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The Phenomenal #1 New York Times Bestseller
In his classic guide to understanding the opposite sex, Dr. John Gray, provides a practical and proven way for men and women to improve their communication and relationships by acknowledging the differences between them.
Once upon a time Martians and Venusians met, fell in love, and had happy relationships together because they respected and accepted their differences. Then they came to Earth and amnesia set in: they forgot they were from different planets.
Based on years of successful counseling of couples and individuals, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus has helped millions of couples transform their relationships. Now viewed as a modern classic, this timeless book has helped men and women realize how different they can be in their communication styles, their emotional needs, and their modes of behavior, and offers the secrets of communicating without conflicts, allowing couples to give intimacy every chance to grow.
Book Summary
“John Gray, you’re a fair-weather friend! As long as I’m sweet, loving Bonnie you are here for me, but as soon as I’m not, you walk right out that door.”
How had I missed this? She just needed me to go over and hold her. Another woman would have instinctively known what Bonnie needed. But as a man, I didn’t know that touching, holding, and listening were so important to her. By recognizing these differences I began to learn a new way of relating to my wife. I would have never believed we could resolve conflict so easily.
In my previous relationships, I had become indifferent and unloving at difficult times, simply because I didn’t know what else to do. As a result, my first marriage had been very painful and difficult.
With this new awareness of our differences Bonnie and I were able to improve dramatically our communication and enjoy each other more.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a manual for loving relationships in the 1990s. It reveals how men and women differ in all areas of their lives. Not only do men and women communicate differently but they think, feel, perceive, react, respond, love, need, and appreciate differently. They almost seem to be from different planets, speaking different languages and needing different nourishment.
This expanded understanding of our differences helps resolve much of the frustration in dealing with and trying to understand the opposite sex. Misunderstandings can then be quickly dissipated or avoided. Incorrect expectations are easily corrected. When you remember that your partner is as different from you as someone from another planet, you can relax and cooperate with the differences instead of resisting or trying to change them.
Certainly the journey of creating a loving relationship can be rocky at times. Problems are inevitable. But these problems either can be sources of resentment and rejection or can be opportunities for deepening intimacy and increasing love, caring, and trust.
Many men have denied some of their masculine attributes in order to become more loving and nurturing. Likewise many women have denied some of their feminine attributes in order to earn a living in a work force that rewards masculine attributes.
Chapter 1: Men Are from Mars Women Are from Venus
REMEMBERING OUR DIFFERENCES
Without the awareness that we are supposed to be different, men and women are at odds with each other. We usually become angry or frustrated with the opposite sex because we have forgotten this important truth. We expect the opposite sex to be more like ourselves. We desire them to “want what we want” and “feel the way we feel.”
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways-the ways we react and behave when we love someone. This attitude sets us up to be disappointed again and again and prevents us from taking the necessary time to communicate lovingly about our differences.
Men mistakenly expect women to think, communicate, and react the way men do; women mistakenly expect men to feel, communicate, and respond the way women do. We have forgotten that men and women are supposed to be different. As a result our relationships are filled with unnecessary friction and conflict.
Clearly recognizing and respecting these differences dramatically reduce confusion when dealing with the opposite sex. When you remember that men are from Mars and women are from Venus, everything can be explained.
GOOD INTENTIONS ARE NOT ENOUGH
Falling in love is always magical. It feels eternal, as if love will last forever. We naively believe that somehow we are exempt from the problems our parents had, free from the odds that love will die, assured that it is meant to be and that we are destined to live happily ever after.
But as the magic recedes and daily life takes over, it emerges that men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we do not take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding, resentful, judgmental, and intolerant.
With the best and most loving intentions love continues to die. Somehow the problems creep
- The resentments build. Communication breaks down. Mistrust increases. Rejection and
repression result. The magic of love is lost.
Love dies. It happens to almost everyone.
Each day millions of individuals are searching for a partner to experience that special loving feeling. Each year, millions of couples join together in love and then painfully separate because they have lost that loving feeling. From those who are able to sustain love long enough to get married, only 50 percent stay married. Out of those who stay together, possibly another 50 percent are not fulfilled. They stay together out of loyalty and obligation or from the fear of starting over.
Chapter 2: Mr. Fix-It and the Home-Improvement Committee
The most frequently expressed complaint women have about men is that men don’t listen. Either a man completely ignores her when she speaks to him, or he listens for a few beats, assesses what is bothering her, and then proudly puts on his Mr. Fix-It cap and offers her a solution to make her feel better. He is confused when she doesn’t appreciate this gesture of love. No matter how many times she tells him that he’s not listening, he doesn’t get it and keeps doing the same thing. She wants empathy, but he thinks she wants solutions.
The most frequently expressed complaint men have about women is that women are always trying to change them.
She forms a home-Improvement committee, and he becomes her primary focus.
WE ON MARS
A man’s sense of self is defined through his ability to achieve results.
To offer a man unsolicited advice is to presume that he doesn’t know what to do or that he can’t do it on his own.
LIFE ON VENUS
A woman’s sense of self is defined through her feelings and the quality of her relationships.
Instead of being goal oriented, women are relationship oriented; they are more concerned with expressing their goodness, love, and caring.
