna make our child do this.
We’re gonna make them go to bed. We’re gonna make them pee and poop on the potty. We’re gonna make them, and we have the power to do that. But the fact is. They are human beings, like they are the only ones on [00:13:00] earth who control what they say and what they do, right? You can’t like mind meld with your child and get them agree to pick their body up and come to the table or to get into the car seat or to stop having a tantrum.
You what? What parents control is the situation, meaning how they scaffold. And how they respond. So what’s happening when there’s a lack of cooperation is parents are nagging, cajoling, bribing, trying to use logic. Don’t you want to be awake tomorrow and have so much fun and have energy? So don’t you wanna go to sleep now?
And the kid’s no, not really. I’m good. I’m gonna be up for the next few hours. So or we nag and nag. And they obfuscate. And they obfuscate. And that. the most maddening scenario for parents because they end up feeling oh my God, like how is it like I run a corporation?
I [00:14:00] literally supervise 500 people. So effectively, how is it that my three-year-old is literally running the house like bedtime is now three hours? Because he won’t accept a limit on books or a limit on cuddle time. So the mind shift to make is to stop trying to control your. Because that’s the one thing you can’t make happen.
And let me just for fun so your listeners know they’re not alone. This is this recent example just completely illustrates the problem of parenting by trying to get your kid to change their mind through threats or bribes or rewards. So this. completely vaxxed at bedtime with his three and a half year old who refuses to stay in her room, right?
She’s gone from the crib to the toddler bed and all hell is broken loose because now she knows she can get out of the room. And so they’ve tried everything. It’s nag, bribe, threaten in and out of the room 50 times and it’s 10 [00:15:00] o’clock at night and the parents are exhausted and angry, and everybody is suffering.
and and it’s eroding their relationship. It’s like the one time of day parents have to feel connected to their kids, right? To go through a beautiful bedtime routine and really enjoy it. And these parents are miserable. And it’s, this is very true for many families who come to see me, which is why I share the story.
So finally the dad uses his Trump card and he literally says, if you don’t stay in your room, I’m taking your. Okay. Like her favorite doll in her bed, and this little three and a half year old turns around. She walks into her room. She doesn’t just grab the levee, she grabs all of her dolls and she hands ’em to her dad.
So you see it’s have at it. Knock yourself out. What else do you got? She’s basically saying, Take the doll. I’m still not gonna stay in my room. So you see it, [00:16:00] the kids are in it often for the power, and knowing that you want something from them becomes fodder for their power. They’re not sociopaths.
They’re amazing human beings who already. Being sentient, being sometimes for only 24 to 36 months have already figured out what they want and how to get it, because they’re very strategic. From reading the book, another mind shift is not senior child is like a fascist dictator, manipulator.
Their strategic, they want what they want. There’s nothing wrong with that. That’s in their dna, and they’re going to use any tool to get it. So if they wanna stay out of their room and running around the house, they are going to do whatever they need to do or whatever they can do to make that happen.
It’s up to the parent to. A strategy and a limit that doesn’t allow that strategy to work. So [00:17:00] we have to stop trying to convince them to cooperate because they may never get convinced. They may keep upping the ante. You wanna focus on what you control. So in this scenario, what got this family recalibrated and was life changing, was basically saying, ma.
We love each other. We love our bedtime routine. It’s always hard to say goodnight. We totally get it. It’s never gonna be enough books. It’s never gonna feel like enough cuddle time. You’re gonna wanna stay up all night. We totally get it. We don’t blame you. We don’t expect you to like our rule. But as your mom and dad, were in charge of safety and health, and so we’re gonna explain to you exactly what to expect.
Remember, you’re not trying to convince. , you’re just explaining cuz you’re a great parent. What’s gonna happen? We’re gonna read this many books. We’re gonna cuddle for this long. [00:18:00] We’re gonna say our special mantra and then we’re gonna say goodnight. And your job is just to get your body to sleep, which you’re so good at.
And the one rule is you need to stay in your room. Because it’s not healthy to come running in and out all night. The doctor said it’s very important that you stay in your room, so your two great choices are to stay in your room and the door can stay open. That’s one great option. Option two is, You come out, no problem.
We escort you back in one time. And here’s our door helper. And door helper, which is basically some way to create a boundary so the child can’t come running in and out. And door helper is our helper and she helps you stay in your room. That’s it. You decide what’s better for Matilda? Is it better for you to have your door open and stay in your room?
That’s one option. Or is it better to use door helper? You decide. So you see the whole shift is. , I love you. I’m an amazing parent. I’m setting a really important limit [00:19:00] because it’s the absence of the limit that is damaging to kids and families. It’s not the limit, it’s the absence of it that creates this chaos and these power struggles.
So I’m not saying it was easy, the parents had to follow through. They sat on the other side of the door humming. They just told her, I’m gonna listen to some music. They didn’t respond to her because that just keeps the interaction going. She. Yelled and screamed and banged at the door. They stayed calm.
They were the rock. They kept, they stuck with the limit and within two nights she was a champion sleeper. She understood that this was the limit and it was life changing. They, there was more love between them. They enjoyed their nighttime ritual instead of like dread. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
They could enjoy books, they could enjoy cuddle time. The parents had their time to refuel, have their glass of wine, watch their episode of succession, and now you have a happy family. But it’s [00:20:00] all it. You need to come up with a plan. that gives your child choices within limits, and if they can’t make the healthy choice, then you need a strategy to ensure that it happens.
That if they don’t hand the iPad over, you say, no problem. I’ll be a helper. And you take it as calmly as you can. You let them have their meltdown. You acknowledge that it’s really tough, and if they need space to be upset, no problem. So let me stop because I know that’s a lot. No, it’s great. No, just to recap to go back.
I like how you said get their full attention, get down to their level as well. Maybe even change the environment as well. So get their full attention, get down to their level. And then you talk about corporation as well. So we can’t change their behavior, but what we can do is communicate in a way that, that.
It is firm. It is loving, it’s understanding. Don’t be too analytical about it. I like the thing about giving two choice. So with my kids as well, let’s say my kid wants lawyers all the time and he wants [00:21:00] something that he’s not allowed to have, but he give ’em another opportunity. He can’t have that. But how about this?
And how about that? Our brains are very specific. We work with the information that we give. So if you don’t give them an alternative, that’s just gonna stick with that one alternative. 50% of the time they’ll go for something else. And one thing that I’ve really found as well with parenting, you need to tell your child what’s going on or what’s happening, or you recap the day and how they’ve been like, get, they, they have to process information as well, is to help them process things as well.
We’re processing the next steps. We’re going to bed to do this, we’re gonna do that. We’re gonna have some milk, we’re gonna read, we’re gonna do that and then tomorrow and get ’em excited about tomorrow we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do that. And what do they do today? So you gotta get their. Off the moment now, take ’em back into the past, let ’em recalibrate the day, consolidate memories, talk about tomorrow again.
I’m excited about that. And then just go through that natural routine of, bedtime, putting them down and all that stuff too. So yeah, as a parent, I’m finding the more you interact with your child as a relationship as well, and as a human, we. I think that’s the way to go as [00:22:00] well.
But yeah, a lot, lots to unpack of what you just said. Then the other big issue I think a lot of parents face as well, it’s like meltdowns, big emotions, tantrums children that just explode through there. And yes, we have highly sensitive children, which you can touch on as well, and why that’s a little bit different, but how do we deal with meltdowns?
How do we deal with tantrums and how do we deal with peak emotions as parents? So I think that this is where, like that important mind. It needs to take place in order to be able to effectively manage the meltdown in a way that again, threads that needle of being loving and being your child’s rock, while also creating boundaries.
So the first mind shift is like your child is not melting down on purpose. There is so much brain science now that shows that when the child is triggered by an emotional reaction, [00:23:00] which could be something unexpected happens, you show up to pick them up from preschool when they expected grandma. They want, they wanted their sandwich cut in this direction, and you cut it in this direction, right?
You put their chicken too close to the rice. It could be anything. You’re not giving them another episode of their favorite show when they’re triggered into upset mode. Their, what we call their downstairs brain takes over. So even though your child knows, like you’ve told them about the limit, or they know that it’s not okay to grab from their little brother or sister, or you’ve prepared them that you’re going to the grocery store and you’re not gonna be getting chocolate.
