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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work has revolutionized the way we understand, repair, and strengthen marriages. John Gottman’s unprecedented study of couples over a period of years has allowed him to observe the habits that can make–and break–a marriage. Here is the culmination of that work: the seven principles that guide couples on a path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

Straightforward yet profound, these principles teach partners new approaches for resolving conflicts, creating new common ground, and achieving greater levels of intimacy. Gottman offers strategies and resources to help couples collaborate more effectively to resolve any problem, whether dealing with issues related to sex, money, religion, work, family, or anything else.

 

Summary

 

About 67 percent of coupes experience a large drop in marital satisfaction in the three years after the birth of their first baby.

 

Inside the Seattle Love Lab: The Truth about Happy Marriages

 

My goal has been nothing more ambitious than to uncover the truth about marriage–to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people for so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click, while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad–or rescue one that already has?

 

Emotionally intelligent marriages

 

What can make a marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples aren’t smarter, richer, or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other (which all couples have) from overwhelming their positive ones. They have what I call an emotionally intelligent marriage.

 

Why save your marriage?

 

One of the saddest reasons a marriage dies is that neither spouse recognizes its value until it is too late. Only after the papers have been signed, the furniture divided, and separate apartments rented do the exes realize how much they really gave up when they gave up on each other. Too often a good marriage is taken for granted rather than given the nurturing and respect it deserves and desperately needs.

 

An unhappy marriage can increase your chances of getting sick by roughly 35 percent and even shorten your life by an average of four years. The flip side: People who are happily married live longer, healthier lives than either divorced people or those who are unhappily married. Scientists know for certain that these differences exist, but we are not yet sure why.

 

Part of the answer may simply be that in an unhappy marriage people experience chronic, diffuse physiological arousal—in other words, they feel physically stressed and usually emotionally stressed as well. This puts added wear and tear on the body and mind, which can present itself in any number of physical ailments, including high blood pressure and heart disease, and in a host of psychological ones, including anxiety, depression, suicide, violence, psychosis, homicide, and substance abuse.

 

Not surprisingly, happily married couples have a far lower rate of such maladies. They also tend to be more health-conscious than others. Researchers theorize that this is because spouses keep after each other to have regular checkups, take medicine, eat nutritiously, and so on.

 

A good marriage may also keep you healthier by directly benefiting your immune system, which spearheads the body’s defenses against illness. Researchers have known for about a decade that divorce can depress the immune system’s function.

 

A good marriage benefits your health and longevity. But what’s most important is that we know for certain that a good marriage does. In fact, I often think that if fitness buffs spent just 10 percent of their weekly workout time–say, twenty minutes a day–working on their marriage instead of their bodies, they would get three times the health benefits the derive from climbing the Stair-Master!

 

When a marriage goes sour, husband and wife are not the only ones to suffer–the children do, too.

 

Innovative research, revolutionary findings

 

When it comes to saving a marriage, the stakes are high for every-body in the family. And yet despite the documented importance of marital satisfaction, the amount of scientifically sound research into keeping marriages stable and happy is shockingly small.

 

Why most marriage therapy fails

 

Perhaps the biggest myth of all is that communication–and more specifically learning to resolve your conflicts — is the royal road to romance and an enduring, happy marriage.

the message you’ll get is pretty uniform: Learn to communicate better. The sweeping popularity of this approach is easy to understand. When most couples find themselves in a conflict (whether it gets played out as a short spat, an all-out screaming match, or stony silence), they each gird themselves to win the fight.

 

Calmly and lovingly listening to each other’s perspective would lead couples to find compromise solutions and regain their marital composure.

 

The most common technique recommended for resolving conflict–used in one guise or another by most marital therapists–is called active listening. For example, a therapist might urge you to try some form of the listener-speaker exchange. Let’s say Judy is upset that Bob works late most nights. The therapist asks Judy to state her complaints as “I” statements that focus on what she’s feeling rather than hurling accusations at Bob. Judy will say, “I feel lonely and overwhelmed when I’m home alone with the kids night after night while you’re working late,” rather than, “It’s so selfish of you to always work late and expect me to take care of the kids by myself.”

 

By forcing couples to see their differences from each other’s perspective, problem solving is supposed to take place without anger.

 

This approach is often recommended whatever the specific issue— whether your conflict concerns the size of your grocery bill or major differences in your lifelong goals. Conflict resolution is touted not only as a cure-all for troubled marriages but as a tonic that can prevent good marriages from faltering.

 

Since marriage is also, ideally, a relationship in which people feel safe being themselves, it might seem to make sense to train couples to practice this sort of unconditional understanding. Conflict resolution is certainly easier if each party expresses empathy for the other’s perspective.