When a woman tries to improve a man. he feels she is trying to fix him. He receives the message that he is broken. She doesn’t realize her caring attempts to help him may humiliate him. She mistakenly thinks she is just helping him to grow.
GIVE UP GIVING ADVICE
Without this insight into the nature of men, it’s very easy for a woman unknowingly and unintentionally to hurt and offend the man she loves most.
Generally speaking, when a woman offers unsolicited advice or tries to “help” a man, she has no idea of how critical and unloving she may sound to him. Even though her intent is loving, her suggestions do offend and hurt. His reaction may be strong, especially if he felt criticized as a child or he experienced his father being criticized by his mother.
LEARNING TO LISTEN
Likewise, if a man does not understand how a woman is different, he can make things worse when he is trying to help. Men need to remember that women talk about problems to get close and not necessarily to get solutions.
So many times a woman just wants to share her feelings about her day, and her husband, thinking he is helping, interrupts her by offering a steady flow of solutions to her problems. He has no idea why she isn’t pleased.
To summarize the two most common mistakes we make in relationships:
- A man tries to change a woman’s feelings when she is upset by becoming Mr. Fix-It and offering solutions to her problems that invalidate her feelings.
- A woman tries to change a man’s behavior when he makes mistakes by becoming the home-improvements committee and offering unsolicited advice or criticism.
A woman greatly appreciates Mr. Fix-It, as long as he doesn’t come out when she is upset. Men need to remember that when women seem upset and talk about problems is not the time to offer solutions; instead she needs to be heard, and gradually she will feel better on her own. She does not need to be fixed.
When our partner resists us it is probably because we have made a mistake in our timing or approach.
WHEN A WOMAN RESISTS A MAN’S SOLUTIONS
When a woman resists a man’s solutions he feels his competence is being questioned. As a result he feels mistrusted, unappreciated, and stops caring. His willingness to listen understandably lessens.
By clearly understanding that his timing and delivery are being rejected and not his solutions, a man can handle a woman’s resistance much better. He doesn’t take it so personally. By learning to listen, gradually he will experience that she will appreciate him more even when at first she is upset with him.
A man wants to make improvements when he feels he is being approached as the solution to a problem rather than as the problem itself.
If you are a woman, I suggest you practice restraining from giving any unsolicited advice or criticism. The men in your life not only will appreciate it but also will be more attentive and responsive to you.
If you are a man, I suggest you practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. Practice biting your tongue whenever you get the urge to offer a solution or change how she is feeling. You will be surprised when you experience how much she appreciates you.
Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women Talk
One of the biggest differences between men and women is how they cope with stress. Men become increasingly focused and withdrawn while women become increasingly overwhelmed and emotionally involved. At these times, a man’s needs for feeling good are different from a woman’s He feels better by solving problems while she feels better by talking about problems. Not understanding and accepting these differences creates unnecessary friction in our relationships. Let’s look at a common example.
When Tom comes home, he wants to relax and unwind by quietly reading the news. He is stressed by the unsolved problems of his day and finds relief through forgetting them.
His wife, Mary, also wants to relax from her stressful day. She, however, wants to find relief by talking about the problems of her day. The tension slowly building between them gradually becomes resentment.
Feels ignored. Without understanding their differences they will grow further apart.
COPING WITH STRESS ON MARS AND VENUS
When a Martian gets upset he never talks about what is bothering him. He would never burden another Martian with his problem unless his friend’s assistance was necessary to solve the problem. Instead he becomes very quiet and goes to his private cave to think about his problem, mulling it over to find a solution. When he has found a solution, he feels much better and comes out of his cave.
If he can’t find a solution then he does something to forget his problems, like reading the news or playing a game. By disengaging his mind from the problems of his day, gradually he can relax. If his stress is really great it takes getting involved with something even more challenging, like racing his car, competing in a contest, or climbing a mountain.
When a Venusian becomes upset or is stressed by her day, to find relief, she seeks out someone she trusts and then talks in great detail about the problems of her day. When Venusians share feelings of being overwhelmed, they suddenly feel better. This is the Venusian way.
On Venus sharing your problems with another actually is considered a sign of love and trust and not a burden. Venusians are not ashamed of having problems. Their egos are dependent not on looking “competent” but rather on being in loving relationships. They openly share feelings of being overwhelmed, confused, hopeless, and exhausted.
A Venusian feels good about herself when she has loving friends with whom to share her feelings and problems. A Martian feels good when he can solve his problems on his own in his cave. These secrets of feeling good are still applicable today.
FINDING RELIEF IN THE CAVE
When a man is stressed he will withdraw into the cave of his mind and focus on solving a problem. He generally picks the most urgent problem or the most difficult. He becomes so focused on solving this one problem that he temporarily loses awareness of everything else. Other problems and responsibilities fade into the background.
Tom watches a football game to release his stress and unwind. He releases his mind from trying to solve his own problems by solving the problems of his favorite team. Through watching sports he can vicariously feel he has solved a problem with each play. When his team scores points or wins, he enjoys the feeling of success. If his team loses, he suffers their loss as his own. In either case, however, his mind is released from the grip of his real problems.