And they’re great about it in theory, until they actually see the chocolate and then, They want the chocolate. And when you say that’s not an option, they get triggered. And when they get triggered from their downstairs brain, which is their impulsive, reactive [00:24:00] brain, right? The frontal cortex the upstairs brain is the part of their brain that enables kids to calm themselves, manage their emotions, think through their feelings.
during the tantrum, they’re flooded with emotion and that frontal cortex is not working, and so they’re losing it. And sometimes it can become physical. Sometimes it’s just they’re throwing themselves on the floor. But the first thing to remind yourself is, I have a great kid. Having a difficult moment.
That’s what I really encourage my parents to think of it as. Whatever your expectation now that they were gonna be able to manage not getting an extra sweet after dinner or not getting an extra book at bedtime, they’re not able to manage in that moment. It’s too hard for them. So you wanna have compassion for that.
These are hard things to learn to accept. At the same time, you want to not. [00:25:00] Delve in and. What I would say is the biggest pitfall for most parents is that they’ve gotten from social media and from reading a lot about child development, that kids need compassion. They need empathy. They need you to validate their emotions not to judge their feelings, right?
Like you could get on board with why would a child be happy that you’re limiting bedtime? Who’s gonna be happy about that? So you acknowledge. That feels uncomfortable or is a disappointment. But then you also need to set the limit and allow space for the meltdown. And that’s often where the problems actually take place, is that parents are often doing too much in that moment.
They wanna talk to their child, they wanna get them to talk about their feelings, and it’s overwhelming to the child in that moment. They’re doing it out of love. But [00:26:00] in, in reality. It’s only adding oxygen and dysregulating often the child more, or they’re trying to talk their child out of it. They’re trying to use logic. You got chocolate last time and you al already had chocolate this morning. The child’s brain is not in a rational state at that moment. So the more you try to use logic, I get video every day from families so I can actually see what goes on in their homes so I can really tune into what these parents are dealing with.
And I see every day kids, the parents like, I know you’re really upset. I’m not upset. Stop telling me, it’s time to take your deep belly breast. And they’re like, stop telling me. Then you take belly. in that moment. What they need is, I know it’s a tough moment. It’s really hard when you expected we could go to the playground and we can’t.
I totally get it. If you need space to be unhappy about it, it’s totally fine. [00:27:00] I can help you calm, I can help you find something else to do. But if you can’t do that right now, no problem. And then you just give them space. The more you try to make it all better, talk about their feelings, try and get them to problem solve or.
Or minimize their feelings, make them feel like they’re overreacting, the worse it gets. So tantrums are be to be expected. Your kid’s not misbehaving, they’re not spoiled. They’re a great kid having a hard time managing some kind of limit. They need you to hold the limit because that’s what helps kids eventually learn.
To adapt and to be flexible, and that’s when you start to see the reduction in tantrum. So they need you to completely validate, but also hold the limit and give them space to weather the storm so that when they do calm down, you’re like, Wow, bud. That [00:28:00] was tough. That was really hard. You really wanted that extra episode, and it wasn’t possible, and you were able to calm yourself and be flexible.
What would you like to do now? Yeah. It’s perfect. That’s I can’t add too much to that. . It is hard being a parent with . Tell me this, right? So parents come to you about their kids, but they’re really coming to you about themselves. What do parents want? Mostly? Is it a decrease in stress, the environment, more sleep.
They want a plus kids. What do parents really want from your experience working with not kids for three decades, but parents, what do parents really want from you? What they want is they want to be really empathetic, connected. Parents, they wanna be close to their kids. They want a strong bond.
They want to respect them, they want to give them choices. Like those messages from the last 20 or 30 [00:29:00] years as the brain science really exploded and we started to understand how deeply feeling young kids were and how deeply they are. Did by their early experiences and how important the quality of the relationship is to make them feel good about themselves, to let them know that all feelings are welcome, all feelings matter.
That message has gotten across, and parents really want that, and they’re doing a great job of that. In those quiet moments, the challenge becomes especially with this sort of gentle parenting movement, What I see in my practice is that it they’ve, the parents have misinterpreted the messages and they’ve bifurcated these ideas of love and limits.
It’s almost like I’m either loving my child and we’re connecting and we’re bonding or. I’m being mean and setting limits and like doing [00:30:00] something they don’t like or taking something away from them they don’t like or limiting something they wanna do. And that’s like the mean, bad parent that causes stress in my child.
That makes me feel bad because I don’t want him to feel stressed. I want him to be happy all the time. and so they don’t get comfortable with the limit, part of the love. So what I’m helping parents do is see that it’s hard to be the loving parent you wanna be if you’re not in charge. Like being in charge isn’t being a fascist dictator telling your kids what to do, telling them to go to their room when they’re not getting with the program.
That’s not what this is. This. kids need limits and boundaries so that they’re safe and healthy and they go to bed on time and they get to school on time and they can’t be destructive. And there is a way to do it. It’s all the way you do it if you [00:31:00] do it in a loving way. In some of the examples I’ve already given, right.
That is loving. That’s like your child isn’t gonna say thank you so much for limiting screen time. So my mind and body can do more fortifying things. Like they’re never gonna say that, but it’s what they need. So you don’t wanna you don’t want to judge your limits based on your child’s reaction.
They’re not gonna like it because you’re limiting something that they want. So what I’m really helping parents do is get comfortable being that loving parent they wanna be while they’re setting limits, because it’s the parents who get comfortable with that. Don’t misinterpret the distress as being harmful to their child.
That’s the, just their child saying, I don’t like that. You’re not getting me a toy at Target. Okay, why should they be happy about it? But your response is, I know Charlie, it’s really hard when you can’t get something you want. I totally get it and [00:32:00] I feel you. , but today is not a day. We’re getting a toy, and if I need to help you get into the cart and calmly get into the cart, no problem.
I’ll be a helper. And you stay their rock and you set the limit and they survive what they didn’t think they could survive. And then you are building the resilience and the grit. , and that’s what those parents want. When you ask me what parents want, they want to be connected to their kids, and they also want their kids to have resilience and grit and be able to muscle through challenges and manage losing and manage the failure.
That only happens with limits. If you always let your child win a game so that they’re happy, that child is never going to be happy because you’re not helping prepare them for real life where they’re. Not always going to be the winner. They’re not always gonna get what they want. So when I’m really helping as parents see that I can get them to their [00:33:00] end goal.
But it’s hard work, as you say, Michael, because mostly because it requires tolerating a lot of pushback and knowing how to do that in a way that is gentle and calm and loving. Yeah, said. Thank you for that. The biggest issue we’ve got in our household. Dinner time or eat in. Why won’t the kids eat what we want them to eat?
That’s good for them? And why do they continually want to eat crap and shit and all this stuff? What, what’s going on with children and eating? How do we overcome this? Or is it just a phase or ? That’s the biggest one. We want them to be healthy and nutritious. We know what’s good for them but they seem to be okay living off crap.
So how do we help that situation for parents and kids and meet somewhere in. What’s what’s some advice on that? So again, like if you think about it, I don’t know about you, but like I would eat, salt and vinegar, potato chips, the entire bag every day after lunch if I wasn’t an adult and knew that wasn’t really terrible for me.
So again, like mind shift, [00:34:00] these are not kids who are being bad or misbehaving. They want what they want and they are going to. The things that taste good to them, which are often going to be, the salty things, the sweet things. It, it depends. So that’s just one thing is you wanna, again, recalibrate.
Like when you are feeling like your child’s manipulative or they’re working your last nerve, or they’re purposefully, trying to manipulate you, it’s gonna put you in a harsh, negative state of mind. and you’re going to respond to it in a way that only gets your child’s haunches up and turns it into a big power struggle.
So that’s one thing. The other thing I would say about food, and it’s a complex, tricky subject that we don’t have like ample time to really dig deep into, but it’s important to. help all of your listeners know that it is very important to tune into whether this is really a real sensory based issue or whether it’s just a power struggle.