 

The problem is that it doesn’t work. A Munich-based marital therapy study conducted by Dr. Kurt Hahlweg and associates found that even after employing active listening techniques the typical couple was still distressed. Those few couples who did benefit relapsed within a year.

 

In the long run, current approaches to marital therapy do not benefit the majority of couples.

 

He is not a therapist listening to a patient whine about a third party. The person his wife is trashing behind all of those “I” statements is him.

 

But here’s the catch: Even if it does make your fights “better” or less frequent, it alone cannot save your marriage.

 

Even happily married couples can have screaming matches–loud arguments don’t necessarily harm a marriage.

 

Successful conflict resolution isn’t what makes marriages succeed.

 

Exploding more myths about marriage

 

The notion that you can save your marriage just by learning to communicate more sensitively is probably the most widely held misconception about happy marriages.

 

• Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages.
• Common interests keep you together.
• You scratch my back and…
• Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage.
• Affairs are the root cause of divorce.
• Men are not biologically “built” for marriage.
• Men and women are from different planets.

 

The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriage is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70 percent, the quality of the couple’s friendship. So men and women come from the same planet after all.

 

If these myths imply one thing, it’s that marriage is an extremely complex, imposing institution that most of us just aren’t good enough for. I’m not suggesting that marriage is easy. We all know it takes courage, determination, and resiliency to maintain a long-lasting relationship. But once you understand what really makes a marriage tick, saving or safeguarding your own will become simpler.

 

2: What does make marriage work?

 

Getting couples to disagree more “nicely” might reduce their stress levels while they argued, but frequently it wasn’t enough to pump life back into their marriages.

 

No two marriages are the same, but the more closely I looked at happy marriages the clearer it became that they were alike in seven telltale ways. Happily married couples may not be aware that they follow these Seven Principles, but they all do. Unhappy marriages always came up short in at least one of these seven areas–and usually in many of them. By mastering these Seven Principles, you can ensure that your own marriage will thrive.

 

Friendship versus fighting

 

At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to each other intimately–they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.

 

Friendship fuels the flames of romance because it offers the best protection against feeling adversarial toward your spouse.

 

Most marriages start off with such a high, positive set point that it’s hard for either partner to imagine their relationship derailing. But far too often this blissful state doesn’t last. Over time anger, irritation, and resentment can build to the point that the friendship becomes more and more of an abstraction. The couple may pay lip service to it, but it is no longer their daily reality. Eventually they end up in “negative sentiment override.” Everything gets interpreted more and more negatively. Words said in a neutral tone of voice are taken personally. The wife says, “You’re not supposed to run the microwave without any food in it.” The husband sees this as an attack, so he says something like, “Don’t tell me what to do. I’m the one who read the manual!” Another battle begins.

 

An extramarital physical affair is only one type of disloyalty that threatens a couple once their Sound Relationship House falls. Betrayal is, fundamentally, any act or life choice that doesn’t prioritize the commitment and put the partner “before all others.” Nonsexual betrayals can devastate a relationship as thoroughly as a sexual affair. Some common forms of deceit include being emotionally distant, siding with a parent against one’s mate, disrespecting the partner, and breaking significant promises.

 

Betrayal lies at the heart of every failed relationship.

 

The key is learning how to better attune to each other and make friendship a top priority.

 

REPAIRS: A happy couple’s secret weapon

 

A repair attempt. This name refers to any statement or action–silly or otherwise—that prevents negativity from escalating out of control.

 

The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether their marriage flourishes or flounders.

 

The purpose of marriage

 

In the strongest marriages, husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along”–they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.

 

Once you understand this, you will be ready to accept one of the most surprising truths about marriage: Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other’s mind–but it can’t be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, they succeed in doing, is wasting their time and harming their marriage.

 

How I Predict Divorce

 

The first sign: harsh startup

 

There’s a load of negative power in her words.

 

The research shows that if your discussion begins with a harsh startup, it will inevitably end on a negative note, even if there are a lot of attempts to “make nice” in between.

 

The second sign: the four horsemen

 

Criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

 

Horseman 1: Criticism.

 

You will always have some complaints about the person you live with. But there’s a world of difference between a complaint and a criticism. A complaint only addresses the specific action at which your spouse failed. A criticism is more global—it adds on some negative words about your mate’s character or personality. “I’m really angry that you didn’t sweep the kitchen floor last night. We agreed that we’d take turns doing it” is a complaint.

 

“Why are you so forgetful? I hate having to always sweep the kitchen floor when it’s your turn. You just don’t care” is a criticism. A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but a criticism ups the ante by throwing in blame and general character assassination.