HOW WOMEN REACT TO THE CAVE
When a man is stuck in his cave, he is powerless to give his partner the quality attention she deserves. It is hard for her to be accepting of him at these times because she doesn’t know how stressed he is. If he were to come home and talk about all his problems, then she could be more compassionate. Instead he doesn’t talk about his problems, and she feels he is ignoring her. She can tell he is upset but mistakenly assumes he doesn’t care about her because he isn’t talking to her.
To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is as unrealistic as expecting a woman who is upset immediately to calm down and make complete sense. It is a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his loving feelings just as it is a mistake to expect a woman’s feelings to always be rational and logical.
When Martians go to their caves they tend to forget that their friends may be having problems too. An instinct takes over that says before you can take care of anybody else, you must first take care of yourself. When a woman sees a man react in this way, she generally resists it and resents the man.
She may ask for his support in a demanding tone, as if she has to fight for her rights with this uncaring man. By remembering that men are from Mars, a woman can correctly interpret his reaction to stress as his coping mechanism rather than as an expression of how he feels about her. She can begin to cooperate with him to get what she needs instead of resisting him.
On the other side, men generally have little awareness of how distant they become when they are in the cave.
These are five common misunderstandings:
- When she says “You don’t listen,” he says “What do you mean I don’t listen. I can tell you everything you said.”
When a man is in the cave he can record what she is saying with the 5 percent of mind that is listening. A man reasons that if he is listening with 5 percent, then he is listening. However, what she is asking for is his full undivided attention.
- When she says “I feel like you are not even here,” he says “What do you mean I’m not here? Of course I am here. Don’t you see my body?”
He reasons that if his body is present then she shouldn’t say he is not there. However, though
his body is present, she doesn’t feel his full presence, and that is what she means.
- When she says “You don’t care about me,” he says “Of course I care about you. Why do you think I am trying to solve this problem?”
- When she says “I feel like I am not important to you,” he says “That’s ridiculous. Of course you are important.”
- When she says “You have no feelings. You are in your head,” he says “What’s wrong with that? How else do you expect me to solve this problem?”
FINDING RELIEF THROUGH TALKING
When a woman is stressed she instinctively feels a need to talk about her feelings and all the possible problems that are associated with her feelings. When she begins talking she does not prioritize the significance of any problem. If she is upset, then she is upset about it all, big and small. She is not immediately concerned with finding solutions to her problems but rather seeks relief by expressing herself and being understood. By randomly talking about her problems, she becomes less upset.
As a man under stress tends to focus on one problem and forget others, a woman under stress tends to expand and become overwhelmed by all problems. By talking about all possible problems without focusing on problem solving she feels better. Through exploring her feelings in this process she gains a greater awareness of what is really bothering her, and then suddenly she is no longer so overwhelmed.
To feel better, women talk about past problems, future problems, potential problems, even problems that have no solutions. The more talk and exploration, the better they feel. This is the way women operate. To expect otherwise is to deny a woman her sense of self.
Just as a man who is stuck in the cave needs little problems to distract him, a woman who doesn’t feel heard will need to talk about other problems that are less immediate to feel relief. To forget her own painful feelings she may become emotionally involved in the problems of others. In addition she may find relief through discussing the problems of her friends, relatives, and associates. Whether she is talking about her problems or others’ problems, talking is a natural and healthy Venusian reaction to stress.
HOW MEN REACT WHEN WOMEN NEED TO TALK
When women talk about problems, men usually resist. A man assumes she is talking with him about her problems because she is holding him responsible. The more problems, the more he feels blamed. He does not realize that she is talking to feel better. A man doesn’t know that she will appreciate it if he just listens.
If he assumes she is asking for advice, then he puts on his Mr Fix-It hat to solve her problems. If he assumes she is blaming him, then he draws his sword to protect himself from attack. In both cases, he soon finds it difficult to listen.
On the other hand, if he feels attacked, then he begins to defend himself.
Men also become particularly frustrated when a woman talks about problems that he can do nothing about. For example, when a woman is stressed she could complain:
- “I’m not getting paid enough at work.”
- “My Aunt Louise is getting sicker and sicker, each year she gets sicker.”
- “Our house just isn’t big enough.”
- “This is such a dry season. When is it going to rain.
- “We are almost overdrawn in our bank account.”
Men also become impatient when women talk about problems in great detail. A man mistakenly assumes that when a woman talks in great detail that all the details are necessary for him to find a solution to her problem. He struggles to find their relevance and becomes impatient.
In addition, listening is difficult for a man because he mistakenly assumes there is a logical order when she randomly changes from one problem to another. After she has shared three or four problems he becomes extremely frustrated and confused trying logically to relate these problems.
If he can remember that talking in detail is helping her to feel good, then he can relax. Just as a man is fulfilled through working out the intricate details of solving a problem, a woman is fulfilled through talking about the details of her problems.
Once a Venusian feels heard she stops dwelling on her problems and becomes very positive. With this awareness, a Martian was able to listen without feeling responsible for solving all her problems.
As men learn to listen without feeling blamed or responsible, listening becomes much easier.
Chapter 4: How to Motivate the Opposite Sex
Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished.
