John Gray: How to Live for Change and Change for Life Book Summary






– To create change, we must trust in our ability to follow though and behave as if miracles are really possible
– Most couples start out wanting to share a life time of passion, and later really don’t understand what happened to take it away
– By understanding how miracle healings take place, it becomes easy to understand how miracles can happen in all areas of our lives
– When changing is not sustained, many people become jaded and stop believing
– The problem with belief alone is that after being repeatedly let down, we stop believing
– Every doctor or healer at some time is frustrated because what has worked for others does not work all the time
– Without learning how to create practical miracles, we struggle for years trying to change bad habits

Chapter 1: Practical Miracles for Mars and Venus

– To be financially successful, nurture a loving family, and sustain a healthy, fit body requires tremendous spiritual grounding

Chapter 2: Recognize Our New Potential

– The ability to create the life you have always wanted is now available
– There are nine guiding principles of creating practical miracles will assist you in making this shift. Let these nine principles be the stars you set your compass to when choosing your direction in life. They are:

Guiding Principle & Limiting Belief

1. Believe as if miracles are possible (and let your actions and responses reflect this knowledge)- Guiding Principle

Miracles may happen for others, but not for me, or miracles may happen occasionally, but not every day. I cannot change – Limiting Belief

2. Live as if you are free to do what you want (and let your actions and responses reflect this new freedom)- Guiding Principle

But I am not free; I must be careful to do what others think is okay or I will be laughed at or rejected. There is only one right way to behave, and if I want to get ahead I should follow that. I must hide my true self – Limiting Belief

3. Learn as if you are a beginner (and let your actions and responses reflect this humility)- Guiding Principle

I can’t learn as if I am a beginner. I am an adult, and to be respected I must appear to have all the answers. I don’t need any help – Limiting Belief

4. Love as if for the first time (and let your actions and responses reflect this forgiving)- Guiding Principle

I can’t freely love again. I have been hurt before, and to protect myself from being hurt again I must guard my heart and hold back unless a person is truly worthy of my love and trust. I don’t trust others – Limiting Belief

5. Give as if you already have what you need (and let your actions and responses reflect an attitude of generosity)- Guiding Principle

I can’t give my partner anything more until I get back what I deserve. Unless they give me more, I have nothing left to give. I have run out of love and energy – Limiting Belief

6. Work as if money doesn’t matter (and let your actions and responses always come from choice)- Guiding Principle

I am not free to work as if money doesn’t matter. I have to work to pay my bills. I couldn’t earn enough money working at my ideal job. I cannot do what I would choose to do – Limiting Belief

7. Relax as if everything will be okay (and let your actions and responses reflect this trusting attitude)- Guiding Principle

I can’t relax; I have real problems that will not go away by ignoring them. There are real reasons why I can’t sleep at night and why I feel stressed out during the day. There’s nothing I can do to make things better – Limiting Belief

8. Talk to God as if you are being heard (and recognize how your actions and responses are enriched and empowered whenever you ask for help)- Guiding Principle

Prayer is for children. I prayed before and nothing happened. People prayed all the way through the dark ages and the plague wiped them out. Nobody is listening. If I am to succeed in life, it is up to me. There are no free rides – Limiting Belief

9. Feast as if you can have whatever you want (and let your actions and responses reflect an attitude of abundance)- Guiding Principle

I can’t eat whatever I want. I am already overweight or sick from what I eat. I have to sacrifice and live on diet if I want to look good and be healthy. I am missing out – Limiting Belief

Chapter 3: The Nine Guiding principles

– By using each of the nine guiding principles as they fit and work for you, and by regular practice of the natural energy of self-healing techniques, you can and will begin to see practical benefits right away. Some people already may be using some of the guiding principles, but until they find and apply the missing ingredient, they are still blocked from accessing their inner power to create miracles. With one small change, they become unblocked and suddenly experience the benefits they have been working so hard to achieve.

– If you read through the list and panic because you are not already using them, don’t despair. All it takes is to make one change in the right direction and you will see remarkable results. It is amazing how quickly the results come when you make the right change for you, which also happens to be an easy change. Change is difficult when you are not accessing your miraculous power. In the past, difficulty was needed, but now, everything has changes. It is only the easy approached that work. If something seems too difficult, then look in a different direction. If this approach is right for you , you will experience that the different techniques of practical miracles are not complex or difficult, and they begin working right away