 

Horseman 2: Contempt.

 

Couples who are contemptuous of each other are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses (colds, flu, and so on) than other people.

 

Horseman 3: Defensiveness.

 

Defensiveness just escalates the conflict, which is why it’s so deadly.

 

Horseman 4: Stonewalling.

 

In marriages like Dara and Oliver’s, where discussions begin with a harsh startup, where criticism and contempt lead to defensiveness, which leads to more contempt and more defensiveness, eventually one partner tunes out. This heralds the arrival of the fourth horseman.

 

By turning away from her, he is avoiding a fight, but he is also avoiding his marriage. He has become a stone waller. Although both husbands and wives can be stone wallers, this behavior is far more common among men,

 

Sits like an impassive stone wall. The stone waller acts as though he couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, if he even hears it.

 

The third sign: flooding

 

Usually people stonewall as a protection against feeling flooded. Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity–whether in the guise of criticism or contempt or even defensiveness–is so overwhelming, and so sudden, that it leaves you shell-shocked. You feel so defenseless against this sniper attack that you learn to do anything to avoid a replay The more often you feel Hooded by your spouse’s criticism or contempt, the more hyper vigilant you are for cues that your spouse is about to “blow” again. All you can think about is protecting yourself from the turbulence your spouse’s onslaught causes. And the way to do that is to disengage emotionally from the relationship

 

The fourth Sign: body language

 

When we monitor couples for bodily changes during a tense discussion, we can see just how physically distressing flooding is. One of the most apparent of these physical reactions is that the heart speeds up

 

When a pounding heart and all the other physical stress reactions happen in the midst of a discussion with your mate, the consequences are disastrous. Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. Creative problem solving goes out the window. You’re left with the most reflexive, least intellectually sophisticated responses in your repertoire: to fight (act critical, contemptuous, or defensive) or flee (stonewall). Any chance of resolving the issue is gone. Most likely, the discussion will just worsen the situation.

 

Men and women really are different

 

In 85 percent of marriages, the stone waller is the husband.

 

It’s a biological fact: Men are more easily overwhelmed by marital conflict

than are their wives

 

Without help, the couple will end up divorced or living in a dead marriage, in which they maintain separate, parallel lives in the same home. They may go through the motions of togetherness—attending their children’s plays, hosting dinner parties, taking family vacations. But emotionally they no longer feel connected to each other. They have given up.

 

The fifth sign: failed repair attempts

 

When the four horsemen are present but the couple’s repair attempts are successful–the result is a stable, happy marriage

 

The sixth sign: bad memories

 

When a relationship gets subsumed in negativity, it’s not only the couple’s present and future life together that are put at risk. Their past is in danger, too.

 

When a marriage is not going well, history gets rewritten-for the worse.

 

When the four horsemen overrun a home, impairing the communication, the negativity mushrooms to such a degree that everything a spouse does–or ever did–is recast in a negative light.

 

The end draws near

 

When a marriage gets to the point where the couple have rewritten their history, when their minds and bodies make it virtually impossible to communicate and repair their current problems, it is almost bound to fail. They find themselves constantly on red alert. Because they always expect to do combat, the marriage becomes a torment.

 

Some people leave a marriage literally, by divorcing. Others do so by leading parallel lives together. Whichever the route, there are four final stages that signal the death knell of a relationship.

 

1. You see your marital problems as severe.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own.
3. You start leading parallel lives.
4. Loneliness sets in.

 

Bolstering your friendship is so critical in large part because it fuels the romance, passion, and great sex that we all hope marriage will provide.

 

Principle 1: Enhance Your Love Maps

 

Emotionally intelligent couples are intimately familiar with each other’s world. I call this having a richly detailed love map–my term for that part of your brain where you store all the relevant information about your partner’s life. Another way of saying this is that these couples have made plenty of cognitive room for their marriage. They remember the major events in each other’s history, and they keep updating their information as the facts and feelings of their spouse’s world change.

 

In knowledge there is strength

 

From knowledge springs not only love but the fortitude to weather marital storms. Couples who have detailed love maps of each other’s world are far better prepared to cope with stressful events and conflict.

 

Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration

 

I’ve found 94 percent of the time that couples who put a positive spin on their marriage’s history are likely to have a happy future as well. When happy memories are distorted, it’s a sign that the marriage needs help.