In most sports today we can see an extension of this Martian competitive code. For example, in tennis I not only want to win but also try to make my friend lose by making it difficult for him to return my shots. I enjoy winning even though my friend loses.
Most of these Martian attitudes have a place in life, but this win/lose attitude becomes harmful in our adult relationships. If I seek to fulfill my own needs at the expense of my partner, we are sure to experience unhappiness, resentment, and conflict. The secret of forming a successful relationship is for both partners to win.
Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he feels he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways.
Most men are not only hungry to give love but are starving for it. Their biggest problem is that they do not know what they are missing. They rarely saw their fathers succeed in fulfilling their mothers through giving. As a result they do not know that a major source of fulfilment for a man can come through giving. When his relationships fail he finds himself depressed and stuck in his cave. He stops caring and doesn’t know why he is so depressed.
At such times he withdraws from relationships or intimacy and remains stuck in his cave. He asks himself what it is all for, and why he should bother. He doesn’t know that he has stopped caring because he doesn’t feel needed. He does not realize that by finding someone who needs him, he can shake off his depression and be motivated again.
Not to be needed is a slow death for a man.
Most men have little awareness of how important it is to a woman to feel supported by someone who cares. Women are happy when they believe their needs will be met. When a woman is upset, overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, or hopeless what she needs most is simple companionship. She needs to feel she is not alone. She needs to feel loved and cherished.
What she needs most is just someone to listen.
Through sharing her feelings she begins to remember that she is worthy of love and that her needs will be fulfilled. Doubt and mistrust melt away. Her tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love-she doesn’t have to earn it; she can relax, give less, and receive more. She deserves it.
Many women today are also tired of giving. They want time off. Time to explore being themselves. Time to care about themselves first. They want someone to provide emotional support, someone they don ‘t ‘have to take care of.
The Venusians needed to learn how to receive while the Martians needed to learn how to give.
This same change commonly takes place in men and women as they mature. In her younger years, a woman is much more willing to sacrifice and mould herself to fulfil her partner’s needs. In a man’s younger years, he is much more self-absorbed and unaware of the needs of others. As a woman matures she realizes how she may have been giving up herself in order to please her partner. As a man matures he realizes how he can better serve and respect others.
As a man matures he also learns that he may be giving up himself, but his major change is becoming more aware of how he can succeed in giving. Likewise, as a woman matures she also learns new strategies for giving, but her major change tends to be learning to set limits in order to receive what she wants.
Giving Up Blame
When a woman realizes she has been giving too much, she tends to blame her partner for their unhappiness. She feels the injustice of giving more than she has received.
As a man experiences limits, he is motivated to give more. Through respecting limits, he automatically is motivated to question the effectiveness of his behaviour patterns and to start making changes. When a woman realizes that in order to receive she needs to sets limits, then automatically she begins to forgive her partner and explore new ways of asking for and receiving support. When a woman set limits, she gradually learns to relax and receive more.
When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.
LEARNING TO GIVE
A man’s deepest fear is that he is not good enough or that he is incompetent. He compensates for this fear by focusing on increasing his power and competence. Success, achievement, and efficiency are foremost in his life.
Just as women are afraid of receiving, men are afraid of giving.
It is difficult for a man to listen to a woman when she is unhappy or disappointed because he feels like a failure.
Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages
EXPRESSING FEELINGS VERSUS EXPRESSING INFORMATION
Even today we still need translators. Men and women seldom mean the same things even when they use the same words. For example, when a woman says “I feel like you never listen,” she does not expect the word never to be taken literally. Using the word never is just a way of expressing the frustration she is feeling at the moment. It is not to be taken as if it were factual information.
To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors, and generalizations.
The number one complaint women have in relationships is: “I don’t feel heard.” Even this complaint is misunderstood by men!
Because many men don’t understand that women express feelings differently, they inappropriately judge or invalidate their partner’s feelings. This leads to arguments.
The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn’t talking.
When a man is silent it is easy for a woman to imagine the worst.
Women have a lot to learn about men before their relationships can be really fulfilling. They need to learn that when a man is upset or stressed he will automatically stop talking and go to his “cave” to work things out. They need to learn that no one is allowed in that cave, not even the man’s best friends.
Both men and women need to stop offering the method of caring they would prefer and start to learn the different ways their partners think, feel, and react.
Never go into a man’s cave or you will be burned by the dragon!
Much unnecessary conflict has resulted from a woman following a man into his cave. Women just haven’t understood that men really do need to be alone or silent when they are upset.
When a man goes into his cave he is generally wounded or stressed and is trying to solve his problem alone. To give him the support that a woman would want is counterproductive. There are basically six ways to support him when he goes into his cave. (Giving him this support will also shorten the time he needs to spend alone.)
How to Support a Man in His Cave
- Don’t disapprove of his need for withdrawing.
- Don’t try to help him solve his problem by offering solutions.
- Don’t try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings.
- Don’t sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out.
- Don’t worry about him or feel sorry for him.
- Do something that makes you happy.
Men need to find ways to show they care while women need to find ways to show they trust.
It is very difficult for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy. He hates to be pitied.
To enrich our relationships, we need to make little changes. Big changes generally require some suppression of who we truly are. This is not good.