What I mean by that is [00:35:00] there are some kids who would enjoy a range of foods if they were presented to them and there were limits, right? So those are the kids where the way it works best is you say to them, I know you would like to eat potato chips and french fries and chicken nuggets all day long.
Totally get it. I’m not trying to convince you not to like that or to like our rule, but since we are in charge of health and those aren’t healthy foods, This is what we’re giving you for dinner. These are your choices. And I, on my website, I’ve got a lot of articles about this. I have a whole chapter in the book about it.
But you set the limit and you make the other things extras, and you basically say, these are growing foods. We’re never gonna force you to eat. Because forcing eating is almost always a recipe for. Much [00:36:00] bigger eating problems and much more digging. There’s a lot of research that shows that the more you try and control your kids’ eating, the more you try and get them to eat, the less they eat because it just becomes a power struggle and they weaponize it.
I’ll only come to the dinner table and eat that if you let me bring my tablet. And as one dad said, they extort you because they figured out you want them to eat so badly, you will pretty much do anything. So instead, you. We’re gonna have a family meal. Our job is to give you growing foods. This is the minimum amount of growing foods that your body needs in order to be able to have an extra, okay.
We’re not forcing you to eat. If you choose not to eat the growing foods, no problem. You can choose and usually I I would I do think it’s helpful to, to have them get an extra, but the extra would maybe be strawberries or blueberry. So if they choose not to eat the minimum amount of growing foods, that’s an option.
If they do eat the minimum [00:37:00] amount of growing foods, then they get to choose and then you give them a choice of whatever you think is appropriate, right? The cookie, a handful of potato chips, whatever the extra is so that you’re teaching them. There’s like a natural consequence, but you’re not forcing. It goes back to the two great choices.
You’re two great choices are this. If you choose to eat the growing foods, which we’re not making you do, but if you choose that you do get an extra because your body has gotten the growing foods they need. If you choose not to eat the growing foods, no problem. That’s your choice. We’re never gonna make you eat.
Only you can decide what you put in your mouth, but then the extra. Is a fruit choice. You decide, and then, so what I’m trying to do is get parents out of the power struggle because when you’re bribing, cajoling threatening, all it does, especially for the really fierce kids, is they’re in for the fight and they will go to the nth degree to show you that you’re not the boss of them.[00:38:00]
There are kids who have sensory issues around food that are real, like they’re not making it up. They have real aversions. Sometimes it’s to smell, sometimes it’s to taste, sometimes it’s to texture, and. If you sense that your child has a real sensory aversion, it’s very important to explore that either with an occupational therapist are usually the best suited in our area.
There are a lot of occupational therapists who. Work with kids through a very fun intervention where they’re exposing them and helping their systems get comfortable with these foods, which is why we never force no matter what. But some kids need more exposure and more help getting comfortable with foods that they initially are reversed to.
Sometimes it’s the way they look. and that’s an important underlying issue you really want to [00:39:00] understand before you do any kind of intervention around food. And let me just say that in my book and in my, on my website, I do talk a lot about that, for those of you who want to learn more and at the end of the day, yeah, thank you for sharing that.
It made a lot of sense. I like the idea of giving them two choices and talking about growing foods. Then if they don’t want to eat that, give ’em an option, which is still good as well. Kids are just kids and kids are gonna grow. When does it, when do you stop working with children and parents?
Is it up to the ages? Was it six, was it, or, I think I, right now I cut it off at seven only because at least in my area in DC there are a lot of clinicians who work with older kids, elementary school agent above. There are not a lot who work with very young children. And because there is such demand, I have.
Cut it off at seven. So I cancer the families of the younger kids. Yeah. Understand. One last one, last questions might be an odd one and people might not talk about it, but what about a [00:40:00] child that gets anger and rage and just lashes out and hits parents or just in those moments of frustrations? Especially the mother, not the father, but, what do we do as parents when a kid becomes not violent, but they, they.
And it’s hang on a second. We gotta put a, we gotta put a stop to this. What do we do as parents to do with rage and anger? So I’m gonna answer that in a sec. I just wanna say that while I end at seven, just for people who are listening, I, the content I put out, while my stories may be of younger kids, , almost always, they are very applicable, like the same mind shifts, the same roadmap.
I’m offering The process of how do I respond and scaffold this moment to support my child is very applicable, definitely to elementary school kids and even to older kids. So I just wanna put that out there. So you’re raising a really important issue, Michael. And actually it’s like a major conundrum for many parents who come to see me because [00:41:00] what they’ve heard is that you all like you have to stay connected.
So you can like creating space or giving your child a break. I don’t even call it timeout anymore, and I’ll explain that. I is detrimental to your child and harmful to them because you’re giving them the message that like, I don’t care about your feelings. Go away. I don’t like you right now. That is not the case at all.
It’s all the way you do it. And the reason I raise it is because if you have a child who’s a really big reactor and gets triggered to the point that their body is literally acting before their brain, that’s the way I talk about it with kids and parents that. , you’re a great kid having a difficult moment, and your feelings are so big and overwhelming that your body is acting before your brain.
I know you don’t mean to hit or kick or spit or whatever they’re doing. You really want in a [00:42:00] quiet moment, not in the heat of the moment, in a quiet, because in the heat of the moment, their brain is. They just need a boundary and space to get back to calm. So in, not in the heat of the moment, if you have a kid who’s a big reactor like that, the messages they need to hear are, we adore you, we are your people.
We get you. We know that you are a deeply feeling person, and that sometimes when your feelings are so big, your body acts before your brain and you do not mean to be hurtful at the same time. We need to make sure that we keep you safe. I make the focus on the child, not on protecting everybody else from them because that’s very triggering and very shaming and it doesn’t help.
They don’t end up learning the lesson because they’re so overcome with shame that they can’t even think clearly. So I’m saying to the child, I know you don’t mean it. I still need to help you be. Because we can’t do things with our body [00:43:00] that are hurtful or make other people feel uncomfortable. So here’s what we’re gonna do.
When your body is acting before your brain, I’m always gonna give you a chance to. to do something else that is not harmful. So my go-to is always, do you need to hit? Great. Here’s a punching bag to hit. Do you need to kick? Here? Are things you can kick? Do you need to pull? Do you need to spit? Here’s a bowl.
Like literally, I know you don’t mean to do that. Let me help you find something else if that works. Awesome. gold star parenting. You’ve said, I get you. I’m not gonna let you do that. I can’t let you be hurtful. I’m gonna help you find another way If that doesn’t work right, the belly breaths, the, the having them jump up and down 10 times, they can’t access it.
They can’t take advantage. You say, I know, but I’m gonna be a helper. We’re gonna take a safe space break. And basically what the safe space is it can be their room because. Not punishment you. This is a space you set up with them with beanbag [00:44:00] chairs and a kitty tent and exercise bands tied to bed posts where they can pull it and let it go and everything made by Nerf and all sorts of fidgets and beanbag things.
And you’re basically saying this is your magical, amazing space where when your body is acting before your brain, you can be to do whatever you need to do in a safe way. , I like. This is for situations where like you, your presence is not helpful, right? Like you go there with them and if you can be there as a safecom presence, great.
But a lot of the families report that. The child is so wound up that they’re continuing to punch at and spit and clot their parents. That’s detrimental. That is not a helpful situation for anyone. Parents are only human. It is so triggering that. I don’t know any parent who can stay calm in control [00:45:00] when their child, when they’re literally being attacked, they need to beat their rock.
And the only way to do that is to create a boundary. So I just, parents go on the other side of the door and they hum and they just say a mantra so the child knows they’re there and you’re creating a boundary to prevent. , like literal, physical, back and forth, that is so detrimental to kids and families where parents are like begging and pleading kids to stop scratching, hitting, punching, kicking, and the child literally can’t.
So it’s an unrealistic expectation. So I find that’s my version. of taking a break, and it has been lifesaving to many of the families I worked with who felt like their hands were tied and were literally for long periods of time in like fisticuffs with their children. I hope people aren’t listening to, don’t have parents and thinking, I never want kids.