 

The antidote to contempt

 

At first, this may all seem obvious to the point of being ridiculous: People who are happily married like each other. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be happily married. But fondness and admiration can be fragile unless you remain aware of how crucial they are to the friendship that is at the core of any good marriage. By simply reminding yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities–even as you grapple with each other’s flaws–you can prevent a happy marriage from deteriorating. The simple reason is that fondness and admiration are antidotes for contempt. If you maintain a sense of respect for your spouse, you are less likely to act disgusted with him or her when you disagree. So fondness and admiration prevent the couple from being trounced by the four horsemen.

 

If your mutual fondness and admiration have been completely extinguished, your marriage is in dire trouble. Without the fundamental belief that your spouse is worthy of honor and respect, where is the basis for any kind of rewarding relationship?

 

There are many couples in whom the fondness and admiration system has not died but is buried under layers of negativity, hurt feelings, and betrayal. By reviving the positive feelings that still lie deep below, you can vastly improve your marriage.

 

Contempt is a corrosive that, over time, breaks down the bond between husband and wife. The better in touch you are with your deep-seated positive feelings for each other, the less likely you are to act contemptuous of your spouse when you have a difference of opinion.

 

Facing the flames

 

You can do this by meditating a bit on your partner and what makes you cherish him or her.

 

When you acknowledge and openly discuss positive aspects of your partner and your marriage, your bond is strengthened.

 

Singing each other’s praises can only benefit your marriage. But in order to ensure that the gains continue, you need to put your respect and affection to work.

 

Principle 3: Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away

 

Real-life romance is fueled by a far more humdrum approach to staying connected. It is kept alive each time you let your spouse know he or she is valued during the grind of everyday life.

 

In marriage people periodically make what I call “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection, humor, or support. People either turn toward one another after these bids or they turn away. Turning toward is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion, and a good sex life.

 

The biggest payoff from this emotional bank account isn’t the cushion it offers when the couple are stressed. As I said, turning toward your spouse in the little ways is also the key to long-lasting romance. Many people think that the secret to reconnecting with their partner is a candlelit dinner or a by-the-sea vacation. But the real secret is to turn toward each other in little ways every day.

 

Two obstacles to turning toward

 

Missing a bid because it’s wrapped in anger or other negative emotion.

 

Before you reply defensively to your partner, pause for a moment and search for a bid underneath your partner’s harsh words. Then focus on the bid, not the delivery.

 

Being distracted by the wired world.

 

Couples often ignore each other’s emotional needs out of mindlessness, not malice.

 

The first step in turning toward each other more is simply to be aware of how crucial these mundane moments are, not only to your marriage’s stability, but to its ongoing sense of romance.

 

The Stress-Reducing Conversation

 

Take turns. Each partner gets to be the complainer for fifteen minutes.

 

Don’t give unsolicited advice. The cardinal rule when helping your partner de-stress is that understanding must precede advice. You have to let your partner know that you fully understand and empathize with the dilemma before you suggest a solution. Often times your spouse isn’t asking you to come up with a solution at all–just to be a good listener, or offer a ready shoulder to cry on.

 

Show genuine interest.

 

Communicate your understanding.

 

Take your spouse’s side. This means being supportive, even if you think his or her perspective is unreasonable. Don’t side with the opposition–this will make your spouse resentful or dejected.

 

Express a “we against others” attitude.

 

Express affection. Hold your mate, put an arm on his or her shoulder, say “I love you.”

 

Validate emotions. Let your partner know that his or her feelings make sense to you.

 

 

• Coping with your partner’s sadness, fear and anger
• Acknowledge the difficulty.
• Self-soothe.
• Remember: the goal is understanding.
• Use exploratory statements and open-ended questions.
• Don’t ask “Why?”
• Bear witness.
• Use your partner’s metaphors.

 

EXTRA TIPS FOR LISTENING TO SADNESS AND CRYING

• Ask what’s missing.
• Don’t try to cheer up your partner.

 

EXTRA TIPS FOR LISTENING TO ANGER

• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t ever tell your partner to “calm down.”
• Search out the goal and obstacle.

 

EXTRA TIPS FOR LISTENING TO FEAR AND STRESS

• Don’t minimize it.

 

Once your marriage gets set at a more positive level, it will be harder to knock it off course.

 

Marriage is something of a dance. There are times when you feel drawn to your loved one and times when you feel the need to pull back and replenish your sense of autonomy.

 

Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You

 

A marriage can’t work unless both partners honor and respect each other.

 

The wives of men who accept their influence are far less likely to be harsh with their husbands when broaching a difficult marital topic. This increases the odds their marriage will thrive.

 

What husbands can learn from wives

 

Perhaps most importantly, when a husband accepts his wife’s influence, his open attitude also heightens the positive in his relationship by strengthening his friendship with his wife.

 

Often in life you need to yield in order to win.