When a man pulls away, a woman appreciates him saying out loud “I need some time to think about this, I will be back” or “I need some time to be alone. I will be back.” It is amazing how the simple words “I will be back” make such a profound difference.
A woman should not be judged for needing this reassurance, just as man should not be judged for needing to withdraw.
A man commonly feels attacked and blamed by a woman’s feelings, especially when she is upset and talks about problems. Because he doesn’t understand how we are different, he doesn’t readily relate to her need to talk about all of her feelings.
He mistakenly assumes she is telling him about her feelings because she thinks he is somehow responsible or to be blamed. Because she is upset and she is talking to him, he assumes she is upset with him. When she complains he hears blame. Many men don’t understand the (Venusian) need to share upset feelings with the people they love.
Sharing Responsibility
Good communication requires participation on both sides. A man needs to work at remembering that complaining about problems does not mean blaming and that when a woman complains she is generally just letting go of her frustrations by talking about them. A woman can work at letting him know that though she is complaining she also appreciates him.
Men feel frustrated by problems unless they are doing something to solve them. By appreciating him, a woman can help him realize that just by listening he is also helping.
A man often blames a woman for being blaming when she is innocently talking about problems. This is very destructive to the relationship because it blocks communication.
Relationships thrive when communication reflects a ready acceptance and respect of people’s innate differences.
Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again.
A man automatically alternates between needing intimacy and autonomy.
When a man pulls away, he is fulfilling a valid need to take care of himself for a while.
There are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner’s natural intimacy cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away.
Chapter 7: Women Are Like Waves
A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. This crash is temporary. After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.
A woman’s self-esteem rises and falls like a wave. When she hits bottom it is a time for emotional housecleaning.
Life is filled with rhythms-day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.
Even when a man is succeeding in supporting a woman she may become even more upset.
Reassuring Insights
- A man’s love and support cannot instantly resolve a woman’s issues. His love, however, can make it safe for her to go deeper into her well. It is naive to expect a woman to be perfectly loving all the time. He can expect these issues to come up again and again. Each time, however, he can get better at supporting her.
- A woman going into her well is not a man’s fault or his failure. By being more supportive he cannot prevent it from happening, but he can help her through these difficult times.
- A woman has within herself the ability to spontaneously rise up after she has hit bottom. A man does not have to fix her. She is not broken but just needs his love, patience, and understanding.
When negative feelings are suppressed positive feelings become suppressed as well, and love dies. Avoiding arguments and fights certainly is healthy but not by suppressing feelings.
When a woman is feeling hurt, she may sound as if she is blaming him. But if she is given care and understanding, the blame will disappear. Trying to explain to her why she shouldn’t be hurt will make matters much worse.
Men argue for the right to be free while woman argue for the right to be upset. Men want space while women want understanding.
She was fighting to be heard, just as he was fighting to be free. He learned that by supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.
By supporting her need to be heard she could support his need to be free.
THREE STEPS FOR SUPPORTING HER WHEN HE NEEDS TO PULL AWAY
- Accept Your Limitations
- Understand Her Pain
- Avoid Arguing and Give Reassurance
Money Doesn’t Fulfill Emotional Needs
Martians tend to think money is the solution to all problems
When they were poor, money was the major focus of her pain, but as they became more financially secure she became more aware of what she was not getting emotionally. This progression is natural, normal, and predictable.
As a woman’s financial needs are fulfilled she becomes more aware of her emotional needs.
Regardless of wealth, status, privilege, or circumstances, a woman needs permission to be upset and allow her wave to crash.
FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT
If a woman is not supported in being unhappy sometimes then she can never truly be happy. To be genuinely happy requires dipping down into the well to release, heal, and purify the emotions. This is a natural and healthy process.
Just as a glass of water can be viewed as half full or half empty, when a woman is on her way up she sees the fullness of her life. On the way down she sees the emptiness. Whatever emptiness she overlooks on the way up comes more into focus when she is on her way down into her well.
Chapter 8: Discovering Our Different Emotional Needs
Men and women generally are unaware that they have different emotional needs. As a result they do not instinctively know how to support each other. Men typically give in relationships what men want, while women give what women want. Each mistakenly assumes that the other has the same needs and desires. As a result they both end up dissatisfied and resentful.
Both men and women feel they give and give but do not get back. They feel their love is unacknowledged and unappreciated. The truth is they are both giving love but not in the desired manner.
THE TWELVE KINDS OF LOVE
Most of our complex emotional needs can be summarized as the need for love. Men and women each have six unique love needs that are all equally, important. Men primarily need trust. acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement. Women primarily, need caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
- She Needs Caring and He Needs Trust
2.She Needs Understanding and He Needs Acceptance
- She Needs Respect and He Needs Appreciation
- She Needs Devotion and He Needs Admiration
- She Needs Validation and He Needs Approval
- She Needs Reassurance and He Needs Encouragement
A man commonly makes the mistake of thinking that once he has met all of a woman’s primary love needs, and she feels happy and secure, that she should know from then on that she is loved.