Kids are beautiful. They’re angels, [00:46:00] they’re great. It’s just literally 15% of the time they’re demons. So we are just trying to sway that balance and through there as well. Claire, thank you for, All the work you’ve done with families and children over the decades as well, and thanks for being on the show.
And where can people find more about your work and where can people find the book as well? The best thing to do is my website is like one stop. Shopping. There’s not a lot to buy. The only thing I sell is my book, but you can access it on the website. My website is just learner child development.com.
I’ve got hundreds of blogs that are free. There’s a whole section on the book. You can follow me on Instagram. That’s really largely the platform I use to communicate regularly. And I do have a free newsletter that comes out every three weeks that you can also access through the. Perfect. Again, thank you for being a guest on the Best Book Bit podcast and yeah, thank you for writing a great book and enjoy the rest of your day.
And to my audience out there, go follow Claire, read her book, follow her advice, and do have children. And at the end of the day, kids are kids. They grow up to be teenagers, adults, and walk [00:47:00] back at the kid years and think, oh God, oh I wish we could go back. But yeah, that’s it. Okay. Enjoy the rest of your day and I’ll speak to.
Thanks so much, Claire. Okay. Thank you, Michael. All right. No worries. Bye. Bye.
https://www.lernerchilddevelopment.com/
Claire Lerner CLAIRE LERNER, MSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and child development specialist. She served as the Director of Parenting Resources at ZERO TO THREE for more than eighteen years. Lerner has been a practicing clinician for over thirty years, partnering with parents to decode their children’s behavior and solve their most vexing childrearing challenges. She also provides training to local preschools and pediatric residents. Lerner is the author of hundreds of parenting resources, including books, blogs, podcasts, and videos. She writes a column for PBS Kids, and her work has been published by several parenting publications. She has also served as a content expert for numerous national daily newspapers. Lerner is the mother of two very spirited children of her own, Sam (30) and Jess (28), and stepmom of two stepchildren, Justin (30) and Sammy (27). She lives in Bethesda, Maryland, with her husband and two dogs.
My Morning Routine | How Successful People Start Every Day Inspired | Benjamin Spall | Book Summary
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My Morning Routine: How Successful People Start Every Day Inspired by Benjamin Spall and Michael Xander
A guide to the early morning habits that boost your productivity and relax you–featuring interviews with leaders like Arianna Huffington, General Stanley McChrystal, Marie Kondo, and more.
Marie Kondo performs a quick tidying ritual to quiet her mind before leaving the house. The president of Pixar and Walt Disney Animation Studios, Ed Catmull, mixes three shots of espresso with three scoops of cocoa powder and two sweeteners. Fitness expert Jillian Michaels doesn’t set an alarm, because her five-year-old jolts her from sleep by jumping into bed for a cuddle every morning.
Part instruction manual, part someone else’s diary, the authors of My Morning Routine interviewed sixty-four of today’s most successful people, including three-time Olympic gold medalist Rebecca Soni, Twitter cofounder Biz Stone, and General Stanley McChrystal-and offer timeless advice on creating a routine of your own.
Some routines are all about early morning exercise and spartan living; others are more leisurely and self-indulgent. What they have in common is they don’t feel like a chore. Once you land on the right routine, you’ll look forward to waking up.
This comprehensive guide will show you how to get into a routine that works for you so that you can develop the habits that move you forward. Just as a Jenga stack is only as sturdy as its foundational blocks, the choices we make throughout our day depend on the intentions we set in the morning. Like it or not, our morning habits form the stack that our whole day is built on.
Whether you want to boost your productivity, implement a workout or meditation routine, or just learn to roll with the punches in the morning, this book has you covered.
2:23 My Morning Routine Key Idea #1: Nothing gets you out of bed like an important task or something you love to do.
You know the scene. The alarm starts ringing and you drowsily fumble in the dark to switch it off. All you want is a little more sleep. But mornings don’t have to be miserable moments of resentfully hauling yourself out of bed.
One way to make sure you start the day bright-eyed and bushy-tailed is to have an important task ahead of you.
Take MIT president Leo Rafael Reif. He sets his alarm for 6:00 a.m., but he’s usually already up a good 30 or even 60 minutes before it rings. Why does he forgo the extra sleep? Well, he wants to make sure he’s had a gander at his inbox before the day gets going.
That’s because MIT is a truly global institution. As its president, Reif needs to stay in the loop and make sure he’s up to speed on the latest developments. If he’s not up at the crack of dawn, he worries he’ll miss something important.
But you don’t have to be the head of a large organization to give yourself a good reason to jump out of bed each morning. Knowing that something you really care about awaits you is just as good of a boost once the proverbial rooster starts crowing.
Take a leaf out of author Caroline Paul’s book. She’s also an early riser. Like Reif, she’s usually up by 6:00 a.m. What gets her out of bed? It’s the chance to spend a couple of hours reading in peace before the rest of the world begins to make itself felt.
Reading isn’t just her bread and butter; it’s something she loves doing. Mornings are an oasis of calm in a hectic life, and it’s often the only chance she gets to engross herself in a good book.
New York-based street photographer Andre Wagner also uses mornings to pursue his passion. He’s usually out of the house no later than 7:00 or 7:30 a.m. It’s a great time to walk the city and capture the early morning light with his camera.
But there’s also a simple trick that’ll help you get a good start: don’t use the snooze button on your alarm.
The authors’ interviews with successful early risers showed that while 71 percent used an alarm, only 34 percent made use of the snooze function.
There’s a good reason for that. Grabbing a few extra minutes of sleep might feel like what your body needs, but in the end, you’ll feel more tired than if you’d just gotten up when your alarm first rang. Think of it this way. Lightly slumbering is akin to revving a car engine without putting it into gear; both activities are a waste of gas.
The most important tip, however, is to follow your own instincts. Experiment and see what works for you. Something that does the trick for other people might not work for you. If you realize it doesn’t, don’t be afraid to abandon it and try something else.
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5:20 My Morning Routine Key Idea #2: Some of your best work will be done in the morning, so give yourself time to see to it before tackling other tasks.
Whether it’s a big work project or something more personal, you probably have a whole list of things you keep meaning to get around to but never seem to find the time for. There simply doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day, right?
Well, there are – you just need to snatch them in the morning. That’s often the time you’ll end up doing your most important work.
Take Sheena Brady. She gets up early, so she’ll have time for her own company, Tease Tea, to which she dedicates the hours between 7:00 and 11:00, before spending the rest of the working day at Shopify.
The author and public speaker Todd Henry finds mornings similarly rewarding. After he stopped trying to cram everything into the first part of his day, he created time and space to tackle the work which is most important to him – studying and writing. Mornings, he claims, are there for precisely that.
Making the right start is key if you really want to get to the vital things. One way of doing that is to avoid beginning the day by checking your emails.
Author Ryan Holiday aims to make sure he does at least one other task before opening his inbox. In his case, that’s writing, but you could also try other things – taking a shower, say, or going for a run.
Shane Parrish, the founder of the Farnam Street blog, also adheres to this rule. He stopped checking his emails in the morning, after noticing how it let others dictate the course of his day.
It’s a nifty trick. Responding to emails is, after all, reactive, whereas your morning activities should be proactive. It’s the time to take care of your own needs and schedule your day.
A great way of setting your own agenda for the day is to write down a to-do list.
Take Geoff Colvin, senior editor at Fortune magazine. Every morning, he sits down and writes out a list of what he wants to accomplish that day. Once he’s got his itinerary down on paper, he starts working through the tasks, beginning with the most important.
But it’s also a good idea to take all this advice with a pinch of salt. Author Chris Guillebeau, for example, finds that starting his day by reading his emails suits him perfectly!
Which brings us to our next key idea– workout routines.
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7:56 My Morning Routine Key Idea #3: Early morning exercise can set you up for a healthy, happy and productive day.
Let’s not beat around the bush. Exercise is good for you. That’s something the authors’ interviewees have noticed, too – and acted on. Seventy-nine percent of them work out every day.
Exercise isn’t just about toning your abs or getting into shape; indeed, it’s as good for the mind as it is for the body.