Chapter 4: Spiritual Algebra

– Learning Algebra is most difficult when it is taught before the student is ready
– Trying to learn something before the brain is ready can make matters even worse
– To awaken our miraculous power, we just need to know that they exist and to start looking for them.
– People who ridicule spiritual pursuit are sometimes more advanced soul.
– In the past, those who professed to have the spiritual answers were still touching the message for the masses
– Rejecting the notion of God is like throwing out the baby with the bath water
– The power to change our lives is available to all of us
– We don’t have to scrap our past ; we just need to update and upgrade.
– Rejecting religion is like rejecting Beethoven just because we like country western music or rock and roll
– As you find the truth within, suddenly you start seeing in it all religions
– When we give up the hope for change, men often stop caring while women stop trusting
– Expecting one person to fulfill all our needs is unrealistic and leads to unloving demands
– Besides, looking inside ourselves for fulfillment, we must also occasionally look outside the relationship for fun and friendship
– Religious leaders know people are having problems and recognize the importance of new information

Chapter 5: Living in the Age of Miracles

– Taking anything to an extreme defeats it’s original purpose
– Just as a pendulum swings back and forth and finally finds it’s resting place, mankind has arrived at its resting point of balance
– With access to the truth within, we are not threatened by differences, but instead welcome them
– Waiting for academic approval (studying things without experience) is like waiting for a religious leader to say it’s ok to use internet
– Without an integration of all nine principles, practical miracles cannot be sustained
– The possibility of rapid change is one of the greatest practical miracles
– Unless you really have everything, you cannot honestly know that having more doesn’t make you happy
– Princess Diana taught the world that keeping a stiff upper lip and looking good is not enough

Chapter 6: A Life free From Burden

– By holding onto the pain of the past, we are allowing someone else to continue creating our future
– The principles of democracy on which America was founded are actually incredibly advanced spiritual concepts
– We affect the world by thoughts, feelings and desires of which we are not even aware. The good thing about being aware of our deeper inner feelings is that we have the choice to change them and increase our power to extract the best in every situation
– Connecting with your true peaceful self doesn’t make a shopping line go faster, but it awakens your intuition to pick a faster line
– Connecting with your joyful self doesn’t bring a loved one back, but it does help you heal your grief and remember the happy times you had together. It motivates you to move on and rebuild your life and find love, joy and happiness again.
– Connecting with your confident self doesn’t give you all the answers or cause others to trust you, but it does motivate you to see your mistakes more clearly. It motivates you to seek out useful help when needed so that you make fewer mistakes and can earn the trust of others
– Connecting with your loving self doesn’t ensure that your partner will always be loving toward you, but it does affect the way you say things and react to what your partner says. In this manner, you do have the power to inspire the best he has to give at that time
– The magic of miracles is simply to remove the blocks that prevent us from distilling the best each situation has to offer and then more forward

Chapter 7: Our Nine Primary Needs

– Without the support we require, we are unable to realize our inner potential
– Stage 1 (0-7 years) Vulnerability, Nurturing and Dependence ð Follow the Leader
– Stage 2 (7-14 years) Fun, Friendship and interdependence ð Follow the rules
In this stage, a child learns that winning is certainly fun, but how we play is more fulfilling.
Without a pressure to be a certain way or to perform, we gradually master cause and effect
– Stage 3 (14-21 years) Achievement, Self –reliance and Independence ð Follow your reason
– Stage 4 (21-28 years) Love, Experience and Self Sufficiency ð Follow your heart
We can effortlessly let go of our hurts when we are less dependent on others for their love and support
– Stage 5 (28-35 years) Intimacy, Communication and Generosity ð Follow your conscience
An exclusively monogamous, intimate relationship offers the opportunity for couples to experience the highest degree of giving
Instead of needing our intimate partner’s love and support, our primary need is to give love
– Stage 6 (35-42) Responsibility, Accountability, Commitment ð Follow your duty
As we take on more responsibilities without sacrificing ourselves, we have more to give
– Stage 7 (42-49) Service, Contribution and creativity ð Follow your dreams
Deep inside, everyone has a unique dream for making a difference in the world
– Stage8 (49-56) Spirituality, Healing and balance ð Follow your higher power (God)
Challenging situations become opportunities to serve God, not merely to serve ourselves
Everyone at any age can know God more directly by creating practical miracles
With success comes the increased recognition that it is always God who creates through us and with us
If we just expect God to do it all for us, then we are also limited
Our success in life generates a need to give back what we have received with service
– Stage 9 (56 and up) Being, Fulfillment and Growth ð Follow your Destiny
Every moment is either the fulfillment of a desire or a challenge to help draw out and strengthen our soul