THE KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Deep inside every man there is a hero or a knight in shining armor. More than anything, he wants to succeed in serving and protecting the woman he loves. When he feels trusted, he is able to tap into this noble part of himself. He becomes more caring. When he doesn’t feel trusted he loses some of his aliveness and energy, and after a while he can stop caring.
Many people give up when relationships become too difficult. Relationships become easier when we understand our partner’s primary needs. Without giving more but by giving what is required we do not bum out. This understanding of the twelve different kinds of love finally explains why our sincere loving attempts fail. To fulfill your partner, you need to learn how to give the love he or she primarily needs.
LEARNING TO LISTEN WITHOUT GETTING ANGRY
The number one way a man can succeed in fulfilling a woman’s primary love needs is through communication. As we have discussed before, communication is particularly Important on Venus. By learning to listen to a woman’s feelings, a man can effectively shower a woman with caring, understanding, respect, devotion, validation, and reassurance.
When a man can listen to a woman’s feelings without getting angry and frustrated, he gives her a wonderful gift. He makes it safe for her to express herself. The more she is able to express herself, the more she feels heard and understood, and the more she is able to give a man the loving trust, acceptance, appreciation, admiration, approval, and encouragement that he needs.
The secret of empowering a man is never to try to change him or improve him.
The best way to help a man grow is to let go of trying to change him in any way.
Chapter 9: How to Avoid Arguments
One of the most difficult challenges in our loving relationships is handling differences and disagreements. Often when couples disagree their discussions can turn into arguments and then without much warning into battles. Suddenly they stop talking in a loving manner and automatically begin hurting each other: blaming, complaining, accusing, demanding, resenting, and doubting.
Men and women arguing in this way hurt not only their feelings but also their relationship. just as communication is the most important element in a relationship, arguments can be the most destructive element, because the closer we are to someone, the easier it is to bruise or be bruised.
Some couples fight all the time, and gradually their love dies. On the other extreme, some couples suppress their honest feelings in order to avoid conflict and not argue. As a result of suppressing their true feelings they lose touch with their loving feelings as well. One couple is having a war while the other is having a cold war.
Most couples start out arguing about one things and within five minutes, are arguing about the way they are arguing.
It is not what we say that hurts but bow we say it. Quite commonly when a man feels challenged, his attention becomes focused on being right and he forgets to be loving as well. Automatically his ability to communicate in a caring, respectful, and reassuring tone decreases. He is aware neither of how uncaring he sounds nor of how hurtful this is to his partner.
To avoid arguing we need to remember that our partner objects not to what we are saying but to how we are saying it. It takes two to argue, but it only takes one to stop an argument. The best way to stop an argument is to nip it in the bud. Take responsibility for recognizing when a disagreement is turning into an argument. Stop talking and take a time-out.
THE FOUR F’S FOR AVOIDING HURT
There are basically four stances that individuals take to avoid getting hurt in arguments. They are the four f’s: fight, flight, fake, and fold. Each of these stances offers a short-term gain, but in the long run they are all counterproductive.
Men rarely say “I’m sorry” because on Mars it means you have done something wrong and you are apologizing.
How Men Unknowingly Start Arguments
The most common way men start arguments is by invalidating a woman’s feelings or point of view. Men don’t realize how much they invalidate.
The most common way women unknowingly start arguments is by not being direct when they share their feelings.
One of the reasons relationships are so successful in the beginning is that a man is still in a woman’s good graces. He is still her knight in shining armor. He receives the blessings of her approval and, as a result, rides high. But as soon as he begins to disappoint her, he falls from grace. He loses her approval. All of a sudden he is cast out into the doghouse.
Chapter 10: Scoring Points with the Opposite Sex
When a woman keeps score, no matter how big or small a gift of love is, it scores one point; each gift has equal value.
Some men may start out in a relationship doing the little things, but having done them once or twice they stop. Through some mysterious instinctive force, they begin to focus their energies into doing one big thing for their partners. They then neglect to do all the little things that are necessary for a woman to feel fulfilled in the relationship. To fulfill a woman, a man needs to understand what she needs to feel loved and supported.
The way women score points is not just a preference but a true need. Women need many expressions of love in a relationship to feel loved. One or two expressions of love, no matter how important, will not, and cannot, fulfill her.
THE MAGIC OF DOING LITTLE THINGS
It’s magic when a man does little things for his woman. It keeps her love tank full and the score even. When the score is even, or almost even, a woman knows she is loved, which makes her more trusting and loving in return. When a woman knows she’s loved, she can love without resentment.
Doing little things for a woman is also healing for a man. In fact, those little things will tend to heal his resentments as well as hers. He begins to feel powerful and effective because she’s getting the caring she needs. Both are then fulfilled.
Become less driven to be more and more successful and begin to relax more and spend more time with his wife and family.
Most men strive for greater and greater success because they believe it will make them worthy of love.
Women commonly complain that their male partner starts out more loving and then gradually becomes passive. Men also feel unfairly treated. In the beginning women are so appreciative and loving, and then they become resentful and demanding. This mystery can be understood when we realize how men and women keep score differently.
There are five major reasons a man stops giving. They are:
- Martians Idealize Fairness.
- Venusians Idealize Unconditional Love.
- Martians Give When They Are Asked.