 

More than 80 percent of the time it’s the wife who brings up sticky marital issues, while the husband tries to avoid discussing them. This isn’t a symptom of a troubled marriage–it’s true in most happy marriages as well.

 

The Two Kinds of Marital Conflict

 

Every marriage is a union between two individuals who bring to it their own opinions, personality quirks, and values. So it’s no wonder that even in very happy marriages the husband and wife must cope with a profusion of marital issues. Some conflicts are just minor irritants, but others can seem overwhelmingly complex and intense. Too often couples feel mired in conflict or have distanced themselves from each other as a protective device.

 

Although you may feel your situation is unique, we have found that all marital conflicts, ranging from mundane annoyances to all-out wars, really fall into one of two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be a part of your lives forever, in some form or another.

 

Perpetual problems

 

Unfortunately, the majority of marital conflicts fall into this category-69 percent, to be exact. Time and again when we do four- year follow-ups of couples, we find that they are still arguing about precisely the same issue.

 

Despite what many therapists will tell you, you don’t have to resolve your major marital conflicts for your marriage to thrive.

 

“When choosing a long-term partner…you will inevitably be choosing a particular set of unsolvable problems that you’ll be grappling with for the next ten, twenty or fifty years.”

 

Marriages are successful to the degree that the problems you choose are ones you can cope with.

 

Avoiding conflict over a perpetual problem leads to emotional disengagement. The couple’s trust in each other and the relationship declines as they become increasingly trapped in the negativity- the Roach Motel for Lovers. As the gridlock worsens, they each come to feel that the other is just plain selfish and cares only about him or herself. They may still live together but are on the course toward leading parallel lives and inevitable loneliness – the death knell for any marriage.

 

Below is a list of seventeen common causes of conflict in a marriage.

 

1. We are becoming emotionally distant.

 

2. There is spillover of non marital stresses (such as job tension) into

our marriage.

 

3. Our marriage is becoming non romantic and passionless; the fire is dying.

 

4. We are having problems in our sex life.

 

5. Our marriage is not dealing well with an important change (such as the birth of a child, a job loss, move, illness, or death of a loved one).

 

6. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue about children, (This category includes whether to have a child.)

 

7. Our marriage is not handling well a major issue or event concerning in-laws or another relatives).

 

8. One of us is flirtatious outside the marriage, or may have had a recent affair, and or there is jealousy.

 

9. Unpleasant fights have occurred between us.

 

10. We have differences in our basic goals and values or desired lifestyle.

 

11. Very disturbing events (for example, violence, drugs, an affair) have occurred within our marriage.

 

12. We are not working well as a team.

 

13. We are having trouble sharing power and influence.

 

14. We are having trouble handling financial issues well.

 

15. We are not having much fun together these days.

 

16. We are not feeling close about spiritual issues these days.

 

17. We are having conflict(s) about being a part of and building community together.

 

The key to all conflict resolution

 

Negative emotions are important. Although it is stressful to listen to your partner’s negative feelings, remember that successful relationships live by the motto “When you are in pain, the world stops and I listen.” This is true even when your partner’s anger, sadness, disappointment, or fear is directed at you. Negative emotions hold important information about how to love each other better,

 

No on is right. There is no absoluter reality in martial conflict, only two subjective ones.

 

Acceptance is crucial. It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change.

 

Focus on fondness and admiration.

 

For a marriage to go forward happily, you need to pardon each other and give up on past resentments. This can be hard to do, but it is well worth it. When you forgive your spouse, you both benefit. Bitterness is a heavy burden. As Shakespeare wrote in The Merchant of Venice, mercy is “twice blessed. It blesses him that gives and him that takes.”

 

Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems

 

By studying intently what these couples did do, I have come up with a new model for resolving conflict in a loving relationship. My fifth principle entails the following steps:

 

• Soften your startup
• Learn to make and receive repair attempts
• Soothe yourself and each other
• Compromise
• Be tolerant of each other’s faults

 

Step 1: Soften your startup

 

A harsh startup usually begins the cycle of the four horsemen, which leads to flooding and, in turn, increased emotional distance and loneliness that lets the marriage wither.

 

Here are some suggestions to ensure that your startup is soft:

 

• Complain but don’t blame.

 

• Make statements that start with “I” instead of “You”. Just keep in mind that if your words focus on how you’re feeling rather than on accusing your spouse, your discussion will be far more successful.

 

• Describe what is happening, don’t evaluate or Judge.

 

• Be clear. Don’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.

 

• Be polite. Add phrases such as “please” and “I would appreciate it if…”

 

• Be appreciative.

 

• Don’t store things up.