Take the American Olympic swimmer and bronze medalist Caroline Burckle. She gets up at 5:30 every morning and hits the gym first thing. That’s part and parcel of the life of an athlete, but there’s more to it than that. Getting her body moving, she says, is her way of meditating.
Sherry Lansing, the former president of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation, admits that she occasionally skips her workout routine. That’s unavoidable sometimes. But there’s a good reason to make a concerted effort to stick to your exercise regimen. As Lansing says, when she makes working out the most important part of her morning routine, she feels on top of the world for the rest of the day.
That said, you shouldn’t overexert yourself. Alternating exercises from one day to the next can prevent injuries and keep you interested and focused.
Take a look at Lansing’s routine. Mondays and Wednesdays are for Pilates; Tuesdays and Thursdays are spent running on a treadmill for an hour and a half followed by weightlifting.
Retired US army general Stanley McChrystal has a similar setup. A man who clearly believes that the early bird catches the worm, he gets up at 4:00 a.m. for his daily hour-and-a-half workout session. Mixing it up is a key part of his approach. That’s why he alternates between running and weight training. He noticed the benefits of that after abandoning his old habit of running the same distance every single morning.
Getting started can seem daunting. It’s easy to set overly ambitious targets and end up feeling guilty because you haven’t met them. But remember: you can also start with something small and gradually increase the strenuousness of your workout routine over time.
A good way of getting going is to build exercise into your preexisting routine. You could do a set of jumping jacks while you wait for your coffee to brew, for example.
Julie Zhuo, the vice president of product design at Facebook, has a simple yet effective way of incorporating a workout session into her day. Rather than hitting the gym across town, she aims to spend between ten and 15 minutes on her cross-trainer each day. Because that’s not a massive amount of time, the stakes remain low. That means working out becomes as natural as brushing her teeth in the morning.
Planning around your fitness regimen is another way to set yourself up for success.
Take Kevin Cleary, the CEO of Clif Bar & Company. He sits down every Sunday to plan his workout routine around his work and family commitments. By resisting the temptation to set his exercise plans in stone, he frees himself up to take a more pragmatic approach. And that means he’s less likely to cancel or postpone an individual session.
11:18 My Morning Routine Key Idea #4: Morning meditation focuses your mind for the rest of the day, if you do it regularly.
It’s easy to dismiss meditation as a fad, especially if you’ve never tried it. But there must be a reason over half of the authors’ interviewees regularly meditate, right?
The reason so many of them swear by it is that it’s a great way to start your day.
Take Michael Acton Smith, the CEO of the meditation app Calm. He heads a group meditation session at the company’s headquarters every morning. As he himself admits, that sounds dreadfully “Californian,” but it’s actually a great way to kick off the working day.
Aiste Gazdar, the founder of the London-based Wild Food Cafe, agrees. Early morning meditation sessions are the most important part of her day. They’re moments of calm in which she can confront her concerns about what lies ahead. Once she’s done that, the rest of the day just falls into place.
In fact, some people are so devoted to meditating on a daily basis that they make sure they never miss a single session.
The president of Pixar and Walt Disney Animation Studios, Ed Catmull, meditates for around 30 to 60 minutes every day and hasn’t gone a day without doing so for years. He says that slowing down and focusing his mind sets him up to respond calmly to unexpected events.
Novelist and teacher Ruth Ozeki places a similar premium on meditation. Although her schedule changes throughout the year depending on what she’s doing at any given time, she always makes time to meditate. That’s hardly surprising – she is a Zen Buddhist priest, after all.
So whether she has a hectic day of teaching or a more relaxed writing day ahead of her, she meditates before doing anything else – well, almost. There is time to enjoy a cup of coffee in bed!
If that sounds good, you might be wondering where to start. Meditation is all about being mindful of your surroundings and being in the moment, so a good place to jump in is by focusing your mind on mundane moments like making yourself coffee or tea in the morning. Whatever it is that you’re doing, once you’re fully focused on the task at hand, you’re already meditating.
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13:40 My Morning Routine Key Idea #5: Give yourself a little me time before jumping into work and everyday responsibilities.
So far, we’ve focused on using morning routines to boost your productivity. But you shouldn’t neglect the person engaging in those routines – you.
In fact, carving out some me time is another great way of setting yourself up for the day.
Taking a moment to do things that are important to you gives you a head start on the day. And, when things begin getting a little more hectic, you’ll already be well-positioned to take them in stride.
That’s what Melody McCloskey, CEO of StyleSeat, does. After getting up at 5:45 a.m., she spends the next hour or so tidying up or dealing with personal and work-related issues. By the time everyone else is up and about, she’s already firmly in her groove. And that makes her both more productive and happier for the rest of the day.
But it isn’t just chores that you can make extra time for. Taking a moment to focus on anything that you value can boost your creative output.
Take the artist Elle Luna. The very first thing she does upon waking is to record her dreams using a dictaphone. Dreams both provide her with an insight into her subconscious mind and serve as a source of creative inspiration. Often, she uses her recordings to help her paint her dreams.
You can also follow the example of illustrator and instructor Yuko Shimizu. She takes the slow train to work to allow for five extra minutes of reading time.
Whatever it is you want to do with the extra time you’ve freed up, it’s important not to dive straight into work. Slowing down your morning routine has a calming influence on the rest of the day and prevents you from becoming swamped.
In the next book key idea, we’ll take a look at how to prepare for a great morning the evening before.
15:38 My Morning Routine Key Idea #6: You can start preparing your morning routine the evening before.
You might think that morning routines are all about, well, mornings. But setting yourself up for a great start to the day is something you can actually begin planning the previous evening.
A good night’s sleep is key.
So how do you go about ensuring you get enough rest to start bright and early?
In a word, by disconnecting. That means switching off your technological connections to the world as early as you can each evening.
Take the best-selling author and entrepreneur Nir Eyal. He installed a special router that automatically cuts off his connection to the internet at around ten each evening. That means he’s usually tucked up in bed no later than eleven.
Author and podcast host David Kadavy has a similar approach. He turns off the screens in his home at ten and sleeps with blue-blocker goggles to prevent LCD screens interfering with his sleep. If he’s not ready for bed, he avoids social media and instead does something quiet like reading a book.
Emails are another disturbance that can prevent you winding down in the evenings. That’s why author and public speaker Jenny Blake simply doesn’t check her inbox after 5:00 p.m. It’s a technique that makes for a relaxing evening and leaves her feeling refreshed and ready to conquer the world the next morning.
Reflection and quietly mulling over the course of your day can also help you disconnect and depressurize.
When she hits the sack, Jenny Blake asks herself what the highlights and low points of her day were. Thinking about what she can be proud of or grateful for helps her unwind and clear her mind. Once she’s done that, she falls asleep in the book summary of an eye.
Math teacher and author José Luis Vilson also swears by the benefits of unwinding. His trick? A soothing cup of chamomile tea before bed.
Truly disconnecting is, however, sometimes easier said than done. But little details can make all the difference. Take Bob Moore, the founder of the health-food company Bob’s Red Mill. Every evening, he lays out the clothes he plans on wearing the next day, which makes his mornings a whole lot less complicated.
18:01 My Morning Routine Key Idea #7: Make sure you’re getting enough sleep and you might just be able to dispense with your alarm.
If you’re having a tough time getting out of bed and making a start on the day ahead, there’s usually a pretty obvious culprit – a bad night’s sleep. Sticking to a consistent bedtime can be tricky, but it’s something to strive for. After all, the amount of rest you’ve had has a greater effect on your mornings than anything else.
But it’s not just your morning routine that stands to benefit from you getting a proper night’s sleep. Adequate sleep is vital to your whole sense of well-being.
That’s something Huffington Post founder Arianna Huffington learned the hard way. At one point, she became so sleep-deprived that she ended up fainting and breaking her cheekbone on a desk!
That was the moment she decided to make some much-needed changes to her lifestyle. Today, she tries to always get eight hours of sleep, and, in order to achieve that target, heads bedward at 11:00 every night. In fact, she manages her sleep so well now that she doesn’t even need an alarm.