As we have seen, keeping the score even is important to a man. When a man feels he has given more in a relationship, he will instinctively begin to ask for more support; he naturally feels more entitled to receive and starts asking for more. On the other hand, when he has given less in a relationship, the last thing he is going to do is ask for more. Instinctively he will not ask for support but will look for ways that he might give more support.
When a woman doesn’t ask for support, a man mistakenly assumes the score must be even or that he must be giving more. He does not know that she is waiting for him to offer his support.
- Venusians Say Yes Even When the Score Is Uneven. Men don’t realize that when they ask for support, a woman will say yes even if the score is uneven. If they can support their man, they will.
- Martians Give Penalty Points. Women don’t realize that men give penalty points when they feel unloved and unsupported. When a woman reacts to a man in an untrusting, rejecting, disapproving, or unappreciative way, he gives minus or penalty points.
A major source of love for a man is the loving reaction that a woman has to his behavior. He has a love tank too, but his is not necessarily filled by what she does for him. Instead it is mainly filled by how she reacts to him or how- she feels about him.
Chapter 11: How to Communicate Difficult Feelings
When we are upset, disappointed, frustrated, or angry it is difficult to communicate lovingly. When negative emotions come up, we tend momentarily to lose our loving feelings of trust, caring, understanding, acceptance, appreciation, and respect. At such times, even with the best intentions, talking turns into fighting. In the heat of the moment, we do not remember how to communicate in a way that works for our partner or for us.
THE LOVE LETTER TECHNIQUE
One of the best ways to release negativity and then communicate in a more loving fashion is to use the Love Letter Technique. Through writing out your feelings in a particular manner, the negative emotions automatically lessen and the positive feelings increase.
HEALING NEGETAVE FEELINGS
Understanding and accepting another’s negative feelings are difficult, if your own negative feelings have not been heard and supported. The more we are able to heal our own unresolved feelings from childhood the easier it is responsibly to share our feelings and to listen to our partner’s feelings without being hurt, impatient, frustrated, or offended.
To retrain ourselves we must re-parent ourselves. We must acknowledge that there is an emotional person inside us who gets upset even when our rational adult mind says there is no reason to be upset. We must isolate that emotional part of our self and become a loving parent to it.
Ironically, the very act of avoiding our negative emotions gives them the power to control our lives.
Books can inspire you to love yourself more, but by listening to, writing out, or verbally expressing your feelings you are actually doing it.
Many people grow up too quickly because they reject and suppress their feelings. Their unresolved emotional pain is waiting inside to come out to be loved and healed. Although they may attempt to suppress these feelings, the pain and unhappiness continue to affect them.
Most physical diseases are now widely accepted as being directly related to our unresolved emotional pain. Suppressed emotional pain generally becomes physical pain or sickness and can cause premature death. In addition, most of our destructive compulsions, obsessions and addictions are expressions of our inner emotional wounds.
A man’s common obsession with success is his desperate attempt to win love in hopes of reducing his inner emotional pain and turmoil. A woman’s common obsession with being perfect is her desperate attempt to be worthy of love and reduce her emotional pain. Anything done to excess can become a means to numb the pain of our unresolved past.
When you write a Love Letter you are loving yourself, but when you share a letter you are receiving love. To grow in our ability to love ourselves we need to receive love as well. Sharing the truth opens the door of intimacy through which love can enter.
When you take the time to listen to your feelings you are in effect saying to the little feeling person inside “Your matter. You deserve to be heard and I care enough to listen.”
Chapter 12: How to Ask for Support and Get It
If you are not getting the support you want in your relationships a significant reason may be that you do not ask enough or you may ask in a way that doesn’t work. Asking for love and support is essential to the success of any relationship. If you want to G-E-T then you have to A-S-K.
On Venus their motto is “Love is never having to ask!”
If a woman is not asking for support a man assumes he is giving enough.
STEP 1: ASKING CORRECTLY FOR WHAT YOU ARE ALREADY GETTING
The first step in learning how to get more In your relationships is to practice asking for what you are already getting. Become aware of what your partner is already doing for you. Especially the little things, like carrying boxes, fixing things, cleaning up, making calls, and other little chores.
When he hears a demanding tone, no matter how nicely you phrase your request, all he hears is that he is not giving enough. This makes him feel unloved and unappreciated. His tendency is then to give less until you appreciate what he is already giving.
Tips for Motivating a Man
There are five secrets of how to correctly ask a Martian for support. If they are not observed, he may be easily turned off. They are: appropriate timing, non-demanding attitude, be brief, be direct, and use correct wording.
One way women are sure to relate to the significant difference between would and could is to reflect for a moment on this romantic scene. Imagine a man proposing marriage to a woman. His heart is full, like the moon shining above. Kneeling before her, he reaches out to hold her hands. Then he gazes up into her eyes and gently says, “Could you marry me?”
Immediately the romance is gone. Using the c word he appears weak and unworthy. In that moment, he reeks of insecurity and low self-esteem. If instead he said “Would you marry me?” then both his strength and vulnerability are present. That is the way to propose.
Similarly, a man requires that a woman propose her requests in this manner. Use the w words.
The c words sound too untrusting, indirect, weak, and manipulative.