 

• Learn to make and receive repair attempts

 

What separates stable, emotionally intelligent marriages from others is not that their repair attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out, but that their repair attempts get through to their spouse. This is because the air between them hasn’t been clouded by a lot of negativity.

 

Your future together can be bright even if your disagreements tend to be very negative. The secret is learning the right kind of damage control.

 

Soothe yourself and each other

 

It is harder for a man’s body to calm down after an argument than a woman’s.

 

I have found that in the vast majority of cases, when one spouse does not “get” the other’s repair attempt, it’s because the listener is flooded and therefore can’t really hear what the spouse is saying. When you’re in this condition, the most thoughtful repair attempt in the world won’t benefit your marriage.

 

The first step is to stop the discussion. If you keep going, you’ll find yourself

exploding at your spouse or imploding (stonewalling), neither of which will

get you anywhere other than one step farther down the marital cascades that lead to divorce.

 

That break should last at least twenty minutes, since it will be that long before your body calms down.

 

Each Other

 

Once you’ve calmed yourself, you can benefit your marriage enormously if you then take some time to calm each other.

 

Compromise

 

Like it or not, the only solution to marital problems is to find a compromise. In an intimate, loving relationship it just doesn’t work for either of you to get things all your way, even if you’re convinced that you’re right. This approach would create such inequity and unfairness that the marriage would suffer.

 

Before you try to resolve a conflict, remember that the cornerstone of any compromise is the fourth principle of marriage-accepting influence. This means that for a compromise to work, you can’t have a closed mind to your spouse’s opinions and desires. You don’t have to agree with everything your spouse says or believes, but you have to be honestly open to considering his or her position.

 

That’s what accepting influence is really all about. If you find yourself sitting with your arms folded and shaking your head no (or just thinking it) when your spouse is trying to talk out a problem with you, your discussion will never get anywhere.

 

Finding Common Ground

 

Decide together which solvable problem you want to tackle. Then sit separately and think about the problem.

 

Dealing with Emotional Injuries

The past is never dead. In fact, it’s not even past. We can revisit the past because it still lives in our bodies in the present. If emotional injuries aren’t addressed, they tend to become constant irritants – like a stone in your shoe that you keep walking on. People tend to ruminate about these incidents, and emotional distance can build up over time. It is perfectly normal to have past emotional injuries that need talking about, or ‘processing.”

 

Processing a previous emotional injury

Step 1: choose a specific incident to work through.

Step 2: Decide who will speak first.

Step 3: Say out loud what you were feeling then.

Step 4: Share your subjective reality and what you needed.

Step 5: Identify and explore your triggers.

Step 6: Acknowledge your role in what happened.

Step 7: Looking Ahead: constructive Plans.

 

When you have mastered the general problem-solving skills outlined in this chapter, you’ll find that many of your problems find their own solutions. Once you get past the barriers that have prevented clear communication, difficulties are easy to resolve.

 

Coping with Typical Solvable Problems

 

Work stress, in-laws, money, sex, housework, a new baby: These are the most typical areas of marital conflict, so there’s a good chance at least some of them are hot buttons in your relationship. Even in very happy and stable marriages, these issues are perennials.

 

Stress and more stress

 

The task: Making your marriage a place of peace.

 

Scheduling formal griping sessions can prevent the spillover of everyday stress into your marriage.

 

Solution Acknowledge that at the end of a long, stressful day you may need time to yourselves to decompress before interacting with each other.

 

Relations with in-laws

 

The task: Establishing a sense of “we-ness,” or solidarity, between husband and wife.

 

Solution The only way out of this dilemma is for the husband to side with his wife against his mother. Although this may sound harsh, remember that one of the basic tasks of a marriage is to establish a sense of “we-ness” between husband and wife.

 

Money, money, money

 

The task: Balancing the freedom and empowerment money represents with the security and trust it also symbolizes.

 

While money buys pleasure, it also buys security Balancing these two economic realities can be work for any couple, since our feelings about money and value are so personal and often idiosyncratic.

 

Step 1: Itemize Your Current Expenditures

Step 2: Manage Everyday Finances

Step 3: Plan Your Financial Future

 

Sex

 

The task: Fundamental appreciation and acceptance of each other. No other area of a couple’s life offers more potential for embarrassment, hurt, and rejection than sex. No wonder couples find it such a challenge to communicate about the topic clearly. Often they “vague out,” making it difficult to decipher what they’re actually trying to tell each other.

 

Five ways to make sex more personal and romantic.

 

The goal of sex in a long-term relationship is to have fun, heighten closeness, and feel valued and accepted in this very tender area of your marriage. Here are some of the ways the couples we’ve worked with have enhanced the experience.