Scott Adams, the creator of the Dilbert comic, also builds his day around getting the right amount of sleep. In his case, that means getting up as early as he can – mornings are when he’s most productive – and making sure he’s tucked up in bed by 11:00 p.m. That’s important, he says, because sleep deprivation slows your mind down. By his estimation, tiredness can knock a good ten points off your IQ score.
That means it might be time to stop using an alarm to get you out of the land of Nod.
At least, that’s what venture capitalist Brad Feld did. For years, he’d get up at 5:00 a.m. on weekdays, no matter where he was in the world, and he spend his weekends “catching up” on missed sleep. Unfortunately for Feld, this less-than-healthy routine resulted in a major depressive episode.
After reaching that low, he changed his habits. Now he makes sure he’s getting the sleep he needs by simply slumbering away until his body is ready to wake up, which might be as early as 5:30 or as late as 9:00 a.m.
So, you can see how important it is to get the right amount of sleep. Going to bed early or waking up a bit later are both options. But even if you can’t manage that, you can try to develop a consistent pattern and catch up later.
Just a quick plug on bestbookbits consulting. If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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20:28 My Morning Routine Key Idea #8: Children dictate when you wake up, but parenting also has its pleasures.
If you’ve already found your perfect morning routine before having children, you’re likely to be in for a rude awakening – literally!
Once you become a parent, the pattern that used to prepare you for the day ahead will probably no longer fit your life. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though. Children thrive on routine just as much as adults do. The key is to make changes to your regimen so that it also works for your kids.
A good way to start is with the realization that your children are alarm clocks. They’ll determine when you wake up with greater precision than your phone ever could.
Nick Bilton, a special correspondent for Vanity Fair, says he used to wake up at around 6:00 a.m. to get some work done. Now, however, he’s awakened by his toddler every morning at 5:30. That’s the new pattern. And even if the kids sleep later than usual, his dog is always on hand to make sure he’s up.
Twitter co-founder Biz Stone reports a similar experience. His five-year-old wakes him between 6:30 and 7:00 a.m. each morning. That’s a cannily chosen time; it leaves exactly an hour for playtime.
So if you’re a parent who wants to get something done in the morning, you’ll need to be up and about before your kids.
Washington State attorney general Bob Ferguson wakes up between 5:00 and 6:30 a.m., for example. That gives him anywhere between one and two and a half hours of personal time before his twins wake up at 7:30 a.m.
Whatever routine you end up choosing, remember that the most important thing is to enjoy your family time once you’re all awake. That’s especially important if, like Ferguson, you’re likely to be working late in the evenings.
22:18 My Morning Routine Key Idea #9: Try to adapt your routine when you’re traveling rather than abandoning it altogether.
Whether you’re on holiday or a business trip, travel means being in new surroundings that probably lack the little creature comforts that help define your usual morning routine. That can quickly undo familiar patterns. But there are steps you can take to help you keep control of the morning.
The first tip is to try to maintain at least some elements of your routine.
Take model and activist Cameron Russell. She’s constantly on the road due to her work, and that’s changed the way she thinks about “routine.” For her, it’s more like an improvised attempt to fit the things she values into a hectic travel schedule; this entails a lot of adaptation and improvisation.
Wherever she finds herself, she always makes time to do a little reading. That might mean skimming a few pages in the back of a cab or while sitting in the makeup chair; no matter her surroundings, though, she can’t do without this inspiring and wonderful start to the day.
There are also more minimalistic solutions. Venture capitalist M. G. Siegler, for example, simply has a bottled Starbucks Frappuccino. Because the chain is nearly everywhere, he can do that whether he’s at home or abroad.
But you don’t need to rely on being able to replicate your routine in every setting – in fact, there’s a lot to be said for adapting your morning ritual to wherever you currently are.
That’s what Peter Balyta, president of education technology at Texas Instruments Inc., does. Using his scientific and mathematical skills, he devises a special workout routine tailored to his local surroundings.
Whether it’s a jog along the Great Wall of China, applying physics know-how to leverage himself around a barbell or doing plyometric exercises using his hotel-room furniture, he’s constantly adapting his routine to what’s around him.
Travel can have an adverse effect on morning routines, but remember, with a little inventiveness and flexibility, you should be able to keep up at least some of your early-hour habits. And if travel ends up knocking you off kilter, don’t worry – it happens to all of us! Just try to pick up where you left off once you’re back home.
Just a quick plug on bestbookbits consulting. If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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24:38 My Morning Routine Key Idea #10: Even the best-laid plans can go awry, so learn to embrace change.
The world is an unpredictable place. That means there’ll always be some mornings where forces beyond your control end up throwing you off course and upsetting your tried-and-true morning routine. But that doesn’t have to ruin your whole day.
Forewarned is forearmed. If you’re prepared for disruption, you’ll be in a much better position to go with the flow and keep your eye on the prize.
Take the junior doctor Rumana Lasker Dawood. Her routine is built around disruptions. Being disrupted, after all, is what working in a hospital inevitably involves. Shifts change on a daily basis, and relocations to new specialist wards occur every half year or so. She can’t establish a regular wake-up time or plan around a definite set of daily tasks. For her, these things vary.
But she doesn’t let that throw her off course. Her demanding job has taught her to expect the unexpected and prepare accordingly. Taking events in her stride and making rapid readjustments is her routine.
In fact, there’s a good case to be made that embracing adaptability and flexibility can actually help you.
Look at author Austin Kleon. He’s learned to enjoy the days when his routine is disturbed; indeed, he regards such disturbances as an interesting break from his habitual schedule.
Leo Babauta, the founder of the Zen Habits blog, takes this flexible approach to its logical conclusion and simply abandons routine altogether in favor of a morning ritual that emphasizes mindfulness.
But, of course, you can’t diverge from or do away with your routine unless you establish one. And when developing your routine, the most important thing to remember is that it should suit your needs.
Ana Marie Cox, a columnist and culture critic who has had to battle with depression, sums this up by noting that sometimes just getting out of bed can be something to be proud of. Your goal isn’t to please anyone else and end up feeling guilty if you fall short of the targets you’ve set; it’s to design a morning routine that helps you start the day well and achieve your own ambitions.
27:01 In Review: My Morning Routine Book Summary
The key message in this book summary:
What do 64 of today’s most successful people have in common? They have a solid morning routine that sets them up for the day ahead. That’s where the similarities end, though. Every self-starter interviewed in this book has a unique morning regimen, from writing to working out to meditating. The key to developing your own morning routine isn’t any one technique or activity; it’s doing what works best for you.
Actionable advice:
Start right!
Getting the first few hours of your day right has a dramatic effect on what comes later. You can end up feeling happier, more relaxed and ready to conquer the world. So where do you start? The best answer is by following your instincts and sticking to what feels right. Getting up at 6:00 a.m. to do an hour of meditation might sound like nirvana to some; for others, it’s more likely to be another reason to pull the duvet over their head and return to sleep. The key to successfully crafting your morning regimen is experimentation. Try out the ideas in this book summary that you like the sound of. If it feels good, stick to it. If it doesn’t, try something else. You’re sure to find your own unique combination soon enough!
Just a quick plug on bestbookbits consulting. If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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The Short Cut to Sales & Marketing Success | Work Smart, Not Hard | Traci Bild Interview
The Short Cut to Sales & Marketing Success: Work Smart, Not Hard. Work Less, Make More Traci Bild Interview For over two decades Traci Bild, Founder of Bild & Co has been redefining business as usual, establishing processes and systems that simplify the complexities of business while accelerating financial results and Company valuations. Working with both private and publicly traded companies niched in seniors housing on both the ownership and operator side, Traci and her team have positively impacted 80% of the top 100 seniors housing operators in the U.S., Canada, U.K, the Caribbean, and India. While the Bild & Co team will continue to drive financial performance for seniors housing owners and operators who meet the criteria to partner; Traci is pivoting. In January 2022 COO Jennifer Saxman was promoted to CEO. Jennifer will run the day-to-day business at Bild & Co while Traci shifts the Companies consulting and advisory services into the Life Plan, multifamily, active adult, and apartment sector; helping companies to scale smart and profitably through her legendary Bild Sales System and her new Bild Culture System. “You can’t scale a company smart or profitably without a loyal workforce that is 100% vested in the company’s success. We are at a historic moment in time, where employees are prioritizing their lives and seeking an improved work-life blend; it’s my mission to help create the future of work, one company at a time.” Traci is known for her tell it like it is style and walks her talk. Bild & Co has been on Inc. Magazine’s Fastest Growing Private Companies List, earned the Best Places to Work award, and has been featured in national media to include CBS Sunday Morning News, The Today Show, Sunrise Australia, the WSJ, the BBC, and USA Today among many others. Traci is the author of four books including industry favorite Zero Lost Revenue Days and her most recent bestseller (Jan 2022) The Short Cut to Sales & Marketing Success: Work Smart, Not Hard. Work Less Make More. To speak with Traci about advisory services to include Scaling Smart & Profitably or The Bild Culture System, text 813.390.3349. If you are looking to grow occupancy, revenue, and NOI or implement a sales training or train the trainer program within your organization, email revenue@bildand.com and Jennifer Saxman will follow up within 24 hours.