Chapter 8: The Balance Act of Life

Use these indicators to realize that you need to shift your focus of attention to what you really need.
Instead of continuing to spin one plate, move to another. The four signs are:
1. We are mentally stressed, feeling upset, empty, pressured, bored, annoyed, desperate, overwhelmed, restless, irritated, offended, nervous, or tense
2. We are emotionally distressed, feeling anger, sadness, fear, sorrow, frustration, disappointment, worry, embarrassment, rage, hurt, panic and shame
3. We are blocked from feeling peace, joy, confidence, love, patience, optimism, strength, humility, fulfillment, inspiration courage, and innocence. These qualities of our true self are often being blocked when we experience resentment, depression, confusion, indifference, judgment, procrastination, indecision, perfectionism, jealousy, self pity, anxiety and guilt
4. Whenever we are sick, we experience chronic pain, physical weakness or chronic fatigue. Within each of these levels, there are four additional signs that indicate we are looking in the wrong place for satisfaction
1. Whenever we demand more than what we can easily get, we are usually overlooking our other needs
2. Whenever we remember all the times we didn’t get what we need to justify our wanting more, then what we are demanding is not our correct need. It is usually unrealistic, and ultimately, it will not create lasting fulfillment
3. Whenever we pine for the past, when we go more, or compare what we have now to what we had then, and “now” comes up short, then we are missing the mark
4. Whenever we accept what we have, but don’t truly appreciate what we are getting, then we are ignoring our true needs.

Nine Illusions of Life

1. If NURTURING makes you happy then, more NURTURING will make you happier
2. If PLAY makes you happy, then more PLAY will make you happier
3. If ACHIEVEMENT makes you happy, then more ACHIEVEMENT will make you happier
4. If SELF SUFFICIENCY makes you happy, the more SELF SUFFICIENCY will make you happier
5. If INTIMACY makes you happy, then more INTIMACY will make you happier
6. If RESPONSIBILITY makes you happy, then more RESPONSIBILITY will make you happier
7. If SERVICE makes you happy, then more SERVICE will make you happier
8. If SPIRITUAL GROWTH makes you happy, then more SPIRITUAL GROWTH will make you happier
9. If BEING YOU makes you happy, then just BEING YOU will make you even happier

The promise that “more is better” is a grand illusion. Seeking more of what you don’t need more of is the root cause of all unhappiness. If you are seeking what you genuinely need, you are happy in the process and have moved beyond “more is better”

The Need for Healing
Examples of healing needs:

– If you didn’t experience enough love and nurturing in Stage 1 (0-7), you may feel the need of therapy to heal
– If you didn’t experience enough fun in stage 2 (7-14), you may need to have more fun and enjoy your life and the fruits of your labor
– If you didn’t work and experience greater achievement in stage 3 (14-21), you may buckle down and work harder than ever before, or go back to school
– If your didn’t experience enough autonomy in stage 4 (21-28), you may suddenly seek to do the things you never could do before or travel to places you always wanted to visit
– If you didn’t experience real intimacy in stage 5 (28-35), you may hanger for a healing romance or a torrid affair
– If you didn’t have children or increased responsibility in stage 6 (35-42), you may want to start a family, care for a pet, grow a garden, or even start a new business. You may suddenly find yourself interested in politics or joining a group devoted to a noble cause
– If you didn’t follow your dreams in stage 7 (42-49), or express yourself in some creative way, you may take up painting, writing, singing, acting or playing a musical instrument in order to heal. Or you may accept a new, creative, and challenging project to serve your community, help the poor, or clean up the environment.
– If you didn’t develop your spirituality in stage 8 (49-56), or even rejected spirituality, you may experience a renewed interest in your spiritual roots or find some other way of giving meaning to life
– If you didn’t let yourself “be “ in stage 9 (56-up), you may feel the need to relax & trust the flow of life. You may wish to let go & just be yourself without any worries.

We should never trust our beliefs or feelings when we are not feeling open, loving and centred





Chapter 9: Learning How to be Healed

The most difficult problem to solve is one that goes undetected

Old Belief: Change is not possible
New Belief: Miracles are now Possible

Old Belief: You must accept your fate
New Belief: I can create my destiny

Old Belief: Don’t get mad, get even
New Belief: My decisions made from kindness are more successful

Old Belief: Justice must be served
New Belief: I don’t depend on punishing others for relief. I am responsible for how I feel and act from forgiveness

Old Belief: Someone told me to do it I listen to others but follow only my heart.
New Belief: I – and no one else – am responsible for what I do

Old Belief: Life is unfair
New Belief: I don’t need to waste my time dwelling on the negative because I have the power to create what I want

Old Belief: You have to sacrifice to get ahead
New Belief: When I come from Love, Confidence, and Choice, success comes to me

Old Belief: Success comes from hard work
New Belief: Success comes from making decisions when I am perfectly centred in my true self

Old Belief: Your childhood determines your later success
New Belief: Every moment, I have the option to connect with my unlimited potential to create what I want. My future is not determined by my past, but by what I feel, think, and do right now

Old Belief: I can’t make my dreams come true
New Belief: In the past I was limited, but now I can begin creating what i really want