 

Redefine what you mean by “sex.”

 

Many of the woman interviewed complained that their men likened achieving orgasm to a touchdown (‘the Big O”). This goal-oriented approach to lovemaking can cause a great deal of sexual dysfunction because if that objective isn’t reached, then there’s the sense that something is “wrong.” The women wished their men would be more present and just enjoy the sensations of pillow talk, touching, caressing, kissing, and so on.

 

• Learn how to talk about “it.”
• Be gentle and positive.
• Be patience with each other.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Chart your sexual love maps.
• What felt good last time?
• What do you need to make sex better?
• Have ongoing conversations about sexual intimacy.
• Learn how to initiate sex – and to refuse it gently.

 

Here are some rituals used by couples.

 

• Just saying straight out, “I want to make love.”
• Kissing the partner’s neck and saying, “I’m really want you.”
• Putting your arms around your partner and asking if he or she would like to make love.
• Leaving a partner a note saying you want to make love tonight.
• Sending the partner a sexy email or text during the day.
• Lighting candles in the bedroom.
• Suggesting taking a bath together.

 

Solution. Learn to talk to each other about sex in a way that lets you both feel safe. That means learning the right way to ask for what you want, and the appropriate way to react to your spouse’s requests.

 

The best way to enrich your love life is to learn about each other’s likes and take the time to remember and memorize these things, and to use this knowledge in the way your fingers and lips touch each other. Make sure that this knowledge is really available to you when you are turned on sexually, and make this knowledge live in your body and in your sensitivity to your partner’s bodily reactions. This will mean tuning into nonverbal behaviors of your partner as you are beginning to make love.

 

A major characteristic of couples who have a happy sex life is that they see lovemaking as an expression of intimacy but they don’t take any differences in their needs or desires personally.

 

Housework

 

The task: Creating a sense of fairness and teamwork.

 

Solution By now the key to resolving this issue should be clear: Men have to do more housework! Sometimes men shirk their responsibility in this department due to a sheer lack of motivation.

 

Remember, the quantity of the husband’s housework is not necessarily a determining factor in the housework = sex equation. But two other variables are. The first is whether the husband does his chores without his wife having to ask (nag). A husband who does this earns enormous points in the emotional bank account. The other factor is whether he is flexible in his duties in response to her needs.

 

Becoming parents

 

The task: Expanding your sense of “ire-ness” to include your children.

 

“A child is a grenade. When you have a baby, you set off an explosion in your marriage, and when the dust settles, your marriage is different from what it was. Not better, necessarily; not worse, necessarily; but different.”

 

Having a baby almost inevitably causes a metamorphosis in the new mother. She has never felt a love as deep and selfless as the one she feels for her child. Almost always a new mother experiences nothing less than a profound reorientation of meaning in her life. She discovers she is willing to make enormous sacrifices for her child. She feels awe and wonder at the intensity of her feelings for this fragile little being. The experience is so life-altering that if her husband doesn’t go through it with her, it is understandable that distance would develop between them.

 

The answer to his dilemma is simple: He can’t get his wife back–he has to follow her into the new realm she has entered. Only then can their marriage continue to grow. In marriages where the husband is able to do this, he doesn’t resent his child. He no longer feels like only a husband, but like a father, too. He feels pride, tenderness, and protectiveness toward his offspring.

 

Here are some more tips to help couples stay connected as they evolve into parents.

 

• Focus on your marital friendship.
• Don’t exclude Dad from baby care.
• Let Dad be baby’s playmate.
• Carve out time for the two of you.
• Be sensitive to Dad’s needs
• Give Mom a break.

 

Principle 6: Overcome Gridlock

 

If you feel hopelessly gridlocked over a problem that just can’t be solved, it can be cold comfort to know that other couples handle similar conflict with a problem, treating them the way they would a bad back or allergies. When you’re gridlocked, trying to view your differences as a kind of psychological trick knee that you can learn to cope with may seem impossible.

 

All gridlocked disagreements share four characteristics. You’ll know you’ve reached gridlock if.

 

1. You’ve had the same argument again and again with no resolution.
2. Neither of you can address the issue with humor, empathy, or affection.
3. The issue is becoming increasingly polarizing as time goes on.
4. Compromise seems impossible because it would mean selling out – giving up something important and core to your beliefs values, or sense of self.

 

When couples are able to sidestep gridlock, they come to treat their perpetual problems as they would a pesky allergy or bad back. They know the difficulty won’t ever go away, but they manage to keep it from overwhelming their life together.

 

Remember that you don’t have to solve the problem to get past gridlock. Neither of you has to “give in” or “lose.” The goal is to be able to acknowledge and discuss the issue without hurting each other.