80/20 Sales and Marketing | Working Less and Making More | Perry Marshall | Summary
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80/20 Sales and Marketing By Perry Marshall: The definitive guide to working less and doing more
Guided by famed marketing consultant and best-selling author Perry Marshall, sales and marketing professionals save 80 percent of their time and money by zeroing in on the right 20 percent of their market ― then apply 80/202 and 80/203 to gain 10X, even 100X the success. With a powerful 80/20 software tool (online, included with the book), sellers and marketers uncover how to slash time-wasters; advertise to hyper-responsive buyers and avoid tire-kickers; gain coveted positions on search engines; differentiate themselves from competitors and gain esteem in their marketplace. With the included tools they’ll see exactly how much money they’re leaving on the table, and how to put it back in their pockets. Sellers will identify untapped markets, high-profit opportunities and incremental improvements, gaining time and greater profit potential. Supported by online tools from Marshall, including The 80/20 Power Curve, a tool that helps you see invisible money, and a Marketing DNA Test, a personal assessment that zeroes in on one’s natural selling assets, this timeless guide promises to change the game for seasoned and novice marketers and sellers.
Just a quick plug on bestbookbits consulting. If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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Chapter 1: A Universal, Fractal and Exponential Law
The 80/20 law is universal, it applies to almost all areas. Once you know it, it’s written in you and you can’t help but notice it.
Most people think that all consumers of a product are the same. In fact, it is this view that is wrong. We will come back to that.
The law is also fractal: in other words, it repeats itself ad infinitum.
So,
The (20% of 20%) produces (80% of 80%).
So 4% produces 64%. That’s 80/20 squared.
And so on and so forth
(20% of 4%) produces (80% of 64%)
0.8% produces 52%. It’s the 80/20 law cubed.
Out of 10 vendors, the top two are as productive as each of the other 8.
In practice, the first 2 sellers are 16 times more productive than each of the other 8 (40% for n1 and 2, 2.5% for each of the other 8. 40/2.5 = 16).
An important principle here is positive feedback. The idea is that one behaviour generates more of the same. This is one of the principles of the 80/20 law.
Finally, this law is exponential.
Think of your business as a Richter scale, an exponential scale (10, 100, 1000). You have to think in multiples of 10 and not in linear logic.
“Everything that really matters in business is not linear, it is exponential. 80/20 is about the laws of power – a power of 10… The ability of customers to spend money is not incremental, it is multiple.”
Perry Marshall gives many examples to support his theory.
- The three of the ten richest people in the world own 55% of the wealth of the ten combined.
- 80% of the world’s wealth is concentrated in two countries.
He then explains that the 80/20 law does not focus on the average but on the extremes.
The power curve focuses on ability, on the best and not the average.
3:47 Chapter 2: Rack the shotgun
Selling to the right person is more important than any aggressive selling technique. “Rack the shotgun is about sending a signal to your customers and seeing how they react.
It is not enough to qualify good prospects, but also to disqualify those who are not likely to help you achieve your goals. Marshall describes how you too can disqualify “brands” that are not going to be profitable for you. This chapter shows you how to target the right audience.
4:17 Chapter 3: You can do better
In this chapter, Perry Marshall explains in more detail how the 80/20 law is universal.
- For example, 80% of sales are made by 20% of salespeople.
- 80% of the complaints come from 20% of product defects
- 80% of your productivity is produced by 20% of the tasks on your to do list.
- Etc.
How to use the 80/20 law to serve your business
4:45 Chapter 4: 80/20 traffic
Here, Perry Marshall focuses on his background as a salesman, making a first foray into his professional past as a salesman.
He explains several possible channels to attract prospects by encouraging the reader to be very good at one of these channels, as well as his 7 golden rules of selling.
The most important ones for me are to qualify the prospects from the start and to determine your acquisition cost.
5:12 Chapter 5: The 8020curve.com online tool
One of the major assets of the book is its online tool available free of charge.
You can predict how many people would react to an event X (e.g. the price of your product), at a price range between X and Y.
Here you can accurately predict your current or future business (once you have used and optimized your use of the 80/20 law).
For example, let’s say you want to sell a €100 product to 1,000 people.
100 people buy it.
Your TO (turnover) is therefore 10,000 euros (100×100).
What the curve says is that in practice:
- 223 people are prepared to buy a product from you at €50 (half as much). This will not increase your turnover.
- 20 people are prepared to buy a product from you at €400 (4 times more)
- 6 people are prepared to buy a product from you at €1000 (10 times more)
- 3 people are prepared to buy a product from you at €2000 (20 times more)
So you can create a:
- First offer at €100 (100×100: 10K euros turnover)
- Second upsell offer at €400 (20×4: 8K euros turnover)
- Third upsell offer at €1000 (6×1000: 6K euros turnover)
So in this example, your turnover would go from 10K with one offer to 20K euros with three offers. So it would double.
Of course, you won’t sell the same thing in each case. The potential customers exist, it’s up to you to create the offer that will convince them to buy it. It’s up to you to give them maximum value.
7:07 Chapter 6: the power triangle
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To sell something, you need to generate traffic (leads). Then you have to convert the traffic (customers). Saving means that you have to make money with what you sell (economics/TO).
This cycle is repeated according to the 80/20 law. You generate traffic for 4% (20%x20%), convert them into customers, which translates into your turnover.
The 4 questions to ask yourself at the beginning when you want to sell a product:
- Who will buy it? (Traffic)
- What can I do to convince them to buy it? (Conversion)
- Can you reach them at a lower cost? (Economics)
- Can they afford to pay you? (Economics)
In fact, you have to start with the end in mind. Sell results, not processes.
The Economy dimension includes both your turnover and the value perceived by your customer.
The sale is a disqualification process. You must find the 20% that will count for you as soon as possible. Upsell (more expensive products) and cross-sell (products that complement each other).
He then discusses the possible purchase of lists of prospects in the USA, lists of two kinds: compiled (e.g. all American dentists) or response lists (non-approved dentists). For readers living in the USA, he specifies sites where to find lists.
Just a quick plug on bestbookbits consulting. If you have been thinking about starting or growing a youtube channel or podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me using the link in the description to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
8:56 Chapter 7: Transformation
To make a lot of money, your product must address one of the following urgent issues:
- Great pain: pain and great inconvenience, great loss of money, threat to their lives.
- Great pleasure: expectation of pleasure that borders on the irrational.
Then you have to use so-called disqualifying questions, which will allow you to select only those customers who are really important to you.
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The 5 preliminary (or disqualifying) selection questions:
- Do they have the money?
- Do they have a real and urgent suffering to relieve or an urgent pleasure to satisfy? Think here of the sufferings you have experienced and overcome in your life and the major pleasures you have experienced.
- Do they adhere to your Unique Value Proposition or USP?
- Sub questions here:
- Why do you deserve their attention?
- Why would they buy from you?
- How is your product unique? service/market/product/customer experience/price
- What unique guarantee can you offer?
- Can they say Yes? (He cites here the example of a product intended for doctors but refused by their assistant. Think here about who your end customer is and how to reach them).
- Does what you’re selling fit into their overall plan?