Use “would you” or “will you” phrases.
Other request statements that work are “Would you please … ?” and “Would you mind … ?”
STEP 2: PRACTICE ASKING FOR MORE (EVEN WHEN YOU KNOW HE MAY SAY NO)
The second step of this process is to let him realize that he can say no and still receive your love. When he feels that he can say no when you ask for more, he will feel free to say yes or no. Keep in mind that men are much more willing to say yes if they have the freedom to say no.
When you ask a man for support and you do not reject him for saying no, he will remember that, and next time he will be much more willing to give.
Healthy Relationships
A relationship is healthy when both partners have permission to ask for what they want and need, and they both have permission to say no if they choose.
STEP 3: PRACTICE ASSERTIVE ASKING
Once you have practiced step 2 and you can graciously accept a no, you are ready for step 3. In this step you assert your full power to get what you want. You ask for his support, and if he starts making excuses and resists your request, you don’t say “OK” as in step 2. Instead you practice making it OK that he resists but continue waiting for him to say yes.
When a man grumbles it is a good sign—he is trying to consider your request versus his needs.
He will go through internal resistance at shifting his direction from what he’s focusing on to your request. Like opening a door with rusty hinges, the man will make unusual noises. By ignoring his grumbles they quickly go away.
The Pregnant Pause
One of the key elements of assertive asking is to remain silent after you have asked for support. Allow your partner to work through their resistance. Be careful not to disapprove of his grumbles. As long as you pause and remain silent, you have the possibility of getting his support. If you break the silence you lose your power.
Chapter 13: Keeping the Magic of Love Alive
Love brings up our unresolved feelings. One day we are feeling loved, and the next day we are suddenly afraid to trust love. The painful memories of being rejected begin to surface when we are faced with trusting and accepting our partner’s love.
THE 90/10 PRINCIPLE
By understanding how past unresolved feelings periodically surface, it is easy to understand why we can become so easily hurt by our partners. When we are upset, about 90 percent of the upset is related to our past and has nothing to do with what we think is upsetting us. Generally only about 10 percent of our upset is appropriate to the present experience.
When Couples Suddenly Feel Their Resentment
Repeatedly I have counseled couples who have been married for over twenty years. Their children have grown up and left home. Suddenly the woman wants a divorce. The man wakes up and realizes that he wants to change and get help. As he starts to make changes and give her the love she has been wanting for twenty years, she reacts with cold resentment.
It is as though she wants him to suffer for twenty years just as she did. Fortunately that is not the case. As they continue to share feelings and he hears and understands how she has been neglected, she gradually becomes more receptive to his changes. This can also go the other way; a man wants to leave and the woman becomes willing to change, but he resists.
THE SEASONS OF LOVE
A relationship is like a garden. If it is to thrive it must be watered regularly. Special care must he given, taking into account the seasons as well as any unpredictable weather. New seeds must be sown and weeds must be pulled. Similarly; to keep the magic of love alive we must understand its seasons and nurture love’s special needs.
The Springtime of Love
Failing in love is like springtime. We feel as though we will be happy forever. We cannot imagine not loving our partner. It is a time of innocence. Love seems eternal. It is a magical time when everything seems perfect and works effortlessly. Our partner seems to be the perfect fit. We effortlessly dance together in harmony and rejoice in our good fortune.
The Summer of Love
Throughout the summer of our love we realize our partner is not as perfect as we thought, and we have to work on our relationship. Not only is our partner from another planet, but he or she is also a human who makes mistakes and is flawed in certain ways.
The Autumn of Love
As a result of tending the garden during the summer, we get to harvest the results of our hard work. Fall has come. It is a golden time-rich and fulfilling. We experience a more mature love that accepts and understands our partner’s imperfections as well as our own. It is a time of thanksgiving and sharing. Having worked hard during summer we can relax and enjoy the love we have created.
The Winter of Love
Then the weather changes again, and winter comes. During the cold, barren months of winter, all of nature pulls back within itself. It is a time of rest, reflection, and renewal. This is a time in relationships when we experience our own unresolved pain or our shadow self. It is when our lid comes off and our painful feelings emerge. It is a time of solitary growth when we need to look more to ourselves than to our partners for love and fulfillment. It is a time of healing. This is the time when men hibernate in their caves and women sink to the bottom of their wells.
After loving and healing ourselves through the dark winter of love, then spring inevitably returns. Once again we are blessed with the feelings of hope, love, and an abundance of possibilities. Based on the inner healing and soul searching of our wintery journey, we are then able to open our hearts and feel the springtime of love.
SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS
After studying this guide for improving communication and getting what you want in your relationships, you are well prepared for having successful relationships. You have good reason to feel hopeful for yourself. You will weather well through the seasons of love.
Remember that love is seasonal. In spring It is easy, but in summer it is hard work. In autumn you may feel very generous and fulfilled, but in winter you will feel empty. The information you need to get through summer and work on your relationship is easily forgotten. The love you feel in fall is easily lost in winter.
Education theory states that to learn something new we need to hear it two hundred times.
Not only do we need to hear it two hundred times but we also need to unlearn what we have learned in the past.
Integrating this new wisdom of having loving relationships is a new challenge.