 

What dreams are made of?

 

To navigate your way out of gridlock, you have to first understand that no matter how seemingly insignificant the issue, gridlock is a sign that you each have dreams for your life that the other isn’t aware of, hasn’t acknowledged, or doesn’t respect. By dreams I mean the hopes, aspirations, and wishes that are part of your identity and give purpose and meaning to your life.

 

For example, underneath the dream to make lots of money may be a need for security.

 

Become a dream detective

 

If you’ve reached gridlock on any issue in your marriage, big or small, the first step is to identify which dream or dreams are fuelling the conflict. One good indicator that you’re wrestling with a hidden dream is that you see your spouse as being the sole source of the marital problem.

 

Uncovering a hidden dream is a challenge. The dream is unlikely to emerge until you feel that your marriage is a safe place to talk about it.

 

Keep working on your unresolvable conflicts.

 

Couples who are demanding of their marriage are more likely to have deeply satisfying unions than those who lower their expectations.

 

Working on a gridlocked marital issue

 

Step 1: Explore the dream(s)

To get started, choose a particular gridlocked conflict to work on. Then write an explanation of your position. Don’t criticize or blame your spouse.

 

Speaker’s job: Talk honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe the dream that’s fuelling it. Explain where the dream comes from and what it symbolizes. Be clear and honest about what you want and why it is so important.

 

Listener’s job: Suspend judgement. Don’t take your spouse’s dream personally even though it clashes with one of yours.

 

Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.

 

Step 2: soothe each other

 

Discussing dreams that are in opposition can be stressful. Since you’ll accomplish nothing if either of you becomes flooded, take a break for some soothing before you attempt to slog through the gridlock.

 

Step 3: end the gridlock

 

Try to separate the issue into two categories. In one put those aspects of the issue that you absolutely cannot give on without violating your basic needs or core values. In the second category put all aspects of the issue where you can be flexible, because they are not so “hot” for you. Try to make the second category as large as possible, and the first category as small as possible.

 

Step 4: say thank you

 

Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning

 

A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully with each other, the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning.

 

The four pillars of shared meaning

 

Pillar One: Ritual of connection

Creating rituals in your marriage (and with your children) can be a powerful antidote to this tendency to disconnect. A ritual is a structured event or routine that you each enjoy and depend on and that both reflects and reinforces your sense of togetherness.

 

Pillar two: support for each other’s roles

 

Our sense of our place in the world is based to a great extent on the various roles we play–we are spouses, children, perhaps parents, and workers of one kind or another. From the standpoint of marriage, our perspective on our own roles and our mate’s can either add to the meaningfulness and harmony between us or create tension.

 

Pillar three: shared goals

 

Part of what makes life meaningful are the goals we strive to achieve. While we all have some very practical goals—like earning a certain income–we also have deeper, more spiritual goals.

 

Pillar four: Shared values and symbols

 

Another sign of shared meaning in a marriage is that your lives are surrounded by things that represent the values and beliefs you share. Often, these “things” are literally objects. Religious icons like a crucifix or mezuzah are the most obvious symbols of faith a couple may display in their home. But there are other, more personalized ones as well.

 

Afterword: What Now?

 

No book (or therapist can solve all of your marital problems. But by incorporating these Seven Principles into your marriage, you really can change the course of your relationship. Even making just a small and gentle change in the trajectory of your marriage can have a dramatic, positive effect over time. The catch, of course, is that you have to build on the change and keep it going. Improving your marriage is a kind of journey. Like all journeys it begins by suspending disbelief, taking one small step, and then seeing where you are and taking the next step

 

Remember, working briefly on your marriage every day will do more for your health and longevity than working out at a health club.

 

Forgive yourself

 

The other source of criticism in marriage comes from within. It is connected to self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life, particularly during childhood. In other words, it begins as criticism of oneself.

 

If you consider yourself inadequate, you are always on the lookout for what is not there in yourself and your partner. And, let’s face it: Anyone you marry will be lacking in certain desirable qualities. The problem is that we tend to focus on what’s missing in our mate and overlook the fine qualities that are there–we take those for granted.

 

I realize the immense difference it has made in my role as a husband and a father for me to forgive myself for all of my imperfections.

 

One of the most meaningful gifts a parent can give a child is to admit his or her own mistake, to say, “I was wrong here” or “I’m sorry.” This is so powerful because it also gives the child permission to make a mistake, to admit having messed up and still be okay It builds in the forgiveness of self. In the same way, saying “I’m sorry” and meaning it to your spouse is a very significant event. The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.

 

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