He then gives a material example of a sales letter (pp 61-64) that was very successful on his site. I really recommend reading and analyzing it if you write sales letters. Here are the key steps in this letter.
- Title: Start with the urgent suffering or pleasure and propose a key benefit of your product…
- Show empathy. Show that you can express how they feel as if they were describing it themselves, from the very first sentences.
- Talk about pain and suffering. Add elements of pleasure.
- Find the point of pain and press it
- Use headings, italics and bold type for fast readers (which are usually the 20%).
- Make a big promise
- Underline the urgent pain or pleasure
- End with a call to action (or CTA).
11:08 Chapter 8: Your Unique Selling Point (USP)
Here are the 4 questions the USP must answer:
- “Why should I listen to you?”
- “Why should I do business with you and not with someone else?”
- “What can your product do for me that no other can do?”
- “What can you offer me as a guarantee that no one else offers?”
You have 5 possible ways to be unique.
- Service. Guaranteed friendliness, delivery, real person on the phone, etc.
- Marketplace. For example, companies with less than 10 employees.
- Product. Guaranteed result, tailor-made experience and warranty.
- User Experience
- Market price
Also think about your personal USP that contributes to the choice your customers make when they choose you.
Also focus on continuous improvement and mastering what you do. Aim for excellence.
12:01 Chapter 9: Test to increase your turn-over
Perry Marshall talks about Google Adwords as a major testing tool. He takes this opportunity to promote his book on Google Adwords (and his free online training) and explains the concept of split testing.
He insists on the fact that the tests allow you to refine your offer and above all to multiply your turnover.
You can test your Adwords keywords, your capture pages, your sales pages and your order pages.
He recommends the test of:
6 keywords, 3 capture pages, 2 sales pages, 1.5 times order page
6 x 3 x 2 x 1.5 = 54X. Your initial results will be improved by the same amount.
This also works for your websites. Concentrate on the 20% most viewed pages and optimize them.
12:51 Chapter 10: Massive scalability
He then indicates his preferred order for your sales.
In Essentially, choose Google Adwords then SEO, then emails, social networks, etc…
Moving from the targeted niche market to the mass market, not the other way around.
He also promotes his free online test – Is Facebook right for me – which I recommend.
13:14 Chapter 11: Expand and Diversify
This chapter gives advice on how to grow and diversify in order to succeed.
First of all, Marshall says that search engine traffic will probably represent a very small percentage of your potential customers. He also says not to rely too much on a single source and to diversify. The chapter continues with tips on how to use the power curve to go in the right direction and get much better results.
13:42 Chapter 12: Earning more with each client
If there was only one thing to remember about this whole chronicle, it would be this.
Out of 100 customers,
20% are willing to spend four times as much money.
4% are willing to spend 16x more.
Your mission is to concoct offers they can’t resist.
Among repeat buyers,
- 20% represents 80% of repeat sales.
- 20% of the orders represent 80% of the quantity.
- But also, 20% of the orders represent 80% of the total quantity and diversity (different types of products purchased at the same time).
He then looks in detail at the example of Starbucks, which sells coffee but also espresso machines for larger customers. While the average customer spends $1.4 per 1000 customers, 1 will be willing to spend 537 dols. Hence the sale of an espresso machine at $275 in store.
14:43 Chapter 13: Winning guarantees
Sell results and offer unique guarantees.
A powerful USP can be: “If you are [type of eligible customer] and you [commit $X and follow steps Y and Z], then you will get [specific results] or [penalty for me/provider]. »
This USP removes uncertainty and doubt and provides results that allow you to charge more than your competitors. It also attracts better customers (not those who want the cheapest option but the option that best suits their needs).
To get higher prices than anyone else, guarantee better results than anyone else.
15:25 Chapter 15: How much do you want to earn per hour?
Analyze your productivity.
The power curve says:
- If you work 8 hours a day, at an hourly rate of €20 (or €160 a day)
- The least productive hour actually earns you €8.96.
- The most productive hour earns you €53.74.
The average minute of work earns you 33 cents, but the best minute of the day earns you €15.49!
Try to take a closer look at what you can sell and at what price.
Then, whenever possible, delegate lower value-added tasks to physical or digital assistants. This will allow you to concentrate on the tasks that bring you the most value.
16:11 Chapter 16: Make a lot of money doing what you love
Focus on your strengths and those of your teams if you are a manager.
Perry Marshall offers a free online test, the marketing DNA to know your profile in 4 dimensions (with 2 possibilities per dimension – alchemist vs producer / recorded vs live / words vs images and empathic vs analytic).
It also recommends conducting surveys on your major capabilities and those of your teams.
Ask 5 people who know you well what your major talent is and what you do better than others.
Analyze and then share the results.
16:50 Chapter 17: How to recruit a good salesperson
Here he details the practicalities of recruiting salespeople. He focuses on case studies rather than traditional recruitment interviews.
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He recommends that you focus on 5 questions to ask, built like an upside-down sales tunnel.
- The money: will the salary you offer suit them?
- Suffering: do they really need to change jobs now?
- USP: Would they bring complementary skills to your team?
- Do they really want the job?
- Is working for you part of their overall ambition?
17:26 Chapter 18: Recruiting Your Personal Assistant
Whether virtual or real, your personal assistant will be useful for handling low value-added tasks and those you are not good at. He gives several recommendations here.
17:40 Chapter 19: Dismiss 10% of your customers and staff
He then goes on to repeat Jack Welsh’s rule at General Electric, which is to lay off the bottom 10% of employees each year. This rule also applies to customers. He also recommends focusing on the customers who create the most value and separating from those who create the least value (and who are often the ones who cause you the most problems).
18:07 Chapter 20: The Saddle Curve
Using the example of the critics of Hillary Clinton’s book on Amazon, he makes a point about people who are very supportive or very opposed.
His advice is to find a point of controversy in your market and position yourself on it. You will provoke more reactions and interest if you are controversial. You will be on more emotional ground.
18:30 Chapter 21: Research to be done in an afternoon
He suggests 3 questions to ask in your surveys for prospects and customers:
- What is your most important question about [your topic]? (the what)
- Why would a good answer or solution make a difference in your life? Please elaborate. (the why)
- How difficult has it been to find a good answer or solution so far? (the how). Pay attention to the answers of those who said “very difficult” and gave long answers. You will find the most motivated needs and benefits here.
It also details the information search process used on markets by his friend Glenn Livingston, notably via Google (Googleblogs, googlealerts, googlekeywordtool, etc.) on pages 164 to 169.
19:19 Chapter 22: What to focus on
Focus on 6 essential elements for your business:
- Money in and money out (and therefore your ROI or return on investment)
- The clicks on your Google Adwords keywords
- The best conversions of your keywords
- Your capture pages
- Your sales and order pages
- Individual traffic sources (affiliates, banners, emails)
19:43 Chapter 23: RFM (Recency + Frequency + Money)
Perry Marshall indicates 3 key criteria to be considered here.
- Recency: How long have your customers been buying? Who bought most recently?
- Frequency: Do all people buy? Who bought the most often?
- Money: what is the average amount spent by your customers? who spent the most?
In a three-dimensional matrix, you can find your most important customers in these three dimensions combined (diagram p. 181) and focus your efforts primarily on them.
20:18 Chapter 24: Generosity, Your Responsibility as a Successful Entrepreneur
It is a discourse on motivation, involving religion, charity and equality. In particular, it emphasizes the importance of generosity towards the most disadvantaged, the bottom 20% of the curve. He insists on his habit of donations and recommends that each entrepreneur commit part of their money to this.
20:43 Chapter 25: On his journey as an entrepreneur
The last chapter of the book is mainly composed of life stories and anecdotes. In essence, his advice is to make a difference in one’s own life and the lives of others through knowledge and application of the 80/20 law. His last piece of advice: “Don’t be too aggressive on sales, use better marketing”.
Just a quick plug on bestbookbits consulting. If you have been thinking about starting or growing a YouTube channel or Podcast show, writing your first book or creating your first course. I consult creators all around how to monetize their passion and creative dreams. Book a free consult with me here to find out how we can work together so you can start making money online now.
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