Old Belief: I shouldn’t take care of my needs first
New Belief: I take care of my own needs so that I can freely give to others without strings
I have to do it Based on my options, I am always free to choose what I will do and how I feel

Old Belief: Something is wrong with me if I have setbacks or fear
New Belief: Set backs and fear are a natural part of my life’s journey toward increasing success

Old Belief: Successful people have something I don’t
New Belief: I have everything I need to create the success I want

Old Belief: You owe me, and unless you pay, I can’t succeed
New Belief: When I forgive the debts of others I am freer to create the success I want

Old Belief: You are responsible for my failure or loss
New Belief: There are always many factors responsible for any loss or failure. I only seek to learn a lesson and persist in creating what I want with greater wisdom

Old Belief: I know my limitations
New Belief: We are living in a new age of miracles. I now have a much greater potential to create change

Old Belief: Get married, Get the love you need to be happy
New Belief: Get married to give love and not just to get loved

Old Belief: Spiritual development is difficult and takes years to experience
New Belief: You can feel God’s energy within a few minutes of easy practice

Old Belief: Romance should be automatic and it is not supposed to last
New Belief: Romance can last, but it takes changing our ways of communicating

Old Belief: Sickness is determined by our genes and age
New Belief: Genes just determine our tendency to get particular sickness when we disconnect from our ability to heal ourselves

Old Belief: Old people automatically lose their validity
New Belief: As we get older, we can experience vibrant health

Chapter 10: Nine Techniques to Create Practical Miracles

1. The Recharging Technique

– Recharging is relaxing and restoring your energy
– Stress and distress are just symptoms of blocked natural energy and can be easily released
– It is not necessary to wait until taking your vacation to get big doses of natural energy
– You can get the benefits of a great vacation by recharging for a few minutes

2. The Decharging Technique

– Decharging is sending out your excess energy (ex: sports)
– Only when you follow your heart, not the rules of others, can you grow up and realize your miraculous inner power, you can only create miracles when you are in the driver’s seat
– Besides getting positive energy when we help others, we also get a little of their stress and distress
– Stress is like darkness. You cannot make it go away. All you can do is turn on the light
– Decharging is the ultimate stress management technique

3. The Natural Energy Diet

– People who diet will later binge, because they are not decharging (playing sports) and drinking more water
– To lose excess weight and be healthy, the most important food to replace is refined sugar
– Once you are healthy and strong, it is okay to make junk food 20 percent of your diet
– Create lots of food around you with lots of choices of things to eat
– After removing toxins, rebuilding the body with minerals is the next most important element in healing

4. The Positive Response Technique

– When we permit our hurt to hold us back from loving, we surrender our power to heal ourselves or to create meaningful change in our lives. Forgiving others for their mistakes as well as forgiving ourselves is essential to healing, so that love freely can flow again
– Remembering the fact that our partner is different from us helps us to remember not to take things so personally. With this insight, we can accept their imperfections instead of being hurt by them
– By practicing forgiveness, improving our communication skills, and asking for what we want, love can last for a lifetime
– We should always lovingly acknowledge our hurt, but we must also be accountable for it. It is our unrealistic expectations or unloving demands that causes our hurt. No one causes our hurt
– Release your self-pity by doing something on your own that makes u happy
– Write a positive letter
– Mentally create a positive response
– Push away feedback (by creating changes in yourself)
– Mental Rephrasing (imagine the positive feeling of everything, not the negative)

5. The Blockbuster Technique

– When we enter into an intimate relationship, our biggest mistake is expecting and then depending too much on our partner’s love. The secret to lasting love is creating an intimate relationship primarily for the purpose of giving, not getting. Ideally, before we marry, we should learn to be self-sufficient. When we already have a fulfilled life and love ourselves, we are not as dependent on our partner. If and when we get our partner’s love, it’s a special gift
– Instead of looking to our partner to give is the love we need, we need to look to ourselves, work, friends, groups, workshops, and therapy. It is a major mistake to look to our partner to fill us up when we learn to give our love freely, without any demands on our partner we are amazed to find how much more supportive he can be

6. The Attitude Adjustment Technique

– You have to know your talents, interests and skills to be able to work for what you want and not work for money

7. The Willful breathing Technique

– To relax fully, you must accept your life and its unique challenges
– To get what you want, first appreciate what you have

8. Natural Energy Healing

– God

9. The “What If” Technique

– What if you do what you want – follow your dreams

Chapter 11: The Power is Ready Within You (Summary)

– To define one approach as the only approach is like saying there’s only one way to make dinner
– Our greatest fears often cover up our greatest talents and gifts in life
– No matter how much you know , you can only teach what the student is ready to hear and understand
– The best example of “one way” thinking is that teenagers suddenly think they know everything and their parents know nothing – we must give up “one way” thinking





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